HIV phobia + anxiety

Hi all, today is my 37days since my exposures and since then I have been living in nightmares.
I am single, 24 y/o, went to Batam, Indonesia and had sex with CSW there 2 times.
All are protected, except fingering... and my finger was very very wet.
2 days later, I heard that 10% of CSW there were infected with this HIV.

I am not afraid to die with this disease, but I am afraid to hurt my family especially my parents.

Since day 3, I have been counting, crying alone, imagining about "what if".
Everytime I go to restroom, I always look at my tounge (for oral thrust) and my body on the mirror (for rashes).

I have been living in Singapore, alone, no family here, no friends, nobody to talk too.

At my workplace, I surfed internet 80% most of the time. I am glad I am still not getting fired until today.
I really have a doubt how condom can protect me from virus.

When the time passed by, I already had these tests:

Day 14: I had Abbott determine rapid test neg(-)
Day 23: I had Abbott determine rapid test neg(-) + PCR DNA undetected
Day 31: I had Abbott determine rapid test neg(-)

I don't know how good is this rapid test before 3 months.

Then, Day 33 I had a flu symptom for 2 days... and this really scared me.
I am 24y/o male and I am crying almost everyday. Everyday I had difficulty breathing thinking of HIV.

I do not know who can help me in this country. Seems all people here are money oriented, and I am just a "foreigner" in this country who steal their job. They will discriminate me.....

Thank you all who are listening, I really hope you can give me feedback or support so I can move on with my life...
Please give me a honest opinion so worst come to worst I can prepare myself to live with HIV.

Andy

[cj29]

I am not really an expert in HIV prevention, but I know there is a forum for that, and I have read some of the posts there and you said it was protected intercourse, right?  If so, then the odds are EXTREMELY in your favor that you are fine if they are HIV positive which they probably are not.  Now as far as the anxiety you suffer from guilt and health anxiety, this forum is extremely helpful.  Any form of health anxiety can really be very frustrating and debilitating if not confronted, which you have started to do, by posting here.  Have you seen a counselor about this and visited the HIV Prevention Forum here?

[remorse]

Hi cj! Thanks for responding...
I have read almost all the archives in medhelp about HIV prevention. In fact I also posted my problem in HIV prevention forum. All said I will be fine, no need to test, chance is zero, etc. I also posted in medhelp, healing well until they got bored saying my chance is zero zero and zero. I talked to 2 counselors in HIV test on-site. One said, Chance is there that I get HIV, but low since I use condom. The other one said, chance is ZERO since I used condom and no need further testing. At the end there is still no conclusive answer.

This HIV sound is just like roulette. Sometimes my mind said I will be OK, but most of the time my mind said I will get HIV.
I am sure I use the protection correctly, but who knows I will still get infected since viruses are just tooo small.
For your information, this is not my first time with CSW, I had experience 6x with CSW when I was 19, 20, and 21. That time I was nervous too, but still under control. Can still wait until 3 months and test.

Now is really like a torture, I don't know how to face responsibilities to my parents. I am fail to be their dream son. They took care of me since I was a kid for nothing! I feel like 50/50 that I will get infected!

[something]

fiest of all, there are more horrible ilnesses in the world, HIV is not so scary anymore, so relax, Cancer, Rabies, Or any Encyphalytis is more scary and You do not have so many days to live as u have with HIV. If You feel guilty, next time have a sex with someone You really love. Good luck

[nursegirl6572]

If you used the condom properly, and it did not break (which you would know without a shadow of a doubt)...you were protected.  In other words....you are worried about having a 50/50 chance?  Your chance is 0%.  Not a risk at all.

Since you already started testing...if it will help you...test at 3 months for a conclusive result.

In the meantime...you need to address your anxiety.. I know when your mind starts "what iff-ing"..it's very frigghtening...you imagine all kinds of awful things...and imagine you really HAD a risk, when I think reading the answers on the HIV Forums...you can agree you know (deep down) you really didn't.

Start addressing your anxiety soon, so this doesn't become worse for you. STOP searching the internet...you will find ANY HIV-related scenario that matches your situation/symtpoms.  That is just going to fuel your anxiety.

I would take a blood transfusion from you TODAY if it makes you feel any better.  You had "protected" sex.  Protected means exactly that.

And congrats, btw...for BEING safe.  That's great.

Try to put this behind you and look at it as a few good times....what you did has NO bearing on WHO you are, your character, nothing.  Your parents will continue to love and be proud of you...as nothing about YOU has changed...not from your acts....and certainly not b/c you have HIV....b/c you don't.

[remorse]

Thanks all for your posts, somewhat it makes me feel better.
Today is my 38 days, I woke up in the morning and the first came up on my mind was HIV.

I read from doctor's forum and some internet websites. They only put the odds of the protection by 90%. I also read 1 out of 400 condoms will fail on water leak test.

I am afraid of HIV because of the culture in my country. It is consider as the most shameful disease. Once you have it, people will consider you as a gay, drug user, buyer of sex, etc. I really do wish I live in western country where people there are so caring, not like here.

I am waiting till next week to have my 6 weeks test. I hope it will show up negative. Please pray for me...

[remorse]

Sorry to bump this thread again.
At week 7 I had another test again, and it is negative.
But still, everyday I cannot concentrate at work and always surfing internet.

I wonder how face to face therapy can help me pass this anxiety. Are they really helpful? I never had any experience talk to therapist before.

Thanks!

[hopeless872]

You do not have HIV. You are fine.