Benzodiazipine trouble..help I'm going through hell!

i  have been taking benzodiazipines for 13 years. These include xanax, and lexotanil. I was detoxed from xanax over a period of a month with heavy detox medications but it was still hell. This was almost two years ago. But after withdrawal, I was given lexotanil. I began to use more and more as my tolerance built up until it was 6-9 mgs a dayending on my anxiety levels. Then I had a panic attack in the park and took about 4-5. Since then, my meds were taken away from me.

The doctors gave me 5 mgs of valium for a few weaks and then hesitated to continue prescribing me meds so i started to save what i had left. I feared becoming an addict and so I started to avoid taking any medications. I would take the pills every few days and they only 3mgs and eventualy 1.5 every two to three days. I didnt feel that ill and thought that the symptoms would just go away. But suddenly I hit rock bottom. I became room bound and started tripping all day with constant severe and almost paralyzing anxiety to the point that i felt unable to walk accross the room.

My memory had gone very bad, and my hair started falling out in large amounts. My menstrual periods occur every two weaks. I just thought it was rebound anxiety until one day i back tracked and realized it may possibly be withdrawal symptoms.

The problem I have now is, that I cant seem to find a good doctor to advise me what to do. My GP doesnt seem to have much knowledge about these medications and neither does the psychiatrist that I saw. I don't know wether i should continue not taking these medications ( i have a few boxes left), or if i should start to take them again until i find someone who has good knowledge of how to tamper me off them without me having to suffer like this.

My family circumstances are not helpful either as I have two parents with cancer and one of them is terminal. I want to be well while my father is alive not suffering all day curled up against my bedroom wall. I'm not sure why the doctor didn't take these things into consideration. I'm so sensitive now, afraid if everything, with no hope or answers or reassurance. Can anyone advice me what to do regarding my this issue with benzodiazipines?

[remar]

It does sound to me like your going through some withdrawal. Is there any way you can see another Psychiatrist? I'm really surprised your current one knows little about these meds.
Have you ever taken an antidepressant? Many of them will not only help with depression but anxiety also.

[dollengelic]

I'm saw a psychiatrist from the NHS . My GP put me on 20 mgs of citalopram. I used to be taking 40 mgs of citalopram, 50 mgs of dogmatil, and 40 mgs of prozac. But when i came back to london I ran out ofthe medcation and they said that the maximum standard dosage they can give me is 20 mgs of citalopram. I wasnt quite convinced. But thats all they will give me. I dont understand why he wont take me seriously, I was barely able to communicate with him and couldnt sit properly because i felt like i was going to fall off the chair. And this was a home visit and i was that trippy. Even now , i cant sit outside my bedroom without feeling like i cant stand up right that i need to lean on something. I suddenly became highly agoraphobic, socialy phobic, if my mobile rings i freak out cuz im terrified to answer.My vision is blurry and my arms ad legs feel detahed from my body. Doing normal things in the house is impossible because i cant keep myself together. I have awful suicide thoughts which i never imagined i could consider.I told him all this but he didnt seem to be quite concerned.I dont't know who to contact or what is reliable and im terrified to see any doctor who might just mess me up even more. I don't know any reliable doctors or centers or anything, thats the problem.

[remar]

How were you doing on the higher dose? Were you feeling much better. I live in the U.S. so I'm not sure how things work in London. You need to find another Dr because the one you have now can clearly see that your suffering. 20 mgs is kind of a low dose. I don't understand why he won't up the dose, or try you on something else. Is there anyone, a family member or friend that can help you find a different Dr?  

[dollengelic]

I was indeed feeling much better on higher doses. I hate to bug my parents because i feel so guilty that they are already sick. I started searching for private psychiatrists, but they are very pricey! Thats why i need to find one has some knowledge and humanity. I'm just looking online, because i only got back here last year and dont know anyone. I'l keep looking though. Thankyou.