Anxiety attacks with my 9 y old daughter

[Richard_32]

I am a seperated father of two children, who shares them a weekend out of two with my ex girlfriend. We`re on very friendly terms, and have been for several years.
Recently we`vebeen worried about our oldest daughter, who seems to be having panic attacks. She will get cold sweats, nausea, and behave in a way I can describe as "acting crazy". She`ll stay seated in the same place grasping her hair and her stomach, wailing and crying. Usually, my ex told me it happens shortly after she`s been put to bed for the night, she`ll wake up and tell my ex she isnt feeling well, and shortly after it will start. She isnt a big girl, and as such for several years, we`ve put more pressure on her to finish her plates, eat a little bit more. Not forcefull, but firm pressure. Now, it`s at the point where she barely eats, saying it makes her sick. I`ve tried to ease off and not put pressure, now she eats less than ever. After speaking with her at lenght, she says she has no idea why she has these attacks, and that they happen by themselves. Her last one was saturday morning, when shortly after arriving at my home with her sister for my weekend with them, she went into a panic saying she wanted to be with her mother. I explained to her that wasnt possible, and she exploded. I tried calming her down, but it got to a point where I myself got angry and yelled at her, in a way I never have in her life. I apologised to her latter on because I said some hurtfull things, which I regretted, and I`m not someone who explodes like that, but I was so angry at her actingin a way she never has in her entire life.
We have made plans to meet with a psychologist who will try and help us understand what is going on, my knowledge of how to deal with this situation is very limited. Iwas reading about disorders and fell upon Seperation Anxiety. Idont know.

Anyways, Any advice on how to deal with this would be appreciated.On how to act with myself as well.

[Richard_32]

I thought about this as well. It`s actually very hard to differentiate this time. Usually I have no problem discerning between a panic attack, and just a kid trying to put one on you. Kids are incredibly intelligent and CAN be manipulative. Howeverin this case, I have troubleseeing it as the case. She reacts in a way that is so UNLIKE any way she`s ever acted before. She has always been fearful of many things, but neversomething so big. She has trouble eating now because she believes I will be angry with her and raise my voice to her. Besides being firm and telling her she hasnt eaten enough when she did and tomake an effort, I have no recollection of raising my voice to her. Fact of the matter is, I havent had a need to discipline her in any severe way in the last 3-4 years. She`s a very good daughter. Her grades areawesome as well. Only problems are these attacks, which come usually before sleep, or before eating. It`s the intensity of them, and their debilitating effecton her, that really worry me. I don`t think it`s simply a tantrum, because even the tantrum, either sad or angry or what, she has had in the past, were NOTHING to compare to these...

[Hummingbird24]

I think that children can thrive in non nuclear style homes. The most important thing is honest and respectful communication regardless of the family style. It sounds like this child has great support and caring parents. It also sounds like she might being having tantrums rather than panic attacks. I say this because of the timing of the episodes. When she doesn't want to go to bed or leave one parent she does something to cause alarm to get her way. I don't think tantrums are reserved for brats! It's simply one way a child (or adult) expresses anger or sadness when they don't know how else. This passive aggressive behavior (not eating included) can be carried on into adult life so I think seeing a psychologist is a good step toward modifying her behavior and guiding her to more positive expression. Good luck!

[Life360_Dave]

Hi Richard and sorry what your going through. Children need stability, as in a family setting with one life style. Its hard enough for a child being raised in one house hold, but with your childs case, she is being raised in 2 different house holds.
Its like when you were young and went to visit your families relatives, it was fun but was always good to get back to your own home with all your things. Your daughter does not have this but going back and forth and adjusting to 2 different families which has to be very stressful for such a young child who has not developed copeing techniques yet.
She not eating most likely because her stomach is in knots and has acid reflux.
Also the she mostly likely feels that she does not have a mother and father. You mentioned that the children are from your girlfriend not your wife, that in itself would make any notions of Santa Claus and the tooth fairy out the window and now have to take on an adult role without any lifes experience.

They are growing up to quickly, where the body and mind are not balanced out. these are just little babies.
I myself would limit the visitations.

[Richard_32]

I`d also like to point out that I am worried sick about my daughter. I`m scared that if this is left untreated, whatever it is, it can have repercussions in her adult life. It was wrong of me to explode the way I did, it did have the effect to bring her back from her "crisis" but I dont want to do this every time. We are takingher to the school psychologist, of which I was initially reluctant, but am thinking more and more by seeing her reactions that i might be necessary, even with the bad experiences I`ve had with them in the past.
I just need to hear how to act when such a crisis happens, how I can get her back. Since yesterday....well, I dont feel like a very good father. It hurtme to hear being this way, profounfdly, as her and her sister arethe two most importantpeople in my life..