Anxiety

[scaredlikecrazy1983]

I hoping someone will help me with my anxiety problems. I did something folish earier this year and i'm paying the price. I'm waiting on 17 week HIV test results and I feel more sick then every. My 8 and 9 week results were negative and both my primary and medhelp doctor tell me to move on but I can't. I don't know if my lymph nodes are swollen or not. I just feel horrible. Somehow I feel this test will come out positive and will ruin everything I've worked so hard to built. If anyone can give me some suggestions on how to control my anxiety i would really appreciate your input. Thank you.

[justnotsure123]

Hey im curious. I read over your posts. Im wondering, are your knees bothering you, kinda like arthritis? How about your eyes? do your nails look different, especially your toenails and does your penis head look different then normal? Also is your neck stiff and crackly? headache?

[RubyWitch]

If you and your wife are still communicating, please consider marriage counseling. Getting a professional to help you both understand why this happened can often lead to a stronger marriage. I know it won't be easy, but if your wife is willing, it's worth whatever effort you both make to save your family.
I truly hope you can work through this together.

I'm glad your test was negative.
I'm sure your doctor will be able to figure out what the swollen lymph nodes are all about. And it's NOT cancer and you do NOT deserve some horrid illness for your mistake. You really must stop thinking like that.
Do everything in your power to save your marriage. That's what you really need to focus on now.
I wish you the very best and hope you will let me know how you're doing.
Take care
Greenlydia

[scaredlikecrazy1983]

My Results came back negative... However, my wife found out about what happened and as filed for divorce... It really hurts me seeing her cry but it could never compare to the pain she's feeling right now... I have repented my sins to god and have asked him for forgiveness... I've apologized to my wife more times then u can count... I love my wife but I made a horrible mistake... I can't make an excuse for what I did... The good this is that we are still communicating... We want what's best for our daughter...

In regards to my lymph nodes, they are still enlarged in the neck and groin area... Also my the back of my right knee still hurts... I have an appointment to see my ENT on 6/6... it's so frustrating because this nightmare is getting worse... I guess I deserve everything that's happening to me... Maybe it cancer, who knows... I guess I'll have to fight it alone... So that's it... Thank you for all your advise...

[RubyWitch]

You did nothing to get me into trouble with the MODS. I manage that frequently enough all by myself. LOL

What you decide to tell your wife is nobodies business but yours, and no one is judging your actions. We aren't the moral police here.

I'm glad you're feeling a bit more relaxed, but I know the waiting is going to be difficult and intense. Try not to let all the "what if's" racing around in your mind drive you crazy. Just hang tough for the results and you'll know exactly what the next step is.

Be strong, think positive. And keep me posted, OK?
Peace
Greenlydia  

[scaredlikecrazy1983]

Hello Greenlydia,

I haven't told my wife and i don't plan to unless things take a turn for the worse. I tried taking my former female friend with me to get tested but she always started yelling that she's clean. I know for a fact if she asked me to get tested i would do it without yelling. i stopped trusting her from that moment on. I would do it just to ensure her that everything was safe. A friend of mine who knows her said she told one of his friend that her test was negative. I also switched doctors and he encouraged me to get tested one last time this week. I'll post my result hopefully by the end of the week.

I'm much more relaxed today. Your right it's time for me to "man up" about this situation.  I want to wait for my last test before deciding what my next step will be. I know 100% that my wife would never take me back if i were infective. Thank you for listening to my troubles and i'm sorry if i got u in trouble with the moderator.

[Emily_MHManager]

Hi everyone -

Please remember that this is not the HIV Prevention forum, and that scaredlikecrazy1983 was asking for help in dealing with his anxiety. His risk has been assessed by our HIV Prevention and HIV Expert (http://www.medhelp.org/posts/Bipolar-Disorder/Does-BiPolar-get-worse-with-age/show/656861#post_7027670 if anyone wants to read it).

Though we know the intentions were good, please do not offer HIV assessments, risk levels, etc. Please do continue to offer the great support you have been for coping with his anxiety.

Thanks,

Emily

[RubyWitch]

First of all, you can pull the oral sex out of the equation. That was a NO RISK exposure.
The five unprotected, vaginal encounters definitely put you at risk and definitely requires testing. When you saw your primary doctor and she told you she didn't think you had HIV because your friend was not a "sex worker" astounds me. If her belief is that only sex workers have HIV, she desperately needs to get educated about this virus, and you need to find a new doctor. Her information is totally incorrect and based on that, I can only assume she is NOT telling people to get tested which could be a fatal mistake on her part.

I take it you confessed to your wife about your affair, and your plans to get tested. You then write:

"I asked her to come with me but she would always refuse to go. That made me think she was hiding something."

