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Anxiety due to severe guilt
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Anxiety due to severe guilt

Im a male and got a oral-sex from a female stripper 2 weeks back. I did not go there to get it and did not intend to get it but as she started it I had it in her mouth for 10-20 seconds before I pulled out.

I had anxiety soon after--
1. After consulting Dr.Hook (from medhelp) and my doc in the city and testing negative for bacterial infections I have gotten over the fear of bacteria.
2. After consulting Dr. Hook (from medhelp) and with the suggestion of my doc in my city (and reading different forums), I have come to realize that HIV is a practical-impossibility
Most of the time in a 24 hr period, Im convinced that Im medically ok.

3. However I have a severe severe guilt that I ended up cheating my wife and kid and the fact that I cannot talk to them about that. This is fueling my anxiety and depression. Im questioning myself as a capable husband and father (as I should) and though I dont have suicidal thoughts per se, Im hoping that I die in an accident or get some form of cancer soon (are these thoughts also considered suicidal?)

How do I treat myself in this situation?
Any over the counter drugs/vitamins? Any home remedy suggestions?
Thanks
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1696489_tn?1370825574
OWCH.  I am glad that you are healthy and not passing disease to your wife.  Here is my question: would you do it again?  Do you want to have sex with other women?  If the answer is a resounding 'NO', then there is your answer.  You have learned your lesson.  And you will not do anything of the sort in the future.  Your guilty feelings are justified punishment, if you want to say it that way.  If this were me, I would not tell my wife.  It will only hurt her and our marriage for no good reason since I only love and have sex with her, my wife, and i have no inclination to cheat on her.  Others here may have differing opinions, and this is only mine.  You must decide for yourself what is best.  Blessings - Blu
17 Comments Post a Comment
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Avatar_m_tn
By the way, Im wary of taking prescription medications- Alprazolam, Zoloft etc etc because of habit-forming and withdrawal-worries.
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1696489_tn?1370825574
OWCH.  I am glad that you are healthy and not passing disease to your wife.  Here is my question: would you do it again?  Do you want to have sex with other women?  If the answer is a resounding 'NO', then there is your answer.  You have learned your lesson.  And you will not do anything of the sort in the future.  Your guilty feelings are justified punishment, if you want to say it that way.  If this were me, I would not tell my wife.  It will only hurt her and our marriage for no good reason since I only love and have sex with her, my wife, and i have no inclination to cheat on her.  Others here may have differing opinions, and this is only mine.  You must decide for yourself what is best.  Blessings - Blu
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Avatar_m_tn
i really like what blu has to say. I too would add a question to myself about why. I ask also about your alcohol consumption, And were you alone or with buddies? Very dangerous situation. And thinking of suicide as a way out of your problem is very dangerous. You might want to get help with that.
     Women's intuition might tip your wife off that something is up. Watch yourself in arguments to see if you might slip when you are angry.   I agree---do not tell her. Spare her and suffer this alone. I hate to say it this way but----time to man-up and accept the fact that for some reason (why to go to counseling) you let yourself---on purpose----endanger your family---a deadly danger.
Add a positive to the situation and get the counseling (you can obviously afford it) and learn the lesson. Boy did you get lucky too!
good luck elankors i wish your family well.
omhome
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Avatar_m_tn
Thakn you both for replying. Really appreciate it.
My intention was not to get any form of sex from anyone but when you ar ein bad places bad things happen. I have learnt my lesson.

Right now all I can do is look at my kid and cry and look at my wife and cry more because Im happy and incredibly lucky to still have both of them.

My anxiety goes up and down during a 24 hr period just thinking how close I came ot lose everything. I hope this anxiety does not turn into a heart disease or something.

Do you know how I can ease my suffering by reducing my heart rate and be able to relax a bit?
Any home remedies for anxiety and to stabilize mood?

