How to make the best out of my insanity?

My life ***** and always has. Anxiety, misery and doom every day. My family did this to me and all they do is make it worse. Psychologists wont do anything and, since thier profession is a complete SHAM, I will stop trying to make them. No money or friends to distract myself, so my brain just runs on full power 24/7 about NOTHING.

I've tried to kill myself several times, but nothing has changed. Can't try that again because I have an anxiety attack when i think about the last time I tried. That's put on hold until somebody hands me a gun, someday..

Anyways, without all the recycled, cliche BS, anybody got an idea? I smashed everything in my yard with a shovel and that was FUN, so maybe being insane isnt that bad if you know how to use it?

Whatever. I'm bored.

[Chrissy1972]

Gumby

I am sorry for your anxiety & misery but you must remember that anxiety feeds on negativity. You need to create some happiness in your life. Have you tried any meds? They might help,. They have been a godsend to me.

Best wishes to you, you deserve a happier tomorrow!

[gumbygumby]

Thanks, but I've tried pills. On one right now and I can't even tell. How as a pill going to fix my life? I was on a pill since I was 7 years old for this but it was for OCD WHICH I DIDNT HAVE.

Lots of side affects from it like ADDICTION and type 2 diabetes.

Good thing doctors are allowed to torture children and get away with it, right? I might've been able to sue otherwise.

I was positive my whole life, but now I'm too smart to fall for that anymore, I guess. At this point, being positive would be nothing but a delusion.

This whole world is wrong. I want nothing to do with it, but i can't escape unless a play the game and kiss ***** for a couple decades.

I dont belong here.

[gumbygumby]

If there isnt another human on this stupid rock that wants to make me happy, what do i have to be happy about??

[gumbygumby]

Last time I got locked up for trying to kill myself, they said they were going to set up an appointment for me with a new psychiatrist. Never heard from them and it's been over a month. Havent called them until today because i didnt want them to come and lock me up again.

Did call, they dont know anything. Can't even tell me if they TRIED to get me an appointment because it's saturday? This is complete ******** even when you dont take into the fact that the lady that works there changed my diapers and baby sat me when SHE was a child.

They offered to help me by sending a member of thier secret police to see if I was fit enough to have freedom. If not, they were going to lock me up and watch me go insane for a day, then they would let me out until the next time they lock me up. I politely declined the offer and then politely told her to go rot in a ditch.

Here is an exerpt from my brain "killme kill me killmekillme i wish i had a grenade kill me kill me kill me!"

but, of course, i wont say this out loud, because why would I want to damage somebody's beautiful day with my desperate cries for rescue? That would be rude..

I'd trade my skin for a front row seat to the apocalypse.

[gumbygumby]

An all to familiar scenario for me. I'm sad and lonely so i try to have some kind of contact, only to make myself more upset when nothing happens.

[mama23babies]

I think we all know  how lonely anxiety can be. I sure do. I freak out and panic when I am alone and I am a 26 year old mother of 3. You can imagine how useless I feel to my children at times. I have taken alot from them and my husband because of my anxiety but I try to stay positive as I know this can't last forever. I know it sounds stupid but your thoughts really do feed your anxiety. When I am thinking negative all the time my anxiety is way worse. I have good days and bad days though. Try to hold on to the good days and don't dwell on the bad. It is hard to get out of this rut as I have found out but we can't give up. This will eventually pass.

[mama23babies]

By the way just because we have anxiety don't mean we are insane. If we were insane we wouldn't realize that. I have heard that before and take comfort in that we're not going crazy. It will get better. You just have to be willing to help yourself as hard as that is somedays.Just hold on.

[gumbygumby]

I'm always alone. Having family just means you dont know what I'm going through. You know how lonely anxiety is, but do you know how anxious REAL loneliness makes somebody?

I know my bad thoughts feed my anxiety, but what else is there to think about? I told you I have nothing to distract me but suffering.

I hope I'm insane, because if I'm not, we all deserve to be shot into the sun NOW.

[mama23babies]

I'm so sorry your are totally alone. Do you have ANY family that understands what you are going through that can help you? What about friends? I don't know if you are housebound or can go out. I can't go out unless my husband is with me. Maybe you can try exercising, getting a job if you don't have one, read a book,watch TV something anything to distract you a little. I KNOW how HARD that can be when all you have is negative anxiety provoking thoughts but we HAVE to try or we only provoke and prolong this MISERY.

