HELLO IT HAS BEEN>>

12 YEARS SINCE I HAD UNPROTECTED SEX. OUT OF FEAR I DID NOT TEST. I FEEL FINE AS HEALTHY AS I CAN GUESS. I SUDDENLY FOUND A DARK SPOT ON MY THIGH THAT I FEEL RESEMBLES KAPOSI SARCOMA. I POSTED THIS MESSAGE ON THE HIV PREVENTION FORUM AND THEY REFERED ME TO THE ANXIETY SIDE BECAUSE OF MY FEAR OF TESTING. IM A STRAIGHT MALE WHO MADE A SERIOUS MISTAKE IN JUDGEMENT WHEN I WAS 14 YEARS OLD. I HAVE LIVED WITH THIS MISTAKE FOR ALL THESE YEARS FEARING THAT ONE DAY I WOULD WAKE UP AND BE SO SICK THAT I WOULD KNOW AUTOMATICALLY. AS BACKWORDS AS IT SOUNDS I KNOW I SHOULD TEST BUT MY FEAR OF THE RESULTS KEEPS ME FROM DOING IT. WHAT IF IM POSITIVE WOULD I ACTUALLY BE RELIEVED OR WOULD I NOT WANT TO GO THROUGH THE PAIN AND SEEK OTHER WAYS TO HANDLE IT. STUPID I KNOW

[AJ39]

Do you have a close friend to go with you for the test? I believe you really need to be tested and maybe all this anxiety will lessen. Talk to your dr. maybe he will prescribe a med to just get you to the appointment. I know you will feel so much better when it is done.
Keep us posted. good luck.

[greenlydia]

I do have to agree with your final assessment of this situation. My words may be harsh, unkind, some may even say brutal, but apparently you are finding that ignorance is NOT bliss afterall. It's just ignorance.
I do realize it's very frightening to get tested for ANY disease, and there isn't a single one of us who doesn't fear the results. But surely you understand that knowing is better than not knowing! By knowing you have a chance to fight it, to beat it, to win. Keeping your head in the sand could be likened to signing your death warrant. You are giving up every option, every chance you may have had.
You ask "if I WAS postitive, would I be relieved to know or would I not want to go through the pain and seek other ways to handle it?" Since NOT knowing is obviously not offering you any relief, I do believe knowing would end 12 YEARS of fear. HIV is no longer an automatic death sentence. And what are you talking about when you say you wouldn't want to go through the pain and you'd "seek other ways to handle it." If that means what I think it could mean, that's just BS.
Only people with full blown AIDS develope Kaposi's sarcoma.
I can understand why the HIV Forum sent you over to us. Either man up and go get tested or get into some therapy that will help you get there sooner than later.
You're a 26 year old man now, not a scared 14 year old kid...........
Greenlydia    

[scaredtodeath633]

i want to thank you for your words, i really appreciate it. i have anxiety issues i know i always thought that people were trying to do me harm look out the window constantly and wait until my sidewalk is clear on both sides before i leave my house. im afraid to go anywhere i dont know if this stems from my hiv fears but i know this isnt the way to live. i thank you so much for what you said.

[scaredtodeath633]

thank you also for taking the time out to answer my question.

[scaredtodeath633]

no you too really helped me bunches i only wish i had a friend i could trust with such a thing. not looking for pity party but the friends i have wouldnt care. i just need to man up. thanks

[mammo]

Take that one step and get tested.  The only thing you have to fear is fear itself.  The sooner you get tested the better, the earlier they start treatment the better, any disease has a better outcome if caught early.  But then....you may not have HIV!  There is still that possibility.  The fear of not knowing and worrying over this is holding you hostage and making you sick with anxiety!  They've come a long way with the treatment of HIV, it's not like it used to be.  Fear of "not knowing" I feel is much worse than knowing, even if you test positive, at least you know and can be treated.  This is really increasing your anxiety, and that can become very debilitating.  You have a choice....make it.  Do it for YOU, get your life back.  Call your doctor and explain your situation and see what he can do for you, but find a way, you need to address this.  Many, many young people visit the local clinics everyday to be tested, you're not alone with this.  Find a way, get a relative to go with you, but go, for YOU.  Take care.

[avonelle38]

The chances of you having HIV are very close to zero. You were 14 and it was a one time exposure with someone who I am sure was around your age as well.. if she was not a chronic IV drug user and did not have sex with men who have sex with other men, there is no reason to believe she was HIV infected. The chances of you having had HIV for 12 years and been 100% perfectly healthy are also extremely slim. You do need to be tested, as anyone who has unprotected sex needs to be responsible for their health and the health of others and be tested for STDs. But I recommend testing mainly for your peace of mind so you can put this torment to rest. Again, your chances are very, very low. But as everyone has suggested, you do indeed need to be tested. I wish you the very best of luck, and I'm here if you need me or have questions.

[avonelle38]

And may I say one more thing- that "dark spot" you suddenly found on your thigh is NOT Kaposi's Sarcoma. I have seen Kaposi's Sarcoma, and you do not have it.