So, I'm writing on here once again. My initial anxiety is over, and it has changed up on me 2 times now... I've had a full out Anxiety/panic attack that lasted a total of 6 days it started on Jun 28. If you curious to what it was about in a nutshell I'll post what I believed what I had (H)OCD. I'm currently am free of those thoughts and haven't had any what so ever. Keep in mind I'm currently returning from my 2 week leave from Afghanistan and am now heading back, those thoughts started to happen a week before I left to go home and get married. My wife helped me through it, as that was a fear that would have ruined our big day- it went away. An now I have a new fear- THAT I'M NOT IN LOVE WITH HER AND I'M NOT ATTRACTED TO HER. I know this is due to my anxiety because its the EXACT same feeling as it was before. My heart races, my mouth gets dry and my mind just starts to run. It started the day before I left, I was just sitting on the couch talking to my parents who where over at our house and I glanced over at my wife who was cooking. An the thought ran though my mind that... I didn't love her. There wasn't any attraction what so ever, and its not going to work out... I know this is a irrational thought. But its running in my mind like a crazy man, and it feels stronger than the last thoughts I had. I already told her almost immediately what my mind was thinking we cried and held on to each other. We both know its not me thinking this- I wouldn't be FIGHTING THESE THOUGHTS if it was real. I look at her and they start up but at the same time if I'm not looking at her... I want to see her. I want to hold her. Shes my best friend and my everything. I know she is. We've been though everything together. I'm just looking out there for advice. People that have experienced this type of anxiety. Or if this is common or not. I'm still planning on going to the clinic once I get back to Afghanistan but I'm days away... :( Help me out if you can.
P.S- The wedding was perfect, and we went on a mini honeymoon which was great it was like falling in love all over again. I don't like getting hit in the head with a 2x4 of opposite irrational thoughts. Pass around my post if you can.
The night they started I did get a Xanax from someone to see if it would help I broke a 1mg in half. It knocked me out but the hour I was awake after I took it the thoughts went away... - so it betters my mind knowing its another irrational thought. that is becoming a obsessive one though.
I am sorry you are going through this right now. I have been through two deployments with my wife and I know it is hard. In fact, I deployed to Afghanistan two months after we were married in 2002, and it was very hard. First of all, you are under extreme amounts of stress right now and it will affect most things including relationships. For me, it took me awhile to get reconnected with myself let alone with my spouse. I too had doubts, but I also realize now that I became emotionally numb just to deal with the stress of being deployed.
In my experience, you are going to have doubts about yor relationship but I also believe once you redeploy back to home station you will readjust and love her just as much as you did before your wedding. Just don't forget to help yourself get readjusted when you get back. The military has gotten much better with providing counseling and other support services to help with things exactly like this. Also, if you need to talk don't hesitate to email me.
That was one of the most comforting things I've read. People know us, and how we are, shes literally the love of my life. It seems right now, the thoughts wont stop chattering in my head... That put me at ease though reading what you said. Do you think its kind of a mix of cold feet and anxiety of going back? A friend of mine who has ptsd told me thats what it sounds like. I know shes my everything, and just to see her face on yim/skype or whatever puts a smile on face. We don't have kids but are trying... and that too puts the biggest smile on my face. It proves that the thoughts that are running are irrational and dumb, I wish I could shut them up, but its harder than said. When I first got home it didn't even feel like I was there, I didn't care if I saw my family if was by myself or anything... I was happy when I saw her, it felt different and I told her that as-well but as we are soldiers we know its only a matter of time till we have to go where duty calls us to go.. I'm very open with her. I've told her everything in which is going on with me, shes fighting this with me... because she knows its not me... But pushes like this help... I've only been married for a week and I'm already heading back, and its going to be months till I have her back in my arms for good. (as fruity as it sounds- its the truth)
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