Anxiety about near death experiences

[worriedworry]

I have been having a number of issues with anxiety in the past few months. After struggling with substance abuse, depression, anxiety and bipolar I have been in a pretty good place for the last 2 years, but I am struggling with memories of events where I put myself in risk of death when I was struggling with mental health issues. For instance, once I raced my car on a two lane road and went up to 120 mph before passing the other car. He slowed down and I passed but shortly after the road narrowed to two lanes. What if he had not slowed and I was unable to brake and went off the road and died? This was the only time I ever drove dangerously and it was out of character for me but I was in early recovery and craving a thrill. This was 3 years ago. I now think, "well i could have died, why didn't I?" and now I have feelings that my life is invalidated in some way. I feel like I can't enjoy my success because of these memories.

Similar memories include getting blackout drunk and falling or fighting or just doing risky things. Also, meeting up with people I met online could have been a set up where I was murdered. Also, I had a bad habit of walking around in the ghetto at night drinking and looking for trouble even though I am from a wealthy suburban family. I would never repeat any of these mistakes. I was in a very bad place and I have moved on. These behaviors took place between 2-10 years ago, and I am now in a very good place and would never consider doing things like this. I am in my twenties and I feel like now my brain has gone through the shift into adult reasoning. I am doing well, I have graduated college and am successfully working in my career. I am just having real trouble coming to terms with the things I have done that could have killed me or dramatically altered my course but didn't. Any advice on dealing with these feelings is greatly appreciated.

[techone]

Hello, and I want to congratulate you for your accomplishments and getting cleaned up.  That is a very good start to a great life.

You were young and a bit stupid, it happens.  I know that my one friend has obsessive thoughts about death or dying much like you describe and he has mild OCD.  And again man, you lived, you did some crazy stuff, but you know what? You are still here.  Your successes aren't invalidated one bit.  You cleaned up your act, you are doing better now.

Don't let the past influence you too much, and try not to think about the wrong things you have done.  Stay positive.  It will work!  You really turned your life around and have good reasoning, and I think we all have to do something stupid once or twice to learn our lesson, but you were lucky enough to dodge that bullet.

[remar]

Good, I'm glad to hear you're seeing a therapist. I do think it would be a good idea to ask your therapist about possible PTSD. You may want to also ask him/her about a med increase. How long have you been on the same dose?
This is a wonderful site. The people here are great. They're always willing to help anyway they can.

[worriedworry]

I do see a therapist regularly and I am on a medication that reduces my dopamine and serotonin to keep my emotions from getting extreme. Its basically the opposite of an anti-depressant, but I am prone to get in a feedback loop where I can get too high-energy and overly worked up about things, and this keeps it from happening. Either way I am on the lowest possible dose.

I think I will talk to my therapist about this. Thanks for the lead about PTSD. I may mention this. I have found this site helpful to talk about certain anxieities I'm having, and I appreciate the commentors like you who make an effort to help so many people on here.

[remar]

The past is the past and it can not be changed. Be very proud of yourself for giving up the drinking and drugs. Were you in counseling when you got clean? If not, you may want to think about it. I did say the past can not be changed. That does'nt mean it does'nt come back to haunt us at times and interrupt our lives. I'm not a Dr but it sounds like you may have a little PTSD going on. Counseling could help you deal with this.