It's Over!! my story hope it helps people with HIV anxiety

[plokoon81]

My Story

I was reckless and selfish and decided to have an adventure after 10 years of marriage. But i didnt wanted to have a lover or have a relationship with anyone. All i wanted was to feel young again and have a one night stand without the strings attached. I love my wife no i know more than ever and i love my son and i love the life i have built. now more than ever

so i thought hey why dont i try an escort? every one i knwo in the company that i work for always say hey busniess trips long stay in another country get an escort blah blah blah

guess what i was dumb enough to do that.

But i used a condom because i didnt want to pick anything and bring this back to my family.

sure it went ok etc ..

enter the nightmare.

soon after i gelt guilt and regret. symptoms o dear symptoms

do not please do not google symptoms because i had them all .. all the symptoms!

worst mistake ever !!!

so I just couldnt believe i had contracted an std or HIV using a condom. I started thinking hey what if she was + after all she does this for a living with who knows how many people out there.

every one said you are mad ! you used a condom , oral sex is no risk! everywhere . multiple forums , multiple GUM clinics !!! still i could not believe it .. I was sick i knew it it was my punishment for endangering my family and life. it was over i would have to pay.

so i got tested

28 day 4 weeks 4th gen duo test antigen / antibody = negative

still didnt feel well .. i must be on the window period, so i tested again

48 days 6.5 weeks 4th gen duo test antigen/antibody = negative

and still no way no how i had rash i had itch i had tender armpits i has stiff neck i had it all!!

spoke to 2 hiv experts in person and they all looked at me like i needed to go to the phsycologist or something like that and they said look 3 months is conclusive you have tested with the top of tech in testing we have to offer in the UK

we will test you at 90 days!! not because we think you had a risk but because you need this for your own mental health

as you know i got more involved in this forum waiting for this results. I tried helping other people by passing what i have learned from others and doctors and all those friends i have made from around the world .. you know who you are ! you know you are the ones that kept me sane and told me i was going to be ok.. i will never know your real names and i will never see you in person. but i want you to know i could of not made it without you.

so this brings me to today!!!

no text from the clinic and this was weird as i always get text on 14 days after the test.

so i had a major panic attack .. this is it !! i finally seroconverted. i called the clinic and they said it can take longer and no news was good news !!! bullocks so i called them again and i told them i need to speak to the doctor.

and adter all the security questions my doctor told me .. your test from the 2nd of july at 90 days

for shypillis / HIV

4th gen duo antigen/antibody is NEGATIVE!!

You dont know the weight i feel that has been lifted of my shoulders!!! my neck and my armpits and my stomach i back to normal

so what i have learned

Condoms work
Dont cheat
Dont Google for symtoms
Listen to what people tells you

and live your life as it was the last day you been granted ..

I love you all .. and i will take this experience and pass it to my friends and my son and any one who needs to be aware that safe sex is the best thing one can do

I am going to get involved in my local aids charity .. not sure what im goign to say to my wife with regards of me getting involved with the charity as she has no idea i been here. but i will figure it out

people need support and this virus needs to be eradicated from our world

[notsure12notsure]

Anxiety can be something else, the brain is an extremely powerful organ.

About 2 weeks ago I was in a club, I haven't been engaging in risky behaviors. Anyway, in the club someone walks past me and sort of uses their hand to shield our bodies from fully bumping into one another. I felt something sort of scratch my skin (but not even a real scratch). I turn and look and see that the person has their cell phone in that hand.

Somehow my mind begins to think what if I got scraped or poked with a HIV infected needle? I have no clue where this came from as I am a highly rational and logical person, however the thought impeded my mind. So I research, ALL of a sudden I feel a slight tingle in my throat and a little cough. Which are early symptoms of HIV. However, these are also symptoms of a cold, sinus problems and allergies, but I still had HIV stuck in my head.

With all the research I learn that the possibility to contract HIV from a needle stick is extremely low. Mind you, I examined my arm thoroughly after and there was no blood, I didn't even feel a needle stick, and there was not even a single scratch on my arm. ANXIETY!