Thanks again!
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Avatar_m_tn
You can try going to a gym or participating in physical activities such as sports, that might help relieve stress and anxiety. However, I would suggest talking to a professional counselor if you have or are contemplating suicide. Hope this helps.
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Avatar_m_tn
You just found out you're human.  Welcome to the club.  But don't ruin your life over it.  Your emotional system is telling you that you're not the kind of person who cheats easily.  Realize this is something men and women both do, and you have the admirable quality of not wanting to do it again, so you won't.  Your anxiety and guilt is normal given this is something you don't like that you did, but you've learned what you need to learn from it.  Now learn to move on, what is really I think what you're asking.  You're right, this is definitely not a medication situation.  It wouldn't hurt to talk to a counselor of some kind just to figure it all out and get it out of your system.  Telling your wife will just compound the situation depending on her personality.  I'm sure she's done some things she's not proud of as well she hasn't told you in her life.  As for natural treatment, I don't really think you need to take anything for this, you just need time and someone to talk it out with, and that should be a professional so you can be completely honest and get some help on moving on.  There are natural relaxants and natural antidepressants that might give you some anxiety relief, but this is a situation with a known source and therefore you can best treat it through a little self knowledge and some help.  No relaxant will make guilt go away, but guilt is a pretty useless emotion past the point where you learn from it.  Beyond that it just becomes obsessional and that takes away the learning and growing.  A good herb for all around systemic relaxation is passionflower.  For emotional release Bach Flower Remedies can be surprisingly useful.  Have no idea why they work, but often they do.  Any good herbal will give you other relaxant herbs.  St. John's Wort can be useful for depression so this doesn't set in long term.  Good luck.
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Avatar_m_tn
And when I mentioned your wife having probably done some things she regrets, if your first reaction was to add a new fear she's cheated on you, not what I meant.  We tend in the US to look at sex as the big taboo, but there's a whole lot else out there we do we should regret more, but we always seem to focus on sex.  Probably the heritage of our New England settlers.  Peace.
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Avatar_m_tn
Please elankors do not start being suspicious of your wife. You have no possible reason to start thinking that way. It is not a *** for tat situation where you make it all ok because she does it too. Leave her out of it and focus on improving yourself----that will improve your marriage and will be a positive outcome that you create by your "new" behavior. The "new" is that you stop going to these clubs. And you sit down with a professional and find out just what is going on in your marriage that you want to do that. It is not innocent fun and all the guys do it. They don't. Not the ones you want for friends. So get to work. Chin up. You may surprise yourself!!  

omhome
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480448_tn?1403547723
As you've found out, you don't have an HIV concern...that should give you some reassurance.  Risk for other STDs is also quite low, but I would recommend testing (for non HIV STDs) for peace of mind, to ensure you are okay (and that your wife isn't at any risk for STDs).

I totally agree with Paxiled that this is something you have to work through.  Guilt can be a useful emotion, as Paxiled said, but not beyond you learning a lesson.  To ruminate and beat yourself up over this, to the point of wishing you were dead is NOT healthy.  It's quite extreme actually.  I recommend seeking professional help.  You need help sorting through your emotions and learning how to get past the guilt feelings.  

I too do NOT recommend telling your wife, especially based on a need to "unburden yourself".  Many people take that approach, and really, deep down, all it is is a way to take some of the stress and guilt away...at the loved one's expense.  Her knowing is only going to devastate her, and while what you did was obviously wrong...if you learn from it and never do it again, there's NO reason to open that can of worms.

Please get yourself some help, and soon.  If you are questioning your intentions when it comes to harming yourself, you need to seek emergent help.  Suicide is obviously not any kind of solution, EVER.  The kinds of thoughts you're having are more passive, but that can change...so you need to be vigilant.

Start working with a therapist...IMO, that's really the key here.  Medications aren't warranted, as your anxiety is clearly coming from a very easily identifiable source, which needs dealt with.  If your anxiety is through the roof, and your doc has given you a very limited supply of the Xanax to use as needed, JUST to help minimize some of the symptoms, I can understand that..but I would seriously caution against using it more than a very bare bones minimum.  Take it ONLY when you absolutely need to..I would not advise taking it on a regular basis, and not more than just a few weeks.  You need to sort this out and come to a place of acceptance.  THAT is what will make the anxiety better.  If you have preexisting anxiety issues, that's a little different, but that doesn't seem to be the case.  Seriously, though, be very careful with the Xanax.  It can cause feelings of depression also, which is another of my concerns, especially with your current state of mind.  Please discuss all of the above with the prescribing doctor.

