Is my anxiety from childhood neglect? It started at purty

[Thereareanswers]

Here is what I discovered recently. My depression and anxity come from brain damage from lack of affection and feeling safe as an infant and toddler. It has caused anxiety since puberty, which I have tried to "fix" for 38 years with talk therapy, 25 years in AA, the last 13 years on a series of antidepressants, which are now Wellbutrin 400mg daily and Buspar 40mg daily (both generic). The Buspar isn't quite working, so I hope my psychiatrist will figure out a better med for the anxiety when I see her next week (July 2009). Wellbutrin relieved the constant, stupefying fatigue I've had since I had mono in the late '70's, and that increased significantly when I started on SSRI's in 1995. Last year my new psychiatrist switched me to Wellbutrin, which has transformed my life. Apparently I had a big problem with dopamine that the SSRI's weren't addressing. I used to nap several times a week, including at work at lunchtime. Now I take a nap once every few weeks.

I have never had a truly intimate emotional relationship with anyone. I've had glimpses of it, but I think people detect my "intimacy anxiety" and it sounds an alarm. I've noticed the same thing in the feral cats and dogs I've rescued - too much affection and touching scares them, instead of making them feel good. And people who come to my pet adoptions, even those who have never had a pet, seem to sense that the timid dogs will never truly trust - and they don't adopt them.  That's how I've been all my life. My outside seems OK - great sense of humor, smart, good at my job. Inside, I'm scattered, with a low hum of anxiety most of the time. I'm grateful to AA for reassuring me that "those of us who can't have families" can still be of service. And I do have several female friends that I socialize with - but who each have their own significant emotional problems to deal with.

The panic attacks and anxiety went away with Effexor, but I was also exhausted all the time. Two weeks after I switched completely from Effexor to Wellbutrin, after 12 years on SSRI's, I began to panic again, and couldn't leave the house for two weekends in a row. I remembered that I had some leftover Buspar from a previous attempt at fixing the fatigue, so I looked up the dosage, and took enough to relieve the panic, and function again. My psychiatrist agreed that the Buspar was a good idea, and I've been on it in addition to the Wellbutrin.

I found out about my brain damage just recently - Easter Sunday 2009, in fact, when I googled emotional damage, and found some articles on www.scholastic.com about what happens to children who aren't cared for as infants and toddlers. At first I was angry that I had spent almost four decades trying to figure out why I was crazy, and getting "fixed," when I was actually experiencing organic anxiety - my brain's inability to prevent the overactivation of my "fight or flight" feelings.

But now I'm off the hook. I'm not crazy, I have brain damage. I may not be able to recover from it completely, but I no longer feel like a deficient human. "It is what it is," as my friend Rebecca says. And I don't have to be afraid of myself anymore.

[alicat007]

Thanks for letting me know you have been through the same thing as me. Its nice to know there are people out there who understand you. You know your right once you have had one breakdown you know whats coming and it doesn't seem as bad but it still lasts so long and is still such a toll on my mind and body. And the fact I can't stop what I know isn't normal behavior. That really makes me mad.Do you have triggers? Lots or a few? How do you control the fear of people and places and the idea of being used if you let them in? Do you trust people? Are flashbacks and seeing something bad on TV that triggers sickness and doom are they the same thing? I feel so much and feel so much pain sometimes that it makes me ill. I have been in talk therapy and group (that sucked big time!) I tried to commit suicide once about 7 yrs ago and was put in for three days. Talk really helps if you have the right minded therapist, I have been through about 8 now. And I have tried some many meds. Either bad side effects or I max out the dosage. My first breakdown started in 97' same as you flash backs, panic attacks, even hearing my name being called. I couldn't leave the home for 6 months. That one took over 2 yrs to get over. I lost a child in 02' and broke again. car accident 04' again broke. stress in 08' again broke..these only lasted about 8 months each. My big problem right now is anxiety and flashbacks or I guess really triggers. The news just kills me there is so much wrong and evil I get sick from seeing or hearing things. I stumbled onto the sexual abuse threads here and OMG I thought I would die just from the first few minutes of reading just the first page!  I am very strong and I do everything in this family pay bills, work really hard and make everyone happy. So when I have too much stress I get depressed first,then angry, then I cry, then I want to give up and I hide in my room for days at a time just not wanting to deal with life any more. I have just made an appointment to see my Psychiatrist but he's in clinic so hopefully soon. Its just once I get better they take me off the meds. I think I need to be on them forever but then I worry about my liver. Thanks for letting me know you have been thru the same type of childhood. No one ever believes mine was that much stuff but I have never told the whole story because its just to wild to believe...so many little things that added up to such a not normal life. I used to wish as I sat outside a friends house and heard them eatting dinner or talking that I could have that kind of family or life that was nice and quite and safe. I used to look at family's and wish I had one like that to be with. I tried so hard to make that kind of life for my family but I ended up trying to buy their love and they just broke me. figuratively and otherwise. You seem so strong and together its amazing!

