I am very anxious. I am certain I contracted HIV.

[worriedman407]

Hello, I am very worried, anxious, depressed and scared. I'm a gay man. Almost 2 months ago, February 12th I stayed out late and to my own misfortune got very drunk and came home with a guy. I did use a condom with him however, at some point it came off and that is the bit I cannot remember. Ever since i suspected I may have contracted HIV. I never had symptoms for the first 6 weeks. I went to get a test, rapit test and ELISA test which both came back negative. Following the results I started to get symptoms, mild fever/flu like feelings, I had a flat rash or spots in my inner arm and the same on the other inner arm, slight dull ache in my left joint. Headache, I've been anxious and not sleeping. I am just so terrified I feel like my world is falling apart just when my life is meant to be at it's best. I know I Have all the symptoms it has now been 7 weeks and I will be getting tested on Monday. I know the guy was a stranger and he looked like the sort who sleeps around. It was a huge mistake and I never ever normally do this. However it will be one i Live to regret. I Need someone to talk to because im suffering through this alone and if i Have it no one can know. I just dont know what to do. I have all the symptoms I am certain I have it. Worst of all I could have gone for PEP when it happened but was uninformed due to being naive and stupid. I'd always been careful it never really was something i thought id research into. Till now. I feel i Have all the symptoms. Oh and I Have swollen lymph nodes. I feel almost as if everytime I research symptoms they happen. I havent had a temperature yet. The flu went after a week. Before these came on I had gone out a lot that week before and shared drink with someone who had a temperature or so they said. I also have a cough now and tingling in my lips. Oh dear. I just know I have it. So i am trying to prepare. I am a university student. How will I maintain my way of living, or change it? i need a lot of advice and someone to talk to. What will i do without my family or friends or anyone knowing to ensure I can live without obvious symptoms. HELP please.

[Claire_MHModerator]

Hi, folks,

Since this thread is old and the original participants are no longer taking part, we'll close it now.  If you'd like to ask a question or start a new thread, please click the "Post a Question" button near the top of this page.  Thanks!

Claire
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[johnrambo123]

Had one night stand a year ago bt last couple of weeks been having symptom i.e cold sore throat lost of weight i just worried nw and wot are th chances of sleeping with sum1 once and catching it advice please thanks

[paranoid526]

I tested negative at 6 weeks after recieving my results 2 weeks later I started getting lymph nodes in my neck now they are also in my groin area and possibly armpits should I retest. I'm really scared!!!

[a_halley]

but at the same time even when i do try not to think much about it..like at work for instance..then all of a sudden i get a bad joint ache and pain..i start to freak out again..

[a_halley]

i kno im trying not to think about it..but im feeling all ymptom..body ache pain...joint pain...diahrea on n off....only thing i havnt had a Fever..

[nursegirl6572]

You would be smart to learn from his experience, as you're going down the same road with your anxiety.

ALL that worry, for NOTHING.  If people woukld just listen, a LITTLE bit to what we're saying, they wouldn't go through such nonsense.  When we say to quit searching the web, we don't say it for kicks.  We KNOW it fuels the fire of health related anxiety.  Do people listen??  No...

The OP had himself dead and buried.  We told him time and again he hwad very little to worry about.

[worriedman407]

Hey sorry I only just saw your comments now. It turned out my test was negative after 6 months and had a full blood test and everything was normal. So i really do not know what it was. :/

[a_halley]

hmmm wonder what happen to that guy he never responded

[havinghivphobia2012]

So, you never did follow up! Were you negative?

I'm gay also and boy did I also have the scare of a lifetime. Truth is, I am too afraid to go get tested... But here's what my experience has been.

I was monogamous with a guy and so was he (so he says, even though I trust him, I have doubts if he's slept with anyone else or not, I don't know why, I guess it's just a horrible gut-feeling). But that lack of 100% knowledge that he didn't sleep with anyone else just killed me inside... I felt the exact same way you do... like life is over. Guess what mistake I made... reading symptoms on the internet. Well, truth is, there are a lot of symptoms... too many for me to remember them all... but what a coincidence... the symptoms I remembered were the ones I experienced... Point is, anxiety over a disease and reading the symptoms can cause you to think you are experiencing the symptoms... You're really not... you're just noticing body sounds more now, or putting way more thought into a boil than usual, or noticing things that have always been there and you just didn't realize it until now. Well what a coincidence! When I just put the symptoms out of my head to the point of forgetting them, I realized how many "symptoms" suddenly vanished... But please do share your final results! I would love to know! If negative, I will know that I can rest a little more eased, and that will incline me a little more to getting an HIV test, because honestly, there isn't a day that goes by where the thought of having it doesn't cross my mind... but I don't think I have it for certain, but it's the whole not knowing for 100% but yet being too afraid to get tested...

