Everyone's Story!!!

[Talz]

I've had so many symptoms come and go with my anxiety, some seemed to have stuck around for good.  
I have never known ANYONE in person with this kind of pain and stress, and sadly people who do know this about me, just dont understand.  They try, but they just dont understand.  
All I want to hear is everyone's story, in details on how it happened, how they feel, what they feel, what fears they have, what thoughts make them get their anxiety, how bad it is.. do you leave the house? Do you take planes?  Everything...
I think this would make me feel really connected to others with this problem, make me feel a little bit more sane about this jail cell my body and mind has become to me.
Nothing is stupid, nothing is "to crazy" with this disorder, but EVERYTHING can make me feel better...
Thanks millions.. :)

[Talz]

This can help me feel better, and all of the other people reading this....

[be still my beating heart 13]

I have copied most of this from another question I just posted a responce to... I lost my father in Dec of 2000 and developed anxiety the months following his death.  With the emotional turmoil of his passing, my worry over how my mother was going to make it through it all, I began to have the classic anxiety symptoms, the heart palps being my major focus.  I began to obsess about my heart (my dad died of a fatal cardiac arrhythmia) and wonder if that would be my fate as well.  Anything would stress me, I'd get the palps, then I'd worry about them, and get more palps.  I had unintentional weightloss, 60 lbs in 8 months in fact.  I started out at 220 lbs (female, 5' 7") and now, seven years later I am down to 120 lbs if I am lucky.  I have worried about so many diseases/conditions that the list of the things I didn't worry about would be shorter to type that the actual list of everything I've feared having wrong with me.  Let's just suffice it to say that I have worried about some sort of disease/conditon in every organ in my body, including my skin, and have been tested for the majority of them.  I refused to believe it was anxiety until I was hospitalized for dehydration and my inability to eat.  That is a really long story to tell, the short version being that I got so worked up that I couldn't keep food down, vomited frequently, so frequently that my body began to reject even water.  My docs said I was equivalent to a holocaust victim when they admited me.  They found nothing wrong with me and pleaded with me to accept that I had anxiety.  I accepted it as anxiety, and began to take Celexa.  I took it for two months and realized one day that the med had take all of my emotions.  I couldn't laugh, cry, get angry, or even smile.  I told my husband that I would rather live life with anxiety than to live my life as a zombie.  I didn't know about reducing dosages or the fact that you need to wean yourself off of those types of meds, and I threw my pills in the trash and haven't taken another med since then.  Luckily I had no adverse reactions to stopping Celexa with weaning off of it.  I began to live my "new", anxious life as best I could, but without the proper guidance/counceling I began to develop avoidance behaviors.  Anything that would trigger anxiety or panic I would not do.  This behavior spiraled so out of control that I became housebound, unable to drive, or go grocery shopping.  I woke up one day and decided I needed help.  I thought long and hard about it, and decided that since I was so afraid to leave my home that I would purchase the 15-week at-home self-help program "Attacking Anxiety and Depression" by Lucinda Bassett.  It changed my life!  In 8 weeks I was driving again, by myself, and loving it!  I created reasons to get out of the house, and now nothing can hold me back.  I still have anxiety and deal with it as best I can, med free, and I intend to begin some sort of counceling to help me fully recover.  I had spent a small fortune investigating my health anxiety only to be told every time that it is all anxiety.  I worried alot about my death, and the afterlife.  The program helped to realize that my life was passing me by while I sat around worrying about how/when/where I was going to die, and what would happen after my passing, to my soul, and my family.  I thought "wouldn't it SUCK if 20 years from now I looked back and realized that I had spent the last 20 years of my life worrying about my death when I could have just lived my life and had 20 years of worth while memories to look back on?"  Another person on this forum said it perfectly, "I would rather die suddenly from some disease that I didn't know I had than to waste another moment worrying about something that may never happen."  At this point about 60% of my anxiety symptoms have disappeared.  I have only had one panic attack in the last two years!  I have relapsed recently with worry over my heart.  I had my second child back in March, and after the birth of both of my children I developed a major obsession over my premature death.  I feel that speaking with a profession will help me overcome this thing called anxiety.  I want to be able to look back and say "I'm glad that's over!." instead of "I just want this to end!"  Please see the post that lists all of our anxiety symptoms, the list I made there is very detailed, along with all of the tests I've had run, and the docs I've seen.  I hope this helps you and that you felt well today!  

Cori

[Lekha]

I developed anxiety because even the bare minimum of the expectations in life are not met. My parents brought me up with values and taught me lot of good things. They gave me the best of the education and supported me. They even made sure that I have enough money to live with. After marriage, i find that my husband is no way matching my thoughts. Even the barrest expectation be it emotionally, mentally, physically are not satisfied. I developed anxiety and i am into depression. am in my early 20s and it affects me when i study.I feel there is a wall. I feel that my life is screwed because i can straigten things up. I am letting go of things and watching it. But when i think of the way i was living before and after marriage, i can feel my heart beat goes high and i get impatient.I hurt myself for screwing this beautiful life....thats my story!
Lekha

[moonflower13]

Well, I've been anxious all my life, over all sorts of things... nonsensical things too (OCD). The onset was having family problems when I was a little kid, when I "learned" to be anxious all the time, and that's how my brain has been programmed ever since... now it's VERY hard to reprogram it to "normal" mode. I just worry about everything.. it's not even just worry, it's a state of constant alert in the background which prevents me from being carefree and truly and completely enjoying the good things about life.

