Help!!!

[AmorDeJay]

Hey everyone.  I am such a mess. I just want to feel better...I want to be healthy and energetic and have no anxiety and live my life like a normal person.  I don't know what to do anymore.  I just feel like crying.  I know that it's my fear of death that is behind everything I am going through. I guess I should start from the beginning for those of you that don't know my story/issues.  I've had anxiety all my life, always health related anxiety and that it what is behind it all to this day.  I am a 30-yr old female.  My father passed away from a heart attack when I was 18 years old (believed to be from cocaine overdose but arteries were mostly clogged to begin with).  I guess that's when my anxiety got worse.  I was on Paxil for years and I didn't think it was working anymore but looking back, it definitely did.  Even on the Paxil and later on both Paxil and BuSpar, I was still going to the ER thinking I was having heart attacks on a monthly basis.  I also take medicine for cholesterol and high blood pressure. Last August, I had my yearly physical and decided with my general practictioner to change my medications and take me off of the Paxil and BuSpar and put me on Lexapro.  I weaned off of Paxil from about August to October when I started on the Lexapro.  The first month was ok and by November, I was feeling very sick all the time...headaches, feverish, confusion, just sick all the time.  I missed days from work and everything. Went to the hospital twice because I was sure I had a brain tumor or something because of the headaches.  Had two CT scans, went to a neurologist and all.  Everything was fine.  Finally, realized that maybe it was the Lexapro not agreeing with me.  I went to my mother's psychiatrist who is an awesome doctor, very good with medication.  He switched me from the Lexapro to Effexor XR (CR...something R) which didn't agree with me either, the symptoms started all over again.  Then I went through a heart palpitation stage for a few weeks, went to the cardiologist, etc.  The psychiatrist then decided before putting me back on Paxil (which is what I had requested) I try Cymbalta together with Klonopin.  So the end of January I began that.  The past month or two, I had been doing SO MUCH BETTER.  I even had to have a lymph node biopsy of an enlarged lymph node which freaked me out, of course, but I dealt with it without freaking too much.  Now, it's all starting again.  The past week or two, the headaches are back, the brain fog, the confusion, the lightheadedness and nauseau sometimes.  A man that worked at the store on my corner also passed away from a stroke last Sunday. He was 41 years old.  This has affected me a great deal and I'm sure made my anxiety worse but the symptoms came back prior to his passing.  Today I have a headache in the back of my head, just as he did, and so I'm scared that I'm having a stroke.  Yesterday, I went to the doctor because my BP the day before was like 150/100 and that scared the s*** out of me.  My BP is high at times but never that high.  So they increased my blood pressure meds.  I am now on the following daily: Cymbalta 30 mg, Toprol XL 25 mg in the AM and 25 mg in the PM, Lipitor for my cholesterol and Klonopin as needed.  I am supposed to take .25 mg in the morning and .5 at night but I don't always take it.  Anyway, I have a call in to my psychiatrist because I don't know if it's the meds again or what.  The Lexapro I was ok on for a month or so and then it started and now the Cymbalta, could it be the same thing?  I never had these problems with the Paxil.  I am just so scared for every thing that is wrong with me.  I am missing days from work and am going to lose my job if I don't stop. I went through all of this for like a month straight back in December and I am so upset that this is happening again.  Imagine feeling sick, headache, palpitations, shaky, confused, every day.  Back in December and January, I had bloodwork, CT Scans like I said, neuro.  I don't know what to do.  Right now, I have a headache in the back of my head and the guy from the store had a headache in the back of his head and he died of a stroke.  I feel like crying right now. I can't run to the ER every time I have a headache or a heart palpitation.  

[suzi-q]

The first thing that you have to do is to truly believe that there is nothing physically wrong with you. I also went to all types of doctors (physician, allergist, ENT, hemotologist, gynocologist,opthamologist and 2 neurologists).  I had every test imaginable.  (CAT scans (swore I had a brain tumor) MRIs, EEG (brainwave scan), lots of bloodwork, EKG...) before I would give in.  That has to be the FIRST STEP and then you take it from there.  Admit that it is anxiety (you have had many tests already), and now educate yourself about it.  Ask questions on this site, everyone is so helpful. And then decide if you want to get therapy, if you want to take meds, or read books and do programs on your own.  It is up to you...you need to be proactive...but remember, start with the FIRST STEP!

[carbaholic]

I can sympathize with you!  My first bout of anxiety/panic started in 1998 and I finally went on Paxil in  2000.  It work great for two years however the side effects for the first month for me where bad.  Everything increased!  About 2 years ago I began with some of the same symptoms again AND again I went to the ER because I thought I was going to die or that I had some disease.  I have been on Lexapro for a while (2 x within last 2 years I went off thinking I was better and low and behold - back on)  This time I am going to stay on the Lexapro for at least one year.  I also take Xanax XR 1/2 mg.  This makes a huge difference for me.

I know I will have to deal with this most of my life but that is ok because things at this point are "under control".  I still have occasional bouts with it but they don't last as long.

Just remember you are NOT alone.  May people suffer from the exact same things are we do.  Everyone reacts different to meds also so sometimes trial is needs.

Keep up the good work and may God bless you!
Carbaholic

[MMomma]

I feel for you, I really do, I went through al kinds of crazyness when all my anxiety started, I was 17, (18 now) and i it hit me, like a brick, i was changing my sons diaper when all of a sudden i couldn't breath,my throat was closing, the whole nine yards, thatswhen the hell start,for 6 months i had every test under the sun done and nothing ever came back, i tried so many differnet meds, nothing  seemed to work i either lost 20 pounds in a week or was in the hospital haveing a bad reaction. everyday was a struggle to get up, i lost my job over it and everything. it took 8 months of laying around praying to god that i would wake up. I finally started  telling myself that  i would not letb it control me, so i started taking control over it, i now work part time and drive everyday. I know write now it feels like theres no hope, but there is. i take xanxa 4x a day and it helps, don't get me wrong i still have my episodes every day but it does not run my life anymore..I'm here if u wanna talk,,ur in my prayers...

[AmorDeJay]

Thanks Suzi. I hate this feeling. I'm so scared of what could be wrong with me.

[suzi-q]

I remember when I went off my paxil many moons ago for a month or so.  My symptoms and freak outs started all over again and I remember being so scared and saying "No, not again!"...however, I went right back on my paxil and a few days later I was much better.  I feel that if "it ain't broke,  don't fix it".  My paxil is my miracle drug..did it complete rid me of my massive anxiety???  absolutely NOT, I wish I could say yes....but it has improved me by 90%.  I take paxil and buspar daily and klonopin as needed.  I have no desire to go off my meds unless, of course, I had to for other reasons.  

Please be brave and know that you will beat this again.  You did once.  You can get your life back.  I know that i will never be anxiety free, but knowing that I am so much better I can live with the rest of it.  Best to you.  YOU CAN DO IT!