I actually went to a social function with my family today and it felt GREAT!!! When I push myself to do something that causes anxiety I feel so proud of myself. I just can't force myself to be left alone but on Monday I will have to all week. My husband is going hunting and I am tired of keeping him from things he likes so I am going to try not to go
too crazy!!!lol

Trust me I have had the suicial thoughts. I even got so bad that I worried what if I go crazy and harm myself and my children. I know rationally I would NEVER do that. My kids are my life and I feel so guilty for having those thoughts and not being able to always be the happy fun loving mother that I should and miss being. The pain,hurt,anxiety,anger,sadeness,depression etc. etc. etc that we hold in is very painful and self destructive to our emotional well being. Even though I have a wonderful supportive family I  hold alot in and don't talk about it. It helps to get it out but I don't like to burden them anymore than I have to.

I'm sure that you are experiencing ALOT of anxiety right now but it will pass. Tomorrow is a new day. Try to wake  up thinking positive thoughts. Tell yourself it's just anixety it will pass it will not hurt you or make you go insane. It will get better. We can't all suffer like this forever. I hope this passes for you soon. I go through bad spells for a few days at a time then have a few good days. That is the wave of anxiety I guess. The bad days I feel like I want to die. I get tired of dealing with this too but how fair would it be to the people that care about us to give up. I heard a comment before that suicide is a permenant solution to a temporary problem. It will get better. We just have to find what works for us and for me I'm still trying too.

[nursegirl6572]

Mama is right....you are not "insane".  Insanity is characterized by the presence of psychosis, amongst other things.

I'm going to be brutally honest with you here.  Please know that I want to see you get better...but I'm not going to sugar coat what I have to say either.

First, obviously it goes without saying that if you are truly suicidal, you need to seek emergency help right away.  I'm sure you don't like the idea of being 302'd again, but sometimes these things are for the best...to protect us until we can protect ourselves.

Honestly, with all due respect, I'm hearing a lot of the "blame game".  That's not to say due to your past that you don't have a right to perhaps be jaded, or bitter about things that have happened to you, but also there comes a time where you have to work thru that and realize that despite what others have done to you...your destiny is YOUR responsibility.  It sounds like therapy is an absolute necesseity...if you haven't had great luck in that dept, perhaps you need to seek out a new therapist....finding the right "fit" is so important.

Also, again....back to the personal responsibility aspect....your issue with the MD office not following up or having your info....while that may stink...it is essentially YOUR job to follow up and pursure whatever recommendations you were given.

So, in a nutshell, I know you're in a dark place and for that, I'm sorry...but I think it's time to sh** or get off the pot, if you know what I mean....take the bull by the horns and make a committment to yourself to do whatever it takes to seek some peace in your life.  You most certainly deserve it...we all do!!!

Best of luck to you...I hope you have better days ahead, please let us know how you are fairing, okay?  Life is too short to live it so unahappily...and remember that no matter how dark your days are...suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

[gumbygumby]

Family that understands? The only thing that changed since I've tried to kill myself is that, this year, I'm not allowed to go to any Thanksgivings.

Blame game? Thats the exact rationalization my family uses to avoid feeling responsible for what they did to me.

What destiny is there for somebody who didnt even start living until he was a grown man?? I'm 20 years behind on EVERYTHING. Without intervention from other people, or extreme luck, I dont have anything to look forward to. I've tried work and college but i cant do it. CAN NOT. Every single problem I have is strategically placed to make work or school hell. It was when I was little and I feel the exact same when i go now. That means its a real problem and I'm not just lazy like everybody said..

Unless I fall into my perfect niche somehow, I'm ******.

I was doing what the medical office told me to do. They said to wait for a phonecall with that will tell me my appointment.

I've tried these things people... I need something i can actually do.

**** or get off the pot? TELL THAT TO SOMEBODY WHO'S CONSTIPATED!

[gumbygumby]

Also, have YOU ever been in the mental lockup(or whatever they call it)?

Imagine wanting to kill yourself, and the people who are supposed to make you better only offer you the AMPLIFICATION of misery. Locking you in a doctors waiting room with bars on the windows and no exits. Being there feels like I'm getting DARED to kill myself. Which actually happened while i was there once. In a tiny COLD room without a bed, a drink, an adequate blanket or even anybody to signal or see through the window on the door. When somebody finally came, I said that i have to get somewhere else or at least not be made to do this alone or I think i will end up smashing my head on the wall. She said "then do it!" and i did and she said "YOURE DONE!" and shut the door. An hour or two and I fell asleep from exhaustion, or whatever it was they injected me with. Not a single word on what "YOURE DONE!" meant.

Now imagine a long-time family friend is the staring at you from behind a desk the whole time like youre just another animal in the place. Don't tell me she cares about them, I've heard her talk about her job. You want to know what people that work there call "diggers"? You dont.

