Going to be a long few weeks

[alvaa]

I need some help, prayers, and encouragement. Mom is dying. She has been on dialysis for about a year now and about 9 months ago they found blockage in her heart that they couldn't repair. They sent her home with nitroglycerin for pain. It had been okay up until about 3 weeks ago when we had to go to the hospital. They sent her home last week and it has been going down ever since. We've decided not to send her to dialysis today because she is doing bad and her blood pressure is 88 over 50.

I just need some advice on how to control my excessive anxiety and depression.

I am on Cymbalta and Xanax when needed (and has been needed a lot lately).

[alvaa]

Thank you. It just came sooner than we thought and when she was going through it, I had it in my mind that her death wouldn't be this bad. I just remember that the last words I told her while she was somewhat coherent was that me and my daughter will be okay. I felt like she was hanging on because she felt the need to take care of her "baby boy" and his baby girl. I was living here in her house taking care of her but in a way she took care of us too. She always made out the grocery list and cooked supper, until her last few months.

[LeamonTea81]

Not sure if any of my words count but I too have experienced this life changing event around the same time as you (lost my father a few weeks ago).

I cannot really offer you any advise and I'm still trying find myself back to my normal routine. Here are some of the things I do that I find helpful, maybe they will help you also:

• Don't blame yourself for what happend
We're sure that you have tired your best to make her feel better but sometimes there are situations that we cannot change or make a difference.

• Remember the good times
It's easy to recall her final moments but that won't do you any good. Try your best to recall good memories and keep the tone positive (like when you did something that made her real proud and when she had a smile on her face etc)

• Collect only the positive memories
No one is asking you to erase her from your memory, like mentioned above, if you keep gathering only negative thoughts then the only feeling you will get is negative. Try gather only the good memories and recall all those when you are feeling down.

• Look at this from her perspective
I know its extremely painful to lose a love one but would it be fair for him/her to continue the suffrage so that we can see them for one more day? (My father was diagnosed with a critical illness and was gone within 2 months). While I am at a total loss, I try to think that hes at a better place and he doesnt have to suffer no more....

• She wants you to be happy, not sad.
All parents only wish happiness to their kids. As a father yourself, you should know how that feels.

Chin up buddy, we'll get through this together.

[alvaa]

For some reason tonight has been really hard. My ex-wife came and got my daughter about 30 minutes ago and after they left, I just broke down and cried and kept apologizing saying "mother I am sorry I let you die!"

[alvaa]

She was real close to my mom. Since I live here and took care of her, every time I got my daughter, which is like 4-5 days a week, she came here. She was not here on the day that mom passed. This is her first experience with death. Her mom had prepared her because her Pappy on her mom's side has cancer and is dying but he has outlasted my mother. She is 8 years old.

[nursegirl6572]

It's not spamming!  I'm glad you've posted the updates.  SO glad you're feeling better!

Yes, that's totally normal with your daughter.  Was she real close with your Mom?  Was she there when your Mom passed?  Is this her first experience with someone dying and funeral homes, etc?  How old is she?

Wow, that was a lot of questions, lol.  Just trying to get a better feel for the situation, but yes, I would think it's totally normal  She just needs some reassurance and extra security right now.  Encourage her to talk about how she's feeling.

I'm so glad to hear the anxiety is subsiding,...that's awesome.  Going back to work was the best thing you could have done IMO.  That kind of distraction and normalcy is SO helpful!

[alvaa]

I hate to be spamming my own thread but, today was a good day. I didn't have hardly any anxiety today. Hooray me! However, as the days go on, when I have my daughter, she is very clingy. She is right next to me everywhere I go. If I go to the bathroom, I have to make her wait outside the door, but it has to be cracked. Now she wants to sleep with all of the lights on. Is this normal?

[alvaa]

Today was my first day back to work since my psychiatrist took me out last Thursday. It was tough. I was fine until the afternoon. I felt like I couldn't get oxygen when I was breathing, I felt numb all over. My stomach started hurting and my heart began racing. I had taken a half Xanax (0.25) before I went to work and then the other half at 11:00. Wheeew! It was a rough afternoon.

[alvaa]

I am thinking about getting a hotel room in a nearby city tomorrow night just to be away for night.

[nursegirl6572]

That's okay.  You need that outlet....you need to cry when you feel you need to!

