Help Identifying Anxiety Disorder?

[Karl_DF]

Hello,

I'm trying to identify the name of a type of anxiety I'm currently going through, and trying to find solutions for it.

I grew up moving from one country to another because of my father's profession ("global nomad"), and five years ago suffered from my parents' divorce and the cut-off of financial support from my dad. Through my teenage years, I went through many humiliations at the hands of relatives, teachers, and other "guidance" figures who treated me in an orphan-like manner (as I lived with my grandparents). Now, during my early twenties, although on the surface I have mostly managed to keep things together in a calm and sophisticated manner (since social acceptance is of paramount importance to global nomads, and a source of stability), inside I go through extremely strong emotional attachments to different people - grandmother, friends, etc. and constantly fear abandonment or loss (although I try to not let it show... it comes out in times of transition and crisis though, like when someone is dying or now that I just graduated college and am afraid to leave my friends and continue with my life elsewhere).

During college, by the way, I was diagnosed by a psychiatrist with "ADD" for distractability and lack of good organzational and decision-making skills (I get panicky when making big life decisions, and "freeze"), although some of the obsessions I sometimes go through seem the same as "OCD" to me (I've obsessed for months at a time about having possibly contracted HIV and go to get repeatedly tested). I also had bulimia during my college years, which I got over by myself (and had a year of subsequent panic attacks).

This last year, since I graduated (in the US), I have been unable to go back to Sao Paulo where my mother lives with her family, because of the emotional/psychological attachment I have formed with my campus and the friends I've had there. As of yet, I have been unable to find a good job to fill in the time between now and graduate school, and I have been taking Prozac which has helped alleviate some of the obsessive thoughts (like the fear of committing suicide and several other extreme phobias, like the fear of choking).

But many of the phobias still persist. The fear of going home (even though I have been sick and exhausted, and everyone I know tells me it would be good to rest at my mother's for a few weeks) when I remember all the hard things I went through there as a teenager, the fear of the airport and the plane (when I remember the hysterics I went through in other major times of transition at airports before), of certain city streets I remember from back home (when I remember myself wandering alone in them or afraid), etc. I get scared of being "trapped" back in Sao Paulo and my mother's house and not being able to get on with my life, but I also fear the same thing of Boston (where I'm currently at), of being stuck here forever (and alone). I'm always fearful of being trapped, of someday ending up incarcerated in a mental hospital or jail, etc. I've gotten fearful of other silly things (which sound absurd) - blue-collar people, dreary middle-class people (which I guess is a fear of being around people with whom I feel emotionally disconnected), not being around my rich friends (or being rich myself), etc. I react strongly to bright colors, light, sound, music, etc. and can be comforted or troubled by the intensity or kind of any of these (posh nightclubs with lots of bright colors put me at ease... so do certain movies and music... the grey steely sky outside can unnerve me... or hanging out with my emotionally disconnected sister and her cold boyfriend...)

Especially, in regards to the latter (the fear of being trapped and the reaction to colors), what is all this? The psychiatrist - who I can scarcely afford to see - doesn't have many insights, except that he doesn't think I'm psychotic (only neurotic)... And I am self-aware, so I think that's a start to recovery... But so far the panic and emotions beats my common sense and what I know is "real" every time I'm going through major stress (like during this time of transition from college to the next step). I've been trying to make myself go home for a few weeks and rest, yet my silly fears have taken over, and I can't get on the plane. I'm stuck in this false "safety zone" of rich friends and good college memories even though it's over and time to move on... (And I shouldn't have to be in a bubble to feel all right...)

Thanks for taking the time to listen and help with opinions and potential advice on what I can read or do to cope better with the matter... :)

[Karl_DF]

Thanks Carrie! Your insights and shared experiences are appreciated. Yes, panic attacks are awful - and not to be wished on anybody. I'm glad I got over them, because it really did feel like a heart attack mixed with a seizure every time.

Now it's just the whole phobia thing - coming and going on planes, dealing with separation anxiety, etc. It's not easy when your original source of protection - your family - failed (and additionally, when you move around a lot, you cling more onto family with so much sense of loss... and when your family fails you, you replace them with friends...)

The ideal thing of course is to be able to stand on one's own feet and not rely heavily on anyone, but that's not something that happens overnight...