Best meatloaf I"ve ever had, though.

[MayMayMeemers]

Yes, I have family. NO they don't care or try to help me. I havent heard from my mother in a month and havent seen or talked to anyone else and when i do they brush me off like i am a worthless piece of ****! I don't have friends, I only have my boyfriend that doesnt understand what is going on with me.
I snapped a few times, cut myself, tried to OD on meds, Smashed things got so worked up I was literally going insane!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I wasnt sleeping and i was a real wreck. I was almost locked up but i escaped that THANKFULLY!!!!

and LOL!!!!!!!!!!

meatloaf.

[nursegirl6572]

"I've tried these things people... I need something i can actually do. "

I agree completely.  I agree that you need to find something that is going to work for you.  You've obviously not had any success with the traditional route thus far...but that doesn't mean that it wouldn't work for you if you find the RIGHT doctor ofr the RIGHT therapist or the RIGHT med, etc.

Listen, I totally feel for you that you are so disgusted with the system.  I understand that you've been put in a bad place through no fault of your own.....I get all of that and I'm sorry.  I wish we had a magic wand that would make everything go away...in the very least where in these situations you could wave it and cause an instant amnesia...where you could forget all of the wrongs that have been done to you.  But, we know that isn't going to happen.

My whole premise is that at some point you just have to keep pushing and fighting and searching for something that is going to give you your life back.  The expression, (sorry if I don't get it exactly right).."that that won't kill us makes us stronger"...I know that for a lot of people that have withstood awful tragedy in their lives, that it is true.  I don't know how people do it, but they do...they reach deep inside themselves and find SOMETHING to hold onto....and they keep fighting until they get somewhere.  I am not saying by any means that this would be an EASY thing to do....he** no!  And, while I've been in bad places myself in the past due to anxiety and depression, I certainly couldn't put myself in your shoes.

The reality is...your past and the things you've went thru are out of your control.  What isn't out of control is how you choose to proceed from here.  You can continue to want to "give up", or stay angry and bitter and resentful...or you can bust your hump to find something that will help you to start putting the pieces back together.  It IS possible.  I'm sure it doesn't feel that way to you...but it is.  You hear remarkable stories of people who have suffered HUGE losses, endured unfathomable abuses, etc...and have come out on the other side....scarred, sure....but living their lives...some even happily.  One example that comes to mind is the boy who was made a prisoner in his own home...who suffered decades of inhuman acts at the hands of the very people that were supposed to love and protect him.  It was the most publisized story of child abuse, and the (now man) went on to write books, speak in public, etc...sharing his story.  He was mute when he was found, and completely unable to function.  The first book he wrote was called "The Lost Boy".  Definitely a remarkable story.

Now, of course...that is super extreme, and while no one can "compare" hardships and how each person copes...my point is...it is possible for you to get yourself to a better place...but the cold hard truth is....YOU have to make it happen.  If you have to go thru hundreds of therapists to find the right one...someone who will finally make a difference, then that's what you have to do.  But, you also have to try to have an open mind and be willing to accept treatment ideas and work at it, instead of just throwing in the towel if you feel it isn't working.  This is going to take time..like you said...you are 20 years behind where you should be...that isn't going to be easy to un-do.

My initial post wasn't to make you feel bad...and I wasn't implying you are "lazy"...I honestly didn't mean that and I'm sorry if it came accross that way..  I only meant that you are so disgusted and in such a negative mind set that it is holding you back.  I don't know what it is like to go thru what you have...but I can empathize with your situation and tell you that there are a lot of people that suffer as well.  EVERY one of those people deserve a shot at happiness and shouldn't stop fighting until they either get it...or they die at 99 trying.  

Hopefully a forum like this will be able to help you in some way...just knowing that you aren't alone should be a bit of comfort...not to mention it is nice to be able to vent.  You are very articulate with a great sense of humor.  I've only read your writing for a min or two and already I find you to be an interesting and likeable person.

Just keep talking....keep crying, yelling...whatever it takes....but please don't stop caring.  And I sincerely hope that soon you find someone or some WAY that will help you to start healing.

[gumbygumby]

If people in real life would be half as nice to me as you were, it would be easy.

