Do I have an anxiety disorder like OCD or is it something else?

[mitch4301]

Hi everyone I was wondering is someone could help me figure out if I have OCD or another anxiety disorder or if I have some other mental health problem.

My problems seem to have started earlier this year when I started talking to a girl. I have always seemed to have trouble talking to girls, especially ones I liked, and it was hard at first talking to her. Long story short she became my girlfriend and I ended up having sex for the first time. I didn't think much of it at first but a few days after I became concerned over whether I had an STD, specifically HIV. For about 3 months I constantly googled symptoms of HIV and somewhat convinced myself I had i even though there was overwhelming evidence proving otherwise. This lasted from around late February to probably late May where these symptoms eventually subsided. These symptoms were kind of replaced by a fear of ingesting something I was allergic to by accident and having to go to the hospital or something. These symptoms didn't bother me that much but they were still there at sometimes. Near the end of the summer however, I started to think that what if I was transgender or gay. These thoughts disturbed me because I really liked my girlfriend, at least I thought I did, and I thought I was using her to cover up being gay. Let me say that I have no problem with gay or transgender people, its just my whole life I thought I was straight, and always liked girls. Something that really spurred these gay thoughts was that I always had trouble talking to girls, but not my friends who are guys. Another thing that would cause me anxiety would sometimes not wanting to hangout with my girlfriend but hangout with my friends instead. I thought that meant that I was gay and didn't want to hangout with my girlfriend anymore. The gay thoughts started in the summer and have persisted up until very recently. Last week in fact I remember having thoughts of being gay and checking my reaction to porn and naked women. However, somehow, it was like a switch was flipped. All of a sudden I woke up and gay thoughts didn't trouble me as much, however these thoughts were replaced quickly by thoughts that I was actually a sociopath. Every morning when I wake up now I think that I am a sociopath and am manipulating people for benefit to me and that I do not have empathy or emotion toward anything. This bothers me because I specifically remember when my grandma passed away last year that I cried and was very sad. The thoughts made me think that I actually was faking that crying and that I actually didn't care that my grandma died even though I thought that I did. What didn't help was that either the next day or the day after my grandma died, I remember going to play pond hockey and having fun with my friends. This made me think even more that I didn't care about her or other people and that I have been a sociopath all along. I have constantly googled what the symptoms of sociopaths are and also symptoms of sociopaths in children. I thought I did not have any of the symptoms but I have a very bad habit of lying. Mostly the lies that I have told are to my parents because sometimes when I would spend the night at friends houses I would drink alcohol (I'm 20 by the way) and smoke marijuana but I knew they would be upset if I told them what I actually did. I also would lie about hanging out with my girlfriend because my parents used to tell me to not get involved with girls until I am out of college and have a job. I am scared of growing up to be a sociopath and I am scared I'm going to end up hurting others even though I don't want to. I have even thought to myself that I have manipulated myself into thinking that I have OCD or some other anxiety disorder because I am a sociopath and that I am trying to find blame for what is actual bad thoughts in my head.

So can someone help me understand what is happening to me? I really don't want to be a sociopath I want to be a good person and grow up to have a family and a normal life? Is it OCD or something else?

[Paxiled]

You don't say how old you are, but as you're having sex for the first time I'm guessing you're a young guy.  Not everyone talks about it, but most people at some point or another think about their sexuality.  Usually it's at an insecure point in their lives.  In your case, though, you're going so far overboard -- if you were a sociopath you wouldn't be on this forum because you wouldn't believe anything you were thinking or doing was wrong.  Googling before being diagnosed is a suicide game.  What you describe isn't OCD as you describe it, but there could be so many things unsaid on here that there's no way even if we were experts, and we're not, that we could diagnose you.  I don't have a clue what has brought this on -- something that happened that has made you very insecure at this point in your life or it's just your time and age for an anxiety disorder to break out that was going to break out at some point, but it is time to see a psychologist and figure this out.  Good luck, and stay off the Google machine.

[mitch4301]

Another thing that is constantly going through my head is the thought of being afraid of things. Through google I have figured out that sociopaths do not get afraid of things like scary movies. I went to go see IT, the movie about the Stephen King novel, in theaters, and I remember being scared for the next few days and having trouble getting to sleep because I was scared. There's also aspects of bullying in that movie and I remember feeling bad for the kids getting bullied. Now I am starting to question whether I was really scared or felt bad for the kids or if it was all a ploy to fake my emotions because I am a sociopath. I just want these thoughts to end and go back to my normal life.

[AnxiousNoMore]

Regarding your mental health fears it is not possible to diagnose you here or if you self-diagnose using Googling although you can get useful background info on conditions there - but that doesn't prove you have the condition. You would need to see a professional for a proper diagnosis, and you may be over-examining yourself and find out there is nothing wrong.
If she was a virgin then you couldn't get HIV, otherwise only a test will determine your status. Symptoms can't prove anything since anyone who doesn't have HIV can have those same symptoms. If you happen to suspect a disease in future that matches symptoms you think you are having, then it is best to go straight to your doctor to either set your mind at rest or to get early treatment.