Aa
HIV / Anxiety / Life
I’d like to share my story with you. I’m not really sure whether I’m expecting help or maybe I’m just hoping this writing experience to be cathartic. There are many people in similar situations to me, but as always with this kind of thing, I’m convinced my case is “unique” or different.
Firstly, let me give you a bit of background. I have always been afraid of death (an intense fear). I’ve always been a hypochondriac. I have often experienced depersonalisation and derealisation, often in relation to the “death” issue. I am not religious, and so cannot find any solace in prayer.
I have a very low opinion of myself, I have no self-confidence and am struggling with my job / finances at the moment.
You can read about my “exposure” on my posting history. I have tested for HIV out to 22 months. All negative – but with very real ongoing symptoms since the exposure. Some can be attributed to stress / anxiety. Others cannot. Too much of a coincidence, I often think.
I struggle to accept my negative results. I look for every reason as to why I shouldn’t believe them. In the process I have convinced myself that I must have CVID (lack of antibodies) causing the frequent colds, “thrush”; I have then convinced myself that I am one of the serosilent who never develop antibodies. This leads to further depersonalisation. Fear. Anxiety.
My fears with this started with me being afraid of herpes. Then syphilis. Then HIV.
If you play the numbers game, I should be statistically in the clear – but what if I’m “the one” who is unlucky that the tests missed. I don’t trust my body.
And as with anything when one is incredibly worried, everywhere I look all I see are things related to HIV – articles, numbers, letters. A shudder instantly goes through my spine. It seems too much of a coincidence – almost like destiny.
I spend hours a day looking at all the HIV forums on the internet – looking for someone in a similar situation. Looking to convince myself one way or the other. Occasionally, I go through a few months of normality before the fear sets in again. The consequences are too dangerous to just “let it go”.
Of course, I was unfaithful. I told my girlfriend. But when I look in to her eyes I can’t forgive myself. I don’t want to hurt her. I hate uncertainty.
I long to go back to my childhood (or even just a few years ago). When things were simple. When life was good. I don’t want to be here. Thinking about HIV, odds, statistics and symptoms. I want to move on. I am stuck in a nightmare of my own making.
I know this has been a bit of a rant. I’m hoping it will help (me and others). But at the moment, I’m at a loss.
Firstly, let me give you a bit of background. I have always been afraid of death (an intense fear). I’ve always been a hypochondriac. I have often experienced depersonalisation and derealisation, often in relation to the “death” issue. I am not religious, and so cannot find any solace in prayer.
I have a very low opinion of myself, I have no self-confidence and am struggling with my job / finances at the moment.
You can read about my “exposure” on my posting history. I have tested for HIV out to 22 months. All negative – but with very real ongoing symptoms since the exposure. Some can be attributed to stress / anxiety. Others cannot. Too much of a coincidence, I often think.
I struggle to accept my negative results. I look for every reason as to why I shouldn’t believe them. In the process I have convinced myself that I must have CVID (lack of antibodies) causing the frequent colds, “thrush”; I have then convinced myself that I am one of the serosilent who never develop antibodies. This leads to further depersonalisation. Fear. Anxiety.
My fears with this started with me being afraid of herpes. Then syphilis. Then HIV.
If you play the numbers game, I should be statistically in the clear – but what if I’m “the one” who is unlucky that the tests missed. I don’t trust my body.
And as with anything when one is incredibly worried, everywhere I look all I see are things related to HIV – articles, numbers, letters. A shudder instantly goes through my spine. It seems too much of a coincidence – almost like destiny.
I spend hours a day looking at all the HIV forums on the internet – looking for someone in a similar situation. Looking to convince myself one way or the other. Occasionally, I go through a few months of normality before the fear sets in again. The consequences are too dangerous to just “let it go”.
Of course, I was unfaithful. I told my girlfriend. But when I look in to her eyes I can’t forgive myself. I don’t want to hurt her. I hate uncertainty.
I long to go back to my childhood (or even just a few years ago). When things were simple. When life was good. I don’t want to be here. Thinking about HIV, odds, statistics and symptoms. I want to move on. I am stuck in a nightmare of my own making.
I know this has been a bit of a rant. I’m hoping it will help (me and others). But at the moment, I’m at a loss.
So, what's been happening with me? Well, the swab for thrush came back negative, as my GP expected. However, my dentist is referring me to an oral medicine expert to make sure. The guy I'm going to is apparently one of the best in the world (he has more letters after his name than I've had hot dinners!)
For a while, I've been doing okay. I have had a few weeks where the thoughts of having this virus haven't been ruling my mind (although they've been there at the back somewhere).
