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Maybe some kind of anxiety
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Maybe some kind of anxiety

Hi.
I really dunno if this is anxiety or just my imagination, but I'm extremely terrified of getting job. I've always been incredibly shy and insecure.

But I had 9 torturous years of school during which my naturally shy/insecure nature got frightened and locked up. I was a shell those years and never developed any interest in my future while everyone else bragged about and were all loved by teachers and themselves.
I felt afraid of even breathing their way so I never smiled or talked to them. I hated my classmates and badly wanted to die so I could be stopped being bullied.
But my only friend those years was my straw I kept holding to.
She made my existing passable and I felt needed.

But after it was over and graduation official part ended I just disappeared and hoped to never see those vultures again.

And my last three years was what I dreaded. This time less because it was different school and I felt like I could have a chance finally.
I did. These classmates were humans actually and I was able to slightly peek out of my shell and try some actual life, not just plain existing from day in- day out.

I lost my previous friend to some Pakistan guys but found another one. This time one I trust fully (although still not talking about emotional stuff from myself, just hers).

But now, when I'm several years past my final graduation, I'm still alone. My only friend has her own future to pursue and some bfs to play with (nope,  that's not what I need), her own studies and stuff...
Me? Nothing.
I was supposed to get into university and get some education, I was supposed to start working about now to my profession and eventually buy an apartment of small house where my family of 3 could live normally, I was supposed to earn money so we don't get thrown on streets.....

But I've got nothing of that.. Instead I sit home, dig into my phone (internet) and can't make myself to go out for job.

My first halt is doctor. I'm still emotionallly fragile (I can burst into tears at any moment) and so shy I avoid any contact other than my friend.
I've never dated, never wanted nor thought about it. I'm still virgin and plan to stay that way as long as I physically can (e.g till my death)... I am afraid to talk to people because I fear rejection and judgment (I'm poor and not really beautiful). I don't have interest in my own country nor care for many things.

I need to get that job because granny is dying and without her mom's pay won't make ends meet.
I could work.. I know a place or two...

But I need to see one doctor and get one siggy.  That's where my panic starts... I completely must avoid seeing gynecologist. I'm scared wittless from that doc. I literally have no need to see him/her if didn't need that paper... Blood tests are nothing compared to that. I'd see ten dentists if I could avoid gynecologist.

The second halting issue is my fear of human contact. I'm afraid to meet new people and every time I was about to walk into a university and try sign up I felt panicking and turned around to hide in library.
I also have lingual problem - I don't know other language my country speaks and people had been angry at me when I asked them speak in my native one (official country)


So I'm now basically being pushed into panic because I really need to get a job asap.
3 Comments Post a Comment
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6811971_tn?1385561355
Hi! It sounds like you have social anxiety. I'm not a professional. I have social anxiety myself. I can completely relate to how you feel about meeting others and getting a job. My social anxiety was worse when I was younger. I was able to overcome it and went on to university and became a professional.

I would recommend seeing a Psychiatrist about this, for sure. You would need some professional help in the beginning and perhaps some meds as well.

Talk therapy can help you with your past negative experience. You can get through this. Ultimately, forming new relationships and getting a job will help you overcome these obstacles. Don't put too much pressure on yourself and take it one step at a time.

I once dated a guy, who's sister was very shy and socially anxious. She did not date or had any friends. She was so shy that she would hide her face behind her long hair and look at the floor whenever I was around. After highschool, she got a part time job and was so afraid at first. Fast forward to twenty years later and she made a career out of that job, went on to college, got married, had a family and a circle of friends. So recovery is possible!
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1524304_tn?1326400574
Thank you for your response.

Well, I've spoken (via forum chat) with someone actually diagnosed with social anxiety and they f
had same symptoms as I do, so I decided I might be also having it. Maybe not so severe, but still at least moderate.

Unfortunately I cannot see a specialist nor afford anything.
I just must have get a job, no questions asked, no interest showed. My family has come to point where we need money immediately so I'll have no choice to just "cowboy up" and live on.

I'm truly scared. Those lost nine years are biting in my backside hard now, when I need to be the grown up of my family and help out with funeral (my granny died few days ago) arrangements.
I'll have no time to dwell on my insecurities and doubts.

Well, I'm currently having to suffice with online help, chatting and lots of creative writing (aka fanfiction) and photography.

I had been wondering about why I'm the way I am but I believe it's partially mom's fault and most definitely my dad's. He makes me feel unwanted since he obviously didn't want me. So my mom simply decided it's something I'll deal without, not realizing I needed an example so I'd know it's normal to meet people, date boys, have friends. Because mom had it all, I had only couple friends I ended up loosing anyway.
I don't like dating because I simply feel like it's something alien to me and to me the usual "in love", "dating", "bf/gf" stuff simply doesn't exist.
I never had that example from mom so obviously I've decided those things exist only on tv and other people, not me.

I now realize all that (inner psychologist, magazines and tv has shown me that) simple stuff parents are supposed to show their children so they don't turn out socially awkward, anxious and closed down like me. Because I never had much emotional display examples, relationship display. All I learned from books and tv.

Now I'm thrown into it without any actual knowledge. But my only interest will be in getting money before I can start move on with any kind of life. Sometimes I'm not shy at all. Occasionally I can sprout courage that leaves me hopeful that I'm not a lot cause.
I'll try to get some job, earn up a bit for saving and try to visit UK. I feel somewhere else I might open up to let people in before hiding away.
People here where I live aren't that open and kind, I need less hostile surroundings to try and not be so socially awkward (anxious)
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6811971_tn?1385561355
That sounds great to have a goal to get money. Also, make sure the next goal is to get some help. It will follow you. I've had some really bad people in my life , as well as some good people. I've learned to focus on the good people. This may help.

I know parental relationships (or lack thereof) can be very damaging and I know this first hand. I cannot speak for your experience. However, for me, I've come to realize that my parents are not perfect and grew up in a completely different generation than me. Sure, I could of had more love, support and encouragement from them. However, I've learned to not let it define me and move past this. Just say to yourself: " I don't need my parents approval to do this or that, etc". I've known lots of people who were confident and those who were not. They were hung up on past issues with their parents. This is hard to overcome. However, you can overcome it. My inspiration was a woman who had such a disfunctional upbringing. However, she strived and was successful at everything she did. I asked her how she could do that. She told me that she does not feel the need to seek approval from her parents. She acknowledges the fact that she is her own person and chooses to live life her way and not the way her parents want. So I tend to follow that same pattern and it has helped me in my life and relationships with my parents.

A change of scenery could very well help you. For now, keep the online help as a resource and work towards your goals. I hope this helps. Always here for support:)
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