Anyway fast forward to today. I thought about it after I had the tingle in throat and cough and called places today. I called the CDC info line the man said that it was extremely unlikely and provided me with statistics, I called a local place and they said they were not sure it is hard to fully know and a test is the best bet, but that if I got stuck I probably would have known. I said I will go for 2 out of 3.

So I call this place in another state. The guy was amazing I talked to him for about 12 minutes he totally reassured me that everything was fine . When I said I googled symptoms he said "Oh google, it can be a very good thing and a very bad thing. Don't google symptoms, it only causes anxiety, always start from the most common and least severe reason for your symptoms rather than thinking that your symptoms are from a severe circumstance." He provided me with abundant info concerning HIV and how it is an extremely fragile, and extremely difficult to contract (which I already knew but anxiety is something else). I told him of the one lady that said you can never fully know until testing. He responded by saying "I have been in the this field for  28 years, many individuals that speak about HIV/AIDS, even some health professionals are NOT fully knowledgeable on the topic". He went on to say "I would not tell you this information without knowledge of it.Just trust me, you are fine, your risk was non-existent. I hope you can go throughout your day better than you have started it off, and I hope I have helped. You don't need a test, however, if you are still worried go ahead and get one it will be negative. If I were you I would not be concerned at all, any symptoms you have had are simply symptoms that are NOT related to HIV at all, you are fine".

Since that conversation my anxiousness has pretty much subsided, and after typing this long essay and actually reliving the conversation it has reduced even more. As plokoon stated DO NOT GOOGLE SYMPTOMS!!!! It will drive  you crazy and cause anxiety. Stay positive and always think the best.

[ermiyas]

sorry for long story  i am 20years old university student happy smily  but this happiness got to night mare before 6 week  me and my friends drink too much some drink  in club  i met sex worker my friend supported by me hey men give vrignity in that curcamstance im stupid i dont know anything i paid to sex worker she pu me the condom swith off the ligh *** is the fist time  for me the  vagina pentration take 1 mintue  after put my penis it does nt fail or break but  suddenly i touched the condom  my aniety getting started  3 days ago  i have got have heart pounding at mid night go ti outside and crying i got drriha the next i  am worried i cant study every day crying to god to give me second chance i hate talk i hate everying  i have not future after week git clinlic tes gottest for hiv it come negative the doctir told me not to worried i have night sweet in mid y night i cant slepp i always crying searching fir internet hiv symotom have got darik spot on my tongue 1 week frim the encounter  im so scared to death i hate my self my stupidity is there chance of transmission if hiv by touching the condom  i life is over over  hell thing to in the 5 week   i got abdominal pain .wating ti test is kilng me every day  please plase pray for me God  to give me the second chance

[AnxiousNoMore]

This should be in the hiv prevention forum and since you hijacked someone else's thread you probably won't get an answer here, but you could post it there \and get an answer.

[plokoon81]

the waiting is the worst .. but as soon as you get your negative result at 3 months then it alls starts to come back to  normal.

I wont lie i still feel sick etc. but  not as bad .. think the stress and anxiety did take a toll in my body

hope you all find the light at the end of the tunnel

[Peaty01]

I had condom break with sex worker almost 4 weeks ago. Like many of you I too have a loving wife who is amazing. I told her and she's been very supportive and I will test this week. I'm not suggesting you do the same as we're all different but I had to as I was on the verge of breakdown. Scratch that - I did break down. I've been going through a mental hell and can't function. Less than week after I had bad headache and was out of sorts. I'm in a position of not being able to distinguish between anxiety and HIV symptoms. I definitely had bad headache but who's to tell if anxiety could have causes it. I'm sure it's easy enough to say yes it does but I can't accept it really. To those in fear who used protection with no issues I believe you have nothing to worry about. I myself experienced a very small tear so wasn't a catastrophic condom break but a break none the less. I didn't know what fear was until this incident and I'm living in Asia where HIV is more prominent. If I'm fortunate to come out of this ok I will view life forever different. Few minutes of pleasure is not worth this foe anything in the world. Hindsight is a wonderful thing...

