Boyfriend with Anxiety problems, how can I help him?
My boyfriend is 30 and has anxiety problems. It all pretty much started when we began having big arguments. Even though we don't fight anymore and I let a lot of things slide just t keep the peace he still is very stressed out, can't sleep, wakes up during the night & has weird dreams.
We are in a long distance relationship and that also is taking a toll on things. He has seen a psyschologt who told him to find a hobby outiside our relationship. He was not very comfortable with her so he went and saw another one who told him the same thing.
He is working late because he has to and that is making him stressed and tired, come night time at times he can not sleep and that just makes him angry.
Our phone talk time reduced from 3-4 hrs a day to 30-60 mins a day. On the weekends we used to talk for hours 6-7 hrs at a time, and now we don't even talk for 2 hrs. I give him his space and want to help him as much as I can, but I am at a loss.
He seems to be getting worse. Last night he got angry because I called him, he said he hates it when his phone rings, he hates having to answer his phone and while at work "worry" about when we will talk. He works a lot because he has to. He broke his arm earlier this year and had many problems with it, so he is working a lot to make up to his boss for the missed time. He works Saturdays and hardly gets a weekend to himself, because he is always on the go.
Many times he has asked for a break, but we never really went through with it.
I am now starting to think maybe I am the cause of his anxiety and stress and that maybe we should just break up so he feels better?
I love this man dearly, we had plans on getting married and having a family, but now that seems so far away and the man I fell in love with is just completely different.
My question is, how can I help him? Lately he has been saying how he doesn't care if he is dead or alive, how he just doesn't give a damn, wants to be left alone. No one in his family knows about his problems, apart from his sister who only knows that he went to see a psychologist.
I just need some help or advice in how I can help him? do I leave? Do I give him a break and put my life on hold and see if he comes back and if he is better? I want to be there for him, but he seems to want to be alone and deal with it alone.
Long distance relationship are always complicated. Since you are far away from him there's not much you can do on the phone to help him other than suggesting he go in talk therapy again and asking what you can do to make him feel better. Ask him if he want you to call less often to let him go a bit. Ask him a lot of questions to see if he's maybe having a depression. Depression and anxiety are closely related.
I do think he need your supports and don't let him by himself. When someone if suffering from anxiety and or depression, strange behaviors can result this is why you must keep a good track without interfering to much which might be complicated.
I strongly suggest you talk with him about talk therapy or doctor consultation and maybe visiting him can be a good idea.
I would suggest the same as M4 as for the face to face visit thy way you can judge a little better where things are at as for the relationship and his mental state. You don't want to make things worse by jumping to conclusions if it's just the anxiety and depression making him feel/act this way!!! With that said and me being a 25 yr old female myself you also need to reconize signs in relationships and when one person might be trying to get out!! I mean he may not want to hurt you or let down your future and dreams together so if he feels like he is going another way he might try to push you away etc.. And if he is hinting a break that is a big red flag for me!!!! I am just all about woman standing up for them selves and not being treated well because as women and as humans we all deserve to be treated with love and respect especially by our loved ones, you know!!!! And long distance just might have put to much stress on your relationship amoung other things... I hope this makes since. You sound like a very sweet person and a good partner but people like you don't deserve to be brushed off or treated badly and when your future wife calls you or wants to help you a good man would welcome that and he would appreciate you and want to wk through this as a team!!! Not say and do mean things Keep up posted, good luck
I will be visiting in the next 2 months I just hope he doesn't end the relationship by then. He does act weird sometimes. Like one day he is great and very loving and caring than he can wake up extremely grumpy on edge and just hating life.
Like this mornning he woke up tired, didn't feel like going to work just was in a " f...all attitude" but when he got to work and saw an email i wrote him, telling him how much I want to be there and help him with his problems, he thanked me for doing a bit or research and for writing the email. It's like hot and cold. I think he is very confused.
He always has told me he will never find anyone like me and that if we were to end it he knows what he would be losing, however he knows I deserve better than what he is giving me "ring now". Many times he has said that he wants to be a good man an treat me as I should be treated like it used to be not the way it is now. He feels he can't give the relationship 100% if he is not okay within himself, and I kind of get that.
I suggested to him this morning that he maybe should go back to seeing his therapist and he was kind of 50/50 on it. He wants to keep his therapy private meaning that what they discuss he wants to keep me out of it and not discuss it with me. Apparently it's the best way if it's going to work.
I really am trying to be accommodating to his feelings and mood. I always tell him if he wants me to not call then I wont, I at times apologize for bothering him and he tells me to stop apologizing.
I just think his anxiety is getting the better of him.
He has never wanted to get out just because or because he didn't love or care about me. I know how much he loves me and what he wants out of life. Many times he has said he is scared that eventually I might leave for someone better and I have tried to reassure him that to me he is the best and I wont ever leave.
Very early on we know we were " the one" for each other, and we discussed marriage, me moving to his city, buying a house, having a family. These are all things he still wants with me and he said that numerous times, however he has said that he wants to be a better man for me than he is and that I deserve better than what he is giving me now.
I don't believe that just "women" have to be treated well, I think men and women equally should be treated well. I am not sure if you understood my post because he is a good man, and just because he needed a break does not mean he doesn't love me or is brushing me off. In all this time and all the problems we have had he has been there and is still trying to make it through. Everyone deals with things differently just because he might need a break to concentrate on his health does not mean he cold care less about me, because that is absolutely wrong. He is a great guy, extremely intelligent, funny smart, well educated, very good looking and all around a great package. He is just having issues now, that i want to help him with.
Ok YOU obviously took my comment way to the extream as well and I would never assume to tell anyone if someone else loved them or not especially people I don't know!!!! And I clearly said women AND all humans implying men as well should be treated with respect..as it very much is mutual!!!
I also just want to point out these are disscussion forrums where strangers can offer advice or imput on a question or situation!! When we know very little about the exact situation and just put differant ideas out there for you to weigh not to take right to heart!!
Best of luck to you guys :-) Im sorry you mis understood my comments as well, I never meant to overstep anything or offend you.. I just took my best friends recent similarities and compared it to your story, maybe a little to much.. So my appologies :-) take care
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