Am I becoming schizophrenic?

[sird1ckens]

Hi all,

Like many others after smoking pot (for first time; 3 times in 2 weeks) I got severe depression and anxiety, along with disturbing thoughts like fear of going crazy and questioning everything around me.

I've been battling this for month and a half now. I think I know the reasons for this and the trigger: extreme hallucinations and panic attacks when I got high, along with the information I red about link between marijuana and schizophrenia. And ever since that, anxiety and depression come and goes, but are present every day.

I am aware of everything and the fact that I fear I might go nuts is sort of helping me out; because crazy people are usually unaware of their journey into the madness. But there are always "what if's" and disturbing thoughts, which are developing anxiety and making those horrible scenarios that I actually might, sooner or later caused by anxiety and depression become mad. First "what if" is: "What if when I stop being feared I'm going crazy is the beginning of my trip to insanity?". Pretty unlikely to happen, but it is scary to me though. Sad

That makes me so scared. But even more, I'm scared by my irrational thoughts. I think these irrational thoughts might be due to mild deralizaton which combined with my "superb" imagination makes me question everything around me.

I've always been kind of "philosopher", but these irrational thoughts (for which I know are very unlikely to happen) like: "Does this person really exists or I'm schizophrenic and it's just the fruit of my imagination?" or "Did that sound just happened or I got auditory hallucinations?" make me scared and anxious.

I think I've studied and researched and googled too much about schizophrenia to that point I've got obsessed by it. For example I know like all symptoms of this and as far as I know the worst are that they have auditory/visual hallucinations, they think everybody is trying to harm them and everyone is against them, they hear on radio things that are not present like someone is directly speaking to them, some of them have visual hallucinations like everyone in the room is watching them etc...

So I got obsessed to the point that I pay attention to everything in searching for the symptoms. When I sit in bus I firstly look everyone to see if someone is watching me. If someone does I immidiatelly assume that this must be cause I'm schizophrenic. I started to pay close attention to what is playing on the radio or televison just to be assured that I'm not "getting any messages for me" like mad people think, and if by chance is something like commercial or something I'm maybe attending is talked about on television or radio, I start to panic.

I'm aware that this is irrational thinking and of course someone will look at me and will be commercials about upcoming event. But I'm afraid that sooner or later if this doesn't stop I will replace my rational thinking with this irrational completely.

Does anyone know how to fight this unpleasant thoughts (irrational thinking and the fear of impending doom) and depression?? Should I consult with doctor/psychiatrist??

Please help, thanks in advance.


p.s I'm 19 year old student of mechanical engineering. Never ever been to psychiatrist/psychoterapeutist or took any medication for mood (anti-depressant). And haven't been to doctor to exclude the possible brain disorder or illness (multiple sclerosis, maybe tumor or something).

The symptoms I do have are anxiety symptoms:
-Insomnia, trouble falling asleep
-sensitivity to light and sounds
-headaches, neck aches
-depersonalization/derealization
-constant tension, low energy and depression
-occasional nightmares, followed with numbness tingling and waking from sleep
-intrusive thoughts and images when I try to fall asleep

Best regards,
Bruno.

[sird1ckens]

Hi myenzoorka,

I'm really thankful for your kind reply. And I think I'm getting everyday better. Each time I successfully break that "vicious circle" I just feel more happier. It's been a month I've been depressed so I think my organism, and both mental and physical health is kinda used to this depression. It will need to pass a little more time (without anti-depressant) for me to regain my full happiness. Guess my body is getting used to serotonin. :D

I'm really sorry for your illness and I hope you can cope with it and that you will get better. Do you take regular medication? How are you doing currently?

And about my research on schizophrenia - to be honest I really don't know the exact sources I red about. At the moment I was scared and really don't remember sources I used. And I generally used google (e.g. schizophrenia hallucinations or schizophrenia symptoms). I red much on forums and saw there tons of links as well.

But I'm sure that I heard and red, that SOME of schizophrenic people just have feeling everyone in the room is looking them. Example is that when one suffering from schizophrenia looks in the mirror and even though the person in the mirror s looking aside or not even looking at him/her, he/she sees the image of that person staring at him/her. (don't know where I red that, I got redirected from forum...). And I apologize if I'm seeding misinformation and I would like for people NOT to believe all of this and take it for granted, cause I'm not doctor nor psychiatrist to know all of this. I'm just telling you my feelings and personal experience, and maybe things I red somewhere on the internet.