[nexus2014]

Wow, reading your post was like oxygen to me. I can't agree more on what ever you have written or in the manner you have expressed. To tell you the fact, I found myself in your story. I can see that both of us have same story and alike experiences with the only difference being the timings.

However, I would like to share my story in brief as well. I am a married guy and deeply in love with my wife. I respect and adore her the most. I have always kept her at the top and given my deepest commitment towards her  romantically, professionally, emotionally and financially. I still do. Since we were in relationship to till date I have always proven to be a great boyfriend, partner and husband. We as a couple are highly rated among family and friends.

Though not very rich but still sufficient, our family life is all good filled with sweet romance and sincere support to each other. But recently I realized that we, human beings, the so called most superior among any living organisms in the planet are not always good decision makers. We live in such a complex and vulnerable environment that sometimes when the frame of mind is not precise and we develop the tendency to take weird steps forgetting our priorities. The ability to judge a situation rationally and logically just evades.

Being a 100% loyal partner, may be the guilty consciousness is a little too much for people like us to handle.  Because for the simple reason that naturally we are not inclined towards cheating anyone nor that skill is something we have always been fond of to acquire. There fore my most stupid decision a month ago to experience a paid sex has been killing me from inside like. I desperately feel like erasing that most unpleasureful sexual experience from my life. When my freinds used to talked about sleeping garound with many gorgeous ladies, it made me curious and I wondered for a while what a pleasureful feeling it would be to sleep with other women. New partner, new sexual fantacies and desires and so on. This curiosity directed me towards inviting a call girl. My bad that for two days I was alone as all of my family members were out for some reasons. And during this lonely time, the devil thoughts got boosted. Eventually I managed to hire a call girl. Till the last moment I was two minded but dont know why though reluctantly I still agreed to move ahead. There I was then inside a room with a unknown girl (young and moderately beautiful). I was feeling very awkard, as the girl started to undress herself. I could have still shut everything off and backed off. But no I did not. The girl gave me a quick ******* which was followed by protected missionary style sex. The whole act lasted for merely 10 minutes.

The moment I had came, wsa the starting point of my anxiety. Nervously I checked my condom and saw nothing leaking. Yes it was intact. The call girl was asking me if I want to go for second round, but I could not speak anything to her. I was wanted to run away from the site. Since that unpleasant moment, I have delveoped anxiety which is taking away myself from me. I think a lot about "What if" possibilities. When i see my wife, I feel very guilty and cant respond to her conversations effectively. I though of it so much that even in one my dreams I saw HIV issues. I pity myself for giving rise to such an unnecessary tension. Yes, I have many things to loose.

Not being able to handle the pressure, I thought of seeking professional help. I went to HIV testing clinic on the 12th day (too early) got negetive results. I spoke to the pshycatrist there, who in reply told me my exposure is far less riskier and I should not be thining about worse case scenarios. Those words my prematurely negetive results did give me some air to breathe. However, the anxiety has not completely gone. Consisouly I look for some unusual behaviour in my body. A red dot, rash, swollen glands, forehead temperature, stool, etc have been the only thing coming in my mind lately. It is so so frustrating phase and I have no on except only myself to blame.

The only good thing  I have learned from this phase is how much I adore and love my wife. These days my love for her have grown and I know this will conitnue to grow. I have realised the importance of prioroities. Sex outside of relationship can be a hot topic but a bad choice. There are going to be many situations in life where you get attracted to new people or get curious or just want to do it. And things like alcohol, drugs, anger, frustration make it worse. I think in such situation we just need to talk to someone, or give a minute to think and am sure after sometime the urge goes away.

