HOCD? somethin else?? ( cant afford an actual therapist)

[ihatethiscrap]

back one more time.. was doin well for a while. got a girlfriend now which is goin... alright i guess... but recently just smoked weed and everything went wrong. ive heard "weed reveals you to your true self" and after i smoked.. i startin thinkin my whole life has been me tryin to be someone im not, and thinkin that i either have social anxiety disorder, or am just gay, or something else is wrong..

reasons for bein gay:
-have an extremely hard time getting and keeping erections with girls
-always had one friend out of a group that i liked more, or that i always tried to impress
-always sort of try n copy other people and have a hard time being myself (which im having a hard time even knowing who myself is)
-have had a couple of gay dreams before.. but woke up confused
- ex girlfriend thought i was gay
-gay thoughts arent as repelling, if even repelling at all anymore
-brother is gay

reasons for being straight:
-always thought girls looked good.
-always looked straight/lesbian porn
-used to get erections grinding and kissing girls
-always thought i was straight until recently
-never looked at gay porn (except for when the thoughts started i checked it but turned it off before it finished loading.)
-had plenty of dreams about girls

reasons for hocd:
-routinely checking and posting on sites like this
-never had a sexual experience with a guy
-
reasons i think its just social anxiety:
-always nervous around groups of people
-paranoid that other people are talking about me
-paranoid that others think im gay
-only comfortable around a select few
-hate spending long amounts of time with groups of people
-never confide in others
-very self conscious
- always have that voice in my head judging myself

after i smoked i actually thought about telling all my friends that i was gay.. but held off. i just couldnt get it off my mind.. i couldnt even pay attention to what poeple were trying to talk to me about because i was so deep in thought about myself. and also i thought i heard some people talking about me and asking each other if they thought i was gay and they were like idk maybe hes just really self conscious n ****.

also thought i could be bipolar, hypochondriac, possibly schizophrenic, personality disorder, or PTSD because of my father dying when i was 12 and mom n brother always fighting. my brother also is struggling with himself, but alot worse than me.


please if your a therapist or doctor contact me on here.. im broke and cant afford to see an actual therapist..

[ollie062]

I'm in literally exactly the same boat as you mate same age same problems everything!!!! How did this end for u????

[RubyWitch]

What are the signs that you are gay? Are you really gay or are your thoughts about other men just a fantasy? Unfortunately, the answer to these questions aren't simple. It's important to ask yourself if you are both sexually and emotionally attracted to other men since being gay is more than just physical. There is an emotional connection that sets being gay apart from being gay curious or merely having same-sex fantasies. It's not unusual for guys to have sexual fantasies about other guys while they are exploring their sexuality. These thoughts are not concrete indicators that you are gay.

Stereotypes
Despite common stereotypes, there is also no particular gay look or type of mannerism that reads gay. Gay people are extremely diverse. Some are more masculine than others. Some are more effeminate. Try no to fall into the trap of using stereotypes as an indicator of your sexuality.


How gay are you?
Also, sexuality is extremely fluid, meaning not all people are 100% gay or 100% straight (see Kinsey Scale). Where do your feelings fall on the scale? You may be either gay, bisexual or simply curious.

How to find out if you're gay
The best way to determine if you are gay is to explore your sexuality. Experiment with your attractions. How does it feel when you are with a man as opposed to a woman? Are you attracted to both on a sexual and emotional level or just one? Exploring your sexuality is a personal journey. You don't have to announce your exploration to others unless you are ready to

Coming in, then coming out
The proces of exploring your sexuality both emotionally and physically is called coming in. However, once you have determined if you are gay men often start the process of coming out to family and friends.


If you were my son, who, btw, IS gay, I would say "stop beating your head against the wall. Stop feeling like you have to "choose" an orientation because it's NOT a choice. You are what you are and you've been that way since conception. Whichever "way" you are is the right way. Discovering, exploring and accepting your sexuality can be confusing and even frightening. It can also be a great, wonderful, life changing experience. You just have to be open and ready to embrace and love the person waiting inside you.
Being gay is, sadly, not easy for many just acknowledging and accepting their orientation. Parents, relatives and life long friends may turn their backs on you. It can be a terribly lonely time until you find a "community" in which you are accepted for who you are. When you find that acceptance you will bloom and grow into the life you were meant to live. If your family does not accept and support you, which is a risk you will face, then you must find "family" within your community. You must be ready to accept the pain of being rejected by those you have loved all your life. But to be happy in life and with ourselves, then we absolutely MUST be true to ourselves at just about any cost.

This is getting deeper than kaka, so short version...........just relax, stop driving yourself insane with all these questions and doubts and fears and inner debates that are obviously getting you nowhere. I don't know how old you are, I'm guessing pretty young, so just cool your jets about the whole damn issue. Go out with your friends..........male, female, animal, vegetable or mineral. Go out and have fun as a group..........go dancing. Dance with whomever you bloody well feel like dancing with. If people talk, let them. Who freaking cares? Don't sit around and ponder who you have more fun with, your men friends or your girl friends. Don't be trying to figure out exactly what it means if you find "Tom" really hot in those jeans or "Sarah" has a great rack, just let the feelings wash over you, enjoy them. You are creating so much angst for yourself, you may never figure it out if you don't get off your own back, get out of your own head, just lay this burden down for now and enjoy life. You will eventually figure out who you are, we all do. You just gotta stop that storm raging in your head and let your heart go where it wants.
I just want to give you a huge hug and tell you the truth which is that this is all gonna turn out the way it's suppose to. So step back, relax and let life happen to you.
Peace
Greenlydia  

[DenaRenee78]

Go online and see if in your area you have a group called "Celebrate Recovery" or "Free Indeed" it reminds me of group therapy and its totally free .. and has helped me a ton! I don't know how I would survive through all this anxiety without them! They are all over the USA and other countries as well.
It's worth checking out!!!