But suddenly things have hit a bad patch again. I had a few bad dreams last night (I must sound like a kid!) that left me feeling quite fragile when I woke this morning. So I automatically went on to the internet to some of the HIV forums to seek assurances (or to feed my fears?). Unfortunately, the first post I read is about a guy who has only ever had a positive viral load test, never a positive antibody test. Great.
The feeling of living a nightmare, being trapped in a show, has come back. I haven't had a chance to talk to anyone recently (when my boss went away, things got too busy for me to make an appointment with the health advisor) and now I don't have time.
My gf says that the key is forgiving myself. But I can't. I need assurances that people (and science?) don't seem to be able to give me. And when they do, I take them on board for around a week before I convince myself that just because they have said something, it doesn't change my situation or how I perceive it. Bizarrely, I keep thinking that getting alternative tests (not based on antibodies) will help, yet no doubt that if they returned negative (not that I can get them where I am anyway) then I still wouldn't believe them.
Today, I've been calculating odds like crazy – working out what the chances of different scenarios, the chances that I may not have this, the chances that she doesn't have it, the chances that the tests are correct etc. I like to try and look at the numbers to help me put things into perspective. I even try to visualise them (for example, imagining a packed football stadium full of people), but again, logic does not help.
I'm not sure if I'm posting this in the right place. I'm not sure what I expect. So apologies, and apologies for the ramblings. Maybe I'm hoping that writing will help. Anyway, take care.
For a while, I've been doing okay. I have had a few weeks where the thoughts of having this virus haven't been ruling my mind (although they've been there at the back somewhere).
But suddenly things have hit a bad patch again. I had a few bad dreams last night (I must sound like a kid!) that left me feeling quite fragile when I woke this morning. So I automatically went on to the internet to some of the HIV forums to seek assurances (or to feed my fears?). Unfortunately, the first post I read is about a guy who has only ever had a positive viral load test, never a positive antibody test. Great.
The feeling of living a nightmare, being trapped in a show, has come back. I haven't had a chance to talk to anyone recently (when my boss went away, things got too busy for me to make an appointment with the health advisor) and now I don't have time.
My gf says that the key is forgiving myself. But I can't. I need assurances that people (and science?) don't seem to be able to give me. And when they do, I take them on board for around a week before I convince myself that just because they have said something, it doesn't change my situation or how I perceive it. Bizarrely, I keep thinking that getting alternative tests (not based on antibodies) will help, yet no doubt that if they returned negative (not that I can get them where I am anyway) then I still wouldn't believe them.
Today, I've been calculating odds like crazy – working out what the chances of different scenarios, the chances that I may not have this, the chances that she doesn't have it, the chances that the tests are correct etc. I like to try and look at the numbers to help me put things into perspective. I even try to visualise them (for example, imagining a packed football stadium full of people), but again, logic does not help.
I'm not sure if I'm posting this in the right place. I'm not sure what I expect. So apologies, and apologies for the ramblings. Maybe I'm hoping that writing will help. Anyway, take care.
Not a problem at all...I applaud you for going to seek help with this. I totally understand what you are going through even though my anxiety was not related to the fear of HIV. The problem with symptoms is it can be from a million different causes...I wish you good luck and with patience and work you will be just fine! Just keep us posted.
Many thanks for your responses.
CJ - I haven't spoken to a therapist yet. It has been offered to me by the health advisors at the clinic I attended, so I am just waiting for my boss to go on holiday so I can take the time to see one! I think it is definitely the way to go. I know some of my problems are in my head, so for that it would benefit. However, on the flip side of things, I have physical symptoms that are not in my head. It's therefore a case of trying to convince myself that HIV isn't the cause. As soon as I get some clarity of thought, I can relax somewhat, but I've read so much about testing and this disease that I know too much for my mind to rest fully. If it's not the fear of what it actually could be, it's the fear of what could have been. I seem to jump between the two. I will definitely read through other comments and questions to see how other people are dealing with similar issues, and no doubt come back with further questions. Thank you.
Hockey Shark / dmcard - Indeed heterosexually acquired HIV outside of specific groups, and from a one night stand, is fairly unusual. And in the UK at least, 80% of infections are acquired abroad (Africa). The rest are mostly from drug users and other high risk partners. My "exposure" was with a girl from the Czech Republic, who actually have a lower rate of infection than the UK, but I'm pretty sure the risk groups follow the same pattern. I think my problems come from a number of things, such as fear of infecting a partner, my fear of death, hypochondria and other self esteem / anxiety issues. The combination of all of these has just blown me sideways.
I think this has moved beyond simple "guilt". It has been wth me so long now that it has almost made the disease a "reality".
dmcard - Although I am out of the intense testing period, I pretty much tried every avenue. I went to Freedom Health as well as couple of different GUM clinics in London and my GP. I have calculated odds until I am blue in the face. So, let's look on the plus side - what are the odds of BOTH of us being infected?!