[Concernedcarrie]

Wow!  You sound just like me.  We have similar feelings and problems.  I was adopted at 3 months.  I never knew my birth parents, nor did I care.  My parents now are wonderful and I have a large close family.  I have friends and a great boyfriend.  I too have seperation anxiety.  I realized this in my childhood, but just realized it has stuck with me.  If I know my mother is out of town, I feel ridiculous.  I could actually cry about my insecure feeling.  When my boyfriend is away, even for a day, I don't feel content.  I get over it, but I know it can be extreme at times.  

I too suffered from Bulimia.  I remember the battle that I went through.  Physically and mentally I hurt.  I cured myself because it seemed like no one believed me when I asked for help.  One time I called a support line and they said I needed hospitalization.  Click.  I don't remember how it started or when.  I just remember how I will do everything in my power to never repeat what I did.  I think I had full blown bulimia for almost 2 years.  I do admit I have done it periodically since.  I too encountered panic attacks.  Some so bad I thought I did need hospitalizaion.  Luckily I am blessed and was strong enough to get through.  (I researched anxiety+bulimia and found many links)
Your blood sugar has a lot to do with anxiety/panic attacks as a bulimic.  I hope you stay strong.  You're not alone.  (I never really opened up to anyone about my issues)

I had my first panic attack making a speech in my anthropology class.  I was bulimic then, but didn't encounter the ongoing anxiety. From that point on, I experienced the scariest feelings ever.   I would never wish an anxiety attack upon anyone.  I had a harder time in different situations.  Now that I'm not bulimic, I see that I am more prone to the attacks.  This is called situational anxiety I think.  I can't think straight and freeze up too.  These times can lead to panic attacks.  I creat phobias in my head.  For instance, I'm planning a trip to Cancun.  Since the planning, I keep thinking terrible things about the plane ride.  I keep thinking that I may have a panic attack and make a fool of myself.  Usually I try to remove myself from a social setting and get rid (meditation, medication, food, whatever works).  If I'm trapped on a plane, what the heck am I going to do.  Now, I can't stop thinking of being trapped in small places.  Don't worry, your not the only one.  It WILL get easier!

What has helped me...

I got my life in order.  I don't smoke, I rarely drink (hangovers cause anxiety attacks for me), I exercize regularly, I stay hydrated, and try to eat a well balanced diet.  You have to learn what sets them off.  No stimulants like caffine or nicotine.  Some days I can handle them, other days I can't.  Watch you processed flour and sugar intake.  When your blood sugar is too high or too low, this can stimlate anxiety.  Education and research the hell out of it.  Don't believe everything that you read, but know your facts.  Know how to calm yourself down and how to treat them.  Accept the fact that you have this problem.  I hated myself,felt sorry for myself, felt trapped, etc.  Cry about it.  My psychologist told me that it is good to cry when you are having anxiety.  Also, see a professional.  Maybe meds could help you get it under control and then you can stop. I used the off-brand of zanax only when I experienced a full blown anxiety attack.  It may help.  I chose not to use it anymore because I do not like drugs.

Sorry for going on and on.  I just want to help you because I have gone through it.  I'm here for you if you need anything.  Just ask.  I was so depressed for a while because of this.  Now, I am so content and happy.  I've learned my triggers, taken unneccessary stress out, changed jobs, etc.  I couldn't be happier.  I couldn't tell you the last time I've had full blown anxiety.  Let me know if you need anything!

[Karl_DF]

Thanks for the insights man, I will ask him...

[jdtm]

Makes sense - Prozac is SSRI and is used for anxiety disorders.  OCD is an anxiety disorder.  By the way, I know of several children who have been mis-diagnosed with ADD and/or ADHD when in fact, the correct diagnosis should have been an anxiety disorder.  Severe anxiety will mimic behaviours of ADD and ADHD.  I wonder if the dose of Prozac is correct or if the medication is correct.  Some of the newer SSRI's tend to give better results - you might want to discuss this with your psychiatrist.

[Karl_DF]

I'm currently taking Prozac, 20mg a day, which I've been taking for the past two months...

[jdtm]

My mother worries about various people and events and safety issues.  She suffers from panic attacks and does not like to be around people.  She was diagnosed with GAD - Generalized Anxiety Disorder.  Are you on any medication?