I desperately need help- please convince me Klonopin is safe

Question

I am at a point where I am having potentially life threatening health issues at the age of 29, and I am potentially going to doom myself if I cannot get the help I need soon. I started having panic attacks in June of 2000 after I quit smoking 2 packs a day cold turkey, and they have never gone away since. The only thing that ever improved them at one point in my life was heavy exercise routines, but they were still present with most situations.

I am extremely medicine phobic, I was able to take a xanax once in 2001 but I was scared of taking it again and never did. I've had several doctors try to put me on zoloft and welbutrin, but I would always fill the prescriptions then chicken out. I started seeing a secondary therapist this past spring / summer with the goal of doing behavior modification therapy, but after I began avoiding critically important health issues I was told that I needed to see their psychiatrist and plan on medication therapy instead. The therapist was very concerned I would hurt myself through avoidant behavior.

Their psychiatrist prescribed me Zoloft and Klonopin, and I picked up both with the intention to take them but I chickened out once again. After a month and a half of continuing to see the therapist and promising that I was going to take it soon, we had a falling out over a billing issue and she refused to see me again even after paying the bill.

Seven months have passed since the major health issues popped up, and I have had two specialists insist that I may be harboring cancer in my large intestine / bladder. I am now in pain daily, and I cannot figure out what to do. I am living a life right now of complete avoidance, and I am almost equally terrified of getting checked out as I am of death. The main reasons for this is the procedures which need to be done are invasive, and typically require me to be put out. I am terrified of being put out, although I have now found a specialist who will work on me while I'm awake *IF* I start taking Klonopin and double up on a dose before going in.

It has been two months since I saw that specialist, and I have yet to get myself to take the Klonopin. I am deathly afraid of side effects, specifically allergic reactions or the warning of "intense fear" that my lable discusses. I have seen some people say they had very bad reactions, other say that it ruined their memory, etc. I already take a low dose beta blocker for my heart which affects my memory (Inderal), so the last thing I need is another drug to mess it up even more. I cannot even desribe how terrifying taking this drug is for me. As the therapist told me in one of my final appointments, I'm my own worst enemy. Help is available, but I won't let myself get help.

I have a very very poor family structure, they are extremely uncaring and have watched me wither away for the past ten years. I am told I have PTSD from past abuse, being put out in the streets and having to be homeless when I was 16-18, etc. I am living on my own, but have been struggling since panic disorder makes it so damn hard to function in life.

Can someone please convince me that taking Klonopin is safe and that it will drastically improve my life? I have seen doctors conflict, some telling me that I cannot do Klonopin or Xanax for long term, with others saying the opposite. I have a doctor that will give me a 2x a day prescription of Klonopin if I start taking it. He is anti-anti-depressants because he feels that I suffer 10x more from panic attacks than I do from depression. The conflict in opinion really scares me, sometimes I feel like the anti-benzo doctors feel that it is better to not be medicated than to be reliant on benzos.

I need support and inspiration. I am getting so scared, last night I sat awake in pain wondering if I'm actually in the process of dying now from the potential cancer inside of me. I don't know what to do, I just need help believing that the Klonopin is safe to take.

If I take 1/2 of 1/2 of a .50mg pill (.125mg instead of .25), could it still give me some calming effects or would it not be as safe as taking .25? I am grasping at straws here trying to convince myself. It took me over 1 year to finally take the Inderal, and only because I had an ER staff and firefighters telling me I was going to give myself a heart attack / stroke if I didn't start taking a beta blocker for right bundle branch block in my heart + tachycardia.

Rudypatudy · Answer

I have been on 100s of ssri, ssnri, benzos,lithium you name it. The fact is, putting chemicals in your body is last resort. I can tell you the withdrawel is absolutely terrifying for benzos i even had a seizure after i couldnt afford a doc. How organic do you want your life to be? I find klonopin is absolutely amazing for anxiety but because of that i lose certain important inhabitions. Sometimes it even reminds me of the way i act on alcohol without feeling super drunk. You are not your fear and if you have the abilty to practice re-association from emotions to thought. I love that it calms me down so much and i feel better,but same is true for any euphoric drug, and the longer your on it the harder it is. Id like to go into greater detail in my 30 yr on and off experiance but at the end of the day, the only truth out there is the one you believe. If you have exhausted all other help then **** it. But there are many hollistic practioners out there and sollutions before id take a trip on the bezo rollercoaster. Remember also that it costs money , a once a month trip to doc and pharmacy. My klonopin helps but also enables me to **** off because i know i have pills that will make it all better. It is a fact your brain is moldable and changeable by organic means, but for some it can be too much work and money for cbt or hollistic remedys. My klonopin cost me a dollar. I am at a hollistic treatment center called flor de salud in Mexico and it is expensive and not easy to change. But i dare anyone to challege the fact that drugs prescribed, not prescribed, fda or not fda approved can certainly be a rabbit hole. A whole hearted genuine Good luck amigo. Your not alone.