[Chrissy1972]

Gumby

We are all real life on this site  gumby and suffering in some form as well. If you cant seek support from your family make sure you check in here often. This is a really great community for suport and info.
Make sure you do one nice thing for yourself today gumby, you deserve it

Hang in there :)

[Ysbel]

Hi there, I have social phobia and have had it for about a year and a half now. It happened when My ex tortured me infront of everybody and then his friends decided to join in with the torture because human beings that dont really suffer any reall pain inside dont ever understand anything your going through, thats why they end up treating you like **** untill the day the wheel decides to spin and they end up in the dumpster and dont know what the hell just hit them. anyway, thats just my wishfull thinking.  but you know what ive found to help alot, Is religion, Praying to God evry night and then handing over all your worries into his hands and taking your concentration to another place, like reading, tv etc. I believe that his helping me threw this, therefore the positive trust I feel for him makes me feel more positive about whats going to happen.

My ex might think he got me that low, but I made a promise to myself that those people who took pleasure in seeing me go psycho, is never going to have that pleasure again, including my ex. He is going to continue with his drug habbits and abuse, while im going to get over social anxiety and live my life the way I want to. Try to think something similar, all those family members who made you the way you are is not going to get away with it, you are a human being with everything they have, heart, soul, life and personality.  Now you just need to take action, this isnt easy, it takes a **** load of practise, but just like negative thoughts come so easy and feed on your soul, you have to replace those with positive ones, every time you think negative, immediatly replace it with positive. Then after a while it will be natural thought processes. Dont be afriad to challenge your anxiety. This is hard to do, but effective in the long run, if you avoid anything that makes you anxious you'll just end up being more anxious. Dont mind embarresing yourself.  the first 5 months of my new school wasnt pleasant, but it taught me how to act with other humans again, the trick is to take the attention of of yourself and pay attention to other people, the way they interact, look at each other and what they talk about.  this will teach you to speak normally and look at people correctly. I only started making proper friends after 6 months when I moved to another town, I still have anxiety, but after an hour with people all my nerves calm down.  And youll soon realise that not all people are as friendly as you, some are cruell and mean, but the nice ones will want to talk to you and dont be afraid to spice up conversation, even if what you have to say is stupid atleast your talking.  

Exsercise, eat healthy, stop smoking, stop drinking, avoid drugs and avoid negative poeple, like yourself.  Believe me, these things work. there will be Up days and then those days when things just dont work out and your back looking at the pistol, but just get through it and move on. When you decide to move on, your illness will have no choice but to move along, and if you fight it, it will give up at some point.  Another thing, if your face starts twitching, its okay, it will settle down after a while. If your body stiffens, its okay, it will loosen up the more you practise to move infront of people, but will take a very long time.  It isnt going to go away fast, so dont give up.  otherwise i dont know how to help.  If your not going to fight these demons they will consume you.
Its not nice being depressed and all, but knowing that your trying everything, not just pills, But EVERYTHING to get over it, makes it a lot better.  
This is just my advise, how I got over my self hate thoughts and sadness and suicidal tendencies, + very disabling social anxiety.  Everyone has a different way.

Goodluck.

[gumbygumby]

Stopped reading after you mentioned god.

[nursegirl6572]

Hey there.  I know that you probably think that the above post is all preachy, but please trust me, it's not,.  I personally am not a religious person,..but Ysbel has a lot of wonderful thoughts in her post...please read it over.  

I also agree with Chrissy, that until you can maybe find something out there that may help....check in here..this forum offers a great support system and I've found a great comfort solely in the fact that I know I'm not alone.  

Something that Ysbel touched on that is SOOO true...a thought to keep in mind...

LIVING WELL IS THE BEST REVENGE.

:0)

[gumbygumby]

Still at a complete loss as to how to not be miserable for the rest of my life. I see NOTHING but the same for the REST OF MY LIFE. I cant do this i need some real answers.

CAN SOMEBODY SAY SOMETHING I HAVENT READ A MILLION TIMES BEFORE?!?!?!

You're just reinforcing my beliefs that my life is already over.

;_;

[r9c]

This is because we all have to realised that..its only within ourself that we can recover..no matter wat help proffesion u went too..they will just open up the door..its up to you urself to enter or not..i do experienced so many difficult times and setbacks.yet i am detemined to try again...even as if it fails again..cause the only worst thing u can do is think all its over.

[Celistine]

Are you unaware that the only moment that really exists is the one you are living right now?  If you drag your past into your future, it's a personal choice.  If you don't seek a better tomorrow, that a personal choice a well.  The world owes you nothing.  Sorry to be so blunt.  Only you control what you do with the rest of your life.  It feels as though the forum has tried to be very supportive of you.  Please try not to dwell on why a thing can't be done and look for possiblities.

[gumbygumby]

You people beleiving all this stuff is like believing in santa claus.