Best of luck to you...update us on how you're doing.
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Avatar_m_tn
i would like to double that warning about xanax! Please do not start down that road----it will just compound your problems. If and only if your doctor and you together decide that your symptoms are so bad that you have to get some relief should you take it on a rare-use basis. Get a script for 10 and not 30 or 60 of these very dangerous pills. You are not sounding like that is the case so start doing the work---the counseling---that needs to be done. Do not take the xanax to avoid doing that work. ok.  
      The guilt is a good sign. Learn the lesson. Listen to your heart---not some other organ and you will be fine.
omhome
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Avatar_m_tn
just thought i would share a definition that may kinda date me as to usage but a common and very effective game strategy----and a technique often used in relationships---has its positive and negative possibilities----and part of it refers to anatomy----is the saying "*** for tat"----you know----we trade to mutual benefit......which is my understanding of it.
    I wonder if you guys are familiar with it or use  it or am i a dinosaur? I was suggesting that elankor not use that strategy (how many of us do even unconsciously) in his relationship in this situation. Wikipedia has a lot to say about it---surprisingly. Hope you guys find this of interest-----omhome
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480448_tn?1403547723
That phrase has more than one connotation...but I think the more common one is an unspoken revenge more than anything.  Like "an eye for an eye"  That's what I think when I hear it.

I don't think it's necessarily helpful for the OP to think in terms of that as if his wife has done the same (like pax clarified), but rather in terms of understanding that human nature dictates that mistakes will be made, poor judgement will be used at times, etc.  As long as it's not a frequent or ongling behavior, I think it's fair to say that a one time misstep isn't worth dwelling on.  Just IMO.
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Avatar_m_tn
i agree nursegirl----that is the negative side of the phrase. Now that you mention that i do remember----i guess it depends on the situation and the people in it. And as for dwelling (another word for worrying?) it is not a behavior to practice for very long. Increases and reinforces the anxiety. Replace it  with solution-oriented problem solving and set a time limit---like an appt. with yourself.
    Thank you for responding nursegirl---i appreciate the courtesy. You have a rare condition----it is called "manners". Interestingly practice of manners reduces anxiety in the social and marital situations. Yes we must keep it up when we are married. It makes a huge difference! More folks should try it.

omhome
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elankors-----i apologize in advance for asking but my curiosity is just screaming at me to find out ----how did you suddenly find yourself in a strip club with a "dancer?" in your lap?  If you can find that "trick of the mind" that made it ok you are halfway there to understanding your decision---your riskiness.  I understand if you just tell me to bug off elankors. Thanks--omhome
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Im overwhelmed with so many detailed replies and with words like "blessings" and many people giving multiple replies, I thank you all from the bottom of my heart. You are such nice people that nothing you say will I take in a negative sense.

omhome- the honest reason I went there is because of being bored out of the ordinary- work-grocery-home-sleep. I became greedy- wanted more; though didnt want to 'cheat'. So I started watching soft-porn on the internet and finally went to a stripclub to 'check it out'.
Didnt realize how privileged I already was with a loving-caring family.

My wife is an angel; no way has she done anything so misappropriate, takes pride in our family and she takes care of the family really really well as if it is her privilege as most moms/wifes (and non-stupid dads) would. This is a part that is making my guilt even more.

I am sensitive to even drugs like musinex (ephedrine) and it has caused mild-depression like symptoms for a few days in me. I avoid painkillers and all sorts of narcos because Im sensitive. So I have no intention of taking any anti-depressants because I will have withdrawal and considering that the source is known. Though the anxiety/mild-depression still persists, I think the number of hrs in a day that Im anxious is decreasing.
I want to ask the doc if taking Lithium-supplements or something would be ok

I know in my heart that Im well though anxiety breeds more anxiety leading to thinking about reasons to be anxious about- what if this and what if that and what if I got hepatitis or hiv (which 2 docs, many legitimate internet forums and nursegirl havd confirmed is JUST NOT POSSIBLE)

I did test for bacterial infections and they all came out negative.

Thank you all soo very much. I have not seen such a wonderful set of people support a complete stranger. The work you are doing in commendable. Thanks for taking the interest in my and my family's wellbeing.
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Avatar_m_tn
All,
After 3 weeks, I'm  4 pounds lighter and convinced that I can move on.

But even aftet sooo many docs and medical professionals telling me i dont have to worry about hiv for receiving oral sex I still have nightmares and anxiety about it.

Sinus headache is not helping me either. Hope sinus headache is not an ars symptom.
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1140115_tn?1348499315
Hi, folks,

Since this thread is old and the original participants are no longer taking part, we'll close it now.  If you'd like to ask a question or start a new thread, please click the "Post a Question" button near the top of this page.  Thanks!

Claire
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