Anxiety is ruining my life

[Brother786]

I am male of 39 years old.I have had panic attacks since 10 years.I have tried many medications, breathing exercise,books etc. But my health is getting worse. When I get PAs I feel breathlessness, palpitations, choking, feel like going to toilet urgently,abnormal heart beat, heaviness in head,etc. I feel I will die of a heart attack or faint, lose control, or will have brain dysfuntion. 10 years back when I had my first major PA after all the necessary medical test I was diagnosed with PA disorder.At that time psychiatrist prescribed me 60 mg fluoxetine (Antidepressant) and 6 mg bromazepam (Anti-Anxiety). In 2 weeks I was in state of Mania and started talking a lot, and was feeling very high all the time. My PAs were gone. I did got major headaches and irritable mood with anger. But I felt on the top of the world.Then after 3 months my dose of fluxt. was reduced to 40 mg and brozm. to 3 mg. Then for the next 6 years my dosage was reduced on and off of fluxt. from 20 mg to 40 mg and brozm. from none or 1.5 to 3 mg. Uptill now I have done many EKG test, stress test, echo, chelestrol, glucose and many test they are all fine. My pulse is mostly around 65 and BP 70/110. Whenever I had PA I use to run to hospital for tests and they always came normal then my doctor told me to keep anti-anxiety tab in your pocket all the whenever you feel panicky take the tab and your anxiety will be over in 15 minutes. That worked for me and now rarely I have to run to the ER room.When I am at home I feel depressed and when I leave the house I feel anxiety. I feel anxious most of the time and can rarely work. I am fraid of driving alone, flying or being alone. My self esteem is very low since birth, I am very sensitive and perfectionist. Since last 4 years my doctor told me that since I was either in very high or very low mood I will need to take mood stabilzer Divalproex sodium 750 mg so that my mood doesnt fluctuate along with 20 mg fluxt. and 1.5 mg broxm. This drug has helped me a lot in my mood flutuations. But still I have lot of anxiety and depression in me.

[LBSooner]

Brother,
Seems like you have been on this journey for a long time. I am 37 and just beginning (had my 1st PA/AA late January). I know most of the sysmtoms and even personal tendencies you described, but what I did not see was cognitive behavioral therapy. This is really helping me.

Another thing: If you are religious (or have been) consider church. I am no holy roller but I do believe in god. It really helps end the fear of dying when you consider that it could be in the hands of a higher power. (Just a thought)

Regardless, Hang in their and tried to do the little things to be happy.

LB

[magen7984]

Hey i am sorry that you fell this way! (that we all feel this way) i have been having panic attacks for 3 years now. Ihve delveloped fears of driving alone and being alone as well. I havent had a lot of depression just enough to feel what it is like but what i have noticed that helps is take vitamin b complex and eat bananas it helps with depression and gets you in a right mood everyday take vitamin b complex and eat a banana. also take small steps into staying alone like for 10 minutes and then maybe 15 etc.... i cant give you any advice on the driving cause i have yet to atempt that one lol but i do drive with someone with me just try and relax you will get through this we all will get through this!

[Brother786]

It was a pleasant surprise to hear from you friends so quickly. It made me very happy that someone is there to help me.
Regarding the comment on Cognitive Behavorial Therapy I have done that 4 years ago for 12 weeks. A psychologist came here in Karachi from Australia and with her help my PA and Anxiety were drastically lowered. I could drive alone even at far distance. But now she is no longer here and no other person is here who is good and effective in traing CBT. I want to go to US or UK or Australia to get better I can afford it but I am afraid of flying. My doctor says that she will give doses of anti anxiety drugs for longer flights and I will be alright but I am to scared to take the risk.
I do take B complex, vitamin C and eat lot of bananas. I also eat lot of fish as I have it heard it really helps in depresssion and gaining energy. I don't smoke and don't drink alcohol.
These days I can stay home alone for a while but cannot sleep alone at night.
When I am with my friends and forget that I ever had anxiety but they cant be with me all the time.
The PA monster is making my life miserable but I will fight him harder. I am very religious person and pray to God every day. I know I will die when my time comes and no one could save me and on the other hand if God wants me to live PA or no one can take my life.
Sometimes I think let the Panic Attack go to the maximum. Let me have a heart attack and get it over it. Its better to be brave and die brave then to be chicken. But its easier said than done.
If I count the blessing that God has given me I feel embarsed for crying to God. I dont have a fatal disease. I have eyes, hands, legs and all the necessary things physically and financially. God tests everyone either with health or money or taking away the loved ones etc. No one is free from His tests and atlast sooner later we all have to die. Then why be afraid of it. I believe we don't die because PA, cancer, plane crash, car accident these all just the means you die when your time comes. Take Care. Sorry for giving boring lecture.