Brenndy · Answer

the "Depression Central" site is for sale....(more times of the economy???)
Hey RyeGuy:  Sometimes ya just gotta let it go and let the professionals do their jobs; that is, saving lives.  Best you be the next one.
Prevail!

jakegorzen · Answer

I love it, and in my opinion, and allot of others it is the best choice for benzo treatment.
Works great
I just hate how everyone bad mouths it because of the "addiction" Ive seen people properly taper off with little or no withdraws, and your pretty much up the same boat as me, we both take low doses, so that will make it easier.
Yea, they mess with your memory, but Id rather have slight short term memory loss rather then constant NON STOP PANIC AND SHOCK with the LACK OF SLEEP.
So I am a strong advocate for them, and IN RARE cases people become tolerant of klonopin, and experience withdraw between doses because of the long half life.
Usually those people metabolize things much quicker then normal.
Just my 2 cents

abby10 · Answer

Klonopin is addictive... it is a much better choice than other benzo's, very effective for anxiety, but addictive just the same. I took 4mg a day and it just never was enough. I was having withdrawals between doses. Yes the docs do conflict on the long term use of benzo's. But I just want to let you know that I have spoken to people who have had a horrible time getting off them, and they will absolutey damage your memory. Although I will say my memory is much better now.

denistd · Answer

I do not wish to appear unsympathetic or unempathic, fear is the most powerful emotion a human can have. When I said that you can not get help from this forum I was telling you that your situation is beyond, given what you have described, the people here, we are are not pros, just people. The anxiety forum in it's whole contains a myriad of people seing the same problem from a myriad of different angles. Sure, it's helpful and good to get views of people who have gone through similar situations. Your situation is, however, a lot more complicated as you have the cancer thing thrown in, which, at this point, is conjecture because you have not allowed tests, other than urine, to be conducted.
But let's look at this thing, taking into account all of what you have said, from a real life standpoint, believe me, you are not asking just about klonopin, klonopin is not the silver bullet you are looking for, you are screaming out, your childhood sucked, you have no support or other person in your life to take control, my heart goes out to you. GET A COLONOSCOPY, even if your drunk when you get it. I get a colonoscopy every three years. The prep *****, but only because you have to drink some stuff then hang around the toilet for a couple of hours. No drugs, no needles. Listen Rye, if you do nothing you will die, if you have cancer and do not get treatment, how scared are you of death, death is oblivion, it's forever, my opinion only. Don't let this happen to you. It's up to you, there is strength and resolve in every human being, sometimes we just have to find it, maybe a clergyman or priest can help.

RyeGuy79 · Answer

Oh and the reason I mention the bladder is that the gastroenterologist thought it was very dangerous of me to not get my bladder checked.  He said that if cancer has been growing on my bladder, it could have spread to the large intestine and other organs.  It is possible that the events of two years ago are tied with the events of this year.  

What upsets me most of all is what I wanted to do from day one was baby steps.  Get non-invasive stuff first like CAT scans, ultrasounds, etc.  My insurance would have paid for anything, I have been paying $300 a month to keep it because it is such a good PPO.  I will lose it however by summer 2009.  The doctors however have always been resistant to working with me, completely failing to understand panic disorder.  I don't think I could have been any more clear with them how hard it is for me to do invasive procedures.

RyeGuy79 · Answer

Thanks for the replies thus far.  Two years ago I started having trace blood in my urine.  The first scope we had to cancel because I had a full blown panic attack when I went in for it.  The second time I went in I had forced myself to take half a xanax and I did not like how it made me feel (or at least I believed I didn't like it, my brain felt like it was warm / gooey and I was too tired).  When I was in for the 2nd appt for the scope to check my bladder, I had two urine tests in a row to re-verify that there was no longer blood after 9 months of it being there.  The doc still advised me that we could do it to check for sure, but he left it up to me.  I cancelled the scope.

This past spring, I began having rectal bleeding.  I was immediately referred to a gastro I had seen before for acid reflux, and he insisted I get a colonoscopy asap.  Unfortunately I had a horrible time with the prep, and the day of I went in to the hospital but flipped out when they wanted to put me under.  The appointment was cancelled since I just could not calm down and I would not let them give me sedatives.  