To top it all off, of course I get depressed and lose all hope and faith in life and in myself. These vary from very serious to mild states of sadness.

I've never had panic attacks though, my anxiety works on a cognitive (thoughts) level more than physical. I'm not really agoraphobic, but I prefer to stay in as much as I can, home is the only place I feel really safe and well.

[Angie162]

I guess my anxiety started when I was a child.  I remember being scared stiff at night time because of the 'boogey man' or monsters.  I remember as a child always feeling like I was in a state of horror.  I learned to live with it.  Hey, kids go through that, right?  
Well, as a teenager, it really didn't improve.  I was still scared all of the time.  I always worried about the strangest things.  As a teen, I started hair pulling.  I would sit at the table and before I knew it I had plucked out hundred of hairs from my head.  Hair pulling, in a weird way, comforted me.  I didn't think anything of it...Just a habit, right?
As an adult, I continued having a lot of anxiety about things that were completley out of my control.  I would sit up at night and just cry.  I had to fall asleep to the television just to keep my mind at bay. I also started to clean non stop.  I normally spend most of my free time cleaning and tyding.  Putting things in just the right place, constantly sweeping the floors, making sure things are orderly. The thing that pushed me to seek counseling is when I started having terrible thoughts that were out of my control, so to speak.  I thought that I was going insane.  I would cry to my husband and I would try to convince him to take the children and just leave me.  I thought that I was headed for the psychiatric ward at the hospital, and I accepted that.  
Luckily, I found a great psychologist who has diagnosed me with OCD.  I am on meds now and I am learning to take it day by day.  Things are improving.  The anxiety and OCD is still there.  Now, one of my major concerns is that I am not OCD.  I have this terrible thought that eventually I will go completely insane and end up with schitzophrenia or something else.  My dr. tries his hardest to ease my mind.  I just wish that I didn't question everything.  I wish that I could accept other's answers and explanations.  Everything needs to have proof, and if it doesn't I am skeptical.  This is the one thing that I would like to fix about myself.  
Well, that is it in a nut shell.   Hope you feel better.
Angie

[Talz]

Thank you sooo much for all your feedback, it means soo much to me!!
Keep them coming guys!!

[JSGeare]

In addition to reading the replies to your question, you can scan the forum archives and get all kinds of material. I've often wondered whether it should be compiled into a single document. In any event, I'll pass along my method for getting others to understand what panic is like.

I remind people of the childhood game of "dunking for apples," you know -the one where you put your hands behind your back and try to grab a floating apple with your teeth. Most people have played that at one time or another. Then I tell them this:

"Suppose someone came up behind you and forced your head under the water so you could not come up for air. The harder you tried, the more they pushed. How would you feel after 10 seconds? 30? a Minute -and can't get out?  Eventually, you would find yourself in a state of panic, wanting to get out of there. But you could not. Tell you what, let's fill the sink here (start the tap running) and try it out on you. Would you like to see what panic how panic feels? I promise not to let you up until you are really have a good panic going. This will only take a moment. And this will give you some idea of a mild panic attack."

Try it out on some non-believers and see how it works.

[Prisoner]

That head under the water thing is a good example of how a panic attack feels and I know alot of people I would like to try that one on. I ended up in the hospital with a panic attack about two months ago, and have been living with severe anxiety and panic ever since. I didn't know what it was at the time, but I was shaking violently, hyperventilating, and thinking I was dying, so I rushed myself to the local hospital. They treated me like I was just some kind of idiot and after sitting around shaking for about 2 hrs., they told me to go home, it was just a panic attack. They wouldn't even give me a pill or a shot to calm me down because of liability problems, I'd have to sit in the waiting room for 6 to 8 hrs till it wore off and they wouldn't admit me for panic. I just went home and suffered through it and then really got pissed off when I got the bills, insurance dosen't cover panic or anxiety issues and the bills came to over $400.00 for nothing. I now know the signs of an oncoming panic attack and through breathing and stretching excersizes and focusing on something else, I haven't had any full blown panic attacks since then. But the underlyinig anxiety has been even worse to deal with and the horrible symptoms it creates just causes more anxiety and fear. I though I had every disease known to man, included HIV, because of the multiple symptoms of anxiety. I've had many tests and they all came back negative, but I still have, headaches, nausea, occasional diarrhea, intestinal cramps, weakness, shakiness, dizziness, sore and swollen glands, muscle loss, loss of appetite, etc. It has been a living hell for me for the last three months. My doctor put me on all kinds of meds and didn't tell me the effects or the fact that you become addicted to them and have to ween yourself off. I just quit taking them cold turkey and have been dealing with withdrawels and after effects for the last few weeks now, which makes the anxiety even worse because now I have more symptoms to deal with. But, I feel it's better than being addicted to some drug that is causing havoc with my body chemistry. I have talked with family and friends about my issues and some understand and are helpful and some don't and are judgemental. Those are the ones that I'd like to hold their heads under the water, people who are not compasionate to others pain and suffering. I have been through alot of bad situations in my life and have had alot of physical and emotional pain, but this is by far the worst thing I have ever had to deal with. I know for me, the only things that seem to work are physical activity, (weights, stretching, cardio training etc), talking with someone that truly understands and has compassion, eating healthy, staying off drugs and alcohol, keeping your mind occupied and by having something good to focus on. I know I will get through this one way or another, and you will too. Just hang in there and get some support, whether it's from a professional or your friends and family, it's imperative that you have it, you can't do it yourself. Best of luck

