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I just want my life back. :(
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I just want my life back. :(

Around July of this year, my ex called and told me that he think I had given him something. He was experiencing pain in his testicles and abdomen and said it hurt when he ejaculated. At that point, my world started to collapsed. No, I haven't always protected myself and yes, I've made some pretty awful decisions when it comes to my sex life. At the age of 25, I had never been tested for any stds before because I had no symptoms. After he told me that, I immediately made an appointment to my doctor. I got tested for everything and all of it came back negative.

Fast forward to now and I have since taken 3 HIV swab test and all of those are negative as well. I'm still constantly living in fear that I do have something although I have the results to prove that I dont. I've since met a new guy that I really adore and we have discussed all of this. We shared test results as well and he is negative. We have since had sex without a condom a few times and now my mind has started to play tricks with me and my anxiety is on a level 10 because I had unprotected sexual with him even though I know his status.

I just want my life back. I want to live again and be happy and move on, but I cant. Can anyone help me, please and share what you think may be holding me back?

Thank you!
6 Comments Post a Comment
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Avatar_m_tn
you know what, the same is going with me, it is all about guilt, and all in your mind, just forget about STDs, and enjoy your life, get busy, and do not think about STDs, you and your new boyfriend are tested, then you are all safe
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Avatar_f_tn
We didn't get tested together, but I was tested in July and he was tested in August of this year. I'm trying desperately to stay busy and get back on track, but it's so hard. 90% of the time, I'm alone because I live about 3 hours away from him and my family. I go to work and try to keep as busy as possible, but my anxiety still pokes at me daily. I know it takes time, but this is really taking over my life.
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Avatar_f_tn
I'm going through the same thing. I think stress has taken over my life. I've been checked for stds for 6 months now everything has come back normal. I've had physical pain throughout my whole body. My hands start hurting. They fall asleep every night. My heart has been beating really fast. My anxiety has not gone away after I eat I feel dizzy and vision gets weird and my heart starts beating super fast. I've gone through a lot these past 7 months. I have not been the same I recently started dating my new boyfriend for almost 2 months and I feel like I infected him with an std. I've had stomache pain and also pain in my neck and my tonsils get itchy and I also got a physical and everything came out good. But my tsh levels which was my thyroid levels came out low which could be causing all this pain and my life has been weird, I've been obsessing over this whole HIV thing. I even spoke to my boyfriend about it. He loves me and he says well if I do than I do everyone dies. I wish I could think like him as sad it sounds I feel like I'm scared of death or I'm scared of suffering through life. It's a ****** feeling. I'm 22. I took a long walk today by myself in the rain and just thought about everything. I just want to be happy again like if I do have whatever is wrong with me like I want to except and be happy like I don't want to live my life being depressed. I keep my mind distracted at work but he minute I give myself a paper cut on accident I freak out and feel like I'm going to give someone hiv, even though I've come out negative but it's because I got a cold right after I got all the body and joint pain the sore throat and all the symtoms (symptoms) now I have this stomache pain right below my ribs and after I eat I feel like my blood pressure goes up or down. My hands always hurt they tingle. And my vision ***** with me. I got checked for diabetes and I'm not diabetic. Apparently idk what's wrong with me but trust i believe things will get better and I hope
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Avatar_f_tn
Just know that you aren't alone. It will get better for all of us. We've been checked and things have come back okay. I'm gonna make an appointment with a psychiatrist as well. Stress and anxiety have consumed me since July, but it is a must I take back my life. I haven't had a positive test, so I must be okay. And so are you! My boyfriend was tested a month before we were intimate, so he's fine too and so is your boyfriend. We will get through this! I promise. I will say a prayer for us all. In the meantime, get out and get busy and stay out of your thoughts. Again, we are fine and we have the tests to prove it. It's just guilt and anxiety that's eating us up. I'm always here if you need to talk. Talking about it helps me.
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Avatar_f_tn
honestly idk if anxiety causes health problems but problems i never had in the past are starting to happen ive been having like upper stomache pain and rib pain and it itches sometimes like idk whats happening to me. i go to some stupid clinic down the street from my house and they dont do nothing for me. my heart has beeen really fast to the point i get dizzy and my vision starts getting weird. im soo fustated. i just need help.my family and friends thinks its all in my head but i swear to u its not. it ***** cause i have no one.  idk what to do. back in may i was in the ER twice for my anxiety attacks than in june or july i had a physical and everything came out good. idk if its my stress causing me to get sick. i also had the flu back in May. i thought i was diabetic. thats how my anxiety started. than it just got worse. i feel like im having problems with my pancreas. maybe im not like at the end of all of this i hope its just anxiety. i dont know when it will end. i try everyday for it to go away. it just wont, its been almost a year  now. i appreciate u praying for me. im glad theres people out there thats going through the same thing i am.
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Avatar_f_tn
anxiety does cause health related problems. I've never had sex in my life but I went to this strip back in September and felt her vagina grazed my penis. when I left the place, I felt anxious and a couple of days later I got all the symptoms you can imagine. a week after the event, I decided to get tested. it came out negative but a month later, all the symptoms kicked back again - sweaty feet and hands, night sweats. when I learned about "window periods" for hiv testing I got really sick. I could barely sleep and eat and even going to school. the past week, I saw 7 doctors every single day. it became an obsession: I felt something weird in my body and I went to a doctor. I talked to doctors about the  different symptoms I've experienced and they said they not related to hiv and that I did not have hiv. when I left a clinic, I wasn't convinced able what the doctor had told me so I went to see another doctor the following day and so on for a week. I went to see my school counselor, psychologist and even prescribed some pills to relax. last week, I had another test and it was negative but I still tremble and I guess I have a great fear with this illness. I am scheduled to take an appointment with a psychiatrist. I've been risking my GPA and my training. I feel that everything is going down...
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