The doctor wanted me to try again, but to take an anti-nausea med before the 2nd colonoscopy appt and to get on an anti-anxiety once and for all.  I kept insisting that he do other tests, he refused saying that the colonoscopy would be an end all be all test, and that he'd definitely need to take biopsies regardless so there was no option that was better.  I made a 2nd appointment, but ended up cancelling it.  He wouldn't see me anymore after that.

I found a new gastroenterologist, he agreed to do it with me awake but only if I started taking the Klonopin.  I have had major symptom changes in the past two months that are indicative of cancer most of all.  I cannot even begin to tell you how much pain I have been in almost every day now compared to back in spring.  All this doctor is waiting for is for me to get on a regular dose of Klonopin, and he'll set up an appt for me for a colonoscopy without IV sedation.  He says that almost every other country but the US does it without IV sedation, and that he does them for patients without it about half the time.  His concern though is that my symptoms in the fall as I said are more tied to cancer than ulcerative colitis or chrohns disease.

No one can force me to do the test unless I'm medically incapable of making my own decision.  Despite all that is going on, and all of my pain though, I'm still having panic attacks about even taking the med.  I'm terrified of side effects.  I'm scared I'll have a bad experience and need to goto the hospital because I'm flipping out or feel out of control.  I'm scared somewhat of needing to rely on a drug to be normal.  I've spent the past 8 years thinking I could beat panic disorder without drugs, but I've failed in every way.

I reached out to this forum because I think people here can help me.  If I can get convinced that even people who were like me took it and had a positive life change, I can perhaps muster up the strength to get myself to finally take it.  The only catch is that I will then have to keep myself calm for the 1-2 hours that it supposedly takes to kick in.

It feels like a nightmare though to be as terrified of taking meds as the pain I'm feeling and the risk of potential cancer / death.  It makes me feel like I'm in a lose-lose situation no matter what I do, so that's why I need help in encouragement and positive stories.

denistd · Answer

I have been taking Klonopin for 20 years.  I had chronic panic attacks and anxiety at age 30. It dominated me. I met an old pyche from Germany who put me on inderal and a drug called Triavil. The panic and 75% of the fear went away. I moved to PA and lost touch with him, I then had an appointment with a doc who took me off the inderal and on klonopin and Triavil, wallah things improved another 20%, I only have a very mild and not often bout of anxity and it's generalized. I am now 65 and just went through (in May) emergency, open heart bypass surgery, no anxiety. I am fine. The best drug for me was the Triavil, I have never abused the prescription only taken as directed, klonopin is very addictive, but I have taken 1 ml a day now for 20 years and never a problem. All of this said, judging from your post, you have a plethora of problems, you seriously need to think about inpatient treatment, your emotions perceptions are dangerous and I would verify what they mean by hidden cancer or however you described it, it would seem to me that you need help, scream from the rooftops HELP. This forum cannot help you, especially someone that writes in techno gibberish.

ILADVOCATE · Answer

I can't say I "love" any of my medications but I can say I "need" them. As for the Klonopin I've been on it about 10 years first as a side effect pill for control of extra pyramidal symptoms of antipsychotics and now that I have advanced tardive dyskinesia for control of dystonic spasms. But before I recovered from schizoaffective disorder (with the phase II FDA study anti-psychotic glycine, a glutamate antagonist a new form of antipsychotic in study, it is also being studied for anxiety disorder I believe) I found the Klonopin extremely effective on anxiety. Your concerns about Xanax are valid. It can be addictive and its not meant for long term use. However, Klonopin, although being a benzodiazepene does have a potential for a person to build up a tolerance having a stronger half life (how it lasts in the body) it is the least likely of the benzodiazepenes to do this. Many people take it long term safely.  
As for your concerns about medications in general the best thing to do is educate yourself. For anti-depressents a good website is "Depression Central".

Katie35801 · Answer

I know many who take this drug and they love it. Give it a shot, if you don't like it, don't take it. Start out by taking 1/4 pill if it makes you feel better. Good luck!

MrGreen · Answer

I take 1.5 mg twice a day and no side effects at all. That's just the klonopin. I also take 3 other tablets as well. Hate side effects and medication as a rule. But it has helped me settle down so much. Best thing to do is not read up all about it. That will scare you away from it. They write all that junk on the leaflets to cover themselves from law suits. Just in case somebody claims it done something to them. You will read the same with all medication leaflets. Try it at night as you are going asleep to begin. See how it goes that way. It's cool to take. But I understand your worries. They are normal with any new form of medication.