[Shell24]

I have been anxious since around the time I went through puberty. I had a really bad body image that turned into social anxiety which I still suffer from. I also have OCD. I took prozac for a while while I was a young teenager, but stopped and started "self-medicating" with alcohol. I ended up a 16 year old alcoholic. I haven't had a drink or even smoked a cigarette in 2 years. I was off of everything for a while, and then my mother dies last year and the panic attacks got so bad, I seriously thought I was having a heart attack one night. I have been taking lexapro for a few months, and it was a lifesaver. Now that i'm pregnant, my doctor took me off cold turkey, which I'm not really happy about.

I think what has hurt me the most about this condition is that people who don't have it, think it's made up and that you can just turn it off. I WISH, there was a switch to turn off my brain overthinking everything!!!!

[johanni]

My anxiety started when I had a vaso-vagal syncope episode after heavy drinking.Since then I have had a lingering fear about my heart.My panic attacks also started after this.And they are the worst feeling in the world as you know.Most people dont understand how horrible and real such an event is.The analogy made by JSGeare pretty well sums it up!The anxiety symptoms I feel daily and the fear they bring scares me and I always feel like, this may be my last day.But then I try to convince myself that I am ok because the medical tests are all negative.And believe me i have spent thousands of dollars on examinations.Seen so many doctors been to the ER many times, only to hear I suffer from an emotional rather than a physical problem.The problem with anxiety is that the symptoms ARE REAL,but they are not caused by a physical ailment.Unbelievable,but true!!!!I feel better these days but the anxiety still has an effect on me.For example I always have somebody in the car when I drive.I was house bound for about 4months after my episode and still get anxoius when I need to leave the house.But I feel I am doing better and making baby steps slowly to get back to some normality.Best regards,
Dimi.

[rach113]

My symtoms are..dizziness,rapid heart rate( specially in the morning when i wake up), headaches, musle tension, feeling like im in a dream- like im not here, my arms get tight and hurt, weakness, dirreah, nausess, feeling like im going to go crazy, jittery, feel like i cant control my emotions...i think thats it.

It really *****! Ive always had slight anxiety but now its REALLY bad! I had a panic attack one night.. The next morning i woke up feeling really weird! It was like i was a whole different person.  I just felt out of it and anxious. Since then ive been to the ER twice and had a few tests done. Its been about 5 months now. Ive take Ativan- which really worked, but i stopped taking it cause they would only give me lik 10 pills. I also took Serqoul- which didnt work just made me feel tired all day, and i took Trileptol but i was allergic. Im scared to death to take pills so im surprised i was even able to take all of them. Oh yeah i also tried zoloft and that didnt work either. Now i am not taking anything and just trying to deal with this horrible anxiety.

I bought a book onlike called Panic Away. It was a pretty good book- taught me alot, but it was expensive. 67 dollars. Another book i bought which ws only 20 dollars was Anxiety Rescue. It is by a women that suffered from it, it was a pretty good book.  

I just HATE not knowing what is causing this! I wish i just knew! It is prolly depression for me. I was sexually abused when i was younger. I also think it has to do with the fact i HATE myself cause im really short, and the fact in 2003 i was in a carbon monoxide accident and lost my little sister. Maybe, too, that i watched my brothers baby die right after birth. The baby couldnt breath properly and died of lack of oxygen. I watched it turn blue and die. That might have to do with it but i dont know.

I just dont understand how one day your fine and the next day your life is totally flipped upside down! Im scared to do things i was never ever scared to do! ITs so annoying! I just want my life back!  Its like being born all over again- tyring to retrain your brain on how to think and react properly to things. I used to think people that had this problem were just not trying hard enogh to help themselves, but now that i am suffering from this i see how totally wrong i was!  I also see how messed up my thoughts really are! guess i would freak out too if i were my brain. lol that sounds funny!  I am determined to beat this and think more positive. If i got myself in this mess i can dig my way out. I will for sure!