Getting better but nothing feels quite the way is should do, not the way it did.

Hi I'm new to this forum:
I've been suffering from anxiety for just under a year now. The root of my anxiety, so far as i can tell, is a fear of being Schizophrenic. I hope that by relaying my experiences to other uses that they might take comfort in relating to them the way that I have to other accounts of anxiety and panic disorder.

Background:
My uncle was diagnosed with Schizophrenia just before I was born (1988) and he has caused my family no end of trouble and inconvience this is obviously no fault of his own however I have seen how much my mother, grandmother aunts and uncles have been distressed and troubled by my uncles illness, looking after him has been a nightmare for all of them. I never want to cause my family such trouble and this is why I'm scared of being schizophrenic because it will effect people who don't deserve it.  

Onset:
For about three years I was a moderate cannabis user till one day I couldn't sleep, I was tossing and turning and having horrible thoughts. I had a sensation of impending demise and disaster. I questioned why I was having these thoughts of harming my self and other thoughts that were unpleasant. I was in a sort of a limbo between dreaming and awake and it was the bad dream that ultimately threw me into a panic attack. Of course at the time I didn't know that that was what was happening and so I thought I was going crazy. And why wouldn't I? my heart was racing I was restless my sense of rational had evaporated leaving me only with acute fear. I was scared of the unknown scared of the lack of certainty my hands were sweating and my breathing short and crushing.   I eventually  fell asleep with the aid of some sleeping pills (diphenhydramine hydrochloride) I awoke the following morning to a cartoon world and I was the unwilling protagonist. It was the severe depersonalisation/derealisation that convinced me I was mad. I can remember quite clearly being sat on the bus catching myself repeating the words " ****, I've gone crazy" over and over and over. It was horrific. Such fear, such terror and all for nothing Fear for Fears sake is a term synonymous with anxiety and I find it useful to remind my self of that when ever I feel panicked.  

Just shy of a year later…..
Since the onset I have had only three of four panic attacks and  now they don’t really phase me at all. I just don’t care because I have come to realise that they will bring me no harm. No harm what so ever. A panic for me is the emotional personification of an anti-climax, I seem to have learnt that they come to no avail
But what I don’t understand is why they still happen if on a conscious level I know that there is nothing to fear. When they do happen it’s like there is two layers of though; both conscious. The first layer is saying that everything is fine so don’t worry  and the second layer is a chorus of “what ifs?” and “yeah buts“
     I have never been brave enough to visit a Dr or a clinical psychologist regarding anxiety for fear that they might tell me I'm schizophrenic or that I have something physically wrong with me that is terminal. I was recently diagnosed with Ankylosing spondylitis (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ankylosing_spondylitis) and I had no problem talking to the doctor about that, I was fine. But the thought of mentioning my anxiety to him made me fear a panic attack. I can't talk about it to anyone, only my girl friend knows and if she ever brings it up it makes me worse.  I have always been a very private person and the though of revealing genuine personal sensations to a stranger makes me more anxious and because of this I can't see how any professional could help me.
I know deep down that I am not schizophrenic but one thought just seems to grab on to another and the cycle just goes on and on and on. even to write this down is somehow therapeutic it makes me feel so stupid to think that I have wasted a year suffering from a mental condition that renders me terrified of a worse mental condition that I know I don't have.

Nowadays I do feel a lot better, a lot lot better, there’s no doubt about it. But I’ve still got a feeling that everything is not quite right, not quite the way it should be……….when ever I go through periods of being fine, for say three or four days, I eventually hit a huge wall and start to panic that I’ve not been thinking about being anxious for a while. Then I’m back to three/four weeks of paranoia and anxiety.  I just want it all to stop

Is there anything I can do that doesn't involve seeing a Dr or medication? the though that I would be treated for a mental condition is what I'm scared of. What can I do to help myself
any replys would be such a help and if anyone see's any similarities in my experiance please message me.

[moonflower13]

Hi, Griffin!

Honestly I don't know if it's possible to be the ones we were before anxiety/depression/OCD/you name it hit us for the first time. After all, bear in mind that before all of that we were innocent, in a way; then we experienced first hand what mental pain is, something we had no idea of before, or, at least, not to that degree. From what you write, it's obvious you experienced it to a high degree, so your full recovery is probably supposed to be longer than someone's who has been a mild case.

However, also, following your story, it seems like you haven't recovered properly; your condition was left untreated and, if that's the case, it's more likely that it will come to the surface again, either as panic attacks or as your remaining state of fear or occasional anxious thoughts.

I can relate to that; I'm a very private person myself, and I didn't have faith in someone else being able to help me. But finally, I sought help because it was the only thing left to do. Now I'm seeing a therapist once a week and, much to my surprise, I've been able to develop a healthy patient-to-therapist relationship where I'm never ashamed to talk about anything and I've never had anything slightly similar to a negative reaction. Therapists are used to hearing all sorts of situations and they're trained to look at them from a detached position. Probably they're the most suitable person to help someone, because they don't have any emotional links to that person.

Again, I don't know of a solution that works for each and every single sufferer of anxiety (or any other condition), but I know that having to put up with mental pain alone, or almost alone, like you're doing, is unbearable and bound to cause you more pain.

If you definitely don't want to seek professional help, at least I'd suggest talking to someone you trust, someone very close to you who cares about you and won't be judgemental of what you're going through.

All the best.