Aa
I doubleposted - didn't know where this would belong
I did double-post, but I didn't know where this story would belong. My apologies.
I know this is ridiculously long, but please bear with me...
For years now, I have been feeling increasingly hopeless.
In the beginning years of high school I was able to socialize somewhat normally, I had friends (not too many, but enough), and I could face day to day life normally. Now, at 22 years old, I find it incredibly draining to go to work and school because I know I will have to be around and/or talk to people. I don't have many friends - actually I only have one friend, and although she has been my best friend since we have been like four years old, and she is always here for me, I don't know how great of a friend she is. So many things about her bother me nowadays. A couple of months ago on her birthday, she dragged me out to a bar and I saw one of my customers (I work at a coffee shop) - he said hi, I said hello - and she said, "Wow! It actually looks like you have a life!" I wanted to crawl in a hole and die. I'm sorry that I don't like to go out and drink myself retarded like she does - I grew up with an alcoholic mother who divorced my father - the nicest man on earth - and I am anti-alcohol now. My cousin is the same way because of her mother and she is perfectly happy. She met a guy just like her and they live perfectly normal lives.
So, my mother. She divorced my father when I was six years old after having an affair for years with a man 12 years younger than her. He was a raging alcoholic and she is such a FOLLOWER that she turned into one when they got together. I used to sit up at night and pray that she would just turn off the music so that I could go to sleep and go to school the next day. I have ALWAYS felt like the parent. Since they divorced about nine years ago, she has dated loser after loser, totally attaching herself to the first guy that even looks in her direction after I have to end things for her with the last guy. One beat her up, one cheated - now she is with a 46 year old guy who doesn't work, she buys him everything and anything he wants, and has totally ruined her finances over him. I am trying to go to college and work full-time, and she does not help me out AT ALL. She can't even cosign a student loan for me because she spends all of her money on his made up "disease." By the way, he is on Morphine, duragesic patches, Percocets, etc, etc, etc. He has no job - no diagnosis, therefore no disability - therefore no health insurance - and therefore she buys all of this medication cash. She told me she spends $2,000/month on it (she is an R.N.). Am I wrong for feeling like this is unfair to me? About a year ago, she told my ex-boyfriend that she was about to lose the house, and about a week later she showed up at his house (I was living with him at the time) in the midst of a nervous breakdown. I was there for her and calmed her down like I always do. A few days later, my best friend ran into his ex-wife and she told her all kinds of stuff about this guy - like that he actually IS a drug addict, he never worked when he was with her either, he was abusive toward his three kids, etc, etc, etc. So, I got to thinking about the situation, and I confronted her. See, about two years ago, instead of me taking a loan out for my car, she bought it cash and I pay her every month. I was incredibly faithful the entire time until this point, because I thought - why am I giving her money that I am busting my butt for if it's just going to her drug addict boyfriend??? She has willingly admitted to giving him EVERYTHING she makes - it is not just my assumption. Is this fair? NO. So anyway, I confronted her. I said exactly how I felt about her and her stupid boyfriend - that she needs to grow a backbone and kick him to the curb, etc, etc, etc. I told her what my friend found out - like that he really was a drug addict and everything - because I feel like my mother doesn't acknowledge it, she cried and said, "I know I have to kick him out." I asked if she needed my help, she said no, and that was it. About a week later she asked me to go out to get our nails done together and she threatened to tell my friend personal things that I have shared about her with my mother - like that she cheats on her fiancee while he is out fishing. Actually she said she would tell the fiancee this. What kind of mother is that?
My worst fear in life is ending up like her. She is the worst mother I could ever imagine in my eyes. She things that she can buy love - but she can't buy mine. She has never been there for me for anything, and I am sick and tired of worrying about her.
I had an abortion about a year and a half ago. I was in a relationship with a really bad person for about two years. He was mentally abusive, addicted to pain pills, and physically abusive to my two dogs. He was truly a very rotten person, and I know that that decision was the right one. I broke up with him in the beginning of December, and I am so glad that I did. He said and did horrible things to me - he made me look like a fool on numerous occasions, and now that we are split, he is still doing it. It infuriates me to no extent.
See, the last time I can remember feeling somewhat normal is maybe in high school...? Middle school definitely. I was happy then. I think I was blissfully ignorant to the life that was being mapped out for me and the impressions that were being smushed into my impressionable child-brain. There is some mental illness in my family - none of my immediate family - just cousins and stuff, with like major depression, schizophrenia, etc. Speaking of family, I was very close with my cousins growing up, pretty much until my mother married her second husband - the alcoholic. My mother began this alcoholic phase at this time, stopped speaking to the family, and made me feel like if I spoke to them, I'd be a traitor to her. She never once pushed me to remain in contact whatsoever. I, the impressionable child, followed along. My mother has never remained in contact with anybody, really - friends, family - nobody. She brushes everyone off - except for men. She puts all of her social energy into her boyfriend. If I didn't keep in contact with her, she would disappear out of my life.