[alvaa]

Right now I think Crying is my middle name.

[nursegirl6572]

You're dealing with agoraphobia (the feeling very anxious anywhere but home) which is something you deal with anyway with the anxiety, but it will be worse for a while...as you're feeling so vulnerable so you feel more at ease at home.  Of course the depression feelings are normal too, thinking about how Mom passed at home.

Just push yourself a little to stay engaged with others, and try to get out when you can.  You will feel the urge to isolate and not go out.  That will make you feel worse.  Of course, you're not going to push yourself as much as you would if this was strictly anxiety.

I feel for you sweetie.  I can only imagine how hard it is for you.  Are you letting your emotions out, crying?

[alvaa]

He was able to see me yesterday morning. He took me out of work for this week and part of next week. He told me to take a half xanax in the morning and 2 at bed time. My biggest issue is that when I go anywhere (work, Wal-Mart, mall, friend's house) I get anxiety. When I stay home (which is where my mom died) I get highly depressed. Right now I have my daughter and it helps some. We brothers and sisters are getting together tomorrow to discuss financial issues along with who gets what, etc. Also, my daughter leaves out on vacation to Florida tomorrow and won't be back until Monday.

[nursegirl6572]

Sweetie, just remember that this is normal.  You're getting that delayed reaction stress that occurs after all of the services are over and the reality starts sinking in.

Keep in close contact with your doc.  You may need a higher dose of the Xanax for a while.  Just try not to feed into the symptoms themselves by assuming this is all anxiety related...it's normal life stress after a HUGE loss.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.  Be kind to yourself.  Don't have hugely high expectations for right now.  I've been thinking of you.  Please keep posting.  Let us know how you're doing.  Be patient with yourself and this process.

[alvaa]

I am in the middle of a major panic attack. Today was my first day back to work and it hit me about an hour ago. I am so shaky and nauseated, I took a xanax right when I got up this morning at 7:00. I just took another on about a half hour ago. They don't seem to be helping any.

[alvaa]

I will do that now. I am at a loss right now.

[MYoungAtHeart]

My own mother passed a year ago this week and your posts bring back so many feelings and memories I went through at that time.

I was crippled with terror and sadness right after moms funeral, could not even take care of my basic needs like food or self care and my sisters were dealing with their own feelings when i decided to write an open letter to the Universe about my mom and my feelings....Once i started writing, i started crying and could not seem to stop, i wrote through snot, and tears and screams, twisting and pulling my hair, filling up pages and pages of dreams gone wrong, words said to my mom that went wrong, feelings about my moms and my relationship and then after a few days or weeks finally  writing my mom a letter and addressing it " To Mom In Heaven" and letting her know how much I love her, miss her and still, still after all this time, need her in my life.  

People who we love and who love us may leave us physically, but a mom and child bond is forever.  I don't know if you have tried writing your mom a letter now, but for me it made all the difference in being able to move forward with the life she gave me...

My condolences to you and I wish you the very best that life has to offer...

M

[alvaa]

I can't get out of the house. I am so terrified and so depressed.

[alvaa]

I made it pretty well until now. I slept most of the day yesterday and then couldn't sleep last night. I've had more depression than anything. I slept until about 11:00 this morning. I was about to try and lay back down and booom! my heart started racing, skipping beats, got dizzy and can't breath. I took a Xanax. This was the first one I have taken since before the funeral.

[alvaa]

Her funeral is today. All arrangements have been made and everything taken care of. Thank you.

[lorigirl76]

I'm so sorry about your mom.  May you find comfort and peace.

[nursegirl6572]

That's good.  It helps having lots of people around.  I'm sure you know it will hit you harder after all of the funeral events.  Did you guys make the arrangements?  What's the plan?

I've been thinking of you!

[alvaa]

Thank you sweetie. It has been a rough day. A lot of family in and out. I am holding up pretty good. I have my daughter tonight and that is helping a lot.

[nursegirl6572]

Oh hon, SO very sorry.  Please be kind to yourself and lean on your family and friends, okay?  Let yourself feel whatever it is you need to feel.

You're in my thoughts and prayers...wish I had words that would comfort you.  Please check in when you can...we're here for you.  PM me if you need anything.

XOXO

[alvaa]

Mom passed away this morning. It has been a rough day.