I'm not freaking out because of the past, but the future. Is it that hard to believe that my future might actually be as bleak as I'm making it out to be because of the OVERWHELMING EVIDENCE? If i was on fire right now and begging for help would you tell me to just put on a smile and it will all get better on it's own?

I have NO CONTROL OVER MY LIFE. NONE. Get off your high horse and listen to what I'm saying. I asked for no cliche bs answers yet somehow I get told to pray and smile to fix my DISMAL existance.

I dont have anybody or anything!!!!! Internet and tv.

I can think of quite a few people on this earth that owe me a ******* lot, so I'm pretty damn pissed about you saying that.

Nobody owes me anything? I disagree. I am owed respect, kindness and a helping hand by everybody and so are you.

There is nothing more powerful for somebodys emotions than other people. Being in denial and preaching your crap is going to ensure a steady supply of emotional crippled, suicidal people in our future. Congratulations.

[drluggo]

Over the past day since you started this post, has your life been any better?

Have you smashed anything with a shovel or tried to kill yourself?  Maybe living this miserable life is the better alternative to being dead.

Can you build upon that...

[gumbygumby]

I want help because i know I'm going to end up killing myself someday and it scares me.

Nothing changes ever and everybody else is just going on with thier life oblivious to why I'm so ******* nuts. It's like I'm Bill Murray in groundhog's day.

I cant build jack squat.

[gumbygumby]

Been calling the psychology place now that its monday. Finally got a hold of somebody and THEY NEVER TRIED TO SET UP AN APPOINTMENT FOR ME.

Also, they arent going to because the last time I tried to kill myself was by crashing my car and, not on purpose, the parked car I hit turned out to be my psychologists.

no therapy for me. I just have to deal with it.

[drluggo]

I know that you don't want to hear the BS stuff and I by no means know what you are feeling because I have never been down your road.  I became interested in your thread and would like to try and help if I can.  I am not a psychiatrist and this is actually the first time I have ever posted on any sites like this.

But you said:

"I want help because i know I'm going to end up killing myself someday and it scares me"

There are two things that are positive about this statement.  First is the obvious that you want help.  Second is that you are scared of dying, which means that in some way somewhere in that ****** up head of yours you value your life and feel it is worth living.

You appear to have a decent sense of humor, you like movies, or at least Ground Hog Day.  Does anything make you laugh.

Is there anything you like doing, I mean really like, that while you are doing it nothing can drag you down.  Maybe if you can do that one thing and have a good hour or a full day where you don't want to kill yourself, sometimes that is all you need to get started.

That is what I meant by building on it.

Good luck, I'll be pulling for you.

[kalie1979]

Just wondering what happened to you in your past? For me I have lived with anixiety and depression and just can Never get happy! My childhood was So messed Up! I was beat till I would bleed, Watch as my mom would turned Purlple as she was choked! Nothing I could do! My real dad was a ***** because he never rescued me or my brother from the wrath of my stepdad, who is now in prison for killing a 16yr old girl! And when we would go to his house, just put it like this, I cannot have children because of him!! God blessed me with my adopted daughter that i got when "I was 18...not knowing then i was messed up for life!!!!. Thats just a sample of my life. Can you tell me what's got you so pissed off?

[gumbygumby]

I'm not into telling my life story. I have had this anxiety since i was little and everybody has always treated me like it was my fault. Nobody wants to be around me. Everybody I know can think of plenty more people they would rather be around.

My mom is a monster that can't think of anybody but herself. She's in jail now for dealing meth.

My dad is me in 30 years if I start doing drugs and never get any support for my problems.

My brother is a scumsucking ******* who tortured me since childhood and revelled in my anxiety from it. My parents didnt do anything because I was reacting too strongly to what he did, which meant it was because I was a bad person.

I have a rich grandpa who can't think of anything but his money. He's an alcoholic and addicted to gambling.

My grandma can only think of herself(thats where my mom got it)

My other grandpa was an abusive psycho who even shot my other grandma in the leg once. My dad likes the movie "The Big Lebowski" so we spread his ashes from a coffee can. Got some in my mouth.

My other grandma never respected me and thinks I'm strange. They talk about me behind my back and all think this. She is losing her mind, but will probably live forever. She DID survive getting shot and beaten every day, afterall.

There's nothing that I can do to make myself happy that is free.

I need help from others but feel miserable about asking. They all treat me like a jerk for asking for anything. It feels like when i was little and was too afraid to ask my parents for a toy or something.

I was made fun of in high school and I guess I complained too much, because they sent me to the crappy "drug-addict and pregnant girl" school. Because of that, I have lost all my friends and haven't learned NEARLY enough to prepare me for college.