[mjbrown]

I had a very similar childhood - but the roles of your mother and father were reversed for me. I don't know if you've had any experience with therapy, but I can say that it has done wonders for me in terms of understanding my behavior, emotions, and fears. I had anxiety and depression since before I can remember. It wasn't until a major mental breakdown 4 years ago that the flashbacks from my childhood began. My therapist (and psychiatrist) attribute all of my anxiety, depression, and hypochondria to emotional flashbacks from childhood. I basically ran away from my past by becoming a workaholic in terms of school. I've continued with therapy for the past 4 years, but I was really too consumed with my Ph.D. work to focus on anything else. Now that I am almost finished with my degree, and things have slowed down, boom... I had another breakdown about 2 months ago. The panic, hypochondria, and flashback are all there again. I spent 2 full weeks in my apartment, terrified to leave the house. This breakdown wasn't as bad as the first one because I knew what was going on (from experience and my schooling), but it was still horrible nonetheless. My therapist just started using EMDR (a technique that research has shown to be one of the most effective ways to treat PTSD), and I have already seen a great improvement. I know I'll be battling this the rest of my life. Medication (lexapro and xanax for me) has helped, but therapy is really where all of the healing is going to take place. You need to tell your story, understand it the best you can, and ultimately (and hopefully) come to except it. I have yet to reach that final stage.

I completely understand what you are going through right now. I hope that you will consider talking to someone. Your doctor is a good first place to start. He/she can then refer you to a therapist who specializes in PTSD.

All the best..

[alicat007]

I suffer from PTSD and anxiety lots of childhood neglect/abuse. Mother drank and slept around step father didn't care about me. I witness my Mom being raped. Abuse myself due to being left with strangers, etc.
Each time I have a breakdown I am put on meds but as soon as I get better I am taken off them. I think I need to be on meds for life. I am having anxiety so bad right now from stress and triggers that I don't want to leave the house. I just want to hide in my room. I get aggitated really easy now and I don't want to deal with life its just too much right now.

My daughter just moved in with me a few months ago and after her seeing me and how I act she says nothing I do is normal. That my fears of going places alone isn't the norm and that my fear of people and strangers isn't the norm.I can't even go to a car wash where someome washes my car because I feel like I am the center of attention and that ***** big time for me. I don't want anyone touching me..so massages and nails getting done are out and she thinks that is weird too. I just thought I was a little strange and slow but now I am thinking its more.
Any suggestions?

[Paxiled]

You don't have brain damage.  You have conditioned thoughts that require rewiring your brain's ingrained patterns of thinking.  Wellbutrin is great for depression, but causes anxiety in many people for the same reason it eliminated your fatigue -- it's a stimulant.  Effexor treats both, but snris and ssris can cause fatigue.  Buspar is a placebo, it does nothing, so it's showing you that you can change your own way of thinking.  

[nora006]

Hello.
I second mjbrown's opinion. Very well explained. The "brain damage" is definetely a consequence of how you had to cope with abuse and neglect as a child. A defence that was adequate at the time. The brain is "use-dependent" and will develop the way it needs to cope with stress in childhood. This can later be a problem when one is to form intimate relations with other people. The only option is to get new experiences and learn how to trust to some degreee or another, for the most part trusting yourself. It can be difficult to distinguish between the childhood feelings and NOW in the beginning.The childhood feelings; defences and dissociation will reoccur every time one comes close up to what has been generating anxiety in the past. But this is possible to overcome, with patience, love and attentive understanding for the child you once were.
The child is ALWAYS innocent and the neglect/abuse by parents is nothing more than perverse. Their responsibility for your well-being, physically as well as emotionally, they did not take seriously and therefore are the ones to blame for your "brain damage". Fortunately we are not doomed to live within the boundaries of the childhood's realm and we have a choice to confront our parents within us and learn to express our true selves and trust ourselves as the person we truly are.
I wish you the best of luck on your path of healing.

Warm regards
Nora

[mjbrown]

I'm glad that you've come to an understanding regarding the cause of your depression and anxiety. I too suffer from episodes of depression and panic that stem from a neglectful childhood. My diagnosis is post-traumatic stress disorder. I see a therapist who specializes in PTSD, and I've read tons of books and journal articles on the subject. I wouldn't say that you have "brain damage" per se. But growing up in a neglectful / abusive environment most definitely affects how your brain develops. The actual neurons of the brain get wired in a particular way to "adapt" to the childhood environment. The good news is that you can "rewire" the brain. It just takes a lot of time and patience. There is a technique that has been proven very effective in treating PTSD. It is called eye movement desensitization / reorganization (EMDR for short). Check this out and see if you can find a therapist who is trained in this technique.

Your love for animals shows what a kind and caring person you are. You are definitely not crazy... but you are not damaged either. We've all learned ways to adapt to our environments. These things have helped you survive your childhood. They are just not helpful (they are destructive) now that you have control over your life and are no longer in that environment. I think you made a huge breakthrough with your new understanding!

All the best..