The chances of you having died are none, the chance of anything bad happening as a result of your 'stupidity' 4 years ago, again, is none. The reason? Nothing bad DID happen. In fact, something GOOD happened, you learned a valuable lesson (as has been said already), a lesson that has kept you alive for the last 4 years, and not just you, but anyone else that may have become involved in an "accident" as a direct result of you continuing to drive in that manner. We all go through this process in one way or another, we're human, we make mistakes, sometimes very costly mistakes that can change people's lives, but we learn from these and we move on. You haven't made any such costly mistake, no-one got hurt, nothing was damaged, there is no physical reminder of this event, it's like it never happened, and if it never happened, what is there to worry about?
You will make more mistakes, probably nowhere near as reckless, and you will learn from these too, it's called life.
I can't stop you from worrying, we all worry about things, and sometimes our worries are irrational and out of proportion, but we're human, we don't have all the answers.
All I can suggest is that you try not to worry about things that didn't or haven't happened, and concentrate on dealing with the here and now, then if you need help just ask. Don't expect or try to get through life on your own, learn from mistakes others have made too - wouldn't it be fantastic if you saved someone's life today because they read your post and thought to themselves "that's how I drive, and if I continue to do so I could kill myself, or worse, an innocent motorist or pedestrian.
Now how daft would it be if you worried about just having saved a person's life?
I think you need to learn how to move on from this via therapy and by pushing the thoughts out of your head whenever you can. Dwelling on something that never even happened is not healthy for you, but then you know this. We can spend our entire lives dwelling on the "what ifs" but that gets us no where except trapped in that moment. Count your blessings that it turned out okay, learn from it and put your energy into today and living your life. Obviously an accident wasn't meant to be and to be putting so much thought into "what if" has to be exhausting for you! We have things like this happen during our entire life where we narrowly escape danger, breathe a big sigh of relief and learn from it. It was meant for your life to go on, don't waste these precious times stuck in the past on something that never even happened. When a thought about this comes into your mind, push it out by thinking of something else. Stay busy living your life so that you have other things to be thinking about. Don't allow that one moment to hold you hostage, take back your power and move on. Take care.
I don't know, i'm just really struggling with this and calculating percentages of risks. i may have mild ocd, so i ruminate on these thoughts over and over again and have to reassure myself about what happened. my therapist hasn't told me i have ocd, but i have been ruminating about many things and I am on medication that is often prescribed for ocd. i just need reassurance that I didn't hugely dodge a bullet, that the risk of an accident wasnt a probability, just a chance and that i was never in real danger.
So I totally don't get what you're freaking out about. Doesn't sound from what you just wrote that you needed any comfort at all except to realize you aren't the only one out there that's done really stupid stuff.
Was there something I missed?
I try to take comfort in what you said, most of us have been there, a lot of people have driven recklessly more than once. i only did it once and I felt in control of the car for the whole time. i try to think that the chances of an accident were less than 1/10.
You learned a very valuable lesson.....one for which no one had to pay with their life for YOU to learn.
It will probably take some time for you to put this experience into perspective, but it's my guess, and my hope, you won't drive like an *** again.
Live, learn and move on. Most of us have been there. It's called growing up.
Greenlydia