And about my DP/DR. Well I don't know how to describe that feeling. It's just that sometimes I don't feel like in my own skin. When I don't question reality around me sometimes it just feels strange. Like part of movie and I can't affect on things at all. And seems like for no reasons things around me just...happen. Don't know how to describe that - I guess this is derealization. And once but just for a moment I felt depersonalization. I walked by the long, glass building and looked in the glass (windows) on my left and for like 2secs I couldn't recognize the person in the mirror, even though it was just me. I don't know if that is depersonalization, but I didn't feel like myself. Really weird feeling and scared me pretty much. But I know DP/DR are symptoms of anxiety, as well a side effect of using mind altering drugs. Maybe when person is depressed (especially after playing with hallucinogens and mind altering drugs) difficultly cope with reality so everything seems unreal. At least that's kinda how I felt.

Oh yea. You mentioned seeing things in the corner of my eye. That happens to me as well. But fortunately I know medical explanation for that. When we are anxious adrenaline increases size of our pupils what makes us sensitive to light, and adrenaline as well affect our awareness so that's why we see even slightest movements. Especially in the corner of our eye.

Thanks for the advice about doctor. For now I'll try to avoid all the negative thoughts and try "spontaneous" recovery by my free will and positive thinking. That's in first because psychiatry, here in Croatia is not much patient friendly. Most of psychiatrist just take your money for 1hour session and prescribe you medications, cause they get tired of listening for people's problems; I guess.

In the meantime I will try and search for good psychiatrist in case for the things to get worse. The fact about pot is that from my personal experience, drugs aren't for everybody. I'd rather say; drugs are for no one. But you can't talk out someone from drugs; unfortunately. And I will walk away from it like from devil. Cause that is what it brought in my life; living hell. :O

Best regards,
Bruno.

[myenzoorka]

You're definitely experiencing some anxiety.  I would be interested in knowing where you got your information on schizophrenia because some of the things you mentioned are a bit off.  "What ifs" and "does this thing really exist" questions are not signs of schizophrenia - they just seem to be your anxiety overthinking things.  I wouldn't say the worst symptoms are the hallucinations - they are for some people, I suppose, but everyone is different.  Please be sure that if you research schizophrenia, you are doing so at a reliable website.  There is plenty of misinformation on the internet about mental illness - just as with any topic.

I am not schizophrenic, technically (it really depends on which school of thought one follows).  I am a happy middle, so to speak, between schizophrenia and bipolar - schizoaffective bipolar type.  But I knew from a young age that I was seeing and hearing things that weren't there.  Granted, I didn't know it was mental illness, but I didn't know what to be watching for... I thought everyone heard disembodied voices when they were angry.  But, seeing as you have knowledge, you're more likely to notice - just be careful to not over-analyze what's going on with you.  You are allowed the occasional seemingly schizophrenic symptom without having it.  Seeing something out of the corner of your eye, but having it disappear when you look again - that's not schizophrenia.  Feeling like everyone on the bus is looking at you - well... that's a bit more tricky, but many people may feel that way from time to time.  I'd put that under anxiety unless you also think they're looking at you to try to control you or send you a telepathic message or they're planning to kill you.  You may worry that you'll get messages from the radio or tv, but if you haven't - that doesn't count as a schizophrenic symptom for you.  

You mentioned you're having problems with depersonalization and derealization.  In what way are those manifesting for you?  They can both be attributed to severe anxiety, so no need to jump to the schizophrenia conclusion, but they are highly subjective symptoms and I'm curious.

Honestly, it sounds like you don't need to worry about schizophrenia - just anxiety (yes, I see the irony in that statement).  Go see a doctor to get a firm diagnosis and help.  The worse your anxiety gets, the worse your symptoms will get and the more you may experience symptoms that could appear to be consistent with schizophrenia - in turn, making your even more anxious.  Vicious circle.  And for now, stay away from the pot - I don't think it's doing you any favors.