About a year ago, my grandmother finally told me what happened between my parents - that my mom cheated and my father caught her, and then she kicked him out. It took a long time of me trying to figure everything out for her to tell me this. So, needless to say, I have started to realize what type of person my mother really is in the past couple of years, and I started speaking to the family again about a year ago. I apologized for not keeping in contact and of course they were understanding because I was so young. I admire them because they seem so normal! They have normal lives, normal marriages and relationships, normal jobs, normal conversations - nothing like I am used to. I love being around them - I soak it all up. But I still feel unable to socialize with them.
I feel like I cannot keep any relationships together - just like my mother cannot. She doesn't even try actually. I feel like I do the same thing - I want to - I dream about what it would be like to have a husband, three kids, a huge happy family, lots of friends and coworkers... but I don't know HOW to do it. I feel like I can't converse with people at all. It is both impossible and draining. I feel like my mother, as she says, "I just don't have the time!" I DON'T want to be like that! I feel though, since she was my parent 95% of the time, that I will grow up to be just like her. I don't know what to do. Do you think that I just have low self esteem? I don't know what's wrong with me.
I am sorry that this is so long...
Please leave me any feedback that you can...
I would really appreciate it.
I know this is ridiculously long, but please bear with me...
For years now, I have been feeling increasingly hopeless.
In the beginning years of high school I was able to socialize somewhat normally, I had friends (not too many, but enough), and I could face day to day life normally. Now, at 22 years old, I find it incredibly draining to go to work and school because I know I will have to be around and/or talk to people. I don't have many friends - actually I only have one friend, and although she has been my best friend since we have been like four years old, and she is always here for me, I don't know how great of a friend she is. So many things about her bother me nowadays. A couple of months ago on her birthday, she dragged me out to a bar and I saw one of my customers (I work at a coffee shop) - he said hi, I said hello - and she said, "Wow! It actually looks like you have a life!" I wanted to crawl in a hole and die. I'm sorry that I don't like to go out and drink myself retarded like she does - I grew up with an alcoholic mother who divorced my father - the nicest man on earth - and I am anti-alcohol now. My cousin is the same way because of her mother and she is perfectly happy. She met a guy just like her and they live perfectly normal lives.
So, my mother. She divorced my father when I was six years old after having an affair for years with a man 12 years younger than her. He was a raging alcoholic and she is such a FOLLOWER that she turned into one when they got together. I used to sit up at night and pray that she would just turn off the music so that I could go to sleep and go to school the next day. I have ALWAYS felt like the parent. Since they divorced about nine years ago, she has dated loser after loser, totally attaching herself to the first guy that even looks in her direction after I have to end things for her with the last guy. One beat her up, one cheated - now she is with a 46 year old guy who doesn't work, she buys him everything and anything he wants, and has totally ruined her finances over him. I am trying to go to college and work full-time, and she does not help me out AT ALL. She can't even cosign a student loan for me because she spends all of her money on his made up "disease." By the way, he is on Morphine, duragesic patches, Percocets, etc, etc, etc. He has no job - no diagnosis, therefore no disability - therefore no health insurance - and therefore she buys all of this medication cash. She told me she spends $2,000/month on it (she is an R.N.). Am I wrong for feeling like this is unfair to me? About a year ago, she told my ex-boyfriend that she was about to lose the house, and about a week later she showed up at his house (I was living with him at the time) in the midst of a nervous breakdown. I was there for her and calmed her down like I always do. A few days later, my best friend ran into his ex-wife and she told her all kinds of stuff about this guy - like that he actually IS a drug addict, he never worked when he was with her either, he was abusive toward his three kids, etc, etc, etc. So, I got to thinking about the situation, and I confronted her. See, about two years ago, instead of me taking a loan out for my car, she bought it cash and I pay her every month. I was incredibly faithful the entire time until this point, because I thought - why am I giving her money that I am busting my butt for if it's just going to her drug addict boyfriend??? She has willingly admitted to giving him EVERYTHING she makes - it is not just my assumption. Is this fair? NO. So anyway, I confronted her. I said exactly how I felt about her and her stupid boyfriend - that she needs to grow a backbone and kick him to the curb, etc, etc, etc. I told her what my friend found out - like that he really was a drug addict and everything - because I feel like my mother doesn't acknowledge it, she cried and said, "I know I have to kick him out." I asked if she needed my help, she said no, and that was it. About a week later she asked me to go out to get our nails done together and she threatened to tell my friend personal things that I have shared about her with my mother - like that she cheats on her fiancee while he is out fishing. Actually she said she would tell the fiancee this. What kind of mother is that?
