How will this end?

[DarPas]

I am in my early thirties now and have had some of the worst luck throughout my life. But as of late I've not been sleeping very well at all due to restless leg syndrome waking me up every night. The doctor has given me neurotin to deal with it and sometimes it works but not all the time.

But, before I got on neurotin I couldn't sleep well for 3 weeks straight. I started having crazy thoughts which weren't abnormal for me but these were harder to fight and I was losing touch with what was real or fake and felt less and less like my surrounding felt familiar. Almost to a point where I felt like my wife couldn't even see me...

But what really got me was this. I found pleasure at the thought of torturing animals. So much so that I began to fantasize deeply about having a house away from public eyes just to carry out my many ideas of how I would torture the animals. The thought would feel better then sex. Even the idea of having sex with my significant other paled in comparison to the pleasure I derived from the idea of carrying it out. And I wanted to sooo badly.

As I said before crazy thoughts weren't abnormal for me. I've always had them but having a lack of sleep made it harder to fight them. I've since gotten more sleep with Neurotin but it's still not 100%. It makes me scared of myself. I've always had anxiety and bad nerves but this is hard because I can't just talk about it. Most problems people can vent to each other but this is different. Sometimes it makes me so afraid to be alone. Like the darkness inside me will have freer reign to get me to believe even more messed up stuff.

Anyway, there is more to tell, so much more, but this is a start.

[specialmom]

This post is a little hard to read.  But I appreciate your honesty with what is going on in side of you.  It's like a warning bell as you know it's probably not right but are still having these thoughts.  What are we supposed to do with warning bells?  Act on them.  Your mental health is in jeopardy here as it is not normal to want to hurt things, animals or humans.  A fixation on it and getting a high from it requires professional help.  A psychiatrist and a psychologist, both would help you.  And agree that if your thoughts start to become obsessions and you may act on it, please go to a hospital.  There is nothing to be ashamed of as mental health issues are not uncommon.  But we want to keep animals, people and YOU safe---  so please seek the appropriate help.  peace

[Paxiled]

A psychiatrist will be good if you want to discuss medication, but I'd suggest a psychologist for therapy to see where this thinking is coming from.  And if you ever feel like you're going to do it, time to go to the hospital ASAP.  Making someone or some other living thing suffer because of your pain won't make your pain better.

[AnxiousNoMore]

I find your post disturbing when you want to torture animals. It is illegal to do this for a reason.  I suggest you see a psychiatrist to see what he thinks.