HIV anxiety

[ScaredSick32]

Hi everyone, thanks for taking time time to read my post.
Nine months ago I had a sexual encounter with a girl I met at a bar. I didn't realize until after that she was just finishing her period. The sex lasted about an hour and a half and I didn't ejaculate. I used a condom but it had broken at some point and neither of us had realized as we had been drinking. When I pulled out from inside here I notice the broken condom and my penis was covered in blood. I asked her several times if she had any std's including HIV and she said no. The very next day I experienced severe burning sensation in my scrotum and penis (it still persists to this day). Since then I have experience every symptom under the sun related to HIV. They in mixed sore throat, mild fever (lasting 1 day), muscle and joint pain, cold, diarrhea, nausea, mild night sweats ...etc. I have tested numerous times for gonorrhoea chlamydia syphilis hepatitis and HIV all returning negative results. The last test being 14 weeks after the sexual encounter. Both my doctor and members for the HIV prevention board on this site had stated that I have nothing to worry about and I don t have HIV however even after their reassurance I am unable to get over the fact that I may have it. I am in a relationship with an amazing woman and have been for 9 years. I'm unable to have sex with her because of the fear of passing something on to her. Since the whole ordeal began we have had sex 3 times (all protected). Could anxiety be causing all my symptoms or could it be that the doctor was wrong. Please help, I look forward to your response in helping me get through this matter as its consuming my life.
Thanks

[ann066]

Man your story is just similar to mine...and i advice you to learn from my experience.
before 10 years i had a sexual encounter with a foreign girl i met also at a bar.
and had similar experience with the condom :S. after 3 months of reading about HIV and symptoms and constant worries and monitoring my body temp. and fear and panic attacks i broke down and went to ER and started on antidepressants and xanax.
I wish i didn't think that way that time as this lead me to depression disease ONLY !!
since that time iam still taking anti anxiety meds i don't have any kind of worries now but my body can't handle stress anymore as i believe something changed in my mind (my assumption is some brain cells died) am not like before anymore.
my advice to you is stop worrying and live your life and you didn't catch anything  before you are in another problem which is persistent like mine.

[RubyWitch]

Just keep reading Nursegirls advice and follow what she recommends. It's the only way, apparently, that you are going to get over this incredibly irrational fear you have. And it IS irrational.
I don't know what all your other symptoms may indicate, besides a manifestation of anxiety, but perhaps an extremely thorough physical by your doctor can pinpoint something organic, which I doubt. Let's just hope it will ease your mind that it has nothing to do with HIV. Please make sure you tell your doctor of your fear so he can address your symptoms in that context.
You need to get into therapy and the sooner the better. I understand and admire you not wanting to make your partner ill in any way, but I trust you realize what an incredible woman you have who has been willing to put up with this for so many years. Personally, I would have been on the bus quite a few years ago.
Whatever "it" is..........it's broken. Fix it.
Also know that it is scientifically and medically accepted throughout the entire world by experts in all areas of study relating to HIV that a negative result at 12 weeks is 100% conclusive. What more do you need?

[ScaredSick32]

Before this whole ordeal began we had a good sex life now it's non existent. I'm deeply regretful for having  made such a terrible decision and potentially hurting the person who means more to me than anything in this world.

[ScaredSick32]

No, we have had sex 3 times in the past 9 months,  I'm too afraid to get close to her. The doctor and the members of the HIV prevention board all stated that a  3 month test is conclusive but I can't seem to shake the thought of it out of my head. I'm scared that 3 months isn't conclusive due to the symptoms that I have been experiencing.

[RubyWitch]

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This is a response from Nursegirl to another person having difficulty dealing with their HIV anxiety. It's a great piece of writing and you should read it many times and heed the advice.




I'm sure you've read through our HIV Prevention forum a good bit.  I'd say probably close to 80-90% of the questions we get in the forum are fueled soley by anxiety.  Very rarely do people have an ACTUAL HIV risk.  WHY?  Because there's only TWO ways an adult can even be exposed, and that is through unprotected vaginal or anal sex...or by sharing HIV drugs.  That's IT!

That doesn't keep people from relating every sensation, continuing to post on the forum...more and more convinced every day that they are infected.  Even the people we tell over and over they didn't have a risk to begin with.

The clear reason HIV anxiety is so common is because the general population who aren't educated about HIV (or who have had the standard fear-based education so common is schools) have VERY overinflated views about the ease of transmission, and what constitutes a risk.  They will also search the internet like mad...until their anxiety is through the roof.

Kirstie has some great suggestions for you...I agree that most likely, a lot of your anxiety is fueled by guilt.  That's another common aspect of HIV anxiety.  Guilt over an indiscretion.  

The bottom line is...regardless of what the trigger is for the anxiety...anxiety is anxiety, and if it's out of control and consuming your life, you must seek professional help to address it.  It doesn't matter if your anxiety is related to a real life stress, whether you are new to panic attacks, or whether you have social anxiety...or like in your case, anxiety over HIV...anxiety left untreated sometimes only gets worse.

Reach out to your doc, ask for a referral to a psychiatrist, who can get the ball rolling.  You MUST stop searching the internet.  There is a lot of inaccurate and scary info out there..not to mention, pretty much any terms you put in a google search is going to yield some scary results, whether it be HIV, or meningitis, or a stroke.  You see?  So, you MUST have self control if you want to start moving past this.  If you're going to spend time online, start learning about anxiety, and different things you can do to cope with it.  Redirect your energy to anxiety, rather than HIV.  With HIV, you're just needlessly chasing your tail.

Anxiety is manageable, with time, patience, and some help.  You have to help yourself too, though.  VERY important!

[RubyWitch]

Are you saying you've been in your current relationship for 9 YEARS and in all that time, you've only had sex three times because of your HIV anxiety?

Run, do NOT walk, to the closest psychiatrist you can find. Whatever your issues are, they are way out of the scope of this forum.
Greenlydia