HOCD, please help

Hey everyone, hopefully I find some relief. Some information about me:

-28 years old, straight man..
-I've had 3 not "too" gay experiences (younger) that I USED to shrug off and not care about my whole life (no self-consciousness, no paranoia)
-I've always identified as being heterosexual, and dont find men sexually attractive at all
-I've being doing cocaine for the past 2 years, and when I smoke weed I get anxiety attacks about this sh*t

I believe my HOCD is because of the coke use, those experiences I've had never bothered me before because I've always been into girls (lots of them actually). BUT the last 6 months I've been plagued with the fear of turning gay, or "realizing" I'm gay.

-I've told a therapist about my thoughts and he said that it's not too uncommon for straight men to have had gay experiences and not too worry about it too much
-I still worry, and I hate having these thoughts.
-Now I'm worried about how I'm being perceived, and this really really *****. My REALITY is that I like women, but I can't seem to accept it.

Any input?

[Soggymoggy]

Wow, it sounds like the inside of your head is a bit of a mess!  Can I ask one question though, and I don't mean this in an aggressive or challenging way - why do you fear being gay? The fact that you've never been preoccupied about your own gay experiences until recently suggests that you're not homophobic - is it possible that the possibility of being gay has nothing to do with it, and what you're actually scared of is a change in your self-identity?

To be honest, the above may not be remotely helpful - I'm just intrigued that your reaction to the possibility (however remote) of being gay is fear.

What I intended to say was that both cocaine AND weed are associated with paranoia, and I can attest to that first-hand having spent a few months with a boyfriend many years ago who was heavily into both and - although he hid it well most of the time - was in fact a seething mass of irrational fears. I left him when his paranoid conviction that all black people were out to get him surfaced quite unpleasantly; that may sound callous, but I was protecting myself and I had no interest in watching him sink further into self-inflicted paranoia - particularly since he had no interest in stopping the drugs and helping himself.

It may be just the way you've phrased it, but from your description it sounds like you're still using weed and possibly the coke too. I know they're addictive and it may be difficult, but you really do need to stop using them; even if it turns out they're NOT the cause of your HOCD (and they probably are), they'll be doing no good at all to your heart and lungs. Otherwise all I can suggest is finding something to keep you occupied; I know it sounds trite, but if you're mind's elsewhere it'll be more difficult to focus on this one thing in such an unhealthy way.

Best of luck with it.

[hocdvictim]

Actually, fear of turning gay and change of self-identity are pretty much one in the same thing. In this case, HOCD sufferers are straight people who uncontrollably keep having nagging compulsive thoughts of turning/being gay. In other words, they are frightened of transforming into someone they're not and don't want to be. Feeling a loss of self-identity in this world is one of the most horrible feelings to have and it has driven many, including myself, to the brink of suicide.

On a side note, I often see a lot people telling an HOCD sufferer that "there's nothing wrong with being gay" but that's the wrong thing to do. It's not going to help their situation for that will only make their condition flare up even more. In fact, a lot of HOCD sufferers aren't even homophobic to begin with. What's important is that we help sufferers slowly regain their identities while eradicating their fears, doubts, and anxieties associated with the disorder as much as possible.

And yes, it's important to lay off the coke and weed.