Anger Problem

[hopetolive]

My father is a very angry man, and he shouts a lot, and emotionally and verbally abuses my mother a lot.
and he just reaches the point where he can hit her, but my mother always speaks politely to him, even when he is shouting she is constantly speaking politely and explaining her its not her fault.
i have started to hate my father a lot,
I have heard that the people who are very angry can get medical help,
what are the medicines which can be taken,
I do not want them to breakup, but if proper steps are not taken it will happen.

[nora006]

Dear hopetolive
YES! That it one of the hardest things some of us have to face in life; come to terms with the fact that we can not save our parents. Pain does not equal suffering. The pain is real; facing the truth, but you should not suffer for any of them. Your parents were adults even before you came into existence. They made their own decisions, good or bad, they have to face it themselves, also the "taboo" of divorce if it should come to that. Adults ALWAYS have a choice! Children of dysfunctional parents tend to take on too much responsibility because their parents DID NOT take responsibility for their own lives,their emotional well-being nor their children's emotional well-being. This can sometimes makes us (grown up children) suffer for decades because we see our parents suffering still from the child's point of view.

Use your energy to make YOUR life happy. And grieve the fact that there is nothing you can do to make your parents lives happy.

Take good care of yourself.
Best Wishes,
Nora

[MsSomar]

My parents did the same thing...my mom had an affair and as a result, my dad became angry and cruel...He eventually began using drugs and abused them for two years, but besides that, I thought that I could somehow help them or change them or get them to see that their behavior was hurting me and my two little brothers in ways that are unimaginable...Now that I am a wife and mother, I struggle still with blaming myself for how we all turned out...Nora is right that you cannot help them or change them and you must use your anger to guide yourself in a positive direction.  Dive into your studies, become someone greater than them and strive to achieve your wildest dreams...love them anyway, and realize that just because they choose to be the way they are, does not mean that you will be like them, either.  It is not your fault, either.  You are your own person...and forgive them both because if they really knew what they were doing especially your father with his angry outbursts, I don't think they would truly behave in this manner. They're caught up in their own cycle and it really has nothing to do with you, sadly.  I wish you the best...

[hopetolive]

i know its illegal, and yea i was being stupid ,
i just do not know how to tackle this thing,


and nora.... you are right........ but its hard to tackle that i cannot do anything....
and we live in a culture where getting divorce is a big "taboo" .......

[nora006]

Your father has learnt to cope with his own emotional problems by acting out on other people. This is possible for him to do as long as everybody accepts it.
I do not think drugs would be the least of help as your fathers behaviour is an ingrained coping strategy. This is a personality problem.
I'm sorry to hear that your mother accepts his cruelty.
Your hatred towards your father is very HEALTHY! It shows that you yourself has a healthy self that will not accept cruelty from others and your reaction is the only normal and healty reaction when you are confronted with other people's disclosure of their respectlessness. But you cannot help your father to understand his cruelty, nor help your mother to understand why she is putting up with it. They are adults and make their own choices.
I can understand your worries regarding your mother, but she is an adult and has a CHOICE. She has ALWAYS had a choice, but has chosed to stay with your father and let him bully her(and maybe also her children?). The only thing I can say is do NOT try to change your parents or to rescue them. You will not succeed. They will have to recognize themselves what they are actually doing and WHY they're doing it.

Best regards,
Nora

[Paxiled]

You can't -- the dosages have to be altered, he has to be evaluated because of side effects, and most don't work, so you often have to move from one to another until you find the one for you.  Second, it's illegal to slip something to someone.  It's a crime.  And very dangerous.  How would you like someone doing that to you?  Third, you can't get a prescription for somebody else.  And fourth, quitting these drugs can be very hard, and if you forget to give it to him, he might go into a bad withdrawal.  Don't fool around and be stupid or angry here, be understanding he has a problem and try to arrange some kind of intervention.  Got another close relative who can help?

[hopetolive]

Well it is very difficult to talk to my father as he is very stubborn, and i want to give him medicine w/o telling him.

[Paxiled]

I think therapy is better than medication for this problem, the trouble is getting your father to recognize it.  And perhaps getting your mom to recognize it, too.

[hopetolive]

u r lucky that your father realized and he goes to church and counsellings sessions, i hope it get even more better,  
but my father does not realize it, he just thinks that he is always right,
is there could be any medicine for it.

[newportttttttt]

Yeah Ive been through the same thing in my family...Im 21 now but as far back as I can remember my dad always used to blame my mom for just about anything and everything...Suprisingly he never hit her which was good but the fact that he even verbally abused her was enough to anger me...The fights were usually over us kids and I often felt like I caused them...My parents are doing better now that they go to church on a regular basis and attend marriage counseling sessions...I hope things get better :)