And I have a question for you nurse...
This guy that I had an affair with, I'm like 98% sure he doesn't have anything first off. He's clearly an amateur and still learning... But let's just assume for now that he did have it... He did not fully ejaculate into my anus... He may have had a little precum but that's it, and he did not actually go in... he just touched the surface of my anus with his penis (possibly with precum, but unsure)... How much at risk am I assuming he did have HIV?


The one thing I have learned from this, no matter how badly I want to have sex, I WILL NOT do it... I do not EVER want to go through this fear again... I've told myself everyday that I don't have it and just relax and take a deep breath... but I can't help it, the thought crosses my mind every single day... Yet I am too scared to know...

[nursegirl6572]

I will not discuss HIV with you any longer, it only fuels your anxiety.  Feel free to come back and report your negative in 2 weeks, but until then, I'll have no more comments about HIV.

You have pain in your "spleen" huh?  How would you know that?  Let me guess, from diagnosing yourself online?  No one can say what "spleen" pain feels like (it's an internal organ), and most likely, you are giving yourself a hell of a case of health anxiety.  Searching the internet, convincing yourself you have this disease, that condition.

I can tell you that drinking alcohol is literally the LAST thing you want to be doing right now.  Alcohol will intensify anxiety and depression 20 times over and then some.  Just don't do it, not until you get some professional help.

You are frantically searching the internet, self diagnosing, planning your funeral around a disease you've already been told is nearly impossible for you to have at this point.  You aren't even sure you even had an exposure.

What IS a huge concern for you, though, that you keep blowing off, is your anxiety, it is out of control, you are getting to the point where you are having irrational thoughts, phobia like thinking.  If you continue to ignore that, you will have debilitating anxiety and life as you know it will be gone.  Your fous is 100% on the wrong thing, and yet, we've told you that over and over, to no avail.  I would hate to see you in a few months back here saying you're scared to leave the house, and have quit school, etc.  That's the kind of things that will happen if you ignore anxiety.  We know, we've been there.

I will say this again, and then, I will bow out of this conversation....WE CANNOT HELP PEOPLE WHO REFUSE TO HELP THEMSELVES.  Get yourself help.  This is an anxiety forum, we've spent too much time discussing HIV with you already...so when you're ready to discuss anxiety and how to help yourself, we'll be here.  But, unless you are reporting your 3 month negative test, we cannot discuss HIV with you any longer, and the HIV forum has already gone above and beyond for you as well.

Anxiety.  That is your problem, nothing else.  And, again, stop the drinking now, it's going to put you straight into a nightmare.

[worriedman407]

Heyyy sorry for bothering you again, I have just 2 more weeks left. I just wanted to ask a question nurse?. Due to drinking, i do binge drink a lot being at uni and sometimes get little pains in my spleen as do a lot of students who go out on these student night binges. Right now my left side hurts which I think may be my spleen. I read that is in control of releasing white blood cells antibodies and such. Could that be why my Antibodies are not detected whilst I have symptoms at 8 weeks. By the way now I'm at week 10. The HIV DUO didnt detect HIV virus at week 7, i did 3rd generation at week 8. This is my 10th week and have 2 weeks left to go but I haven't tested out yet since Week 8. I want this to be over i really do. But i feel generally unwell, more because of my binge drink this weekend and hangover but also the joint aches come and go every now and then, muscle aches have been gone for a while. I think my lymphnodes are swollen but i dont know if they are. I mean what if I do have HIV but my spleen is damaged. I also need to stop my binge drinking and am aware of that and I have slowed down but i do feel these spleen pains sometimes or liver pain dont know what it is after a night out which happens to most students i asked but perhaps in everyone their spleen and liver are damaging but they dont need to worry because they dont have HIV and I do because i have it and my antibodies arent showing? I hope in 12 weeks it's all cleared up, i want to move on with my life. Believe me i do guys. These last 2 weeks since week 8 i soldiered through and now I have 2 more weeks. Its a shame because only 2 years ago i was a gym fitness freak, very healthy ate a healthy diet was a picture of health and have never been admitted to hospital and now I know it's going to happen soon.

