A Psychological Mess for a year and half after traumatic experience with LSD
Over a year and a half ago I took LSD for the second time. I was really into psychadelics and 'consciousness expansion' and all that silly stuff proposed in the 60's. Well I had done my research and was pretty sure of myself. I tripped alone with friends, and long story short, had a trip that last 24 hours long, perpetuated by my anxiety and panic that endured throughout the entire trip and I felt like I was still tripping the next day (Never went to bed), while in actuality I was still in a permanent panic mode. There were so many factors thatled to my trip being bad, but essentially I developed an anxiety disorder. On top of that, I was scheduled to study abroad in a WEEK in Germany. I foolishly thought it would be a good idea to take LSD, alone, a week before going to another country, far away.
I spent the entirety of my year in Germany in what I figured was going to become a psychosis of sorts. I was, as you describe, lost in thought, thoughts about my anxieties, thoughts about reality, etc. Even toyed with the old solipsistic view that I am the only one and everyone else is an extension of my existence or imagination. That always turns out dark. Well I cam home for the holidays and was put on prozac. I had also been taking xanax which seemed to work a bit, but by basically turning me into a zombie.
Well when I returned to Germany, one night I was sitting on a castle wall and started vividly imagining myself jumping. And since then I have been obsessed with suicide by jumping from any heights. I would say it is probably OCD, but it's hard to tell. I have been on Zoloft, and a bunch of other random stuff that three different psychiatrists that I have seen have put me on. I am not on anything currently, but seem to be experiencing withdrawal symptoms from alcohol any morning after binge drinking or even in the same night if I only have a few beers or a glass of wine with dinner. I assume this is my body using it as a medication and then when it's out of my system I experience withdrawal from it.
Well, the point is, I am completely obsessed, compulsively with jumping. I think of it anytime i'm near edges, and anytime I am remotely anxious or depressed, as I connect the feelings. Our brain catergorizes, and this is probably where phobias originate.
I also experience strange coincidences on a daily basis, keep seeing the number 23, and also sometime esperience pre cognition, usually with dreams.
Now it probably sounds like I am actually psychotic or have just become another LSD casualty. I can assure you I am of sound mind, and I realize that my brain is probably filtering out certain things because of OCD, so hence the seeing coincidences and the number 23 (A lot of people do experience this, it's not just from the film). I also do, strangely often think of things right before seeing or hearing about them.
I think this is just another example of how little we know of our own brains, and how our understanding of the world may be a tad bit off from what is actually reality. I am not suggesting the supernatural, as this is where most of my fears originate, so anything that IS seemingly supernatural, my OCD brain assimilates towards.
Obviously there are so many details left out, but these are the major points. Every day is a new day, and it seems like there is always a new psychological struggle to jump over. This is what we get for toying with consciousness expansion in a society that isn't exactly friendly to such.
In my humble and non-medical opinion, and my fear of you acting on this impulse to jump, you need to get yourself in front of a psychiatrist ASAP!
You've been to 3 who apparently haven't been told the whole story or haven't listened to it, and just keep throwing various medications at you rather than deal with the core issues. Or perhaps it's YOU who does not wish to confront what lies underneath?
Here is another statement of yours that gave me pause........." I am not on anything currently, but seem to be experiencing withdrawal symptoms from alcohol any morning after binge drinking........." You have a couple of red flags flapping in the wind and you need to seriously pay attention to what they're saying.
You need to find a p-doc well versed in the psychological consequences of both drug and alcohol abuse, especially a potent psychedelic drug like acid.
When you said............"This is what we get for toying with consciousness expansion in a society that isn't exactly friendly to such."
You can't possibly be serious about laying the blame on "society" for YOUR lapse in judgement?
Ditto...you need to get yourself to a specialist (p-doc) and start addressing these issues.
My own opinion, it sincerely sounds like the "jumping" thoughts are "intrusive thoughts" that are commonly associated with anxiety. I've had some scary scary thoughts over the years that I would never CONSCIOUSLY put there or want to be there. It was at the height of my anxiety and panic when these ITs would come into play...almost like my brain was "one-upping" my fears. It worked, let me tell you! I thought for sure I was destined to live out my days in a white jacket locked in a padded room....UNTIL my therapist explained the whole idea of intrusive thoughts vs pyschosis (which would place you at risk for acting on those thoughts, whereas in an anxiety scenario, they remain just thoughts).
This is only ONE of the reasons you need to find a GOOD doctor ASAP who can PROPERLY sort this out for you...and help you make a determination as to your exact diagnosis, treatment, and most importantly, if there is any immediate risk for you.
You sound like a very intelligent person with a pretty good grasp on some things...and despite the actual diagnosis you end up with, you are exhibiting several signs of chronic severe anxiety....intrusive thoughts, derealization, depersonalization, just to name a few. That's why it is vital to seriously get some intensive help and start addressing these issues right away.
Despite what you've probably told yourself....LSD did not CAUSE this. It triggered some scary feelings, which likely exposed anxiety you either were predisposed to, or had a history of. This happens to people time and time again...citing their intial "attack" during or after some sort of drug use.
For the same reason, binge drinking should be the LAST thing you do...alcohol will intensify anxiety and panic (after the fact) like you cannot imagine. Sure, it takes the edge off at the moment, but it will make you feel worse in the long run. PLUS, you being intoxicated when you are having scary thoughts you have yet to sort out with a qualified professional is downright dangerous. What may truly be harmless intrusive thoughts may turn into something very tragic while you are under the influence of alcohol and have lost your ability to make responsible decisions.
For all of these reasons...PLEASE seek some help asap, even if you have to "try out" a few different docs and therapists. It goes without saying...if you are EVER in the situation where you feel you MAY do something like "jump", or harm yourself...seek help immediately by calling 911.
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