Can anyone relate to this?

[robertsimelda]

I dont' know if anyone will reply, but it will feel good just to vent.  I've lived with a mentally unstable mother all of my life, and I just want it to be over.  I don't remember when I first started hearing "your father treated me like a queen until he found out I was pregnant with you" (it's ironic that she used to tell me that she was treated like "the other woman" and not a child??), but while plundering through a desk drawer I found papers from the third grade where I had been going to the school counselor and told her that I didn't feel like my mom loved me.  In my teens she humiliated me in front of my friends, and the arguments between us grew so bad that I would often leave for school crying and would go straight to the counselor for sessions before my classes.  During my first marriage, she manipulated me to the point that one Thanksgiving my husband and I spent the day apart (if he doesn't go see his mom, she still has four other kids, but if you don't come over, I have no one-I am an only child).  In my 30's, she gave me a sob story about how bad someone was treating her, and I called them to confront them about this and they began to tell me just what all my mom had been telling them about me-to which she denied-but it was things that only she and I knew about.  I am now in my 40's and remarried-we moved over 1,000 miles away only to have my mom and step-father move FOUR DOORS away--and the mental games still go on.  I am so torn--I am a christian and want to do the right thing, but I wish I never had to see or speak to her again.  You cannot image the things she will say to me to try and hurt me, or belittle me, and of course I don't let her run over me anymore so I will stand up for myself and then she cries.  It is almost hilarious when we argue over the phone, because she will play the "drama queen" routine, even if things aren't heated, and you can hear my step-father in the background telling her to hang up on me.  Yesterday we had an argument and she told me that I didn't know what hard work was-that I've never had to work as hard as she has.  I started working when I was 16, and have worked ever since until now.  I only remember her working when she wanted to, as my Dad had a very nice job and she didn't have to work.  I on the other hand, have been a 911 dispatcher, and then (to please my husband, but after the divorce, out of necessity) a truck driver--I drove solo for five years and I dare challenge her to that job!!! Now I am no longer working, but a full-time college student, and mentally I can't take her anymore with all that I have going on with school.  My mom is the kind of person that blames others for everything that has ever happened in her life--if you attempt to tell her something that she doesn't like, she will turn it right around with "what about you"--well, we weren't talking about me! In January of this year she called and confronted me about buying some of her gifts from the "dollar store" and wanted to know if my husband's family had gotten them as well, then said, "you don't have to answer that-I know where we rate"--it's stuff like that that I'm sick and tired of!  Thanks for letting me vent- I am to the point where I don't know what else to do.  Mother's day is coming up and once again I will look for the card that just says "Happy Mother's Day"- all of that about what a good mom you've been and how you took care of the family, etc. makes me want to puke and I will not buy it.

[robertsimelda]

I do need to find a pshycologist..I went to one years ago when my insurance paid for it.. they really helped alot and I guess that's when I started standing up for myself.  My husband is very supportive, and is tired of all of this, too.  I am so thankful that I have school--I have made friends and it's so nice to get out of the house and interact with people and laugh.  That's one of my Mom's problems, also, she doesn't leave the house except to go to the Dr. and when I've suggested getting involved in local programs for the seniors, she says I am trying to "tell her how to live". (?) You know, I'm 46 now, but I guess I just needed someone to tell me it was okay to not talk to her, or have contact with her--she likes to remind me of the bible verse about "honoring your parents"..LOL  Thank you both for your time and concern! I am really more fortunate than I realize-I am not on meds for anxiety/depression...I read some of these posts and feel really bad for the people--like I shouldn't complain. (PS-my aunts and uncle all live back in the Carolinas-1000 miles away, and have no idea what is going on-I would love to ship her back to them!!)

[Paxiled]

I had a grandmother like that, and it took until I was 14 before my father finally kicked her out of the house.  Then she called three times a day.  I say keep moving -- you can't choose your family, you're stuck with them.