[nursegirl6572]

You need to seek serious professional help, you are not thinking rationally.

For one, a black out episode is just that, a moment in time where you have no memory.  You could have just as easily had 100% protected sex and never had a risk...no memory works both ways.  You were smart to test, and now that you have, you should be relieved, not more worried.

You have a better chance of winning the lotto while being struck by lightning than you do having HIV.  The docs on the expert forum would say your 7 week test is basically conclusive.  We recommend testing to 3 months due to the official guidelines.

You need to get help, seriously.  All of this drama and irrational thinking, and it will be over NOTHING.  We can only reassure you so much, and we have bent over backwards doing so.  If we thought you had HIV, or were going to test +, we would tell you.  YOU need to help yourself, we can't do that.

Simply, and harshly put, man up, pull yourself together and get some help.  You are spinning out of control for literally NO reason.  You were sure your 7 week test was going to be pos, yet surpirse, we were right, and it wasn't.  We have a little more experience with this than you do, we know what we're taking about.

End the guilt and pity party and the thoughts that your life is over.  You made a mistake, we all do it, we're human.  The good thing is, you can learn from it.  You shold be counting your blessings right now that it looks pretty damn good that you DIDN'T get HIV, instead of ruminating about the "what if's".

We've pretty much done all we can, buddy.  The rest is on you.  How you proceed is on your shoulders.

[worriedman407]

She said young people are dying early and im going to be one of them, im doomed. I really am, i can see it all now.

[worriedman407]

I thought phoning the hotline would help but the woman made me feel even worse by shouting at me. Im so scared, she's right though. I can't sleep i dont know what to do. Im sick of not sleeping, i want my life back and i wish i hadn't done it. I was drunk and out of control which is my fault, I never expected all this to happen. Was unfortuneate. I am very scared and my life will never be the same. The whole night scares me, i can't think of it. If I get HIV i wont be able to live with myself, in this body. I just won't i know i sound psychotic but i am very terrified, alone in the house as well as I am back at University and just scared.

[worriedman407]

I really really really HATE myself right now. I wish it never happened, it was stupid of me and I was clean until then. Now i may have all sorts of infections. Its my own fault and such a joke. Im 19 and my life is over. I can't believe htis is happening to me, please pray for me that God gives me a second chance. I hope i live to tell it as a scare like a lot of people have on the internet. But i will be the one! I will be the one that tested negative at 7 weeks and was positive by 3 months, I have all the symptoms, im gay and had unprotected sex with THE WRONG PERSON!

[worriedman407]

I phoned the HIV hotline for help and the woman basically shouted at me and said why would you have sex with no condom drunk or sober. I feel really sh*t about myself. I know i shouldnt have the night keeps haunting me, I was so drunk and I hate myself more than anyone could over it. I won't be able to sleep. It was a stupid mistake. I feel my muscle aches, tingle in joints and I saw a black/purple ulcer or spot in my mouth for the second time in 2 months since it happened. It's HIV. I went home drunkenly with some guy who probably shagged someone before as he admittedly sleeps around. It was a black out episode, I should never have drunk that much. I hate myself for this and won't live through it. I already phoned the HIV hotline and the man was more lenient saying the tests are very accurate and should be reliable and to get tested again tomorrow. The woman made me scared when i phoned again. I know i have it and i can't live with what i've done. I feel like I killed someone. She is right i feel bad about myself.

[nursegirl6572]

I can't add anything to lydia's fantastic post.  We love to be able to help, however, we can only do so much, at some point you have to grab the bull by the horns and help yourself.

Like GL said, for now, your obsessive thinking has switched from HIV to Hep, what will it be next?  MS?  A heart condition?  Brain tumor?  Take it from people who know, without help, there WILL always be the next worry, the next obsession.

Sitting on the computer all day searching for symptoms is a lot like someone with a severe phobia of snakes throwing themselves into a snake pit day after day, wondering why they are so anxious?

You need professionals to help you learn how to face the snake pit with manageable levels of anxiety.  The answer is not us telling you over and over that you don't have HIV, or Hep (or disease du jour).  Sure, that gives you a momentary feeling of relief, but it will be short lived.  Then the anxiety comes flooding right back.  And it will, and sometimes it will get much worse.