Let me ask you one question first. Did you ask her to go with you for moral support or did you want her to be tested as well?

Perhaps she didn't want to go because she was hurt, angry and feeling betrayed. (Even if you WERE seperated at the time) Maybe she thought you'd gotten yourself, (and her) into this mess, so it was YOUR mess to clean up.
Her refusal to go made you think SHE was hiding something. Maybe she WAS. Maybe she WASN'T.........and just MAYBE you were attempting to shift some of your guilt
onto her? Did she give you any reason(s) why she wouldn't go?
(We ARE talking about your wife, right, NOT your ex-friend?)

That your ex-friend wouldn't get tested because she angrily stated she was NOT a ******  makes me believe she and your doctor suffer from the same lack of education about HIV. They apparently both believe that "nice, decent" people can't contract HIV from other nice, decent people. And you can't even be sure she DID get tested when she said she did. If she did, and she was positive, state laws would require her to disclose the names of all her partners. I believe failure to do so is now considered a crime along the lines of "attempted murder" if she knew and didn't tell you.

If you are 17 weeks post exposure and are being tested soon, the only advice I would give you is to man-up, deal with the fear and anxiety as best you can, hopefully not resorting to drink or drugs to wait it out, and deal with the results when you get them. There really aren't too many options at this point.

I'm very glad to hear that you and your wife are talking and spending time together again. If you both really want to save your marriage and family, I strongly suggest marriage counseling. I sincerely believe you stand a far greater chance of getting past this with the help of a counselor than trying it on your own.

I'm not sure that things will ever go back exactly as they were before, as you say, you screwed up. You will need to accept the idea that your wife may not be able to move past this but you must also know that a great many marriages end up much stronger.

I do understand how scared and anxious you are, I know what you stand to lose. But nothing can move forward until you get the test results back. That will tell you exactly what direction you will be going in.

I wish the very best for you, your wife and daughter.
For now, try to stay positive and strong, as difficult as that is.
And please let me know when you get your results, OK?
Peace
Greenlydia
  

[scaredlikecrazy1983]

My exposure was unprotected vaginal and oral sex with a former female friend I no longer speak to. We had unprotected sex five times with last exposure 3/1/2011. I tested at 8 weeks (negative) and 9 weeks (negative). Dr. hook (Medhelp MD) says 8 weeks is conclusive but everyone else says 12 weeks. I'm married and I only hooked up with her soon after seperating from my wife (things were bad in the relationship at the time). After our last sexual encounter I ended it. My wife was my only sex partner. We lost or virginity together (people never believe us)  In april I began getting sick and that's when aniexty kicked into overdrive so I decided to get tested on 4/27. I asked her to come with me but she would always refuse to go. That made me think she was hiding something. The following week I saw my Primary and had another test done. She didn't think I had HIV because my friend was not a sex worker. I continued asking my friend to get tested but she always refused saying she was clean and wasn't a ***** (I never meant to say she was a *****, i just wanted closure and with a negative I would feel better). So she made an appointment to see her doctor on 5/31/2011 and had bloodwork. Haven't heard from her since. I never got a clear answer so my aniexty never went away. I decided to have one more test this week (this will make it 17 weeks since last exposure.) i feel sick but i don't know if it's real. I'm trying to think positive but it's hard. My wife and I have started talking and hanging out again. We have a daughter and want to make it work. ok u now know my story. I just want things to be the way they were before i messed up. i want to feel like normal again.

[RubyWitch]

You will get a totally conclusive result at 12 weeks............where did you get the 17 week idea?
Since I don't know what your exposure was, I can only go by what your doctor and the MH people told you. If you were told to "move on," then that tells me nobody, (except you) thinks you had a risk.
You would know if your lymph nodes were swollen...........and if they are, it's probably from you poking at them constantly. So stop doing that, OK?
You say you feel horrible.........if you mean physically, I'd bet the rent it's from stress and anxiety, which it seems you've been heaping on yourself for quite awhile now. You should really stop that as well.
You only have 3 weeks before you can get a conclusive result. The only thing I can tell you to do that will help in any meaningful way is to get into therapy. Your anxiety is so "situationally specific," meaning it's all triggered by your fear of HIV and what you think that means, your therapist won't have to dig much to help you get control over your feelings. I'm also betting that when your test comes back negative, your anxiety will pretty much go away on it's own. Especially if you did not have any anxiety issues before the HIV scare.
If you want to tell me what you think your risk was, I could probably put your mind at rest, but you didn't believe what you were told before, so I'll leave that up to you.
Wish I could have been of more help but until you get tested, therapy is your very best bet to help you deal with the anxiety.
Peace
Greenlydia