This is not a recent idea in my head. I have been worrying that there is something not quite right with me for a long time because, well...I'm not like other people my age. My friends worry about the fact that no one likes them, that their make up has run, that they look fat. I worry that I am a self harm addict, I worry that I have suicidal thoughts that are getting more frequent, I worry that I have habits unlike anyone that rule my life. This year is my GSCE year and I am petrified. I don't mean I'm a little scared, I mean I am contemplating killing myself because I am so afraid to face those exams.
Since I was around ten I've noticed I do certain strange things. I find it very difficult to swallow for fear of choking and so I have to chew my food meticulously until I am positive there is not a lump, then I will swallow it bit by bit. I am incapable of looking at something or someone I don't want to be like and breathing in at the same time for fear that I will become them. Sometimes this habit gets particularly bad because I run out of breath and so I have to shut my eyes and imagine that I am in an impenetrable bubble through which nothing can come through except clean air. I also live in my own world. I have a lot if imaginary friends..over twenty. Some based on real people, others are not. There is a particular group of them, two girls (Heidi and Keighleigh) and three boys (Jonny, Jason and Ratte) who are my best friends. However, June 1st 2011 Ratte committed suicide and I will never get over it because I loved him with all my heart and I miss him more than anything. They come less regularly since Ratte's death which upsets me. But I am scared that I am stuck in this world. They are so real to me..I have memories of us all together that are as clear as any other memories I have with family for example.
I am a cutter, but I don't cut deep for fear of accidentally killing myself, but at the same time, suicide seems like a wonderful thing right now. So I don't know why it scares me so much. Peoples opinions really get to me. When people judge me it feels like they're cutting me. I feel more and more depressed as the weeks go on. Not on the surface, but when I'm left to my thoughts there are some bad ones in there. Last week I wrote in my diary that I was contemplating starting my suicide letter..I haven't as of yet but I want to. I wish I had the guts to kill myself right now.
I'm scared to live, I'm scared to die. I want to be with Ratte more than anything but I'm afraid to be so stuck in that world anymore. Don't even get me started on my exams. I don't know what is wrong with me, I am addicted to cutting. Do I have depression? Do I have anxiety? I don't know and I'm afraid. I just want to know if I am actually mentally unwell and take things from there because I sure as hell don't feel normal. Opinions on what to do next?
Your first step is to consult a psychologist, as you do report a lot of troubling tendencies. See if talking this out clarifies things. It sounds like depression, but you should see a professional to get this sorted out.
I totally understand how you feel, I am the same exact way as you. I have always been very depressed y entire life and I am constantly thinking of harming myself , thinking my family is going to dye, my parents, etc. My husband and I both have the same problem with swallowing anything, esp when we are in the car driving that is the worse, it's like you're throat is closing up on you. We both have a lot of anxiety and have a tough time, my husband takes people for anxiety, the feeling of being scared non stop and I take meds for depression. I have become worried a lot more and scared for some reason, I don't want to go to my job because I am nervous over god knows what, I just am. I have a son that I can barely ever manage to take care of my being I am so depressed although I try to do as others say but it doesn't seem to ever help. I am constantly telling my Mother , I don't feel normal I feel like something so different and odd, the out cast. She says she knows how I feel but I don't think so, she has been a depressed person but she hasn't attempted to harm herself as many times as I have or thought of. I can't explain how I feel but I don't feel like any human in this world, I feel like others stare at me a certain way, I feel like I gotta get out of wherever I am at. I am on meds as of right now, I have a drs. appointment Tomorrow and I am going to talk about uping my meds because I don't feel much of a change. I guess I will see how it goes .
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