Only thing I think i can do with my life that wont make me miserable is to be a writer. I want to be the kind of writer that gets hired into a group for TV shows, comic, magazine or something like that.That kind of job is impossible to get without college... Not to mention the fact that I live in CALIFORNIA. Kingdom of the delusional writer.

In my head, I'm a scientist, but that doesnt sound like a fun career anymore. I'll make up my own science in my stories..

Also, any positive personality traits you people may think i have, dont matter because I'm an ugly slob. Nobody will take the time to learn any of that stuff about me. Being ugly doesnt matter? Are there unicorns where you live?

[gumbygumby]

I was born almost dead and have had this same anxiety problem for literally as long as i can remember. It seems to me that my problem is due to whatever drugs my mom did when she was pregnant with me.

[gumbygumby]

I guess I'll never get a reply unless I bump this back to the top.

[gumbygumby]

Been trying so hard to get an appointment but the only advice i get is to wait longer or look through the phonebook. It would be so much easier if they would just tell me to **** off straight up instead of putting it in code..

Feeling extremely suicidal. Just clubbed myself in the head with something. Expected a headache but it actually feels pretty good. Thats wierd.

[gumbygumby]

yehehehehee!! :D Lucky day for me WOW. There was a check for 651$ in my mailbox. I've never had more than 200$ to my name at one time.. This kind of stuff doesnt happen to me.. If i find out one of you guys prayed for this to happen, I'm going to be pissed >:)

Some kind of student refund from college. I didnt even spend 100$ there, what's the deal? I'll take it though.

[gumbygumby]

Stay in school kids. At least until you get to college, then drop out and get free money.

[kalie1979]

I did pray for you last night:-) I just got home I will be back on in a hour or so....

congrats on the money......

[Chrissy1972]

Great news for you,  some good came your way YAY!  
Dont spend it all in one place!!!

[gumbygumby]

I bought a pumpkin cheesecake and a videogame. I plan on spending the next 3 months staring at the rest of the money and giggling.

Thank you for praying for my college's incompitence to skew in my favor :)

[butterfly84777]

I'm glad to see you in a better mood today and that some good news came your way :-) I have been following your post, and this is a much more positive side of you!!! I have read your comments before but never wanted to post because I didn't know what to say to you, and today I was truly happy to hear that something real cool came your way, and I just wanted to say hello to you today :-) :-)
Also just keep your head up, I know you don't want to talk about god so I don't know how you feel about karma but I totally believe you get what you deserve in life and everything that goes with that.. The people that hurt you will get what's coming to them. But you can chose your own path and choices even when sh!t $ucks.. Keep your head up, you always have a personality but today I just saw a differant side of you that made me want to talk you, :-) and I know things work like that in the real world to so try and be positive and keep that head up ;-)

[gumbygumby]

Thank you.

I guess I might as well give an update on my money adventures. I shouldve gone to vegas though >_< Big dream of mine and its only 90$ for a round trip ticket. Dang.

Gave 150$ towards debts. Lent 50$ to my dad's girlfriend, who took my to cash the check. Bought a little under 100$ of groceries. Being rich is awesome. Maybe dropping out of school can be a side job of mine? hahahaha.



Wierd story. In the video game store, my dad's girlfriend accused the person in front of us in line of molesting her son. Came out of nowhere. I nearly crapped my pants. The store clerk got pissed off at her. The alleged ********* looked at her shocked and angry for a second but then left quickly without a word. I could see him doing that because of her being right or wrong :/ Anyways, I thought I'd do her a solid so a yelled an obscene word at him right before the door shut behind him. I thought that was pretty funny of me. I'm such a jerk.

Just been playing my game and watching tv since I got home.

35$ on the video game. Its a lot better than i thought it would be. It's a sequel to the first online game I ever played, so it has a lot of nostalgia value.

[Chrissy1972]

Really Glad to see your spirits are up!!!!

[butterfly84777]

Me to!!! Keep us posted on your adventures :-)

[kalie1979]

Happy Thanks Giving Gumby:-) I hope you had a good day, I had to work...ugh.!! Just ckecking in to see how you are doing?

Kalie

[gumbygumby]

Update. I went to thanksgiving and my friend has been over a lot lately. He lives far away, but doesnt mind spending his money on gas when i can pay for the food and stuff. The money has been a huge load off my shoulders but still have more daily anxiety than i want. The video game i bought has been better than i possibly imagined. Today is my dad's birthday and we're going out to dinner. A bbq restaurant that gives free food when it's somebody's birthday. It's really expensive so nobody I know ever goes there when it's not a birthday.

