Lack of feelings and anxiety

[UnluckyNoob]

It's a long story but I'll try to explain in a nutshell. I am 19, I am a girl and I'm in my first year of college. I used to be a very happy person, always energetic, social, smiling, etc. But one day, I suddenly woke up with no happiness left, anxiety and constant worry. It all started when I lost my feelings for my best friend (who is a guy), who I used to love very much, even though he's an internet friend (we met in real life like 3 times). Actually, he was the first person I ever loved with all my heart. I don't even know, perhaps I was in love with him, or maybe not, but we used to be REALLY, REALLY close. We would always talk sweet things, tease each other, and he always told me how much he loves me, that I am like a sister to him and he would smile and get all fuzzy and warm when talking to me. We used to spend several hours a day talking on the phone, playing online games or texting each other. I have to admit, I was always thinking about him when we were not spending our time together, I would be restless until he texted me and I was always going to sleep with him in my mind. Same for him. We were basically dedicated to each other. We never had a romantic relationship, but we consider each other "brother-sister", even though we both realise we have really strong feelings. But this isn't an issue, I never wanted a romantic relationship with him, our close friendship was wonderful and I did not expect more than that. However, about a month ago I woke up suddenly with no feelings or interest for him. I have NO IDEA how it happened and why it happened. I just...went to sleep thinking about him, smiling, and the second day when I woke up, I was totally numb. His morning texts didn't give me that "warm" feeling and I did not smile anymore when thinking about him. For him nothing changed, he was the same and he loved me with the same intensity as before. But for me the feeling just...wasn't there anymore. And I started to feel guilty as hell because he was so sweet and caring and I just couldn't love him anymore. All the guild and panic caused me a lot of stress. No day would pass without thinking about my loss of feelings and thinking about how to get them back, or how to explain to him what happened without hurting him. All that constant stress made things even worse. I started having panic attacks whenever he was texting me and I started to avoid him, thinking that it would make the situation better. Sadly, he felt ignored (and I totally understand him), and he was extremely hurt by my actions. One day he wrote me that we can't continue anymore, he is very hurt and he does not recognise me anymore, we can be simple friends but we can't be best friends, or "brother-sister" anymore. I told him we should take a break and see how things change in time. We took a break, and during that time, I could not stop crying, I had severe anxiety, panic attacks, I threw up several times, I couldn't sleep and I was tense all the time. I started to realise how much he means to me and I was always hoping he would come back to me telling me that we could be best friends again. It took him two days, after those two days he called me telling me how much he loves me, apologizing for what he's said and telling me that he will never leave me no matter what. I started to feel warm again, I started to recognise my feelings for him and I felt extremely happy because I was talking to him and things were finally fine. I went to sleep thinking about him, like in the good old days, thinking about how good it would feel to have him in my arms. I was finally happy. Then the second day, the terror strikes again: the emotional numbness returned. I could not feel that intimacy anymore when talking to him. No happiness, no desire to talk to him, no emotion. And now, thinking that this thing has been going on for one month already, I really lost all my hope and my anxiety has gotten worse. I can't stop being tense, my head hurts all the time, I have blurry vision and my right arm hurts SO BAD. I just want to bring those feelings of love back, I know that would be the solution to my issue, but I don't know how. Why is this happening to me and what can I do? :( It's driving me insane, and I cannot bear the anxiety anymore.

[Paxiled]

Sometimes this just happens.  It happened to me when I was your age, and it hurt, but life is what it is.

[UnluckyNoob]

I never had a relationship before. I never had intense feelings for anyone except him. However, what you are saying isn't really an explanation, because I met this guy in reality several times. And yeah, we hugged a lot =)  it's just that...I don't feel the same about him anymore and I can't find a reason :(

[Paxiled]

Have you ever had a relationship with a flesh and blood guy, someone you can see and touch?  You're very young and you're having an intense relationship with someone you really can't know by communicating over the internet.  And often, people realize their feelings have changed, that's why relationships end, especially with young people.  I think you should think a lot about starting therapy to figure out why, with all the flesh and blood people around you you're spending so much time on a theoretical person -- let's face it, people on the internet can be anyone.  When relationships end it hurts, more so for the person rejected, but it happens.  I don't know what your flesh and blood life has been like, but it's worth it to figure this out now.  Good luck.