First i would like to tell about myself. I am good educated and well employed. All my life i have been kind of people pleaser and i always consider what others would think before doing anything. I never get over drunk, neither shout even at home cause it might trouble my neighbors. I can't yell at people; even if i do, it would be in my mind for months.
I somehow find it normal and thought myself a good human being nothing more who cares about others.
But from past year or so, things have gone out of control. These days i m afraid of going out, and spend most of the weekends just sitting at home and weekday working late in the night.
I am always worried that i would get in fight with someone and i always think that people somehow notice me even if i m in a crowd and hence i become point of attention all the time. I have had couple of fights in my previous life and as a kid too but they never used to bother me until now. These days whenever i go out i want some friends with me and if i m alone, my heartbeat goes up and i kind of pray for something bad not to happen.
Apart from that i dont know .. i am kind of person who thinks a lot about society and people, scrutinizing everything. I read lot of books and follow almost all the news around the world. And somehow i have started to feel that in general people are bad and whenever i am in trouble no body will come to help me, and everybody is trying to get whatever they can out of strangers.
I am living in a place where i have language problem so the situation becomes even worse.
But my friends are all normal and they go out and enjoy life. On the other hand i just want to sit and wait for the weekend to get over so that i can go back to office and drown myself in work.
I really want to travel and see the world but!!!
I hope somebody out there could help me. I really do.
I think therapy is your next step. You've obviously always been too hard on yourself, trying to be too perfect. That's a sign of anxiety or depression, and a warning to get yourself into therapy and learn how to go easier on yourself and on others.
Why do you post on a teen forum, are you a teen? You sound as if you are far from home, alienated. Life in a place with a language problem is hard. Find fellows who speak your language. If you cannot, embrace the language of your fellows and embrace your new home.
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