Thanks for your support. I know I'll be back for some more eventually. Haha.

[gumbygumby]

My dad never showed up. :( I just wish that they wouldve called and told me that they changed thier plans.

[Chrissy1972]

Awww sorry to hear that. But glad you are doing better from when you 1st started this post.

[butterfly84777]

I agree with crissy!! You totally sound happier and in a better place these days :-) I am glad you are loving your game, and your friends company and what not... That's a bummer your dad never came, and pretty crappy of no one to cancel anything with you!! Oh well that's on them anyhow there the ones who look bad now or un organized your the one who showed up etc.. So you did everything you were suppossed to..  I don't remember if you said anything about this or not, but do you live alone??

[gumbygumby]

yeah, i live alone.

[gumbygumby]

I want to be a writer >_< How can somebody get a job for that without college? I think putting anything i write on the internet would totally ruin my chances at a real career. I wish i could just audition like an actor would..

[butterfly84777]

Have you tried sending any of your work to publishers

[gumbygumby]

Like a book? My stuff needs pictures and i CAN'T draw. At all.

I got scribbles to help me remember things, but nothing decent.

My works are paranormal "twilight zone" type short stories that always end up being science fiction because of how I cram logic and science into them.

Half the time i end up thinking to myself "well thats not even that crazy of an idea. It could work"

I like my stories, so that's proof of a fanbase right there, right?

[butterfly84777]

Totally!! Lol if your interested there are bound to be others right? And I know it sounds silly but it's so true, just believe in yourself!!! Do you know anybody who can do the artwork aspect or would want to team up? I know alot of artist go throught your same thought process of if I could just get my stuff out there then...... So idk maybe post around the colleges in your area or librarys or places like that just a little bit about what your trying to do and how you are trying to get reconized etc... Hey maybe you might even get a chance to bond with someone a little and start a friendship, and you guys could be into the same stuff and i know you mentioned you enjoyed having your other buddy around so that might be nice!!!! Also maybe call like local papers and magazines I know here in Colorado they do like spotlights on people or like short stories that people follow each week and I am guessing you would obviously profit from that weekly as well.. And since it's local you should be able to just go in there or call and find out details and try and sell yourself to one of there spots!! Sorry this was a rambling message :-)

[gumbygumby]

grrr I'm so angry right now. I dont have a car and since the day before yesterday, my dad's girlfriend has been planning to give me a ride to the grocery store. She put it off over and over. I call my dad calm and everything. I was just curious to know if he talked to her. He loses his mind and acts like im asking for a lot from her. Havent heard him yell like that since i was little.

I only asked for one ******* favor. ONE. The fact that i have to ask about that favor 4 more times doesnt mean i asked for 4 new favors. It's means THEY are the ones doing something wrong.

I lent them 100$ since i got my money, yet asking for a ride to the grocery store is a lot??

I'm nice and everybody ignores it. Well, maybe i can be mean and they will ignore it. Let's see how they like that..

[gumbygumby]

Ok, you guys know im into writing and stuff. I came up with a story i like today. It has no dialogue or anything, but i like the premise.

I like xmas because of the tv specials. This is my vision of the holiday episode of my stories.

Santa is real. He always was. He can do most of the stuff in the stories, except he cant make it to every house in the entire world. Since his legend has spread across the planet he has been working on being able to live up to the expectations we have for him. He finally has the means to deliver to the entire planet, so he does. No secrecy or anything, he just does what the stories about him say he is supposed to.

He starts delivering presents every month. Long story short, everybody knowing they will get presents if they arent naughty leads to world peace. A new santa based government for the entire planet.

In the story, santa is mysterious and secretive. This leads somebody to investigate blah blah blah etc.

The story ends when somebody finds out santas dirty little secret. His immortality and supernatural powers are from eating his elves. For the passed century or so he has been breeding and eating them non stop so that he would have the "santa power" to finally give presents to the whole world.

It could end abruptly on that creepy subject in sort of a lovecraftian way or i could wrap it up. Perhaps the world just goes back to how it is now except elf meat is a prized commodity?


I guess this post doesnt have much to do with anxiety. Getting involved in a story, whether it be a video game, a book, a tv show or something I'm making up myself, makes me completely lose my anxiety and depression. I dont enjoy writing if nobody is going to experience it but me. That just makes me frustrated. My goal is to use my talent to not only keep my anxiety away, but also get a career in it so that i will lose a lot of the reasons i have anxiety.

If you dont like my story, cry me a river >:(

[butterfly84777]

You should copy it and link it to the page for us to read.. I would read it!! :-) I never read anything about an elf eating Santa before...

