Anxiety makes me feel like im not here.

[myamb318]

Hey, ive posted on alot of sites over the years.. well, this is my 1st in about 3 years or so. im 20, and suffered from anxiety for along time. Ive had all the same worrys as a lot of other.. you no, the whole brain tumors and going blind and what not. Ive never been on medication for my anxiety because ive always said to my self if i cant help my self, I dont want drugs to push my anxiousness away for me. But yeah, Ive suffered anxiety from a young age.. My 1st panic attack was when i was like 6 or so. And even now I still get over welming feelings every now and then where I feel like my throat cramps up and I basically dive to the bathroom.. I dont no why I choose the bathroom. lol. But basically my main question is [Which I apprieciate any replys I might receive] that I dont actually ever feel anxious anymore  because I feel my anxiety is now a part of me.. And I actually feel like my anxiety makes me believe its not anxiety causing everything that is happening to me. Mainly being I feel "derealisation" all the time. Constantly. Deep down I no its anxiety causing this but its hard to explain this.. Im trying the best I can :). When I think to my self why am i feeling this way.. and Im trying to get it in to my head its just anxiety.. My mind goes blank to thinking if i have felt anxious at all lately.. Even though I no im constantly thinking things in my head. Like I dont get a second of nothing anymore.. Going back to the fact I feel anxiety is just now a part of me. This probably sounds all messed up but I remember the 1st time I found an anxiety forum online and i was made up to no I wasnt the only one. And im just hoping there is some one out there that might be going through the same as me or has gone through it. I actually cant remember a day where I felt I was "here" anymore lol and im starting to believe ive always been like this and just havent ever noticed. Anxiety doesnt scare me anymore because its apart of me. But Id just love to feel normal again.

Thanks in advance to any replys..
[Ill probably copy and paste this on other sites just to make sure I get something]

[myamb318]

Thanks for the reply so quickly, It makes me feel some what better knowing im not alone on this. Maybe one day I will snap out of this rut im in. But yeah the whole mind going blank thing really sucks.. I mean, I know I have been stressed lately because of my university course and my girlfriend not being well [She suffers from cystic fibrosis] but even when I think of being stressed, I guess im made to believe im not stressed and this is all some stupid tumor in my head lol.

God damn if my anxiety was a person. What id do to that son of a ***** lol.

[primetime21]

i feel exactly like you. I try to tell myslef wheneve i feel like iam going crazy that its just anxiety but when i thnk about anxiety i my mind goes blank as if i dont know what anxiety is. I think thats one of the biggest problems. The brain fighting mechanism for anxiety i think is a sort of amnesia which makes you forget about anxiety and what it does and so when ever you have those feelings it new to you and you get freaked out. i have had since age 17 and now iam 20 and when i think back i feel like ive always had anxiety and the only not to feel like that for me is listen to a song or have something that reminds of things that happened before anxity and that brings a big light bulb on top of my head that anxiety was not always there. On the other hand let me tell you that if you have gone so far without pills than keep goin without them.  Well, best of luck to ya

[myamb318]

Just to add, For some reason Im afraid to go the doctors to be properly check out. The thought of scans and what not scare me. Studid I know. But just couldnt ever make my self do it :S