I'm not sure where to post this, but...

[Stephe987]

I feel that I am lost. For my whole life, especially now, I always felt that something was really missing. I got really depressed in high school, and I have always doubted that I had any kind of genetic disorder, or one that I developed over time. Just recently, I was wondering "what the hell is wrong with me and how can I end this? (not as in suicide)". My parents can seem very "weird", so it may come from that (they came from a time where these illnesses weren't widely aware of).

I've always wanted to be a social, respectable person, but things just kept getting in the way. I got so depressed, that all I did was sleep during class for some of grade 10 (I also got into a lot of trouble with the law this year), and most of grade 11 (got in trouble with the law again, this time it was not as bad). I started skipping a lot at the beginning of grade 12 (which I currently am completing), and started smoking marijuana.

I went to some doctors/therapists, and the only things I ever got out of that was "he has depression", or "he has ADHD",  I KNOW THAT, I'M NOT RETARDED! I've also heard Tourettes syndrome, the only actual "surprise" diagnosis. I was prescribed to Paxil (I believe) one time, and I THINK it did have some sort of a positive impact, but that was a really long time ago (I have also taken various ADHD and anti-depressant/anxiety medications, which I am off of now).

Well, I just found a Personality Disorder Test that I found to be quite good (don't get me wrong, these things usually aren't too accurate, but in this situation I feel I am right). I answered all of the questions from this test as honestly as possibly could, even if I didn't knowthe EXACT answer. I kept going through the test to see if anything was wrong, and eventually got tired of that and just clicked Next. This is what came out, and it really shocked me:

Actually, the results are a bit different now, but still average out the same pretty much to my knowledge:

Disorder  Rating Information
Paranoid:  Moderate
Schizoid:  High
Schizotypal:  High
Antisocial:  High
Borderline:  Low
Histrionic:  Very High
Narcissistic:  High
Avoidant:  High
Dependent:  Low
Obsessive-Compulsive:  High

Before, I believe that Schizotypal was Very high, and Histrionic was High. As I was reading some of these conditions on Wikipedia, some of them really got me deep down. Is there something wrong with me?




Sorry if any of this doesn't make any sense, if I am true in this sense, than it only proves how ****ed up I am...

[Jikan]

First, I'd like to welcome you to the forum. I'm sure you'll find many compassionate, supportive and insightful individuals here who are anxious to help those who suffer as most of us do.
I also have felt lost most of my life. When I was a teenager I just felt that something was wrong. That I didn't belong, even though I could "fake it", I was comfortable with other indivuals in a social situation. Both my junior and senior years I skipped a lot of school(in excess of 20 days each year) and started smoking marijuana, but didn't find any relief.
As I grew older I learned to put on the proper "face" for society and became very good at it. In a professional setting I exuded assertiveness and confidence and was relatively successful until I reached a point where I thought I no longer deserved what I was receiving and sabotaged my job.
Relationships with females always failed because I never had the self confidence to believe I was worthy of being loved, since I failed to love myself and thought that I waas useless and worthless. Many of these negative feeling were derived from the constant ranting of my father who never thought I was good enough and that I never lived up to his expectations.
I don't have any easy answers for you. All I can say is that your confidence will develop if you're ready to accept yourself for who you are and not try to be someone you're not ar the someone that someone else expects you to be.
Finding a mentor or a mental health counselor(social worker or guidance counselor) that you are comfortable with would greatly enhance your self esteem and expedite the process of "feeling better" and more "normal", whatever that might be.
A CT scan, MRI or other medical procedure is probably unnessecary because I feel that all you suffer from is that lack of self esteem and lack of confidence in yourself.
Believe in who you are, take advantage of your strengths whatever they may be(i.e. writing, painting, athletics, etc.)
Another way to build your confidence is to volunteer your time to a worthwhile cause such as being a big brother or visiting a nursing home. If these don't appeal to you try volunteering at an animal shelter where the animals will love you unconditionally.
I know you can conquer that which bothers you now. You are young and the sooner you turn this around the more productive and happy the future will be for you.
I know I've given you a lot to think about and don't think you have to do too many things at one time. It's better to set small achievable goals for yourself and when you succeed at thos goals, pat yourself on the back and move on slowly. Take baby steps.
Feel free to post here as often as you need to and be certain to let us know how you are doing. We are all pulling for you.

Michael(Jikan)

[Stephe987]

since i have a wide range of illnesses, and want to treat the ones i have ASAP, would getting a ct scan or whatever be better than just jumping into meds?

[kalie1979]

i really don't know how to comment, but i have the same feelings a lot also, and i am on medication to help. I feel so lost...i have everything i need to make me happy but sometimes it don't. And now i am dealing with a addiction to hydrocodone, because it would give me the confidence and help a lot with social situations and i would feel sooo happy, now i am sooo depressed. i wish so bad i could help you!!!!!! i know exactly how u feel, and its horrible! if medication helped u before why not try again. but i will be here if u need to talk....good luck