Feeling kind of hopeless...

[cnote]

25 male. Suffer from anxiety... I went 3 months without having anxiety. I wasn't on anti-depressants or anything. Matter of fact I saw a psychologist... and after I saw him a couple of times, my anxiety lifted. Then of course, summer came... and that made me feel better I think.

Well, the 1st week of June, I had anxiety really bad, but it was b/c my lower back hurt really really bad, where I couldn't sleep at night. My boss told me I should go to the Dr. b/c it could be my kidneys. I totally freaked out and went into panic mode.... my heart was racing... didn't feel right... scared! Bad butterflies in my stomach. Terrible.

Well, the Dr.s reassured me it was just a strain of some sort, and they gave me some muscle relaxers... and 800mg Ibeprofin. When my back got better, the anxiety stuck around for a bit.. but then lifted... and went away.

2 weeks ago, Friday July 11th... I was on my way into town with my wife and child to go eat... I remember having an upset stomach... I think from getting TOO hungry... well... for some reason I had a panic attack in the car. Just out of nowhere! I kept trying to fight it, but nothing worked... it finally passed, but left me with my "anxiety" spell... which consists of (nervous stomach, scared, rapid heart rate, the need to pace around). Well, that night, I felt better, but it came back... on and off... the nervous stomach... this has gone on for days and days and days... over 2 weeks to be exact.

Now I'm feeling kind of depressed... I'm having trouble sleeping at night... I mean, I get tired... I do sleep, but when I wake up,... I'M UP! And its like at 7am or something really early for me! Work is so hard... my heart just races ALL DAY! And I can't stop thinking about how I feel.

I went to the psychologist last Friday. We only had a short session. He told me, that the reason I'm feeling like this is b/c of the way I think. He's having me read a book called "FEELING GOOD" by Dr. Burns.

He says It's all about the way I think.

Here's what runs through my mind now, every second of the day... it's so exhausting...

"How am I feeling right now?"
"Why can't I calm down?"
"Why do I feel like this?"
"Is this ever going to end?"
"Am I just going to wake up tomorrow feeling good?"
"Is there any natural herb that I can take to cure this?"
"Maybe if I keep exercising?"

I try so many things... I try to make myself smile, and laugh... and it's just so hard to do.

My stomach is still in knots... and nervousness... after 2 weeks of this.. .I just feel hopeless... no appetite
I don't know why this happened to me... I was doing SO good. I was enjoying my life... I was enjoying my daughter... and now it's hard for me to even smile when she's being so cute... and I feel terrible... I want to feel like playing with her... and having fun... it's just SO hard.

My real father (WHO I NEVER KNEW) was a manic depressive. The reason why I never knew him was b/c he killed himself when my mom was pregnant with me.

My mom tells me I'm nothing like my real dad.... which makes me feel good... but sometimes I worry... about "what If I am like my real dad? I'm not going to end up like him am I?"

Mom says my real dad had big problems though.. did a lot of drugs.. had problems coping with losing his mom from cancer at a young age... and he just never got real help.

What makes me feel better, is that I am acknowledging that something is not right with me.
My mom said my real dad didn't know anything was wrong with him.

***My question is, do you think this is all in my head? Do you think I'm so caught up in it, that's all I can think about, which is making me feel this way? Or do you think medication is something I need on top  of therapy?***

Thanks for listening!

[Prizma]

Thanks. Now I'm going to be picturing a pink elephant.. lol

At least you can goto bed at night relaxed. I sure as hell can't because my mind is going all the time. I've been training myself to rethink/refocus those thoughts at night but there have been many times I basically yell at myself inside my head to SHUT UP and GO TO SLEEP. I try to focus on a candle flame and calm everything out of my head. I chose a candle flame because I always found them soothing.

Seems like you'd do well with cognitive behavioural therapy since you're asking yourself "How are you feeling right now". I'm even scared to ask myself that because I'm afraid it will spin me into a panic attack lol.

One thing to be positive through all of this is you're not alone, you're not going crazy, and you're surrounded here by people who have been through it just like you. I never had that comfort growing up. I didn't understand that there were others out there who have felt the way I do and I am normal like everyone else... I just have "ab" in front of it so I consider myself super lucky!!

;)

[cnote]

It's just like a never ending cycle... of fear... and fear finally brings on depression...
and low self esteem... nervousness... b/c I fear I can't get out of this... I feel WEIRD... light headed... my speech is weird... sometimes I catch myself saying things that don't even makes sense...

I was on the phone with my mom... and she said "are you going to go see your grandmother today?" And I said "yeah probably" Then I asked my mom "Are you going over there?" And she replied "No." Then I said "So when are you going over there?"
She said "Chris, I'm not going over there tonight." And I kinda freaked myself out.
Anxiety? Or just my thinking too much...?

You think this cognitive behavioral therapy will help me overcome this? I saw him last week for like 40 minutes... and he basically just told me my thoughts are making me feel this way...

So he said to change your thought process...

That's REALLY REALLY HARD TO DO!!! It's like saying "Don't think of a pink elephant"

What do I do? I think of a pink elephant.

I go to bed at night relaxed...  but when I wake up... My mind starts racing... like I'm talking to myself in my head ALL THE TIME... saying.. ."Today is going to be a good day" or ... "Just go back to sleep Chris.." "How are you feeling right now?" "Are you going to feel better today?" "Are you going to get your appetite back today?"

All these questions just GO GO GO GO GO in my head.

They have GOT TO STOP!

It's not easy though. So maybe the psychologist will help me... I'm hoping! =)

Thanks for writing.

[Prizma]

All in your head? Yes... that's what anxiety is all about. I've been living with it as long as I can remember. It's only been recently that I've taken the time to actually sit down, read up about it, and put pieces of this puzzle together. The biggest problem I had with panic attacks is "what if". When you get an attack, you try to prepare for the next one by throwing yourself into the "what if" cycle.... What if it happens when I'm walking down the street... what if I pass out? ... what if no one sees me while I'm passed out? what if...  as you can see you end up building yourself into an attack. Now if I start thinking that way I'll tell myself to shut up. lol When an attack occurs it's not as bad because I also tell myself "I've been through this before and came out fine. I can do it again".

Chances are you're manic depressive as well if your father was. Genetics.. gotta love them! Looking back in my family tree, there is a lot of mental health stuff going on with my mom's side of the family. Both sides have substance abuse problems. Both my parents are alcoholics; my mother is manic depressive. Genetically I'm screwed and I've had to learn to accept that. How? Via medication. You're not taking "a happy pill". You're taking something to help you function and have a normal life. Same as someone with diabetes and needs to have a shot every day.

The path you're on right now is not easy but with the help of family and friends, you'll be ok. If you're unsure of starting a medication, start researching other alternatives. The one problem I've found while being on medication is I tend not to try and fix things while on them. Medication to me is like a bandaid; it's covering the sore, but it's not fixing it. To help with your anxiety you should probably look into some cognitive behavioural therapy.

My 2 cents :)