But these things depends upon one's perspective towards life. I am worried yes, but i see many people around me who enjoys and takes pride in sleeping around. The not worried a bit unlike me.

lastly, I want to thank you once again ( a tight hug to you from my side ) for writing taking out time to write such an important piece of information.

God bless all!!

p/s: I will too take this responsibility to aware people about HIV/AIDS and safe sex. I dont want any other me or you to spoil their quality time in anxiety.

[Mnewbie2014]

Ashy, they definitely don't deserve it, and that's where the enormous guilt and regret feelings come from. Most of the times I get a feeling that I am going to be just fine, that the doctors know what they are talking about and that I can wait until the test day comes... but then I think about my gf and my stupid, STUPID decision and everything comes crashing down. I start feeling lost again, start thinking about "what ifs" and about an STD being my punishment for doing something wrong.

The worst part is to think about putting her in any kind of danger. That's when I start praying and cannot help but cry... I want nothing else but to be alright and to seek her forgiveness... but I know that if I tell her, first I am going to completely break her heart and second, she is going to break up with me. I just want to be with her and make her happy, as I have done so far... I don't want to pay such a high price for 30 seconds of complete stupidity.

And ThePinkFloyd, I know the condom did not fail, but I also cannot help but worry about any residual fluid that may have been left on it and that maybe accidentally touched my penis when removing it. I am uncircumcised, so that makes this situation extra-stressful for me :(

[ThePinkFloyd]

If  you wear a condom and it did not fail there is no 0.05% of getting hiv,there is no way that you can get hiv. You have nothing to worry about.

[Ashybobashy14]

Did any of you tell your partners of your infidelity? Maybe it's anxiety related and subconsciously you feel something bad will happen because you did something wrong. I can't pretend to understand you would do this to someone you love but at the same time you understand your mistake. It's not very easy to contract aids if you wore a condom, all I got to say is cherish your lady. They don't deserve infidelity and I'm sure you can make it work. Having a slight health scare puts it into perspective.

[Mnewbie2014]

Hey man, thank you very much for sharing your story. Right now, I am in the exact same situation you where some time ago. I had sex with an escort 3 weeks ago and have been regretting it ever since I pulled out of her.

I have a girlfriend, 2 years of relationship. The most lovely woman I have ever met and you have absolutely no idea of how grateful I am of being with her. But I am an idiot, a stupid selfish man and I understand it now more than ever. I want to marry her, heck I am planning on proposing to her... but now I have to wait 9 more LONG weeks before I get my conclusive negative results.

The wait is killing me each day a little more. I pray and pray and pray; I cry almost everyday and ask God and the universe to forgive me and just give me a chance of not being infected of anything, learn from this, get on with my life and make my girlfriend the happiest woman in the world.

My encounter was condom-protected. Only vaginal sex, not oral or anything else. It lasted around 30 seconds from penetration to withdrawal. Condom did not break, did not fail and did not slip off. Penetration itself was also pretty shallow; only the head (glans) entered her vagina, as far as I remember... and I remember the event everyday, trying to convince myself that I am not in any kind of danger. I was too stressed and checking constantly that the base of my penis and my thighs did not touch her skin... and they did not, as far as I remember. She had no visible sores or lesions, but I did not thoroughly inspected her.

Posts from Drs. Hansfield, Hook, Cummings and García indicate that I am in not risk whatsoever, though I have not asked them directly (forum is closed). Teak and Vance assure me that I had no risk and that I need to move on. My urologist told me that without sores at 14 days, I am in the clear for Herpes and that chance for HIV is less than 0.05% Around 7 different counselors from different clinics assure me I am at no risk, since I used a condom. I have looked for symptoms of every STD and, fortunately, I have not had ANY of them... and still I worry everyday, pray everyday, cry everyday, punish myself everyday.

I plan on having a 4th gen test at 4 weeks, 6 weeks and 12 weeks, but the wait is killing me. This was in Mexico, and I cannot find any stats or comments regarding CSWs in that country.

Sorry for the long post, but felt the need to share. Please comment on my situation, I need people to share this with.