[gumbygumby]

its not that complete. Gaps and whatnot. What do you think of what I've said so far, though? That's the entire thing in a nutshell.

[kmb22]

can i suggest listening to a band "the alkaline trio"   they have a bazillion albums, they are all good.  

i actually completely understand everything you said.

check out that band. they do to.

[gumbygumby]

What part of what i said do they understand?

[butterfly84777]

Well I think it's very well thought out and sounds very complex, which I love!! I really want to hear how you pull it all togeher and how you let the end out and how it all ties to together etc... I like the concept of how he is the real Santa he just can't make it to every house in one night, I think that brings logic to it, which grasp peoples attention and can relate to.. And how that leads to the whole peace idea and a whole new way of life brought on by Santa government!! Totally cool.. But wait, then comes the catch that he eats Elfa etc....

[butterfly84777]

Sorry I hit send, I am typing on my phone.. But yeah how he eats elfs.. I love that in other movies to how you get so into one story line concept and right when you start to process all of it, BAM!!!! Totally caught of guard and shocked that the roles are not what you thought!!! I mean I love Xmas always have but I also love twisted and distorted and something new that hasn't been done before and this totally I that...

[butterfly84777]

Yeah I totally don't share your gift of writing I can't think or type straight today!!! Sorry I reread what I wrote and doesn't really makes since :-/

[gumbygumby]

Don't like that he eats elves but it's not wierd that he has them as slaves? :P

He doesnt cook them or cut them up, he grabs them with his magical prehensile beard and drops them down his throat whole.

Santa was originally going to be a badguy for another character i made(hahahaha).

Also, the "naughty or nice" based government would completely work in a world where everybody is so superficial and self centered.

I'm trying to fit his present sack into the story more significantly than i have. So far it's just the basis for a joke, but his bag is supposed to be a wormhole to somewhere else. The joke is that technology as advanced as that, that he's had for centuries, couldve saved the world if he just told us how that worked a long time ago.



Wormholes are neat to me because the concept is very solid. I have a quick idea written down somewhere about a mad scientist who makes hotels like this. A wormhole opening that goes nowhere, basically making a cheap room that is larger than the entire universe. Once he has most of the world living inside these, he closes all the portals, locking them outside of the universe, in the one he controls completely.

He fulfilled his dream of conquering the universe, but now he has way too much responsibility. He wants the universe back to normal, but he's also kind of evil. He cant bring himself to just make things normal, and has to prove to himself that he's still an evil badass. His solution is to wormhole the entire old universe into his new one and, as an ultimate act of evil...he destroys the completely empty, nothing universe that's left over. Sounds evil, but technically nothing really happens, so thats funny to me.

Sorry, but i dont think I'm going to be able to complete any stories for you. Thats a lot of work. I have to let my ideas come naturally or they wont be good.

[butterfly84777]

Well I do think your way of thinking and writing is very interesting and headed in the right direction!!! I wish you and your succuss alot of luck :-)  I will keep my eye out for your work one day, so I can find out how you pull it all together!!!! Just remember to keep your head up even when things are not so good :-) I like you alot better like this!! But that's just me :-) you can always message me if you wanna chat..

[gumbygumby]

Thank you.

Succubus? What? O.0

[gumbygumby]

oh success. I couldve swore there was a "b" in there.

[gumbygumby]

today i went to an appointment for college and they told me that that 650$ check that sais refund all over it wasnt a refund. They say it was a financial aid check. A MONTH AFTER BEING DROPPED FROM THE CLASS?? THE ONLY WORD IN THE DESCRIPTION IS "refund".

To sum things up, i can never go to college again because i owe the college 650$ because of a mistake they made. They wont take responsibility and they are forcing it onto me.

INCOMPETENT MORONS

The lady who was supposed to help me with my financial aid started trying to psychoanalyze me because of how pissed i was getting. She actually said "I hope you get some mental help" as i was leaving. Not in a good way either, she said it like an evil ****. I told her boss, who agreed to reprimand her but wouldnt make her apologize to me.....

I have so much hatred inside me and it is all very well founded. It is my RIGHT to be furious about all the injustices i have to deal with. My emotional problems are the most logical reaction to all this ********, i wont be told there is anything wrong with me anymore!!!!

[gumbygumby]

also forgot to mention that the lady who was trying to psychanalyze me told me she has a masters degree in psychology. I laughed in her face and asked why she was a grunt in a community college instead of a master psychologist. She had already drove me nuts by then.

The only excuse she has to use that diploma is to WIPE HER ***.