Make the necessary change today...instead of googling symptoms, google the names of doctors who can help you.

[RubyWitch]

I DO NOT see you as an "annoyance, nor a bother," and I am really sorry if I have come across a bit harsh. I think both nursegirl and myself have been very patient with all your concerns.
I AM, however, feeling frustrated that you continue to "research" symptoms that have NOTHING to do with your original question which  concerned HIV. With some urging from NG and myself, you have gotten tested and can be, at this point, almost 100% sure your final 12 week test will be negative.
But now that the spectre of HIV is probably soon going to be behind you,  you've come up with numerous other conditions. Of all these new conditions, the only one that should be of major concern to you at this point is your extreme health anxiety, which absolutely needs to be addressed by a psychiatrist as soon as possible. The muscle aches and pains and headaches and tiredness and loss of appetite....et al, can ALL be attributed to STRESS. In a person with hypochondria, who is already super vigilant about every little muscles twitch, stress can and does create a boatload of often frightening symptoms. Have I ever experienced it? For many, many years my friend. More years than you've even been alive. What did I do about it? I saw my doctors. I saw my therapists. I tried various medications. I joined support groups.........didn't have computers back then, so these were real people sitting around a table talking. I read books, I exercised, I worked full time and I worked hard and I played hard. I got involved in life outside of myself. Am I "cured?" Am I fully "recovered?" NO, I'm not. I've taken meds for years and no doubt will continue to take them til the day I die. I still my therapist every few months for a bit of a tune up, but mostly we just talk about "stuff." It just makes me feel better, perhaps safer, to know there is someone who knows the entire story of my journey and what I've gone through to get to the place I am today. I'm a little like Humpty-Dumpty. I've been put back together as best the professionals can, but there will always be a few "cracks." I can live with that. Please don't think I have never walked in your shoes.
You have my very best wishes for hope, health and happiness.
Peace
Greenlydia
  

[worriedman407]

Right sorry to be of bother again, but just thinking after these continued symptoms. What if i contracted HCV at the same time which is why it is not detectable yet. I am only tested for Hepatis B which im Immune to but why am I not tested for A or C in the gum clinics. What if I contracted HCV pr what if due to my drinking they cannot detect HIV? Can a test overcome these other diseases. I just think its very dumb of gum clinics not to test for the diseases which affect HIV detection as then their tests completely fall through the window.

[worriedman407]

Thanks. I understand your annoyance, the test is negatvive at 7 weeks. But its just the muscle aches are abnormal. So i end up researching, their just so prominent and in my joints as well. Thats all. How do you ignore symptoms, did you ever experience it, what advice would you give.

[RubyWitch]

This site is here to offer support, advice and encouragement and I think nuresgirl and I have gone above and beyond in our attempts to help you help yourself.
But each time it seems we've gotten you calmed down and on track for what you need to do, you get back on the damn symptom sites and here we are again. Today it's herpes, palpitations, muscle aches and both your muscles AND now your mouth are tingling! And you ask yourself if maybe  it's just anxiety........(?)  (!)

Yes, by all means, STOP pondering all the symptoms and START pondering where you can find the SERIOUS psychological help you need!

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but we can only push a boulder uphill just so long.
I wish you the best and the peace you're seeking
Greenlydia

[worriedman407]

I'm seeing the doc tomorrow but im also thinking it could be anxiety because this whole month I have been very anxious. Palpitations everyday my body may have been in a shock and hence muscle aches and tingles. Never had it before. So unsure if it's that or Herpes. Anyway I will stop pondering. Symptoms just annoy me lol. I have lots of work to get done too

[worriedman407]

Haha true... but you know after last night. I started to attribute it to Herpes. Its the only thing that explains my tingling mouth, fingers, joints and muscle aches..... So did some research on Herpes and am slightly worried about having it. But ah well. Could be worse.

[RubyWitch]

Spend your time waiting for your POSITIVE results doing something POSITIVE for yourself...............search for a good therapist to help you deal with your health anxiety.

And contact one of the many national gay/lesbian associations and get yourself educated about HIV.


As for your last post.........you've simply got to STOP! Somehow, some way, you've GOT to get the hell out of your head and do something besides sit around and fret. Go volunteer somewhere. Get a second job. Spend as much time with friends as possible doing enjoyable stuff, not whining to them about your worries. Take a trip. Get a puppy. Join a gym.Just get off your butt..................