[RubyWitch]

I just wish I could have given you some real concrete ideas on how to deal with your mother, but outside of panic/anxiety issues, I'm as lost as anyone!
The fact that your mother definitely needs pyschological help is a given, but from what you've told me, I can't see her ever getting it. You say she tried once, many years ago, but didn't stick with it. Too bad..........if she had, her life, to say nothing of YOURS, would be much better today.
When you wrote this you said you "just needed to vent......" and I can sure as hell see why. But as you've seen, venting to me hasn't really helped you in any real except to get some sympathy. I think my best advice was to seek some therapy for yourself, which probably sounded weird since you're not the one with all the problems........(except for your mother) and she IS a very large problem! But venting to a psychologist would be very beneficial for you as they can help you learn ways to cope with your mother, offer much better advice on how to "handle" her abuse and offer you some options on what the hell to do with her. Plus they will give you some MUCH needed support! Dealing with her all these years has caused alot of stress and unhappiness in YOUR life and it really has to stop!
You don't have any sibs to help out, but what about any aunts or uncles? If your mother has siblings, can you call on THEM to help you out?
Is your husband supportive of you? If he is a trucker, I assume he's gone for days at a time, but how does he help you?
I'm glad you have not answered her calls for a few days and please don't let guilt start playing on your mind. I know she's your mother and undoubtably love her no matter what she's done to you, so I can only imagine that's it's difficult to ignore her.......but,  she IS making, and HAS made, YOUR life pretty damn miserable. Time to do something about it and only you can do that. You can leave things the way they are or you can get really proactive in YOUR mental health and seek out ways to deal with her. Those are your choices as I see it.
I strongly urge you to get professional help and get your life back. God knows you deserve it!
Peace
Greenlydia        

[robertsimelda]

Thank you responding--I have wanted someone to talk to about this, and just didn't know where to turn-other than prayer :-) . Unfortunately, I am an only child, and you are correct-she has deep rooted emotional problems! She fell apart ONE time and admitted that she needed help back when I was a teenager, but never did anything about it, and one time after I had gotten married she let me make an appointment for her at the mental health dept-said she cried the whole time but never went back! You know, I just want a quiet, peaceful life without all of this constant up and down nonsense.  I actually wrote this post on another forum Monday, but it sat there dorment, so I transferred it today hoping to get a response--I have not talked to her since then, and am not sure when I want to.  She has call four times, but I haven't answered.  I told my husband tonight (he's a truck driver) that I don't have to talk to my mom every day, or every week and that's ok! She will have to get used to it, because I can't take anymore of her issues.  And you're right, he's nutty, too.  I didn't see it until I came off of the road the first of this year, but man, he's out there.  He tells me he won't confront her about what she does because he doesn't want to argue--but he has confronted me (in front of her) and then never apologized. Thank you again, and I loved your advice to cheerleadermom!

[RubyWitch]

You got yourself one humdinger of a mother there! How have you kept yourself sane all these years? You have my admiration and heartfelt sympathy.  
She followed you 1000 miles and moved in four doors down!? I'd have packed up and left town that night!
I can't even begin to imagine the kinds of emotional problems your mother must have. But she has them..........in spades!
I would suggest seeking out some therapy to learn how to deal with your mother, but it sounds like you've done just about everything you can. She has made your life miserable since you were a child. Time has come, in my humble opinion, to call it quits.
Do you have any siblings? If so, are they treated the same way? If so, what do they think about moms mental state? Does she have a doctor or church person you can talk to? She is the one who needs help. Sounds like your step-father is a nutter as well.
Personally, I would pack up and move and NOT leave a forwarding address. I would not answer her phone calls and I would not let her in my home. Harsh and cruel and not very "Christian?" Probably, but just how much more of your life are you willing to sacrifice for this harpy?
I know she's your mother, but Joan Crawford was a mother, too. If you see your mother with a coat hanger, run!
Not very good advice but this is way out of my league.......I can only tell you what I'd do and that would be to get as far away from her as I could and not look back.
Please let us know what you decide to do. And I do wish you luck and some well earned peace.
Greenlydia