I don't really understand why this exists, but I am obsessed with my own mental health and functioning. I seem to be continually analysing my own thoughts and reactions and it causes constant, inescapable moderate anxiety every moment of the day. I have a few specific fears as well, of doing things by myself that are usually done socially, of revealing preferences for music and culture, but mostly I am just anxious about anxiety.
I'm thoroughly sick of dealing with this ****, even if I am slowly getting better at functioning well despite it. The principle effect is the impression of having my mind's eye constantly turned inwards, scrutinising my own internal monologue and perceptions--so I feel completely disconnected from everything I do. I also live a miserable, habitually constrained life in which I waste most of my time on facebook or on pointless tasks I don't really value.
I'm determined to find some way of getting over this--it has existed for about 16 months and I can actually pin point the week in which it started and I *think* I know the reason it started. Any suggestions? Unfortunately I live in the UK where despite our glorious traditions, socialist medicine means your doctor does nothing except prescribe medications which don't work from a list based on central government dictat, and every mental health professional (when they exist it all) tuts and umms and ahhs and suggests ways of 'managing' the condition--the idea of actually healing it seems alien to them.
I don't want to 'manage' it for any longer. I've already wasted three years of my time on this earth in a miserable, anxious half-life and I'm all but certain it's caused by ****** up beliefs and attitudes. I created those attitudes and I can fix them. Essentially, I developed severe anxiety whilst at high school and to deal with it I convinced myself that I was worthless unless I was academically better than everyone else and also, as a result of the confidence that gave me, socially of higher status. Then I went to Oxford University and found I was academically average which caused the anxiety to begin. Unfortunately my thinking is so obscured by this obsessive anxiety at the moment that it's very difficult to tell if those beliefs are still what is sustaining it.
I've talked about this with my therapist, she called it "a fear of the fear" basically meaning your fearing your anxiety, or an anxiety attack before it happens. I do this often. You can't be afraid of it. It's not going to hurt you. You just have to take some deep breaths, maybe take a walk, or watch your favorite tv show and tell yourself everything will be okay, BECAUSE IT WILL!!
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