Anxiety and Telling of Lies

[jdtm]

A friend of mine suffers from very severe social anxiety.  She is on a SSRI medication and it is helping some but socially she is almost an agoraphobic.  Lately, though she has been telling lies - saying she was in the hospital when she only has the flu or going to a dance when she had no intention of attending.  Another friend is wondering whether she is doing this to get attention or are we dealing with another issue, in addition to anxiety.  She is lonely and is not seeing any mental health professional.  Any advice as I would really like to help her.

[Bridges1986]

Maybe she did intend to go to that dance, but her agoraphobia got the best of her. It can be very scary. Maybe she is trying to be positive about it and overcome it, but its harder than it seemed at the time she made the promise to go. She could possibly be doing things to get attention, but take it from me, i have had SEVERE anxiety and agoraphobia at one point and i wanted all the support from friends and family i could get. So to me, its not unusual that she would want a little attention.

[nursegirl6572]

Are you saying that your friend is backing out of a lot of things and then making outlandish (false) excuses as to why she cannot attend?

THAT IS 100% AN AGORAPHOBIC!!!!  I'd like to hopefully give you some insight into this---

Please understand...coming from a person who has lived it (and still is)...we have the VERY best of intentions when making plans...as the moment approaches, our anticipatory anxiety hits the roof and many times it is just too uncomfortable.  That leaves us feeling like we (again) are letting everyone down, so instead of being honest...we may try to come up with an exaggerated story to "excuse" our absence.  

We SO want to be there and the guilt of feeling like everyone thinks you "flaked out" again is overwhelming.  Believe me, your friend isn't doing it intentionally to hurt anyone's feelings...and it really ***** when we back out.  That feeling is awful.  We feel like we've failed, that we've disappointed everyone...and what ends up happening is we continue this type of behavior, b/c quite honestly...it is VERY hard for someone who has never been in this boat to understand why the he** we just can't get up and go and we end up with a reputation as being "irresponsible", "unreliable", "uncaring"...when nothing could be further from the truth.  IT'S VERY HARD.  We truly are in a bad position.

And, when it comes to very important events....most people are not very sympathetic when we miss them....especially when they simply cannot understand WHY it is sooo hard to go somewhere...sometimes right down the street!  :0(

As a (luke warm) analogy...picture a person with a SEVERE phobia of snakes throwing themselves into a snake pit time and time again (this is what the fear feels like simply to leave our "safe haven")...yet a fear of snakes would be well accepted, understood by our loved ones...and certainly not EXPECTED of us to conquer, or overcome.

Going to a party, cookout, wedding certainly aren't "scary" to the average, non-anxiety suffering person...so there just is such a HUGE factor of our friends and family just NOT being able to understand, or be compassionate if we tell them why we REALLY cannot go.  It's obviously much more acceptable, or better received anyway to back out of something because we are ILL, or our car broke down (and so on and so forth...we've used every excuse in the book).  Much easier to swallow, "I'm sorry Aunt Martha I cannot come to your party because I have the swine flu"...than..."I'm so sorry, Aunt Martha...I cannot come to your party b/c I'm afraid to leave my home".  Ya know?

It's one heck of a position to be in...and hopefully you can understand your friend a lil bit better by getting to hear some of us explain it. The very best thing you could do is support her...and be totally honest with her that you may not understand...but you can RECOGNIZE AND VALIDATE that for HER....leaviing her "safe place" is terrifying and that sometimes she just can't...and that's OK.  Also, encourage her to seek professional help...and offer your support in any which way she'll need it.  Tell her that you WANT to be involved and try to understand what she goes thru.  You cannot imagine how much that means to us.  I would never expect my loved ones to understand what it is I go thru...but again, like I said above....just a simple acknowledgement to me that they realize that what I live with is awful...and that it is very real is something.  That is an amazing feeling to have our problem recognized and validated.

Best of luck to you and your friend....My final word to you is never...and I mean NEVER take her avoidance...or her lies to associate with the avoidance for that matter ....personally.  It's NEVER personal.  If we could be there yucking it up at that party with you....by God, believe me...we'd be there with bells on!

[Paxiled]

Just want to add that, although the above posters are quite right, if she's recently been put on the ssri and this is a new behavior, ssris can affect personality.  They can make people angry, aggressive, even violent or suicidal.  Just something to consider.  And if she's on an ssri, how can she not be seeing a mental health care professional?  One should have a psychiatrist to be on an ssri.  Regular docs aren't very versed in how to use them.  

[jdtm]

Thank you for your responses.  I do feel that being lonely with lack of attention is the main issue here.  

Note to Paxiled - my friend had a psychiatrist who (I assume made the diagnosis) prescribed her the medication but she did not follow the doctor's instructions and according to her, he dismissed her as a patient.  Frankly, I feel there is more to this story than what she is telling me.