Many thanks to you all again.
CJ - I haven't spoken to a therapist yet. It has been offered to me by the health advisors at the clinic I attended, so I am just waiting for my boss to go on holiday so I can take the time to see one! I think it is definitely the way to go. I know some of my problems are in my head, so for that it would benefit. However, on the flip side of things, I have physical symptoms that are not in my head. It's therefore a case of trying to convince myself that HIV isn't the cause. As soon as I get some clarity of thought, I can relax somewhat, but I've read so much about testing and this disease that I know too much for my mind to rest fully. If it's not the fear of what it actually could be, it's the fear of what could have been. I seem to jump between the two. I will definitely read through other comments and questions to see how other people are dealing with similar issues, and no doubt come back with further questions. Thank you.
Hockey Shark / dmcard - Indeed heterosexually acquired HIV outside of specific groups, and from a one night stand, is fairly unusual. And in the UK at least, 80% of infections are acquired abroad (Africa). The rest are mostly from drug users and other high risk partners. My "exposure" was with a girl from the Czech Republic, who actually have a lower rate of infection than the UK, but I'm pretty sure the risk groups follow the same pattern. I think my problems come from a number of things, such as fear of infecting a partner, my fear of death, hypochondria and other self esteem / anxiety issues. The combination of all of these has just blown me sideways.
I think this has moved beyond simple "guilt". It has been wth me so long now that it has almost made the disease a "reality".
dmcard - Although I am out of the intense testing period, I pretty much tried every avenue. I went to Freedom Health as well as couple of different GUM clinics in London and my GP. I have calculated odds until I am blue in the face. So, let's look on the plus side - what are the odds of BOTH of us being infected?!
Many thanks to you all again.
Hi iamnotalegendatall,
Your post sums up exactly what I am going through.
I cheated on my partner of 20 years one night in 2006 and still suffering the consequences now.
I have had 4 rapid tests at 12,14,15 and 18 months after sleeping with a woman I did not know well.
For some reason I always doubt the result to. It's a case of not having anti bodies or the tests were mixed up with someone else which is wrong for me to doubt the excellent service provided by the terrence higgins trust or the private doctor I went to.
I go through a cycle of seeking reassurance from my GP calling a hiv help line to question the anti body tests I have had. If I feel unwell I just fear the worst. Looking at the internet for symptoms is the worst thing to do.
My GP has told me that getting hiv from one off hetrosexual sex is ritually non existent in the UK plus the odds on 4 tests all giving false negatives would just not happen.
I am now in my forties and unsure about the future, I have been stuck with this for a year dispite being on anti depressants and therapy. It is proving hard to shake off and I don't know what to do next as nothing is working. It does help reading posts like yours and sharing your experience. Hope things work out for you.
Your post sums up exactly what I am going through.
I cheated on my partner of 20 years one night in 2006 and still suffering the consequences now.
I have had 4 rapid tests at 12,14,15 and 18 months after sleeping with a woman I did not know well.
For some reason I always doubt the result to. It's a case of not having anti bodies or the tests were mixed up with someone else which is wrong for me to doubt the excellent service provided by the terrence higgins trust or the private doctor I went to.
I go through a cycle of seeking reassurance from my GP calling a hiv help line to question the anti body tests I have had. If I feel unwell I just fear the worst. Looking at the internet for symptoms is the worst thing to do.
My GP has told me that getting hiv from one off hetrosexual sex is ritually non existent in the UK plus the odds on 4 tests all giving false negatives would just not happen.
I am now in my forties and unsure about the future, I have been stuck with this for a year dispite being on anti depressants and therapy. It is proving hard to shake off and I don't know what to do next as nothing is working. It does help reading posts like yours and sharing your experience. Hope things work out for you.
Unless you have had unprocted homosexual sex, or are shooting IV drugs, your odds of contrating HIV are pretty much non existant.
I went through ths back in the 80's when little was known about HIV and AIDS. It used to take 2-3 weks to get test results back. I worked myself into what seemed to be a nervous breakdown while waiting for the results.
I went through ths back in the 80's when little was known about HIV and AIDS. It used to take 2-3 weks to get test results back. I worked myself into what seemed to be a nervous breakdown while waiting for the results.
I am sorry that you are struggling through this. No matter what you are worried about, health anxiety can definitely take its toll on our sanity. There are many people here in this community that deal with this form of anxiety. First off, let me ask if you have gone to see a therapist to talk this through? I often find with these situations getting to the root of why you are so nervous about this is the best way to confront it. Too often, we seek a quick fix in our culture and we miss out in finding the true cause of our issues. But there is so much hope with this; you say you long to be the way you used to be. In my opinion, these experiences often transform us into something much better..just keep on working at it ask as many questions as you like!
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