HELP with mother

[stressed430]

I am a 19 year old college student and I am having a hard time dealing with my mother. Starting in high school she would randomly scream and yell at me for no reason every 3-4 months. She constantly picks on me, berates me , and its starting to hurt my self esteem and my relationships with other people. My parents are divorced and when she gets angry she yells at me and calls me horrible names and tells me that I am like my father. By the end of high school I was seeing the school counselor who suggested family counseling. My mother refused to go. I understand that my mother who is a single mother is struggling with her own issues but I feel like she blames all of her problems on me. Her latest thing is that she wants to control who I speak to and who I am friends with. I'm not trying to brag, but I am a really really good kid. I have mostly straight A's, I don't drink, smoke, do drugs, or sleep around. My friends are mainly the same. I don't do bad things and I have never been in trouble with the law. My mom hates my best friend for some reason and basically told me I am forbidden from speaking to him ever. The thing that I am having trouble with is that its not really about my best friend or anyone person in general. The problem is a control issue-she has been trying to control me and control me and I usually don't say anything when she yells at me and I just go along with whatever she says. But, I will be 20 in a few months and I am so tired of this emotional torture. Its like one day she loves me and the next she is a raging lunatic. She has recently told me that I cannot be friends with people from a certain race & religion. If I try to take a break from school to socialize she gets extremely angry. She also makes me call her whenever I go somewhere or do something ( i dont really have a big problem with this but if i tell her im going to have dinner with X person she gets angry and says things like "do you really have time for that"). I have calmly tried to explain to her that she cannot pick friends for me anymore as I am not a baby. I even told her that I respect her opinion but I will meet a lot of different people in college and later on in life and she cannot micromanage all of them. I don't know how to get her to understand that I am growing up. Unfortunately, I am still financially dependent on her and she uses that as a leverage point to threaten me.  I have two older sisters who are in their 30's who went through the exact same thing as her. For them it was easier to deal with as our dad was still in the picture. I am starting to feel really hopeless as they are busy with their lives and I don't know how to deal with her anymore. She is never supportive of me and if she rarely ever is she will use that against me the next time she yells at me. She also lies and tells my sisters different versions of our arguments and then constantly tells me that I am creating drama and I am going to break up the family. Please give me your best advice as she is literally making me crazy.

[stressed430]

you are right because it is getting worse. now she started this thing where she is convinced i have a boyfriend and that i've had one for the past 5 years. i dont know where she gets all this from because i seriously don't. i'm pre-med and double majoring i dont have time for a huge social life let alone a boyfriend. so now she's called one of my friends dads to tell him that he needs to do something about me! craziness. my sisters are trying to talk to her today but i am very fed up with all of this. i will be 20 in a few months and i feel like im in 8th grade all over again with this type of drama.

[jul04]

I think you are onto something about your mother being upset because you are growing up.  She might be afraid of being alone.

I know that you probably have tried talking to your mother in the past but I would suggest that you try again.  This time maybe you want to write her a letter.  Tell her that you love her and that you want her to be apart of your life.  In order for that to happen she needs to treat you like an adult, stop berating you and she needs to stop trying to control you.  Maybe seeing it on paper she might open her eyes to what she is doing to you.  Remind her that she did the same thing to your sisters at this age and that ended up pushing them away.  Don't threaten her with that tell her that is what you are trying to avoid.  

If that doesn't work you seriously might be better off getting another job and give her time to deal with her own issues.  Don't cut her off completely but don't but yourself in a positon where she has to opportunity to come down on you and make you feel worthless.

You are lucky to have your friend....I am sure that he is a great support for you.

If you need to you can personal message me.  Good luck and let me know how you make out.....

[stressed430]

Thank you so much for your advice. I am kinda already moved out which you would think would make it better but its actually worse. I go to school about 2 hours away from home but my mom requires me to come home every weekend. I usually make up a reason to stay such as a big test that I have to study for and that way I get a weekend off away from home. Its frustrating because even though I am not around her physically she will call and find some reason or another to get angry at me. The past summer was hard because for some stupid reason I decided to stay at home instead of stay at school.

I help in the business that she owns but she always makes me feel like i'm not doing enough. I have suggested that I get a job a couple of times and I have even sent applications in but she tells me that if I have time for another job then I can do more to help her in the business. Its like a sort of mind game and I don't know how to break out of it.

She is definitely  using the financial stuff to control me. I have been thinking more and more about how I can break away from that. I only have 2 years of school left and I have a full scholarship for tuition so the only thing I would have to worry about is living expenses, medical insurance, etc. Today, she just had another one of her episodes with me. My sisters want to sit down all together and try to talk to her but they can't do that until November because thats the next time we will all be together. I think if she doesn't calm down after that I will try to start taking out loans. I just don't know how I should exactly go about doing all of this because I don't want to hurt her by just completely disappearing but at the same time she's been putting me through so much crap for so many years.

Its weird because she did the same thing with my sisters around this age and both of them stopped talking to her for 3-4 years. I don't know if she's having trouble accepting the fact that I am almost a grown up or what. All I know is that I can't keep listening to her insults and abuse all the time.

I feel really bad for my best friend because he always has to listen to all this crap and listen to me being upset about something she has done. I know he doesn't mind and he does it because he cares about me but I seriously feel like i'm turning into a whiney, obnoxious person and I don't want that to happen.

[jul04]

I am so sorry that you are going through such a hard time with your mother.  I can relate to you because I had similar experiences with my mother.  

First thing you have to remember is that whatever your mother's issues are you are not the cause of them.  I think from reading your post that you do get that but it is always good to be reminded of that.

It seems like your mother is using that fact that you are financially dependent on her as a way to control you.  I would suggest that you get a job and start saving money so that you can possibly move out.  You don't have to move on your own you could get a room-mate and find a really nice apartment.  

If you don't think that this is something you could do then do you think you could rent a room from one of your sisters or something?  I am not telling you to run away from your mother but I think if you but some distance between the two of you for awhile and you are able to get out from under her control then things will be better for both you.  You actually might have a better relationship.

In the meantime I think you should talk with your counselor at school.  I know you said that you have done this in the past but it might not be a bad idea to start up again.  You need to have your own outlet.  

I feel bad like I am not giving you the right advice.  I just know that when I was in a bad situation with my mother and I moved out things were better.  I had control of my own life.  I know that it is scary but it is worth it....

If she tries to use paying for college against you I would suggest you apply for financial aid or take out student loans.  I know that might not be something you want to do but it might be worth your santity.

Good luck and keep me posted....