My worst fear in life is ending up like her. She is the worst mother I could ever imagine in my eyes. She things that she can buy love - but she can't buy mine. She has never been there for me for anything, and I am sick and tired of worrying about her.
I had an abortion about a year and a half ago. I was in a relationship with a really bad person for about two years. He was mentally abusive, addicted to pain pills, and physically abusive to my two dogs. He was truly a very rotten person, and I know that that decision was the right one. I broke up with him in the beginning of December, and I am so glad that I did. He said and did horrible things to me - he made me look like a fool on numerous occasions, and now that we are split, he is still doing it. It infuriates me to no extent.
See, the last time I can remember feeling somewhat normal is maybe in high school...? Middle school definitely. I was happy then. I think I was blissfully ignorant to the life that was being mapped out for me and the impressions that were being smushed into my impressionable child-brain. There is some mental illness in my family - none of my immediate family - just cousins and stuff, with like major depression, schizophrenia, etc. Speaking of family, I was very close with my cousins growing up, pretty much until my mother married her second husband - the alcoholic. My mother began this alcoholic phase at this time, stopped speaking to the family, and made me feel like if I spoke to them, I'd be a traitor to her. She never once pushed me to remain in contact whatsoever. I, the impressionable child, followed along. My mother has never remained in contact with anybody, really - friends, family - nobody. She brushes everyone off - except for men. She puts all of her social energy into her boyfriend. If I didn't keep in contact with her, she would disappear out of my life.
About a year ago, my grandmother finally told me what happened between my parents - that my mom cheated and my father caught her, and then she kicked him out. It took a long time of me trying to figure everything out for her to tell me this. So, needless to say, I have started to realize what type of person my mother really is in the past couple of years, and I started speaking to the family again about a year ago. I apologized for not keeping in contact and of course they were understanding because I was so young. I admire them because they seem so normal! They have normal lives, normal marriages and relationships, normal jobs, normal conversations - nothing like I am used to. I love being around them - I soak it all up. But I still feel unable to socialize with them.
I feel like I cannot keep any relationships together - just like my mother cannot. She doesn't even try actually. I feel like I do the same thing - I want to - I dream about what it would be like to have a husband, three kids, a huge happy family, lots of friends and coworkers... but I don't know HOW to do it. I feel like I can't converse with people at all. It is both impossible and draining. I feel like my mother, as she says, "I just don't have the time!" I DON'T want to be like that! I feel though, since she was my parent 95% of the time, that I will grow up to be just like her. I don't know what to do. Do you think that I just have low self esteem? I don't know what's wrong with me.
I am sorry that this is so long...
Please leave me any feedback that you can...
I would really appreciate it.
I completely understand. When your mom is your main parental sort and she is mentally unstable, figuring out what is real and what she taught you is a scary time. My mom has been an alcholic my whole life but goes thru phases where she denies it and tries to get me to be proud of her for quitting when all she did was start taking perscripts instead. Messed up all the time is Messed up, doesn't matter if its pills, alchol, whatever. I have to take time to fight the bitter angry panic attacks that come when I think about my mom. And I still talk to her everyday. Good luck and you are not alone or crazy. Its hard but doable. Just remember everybody picks thier parents because they need to learn something from them. You can do better than she did and your kids can do bettter than you. That is how this whole crazy system is supposed to work.
Let me just start by saying I think you are a very strong and brave person. It takes a lot of courage to share many of the things you wrote about. I can't say I understand everything, or offer you any great advice because that wouldn't be fair. From what I read you've led a very hard and difficult life, but I admire you because you still seem to want to make things better for yourself. I think that because you can your mother objectively, and for all her faults you still seem to care for her, but I don't believe you will "become her." We are all individuals and given free choice and free will. On that note, I think it would be greatly beneficial to you if you chose to seek professional help. If there is a doctor, nurse, clergy purse (i.e. ministers, priest, etc), that you would feel comfortable contacting that would be a good starting point. I'm not sure what area of the world you are in but there are many "distress center" type resources, including free calling centers for people in need of help. A good place to start would be a local phone book to see what resources are available in your area. I hope that you find some encouragement from this, and realize that things can get better...even when it seems like there's nothing left to hope for...just keep holding on! Now I'm not a psychologist or professional of any sort, but if you ever just need someone to vent to, I'll have an open "ear".
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