I'm new here however I have suffered from Misophonia all of my life. I absolutely HATE gum smacking, lip smacking, tapping noises, pen clicking, sucking air through teeth, scraping utensils across the plates, and I have anxiety issues when people do these things.
Recently my husband found out that I go absolutely nuts when he does these things and I literlly want to hurt him. I don't care if it is physically or mentally. When I ask him why he does this he says he thinks it is funny to see me get mad to if I hit him it gives him an excuse to hit me back normally fist into my face or palm into my nose. He does things that makes me loose it so he can hurt me and he thinks it is a game. he tells me to ignore it or leave.
I feel like I am going nuts and need to be back on meds again. I've been having chest pains again and hands shaking. I don't want to go home but I also fear what he will do.
What a toss pot of a husband he is. Does what you hate the most to force you to react so he can hit out. Bloody whimp. Forgive me. But the kind of person I would love to see have his butt kicked for him by someone male and his own size. Now apart from how I feel about him. I am trying to understand your question? Do you want away from him and can't bring yourself to leave him? That is normal for women in an abusive realationship. More normal than you would imagine. Case only yesterday here were a woman walked free from a court after killing her abusive husband with a hammer as he slept. Not saying that is the course of action to take. Two wrongs don't make a right. Was just listening to a whole debate about this kind of stuff on the radio last night. It is no wonder you are as you are. Needing medication. It would sure put a lot of stress on your life. Not knowing what was going to happen next. Or when he was going to do anything. Both with his fists and his mind games. Hard one to call. If you go to theraphy he will probably want to know why you need theraphy. The normal rubbish people like him come out with. Flushing money down the toilet and the likes. Were theraphy would be of great help. Because you can't keep all of that bottled up inside of you. So much anger. So much hurt. It will explode some day. A doctor for sure. You have nothing to lose there. You could go without him knowing. And you are not pathetic at all. Many people stay in such relationships. Hard for others not in one to understand why. They feel like they are in the wrong too. Blame themselves for the actions of some A Hole. You are just a normal person who needs the right kind of help.
It seems like the men that I attract are abusive. I love my husband but hate the way he makes me feel. He feels that I can just ignore the things that he does and that everything will be fine however I know that this has been building up and all I want to do now is take a pot full of hot grits and dump it on his face when he is sleeping so he can't get up to come after me to hurt me.
I really want to be normal, feel normal and be able to be happy. I work two jobs so that he can have what he wants and my insurance covers all medical expenses with no out of pocket from me. I know that I definitly need help before I do hurt him permanently like I have been want to these last few months. I stress over everything and know that when I work late that he will either be off some place drinking so when I come home he is in a foul mood.
I hate some of the other things he does like he will call me up to see where I am or what I am doing but if I call him his answer is always " don't worry about what I am doing." He is just so nasty and mean sometimes so I try to give him a taste of what he puts me through. I know not always the answer however it sometimes does make me feel better to know that I might have slightly emotionally hurt him once in a very blue moon.
He makes me feel like I am a piece of crap not worth living lately but he has not always been like this so I am not sure what is going on with him. Except that I've told him that I've had enough of his drinking and I try to limit him to a 12 pack a week but he lies and sneaks the beer.
I feel like I am loosing control of myself and going nuts.
Drink involved too. Probably should have guessed that one. It is easy for him to make you feel useless. In a way to makes you feels that he is doing you a favour by been with you. If you know what I mean. That nobody else would want you. This is a normal way of going on. Normal in the mind of an abusive person. To play mind games and have full control. But the hard part for you is to try and break away from that. To see you are worth far more than he ever tells you. That you can have a life without him. He would be the one to struggle if you left tomorrow. We can see that from what you wrote. Working the jobs to support his a$$. Reality check time for him. Bring up seperation. Just to see the reaction. If it is safe to do so. I bet he will at first say that nobody else would want you. But if he imagines it is for real his tune would change quickly. He would never meet another person like you. Sadly you have been sucked in to this buying him his drink and whatever else he wants. Nobody else would put up with that crap from him or anybody. It is a cycle you have to try and break. But do so in a safe way. We don't want to see him harm you any more. But if you think you can manage without him why not go for it? You seem like a good person. Hard worker. Can manage life on your own. Not that I think you would be alone for long. I am sure a person yourself would easily meet somebody new. Who would like you for who you really are. Just a case of taking those first steps. That is if you really want to. Only you know if it is a marriage or not. Or just a routine you are both going through. Life has those times we have to accept things and make our minds up based on what we really see going on around us. Your shout. Only you can make your mind up. Check out MedHelp. There is bound to be a forum for abusive realationships or something similar. They have forums for everything here. You might meet like minded people who can offer you better advice than I ever could. I'm just going on your words. Never been involved in any sort of abusive realationship at all. I think you have to experience it to know the full gist of things first hand. Others might have that help for you. Just hope you can sort things out.
I actually threw his clothes out the other night and told him that was it for him to leave. He laughed and then told me to not threaten him with a good time. I told him that was too easy and if he didn't want to get out than I would just make him so miserable where he would decide to either change or leave. Some stupid reason in his head makes him believe that he can do what ever he wants to me and get away with everything. I told him that he does have a drinking problem and unless he wants to end up in jail or a dry out house he better straighten up.
There are a few cops that work at the second job that I have. I've talked to a few of them about what to do and was told I could court order him into a dry out rehab if needed and they would gladly come pick him up for me.
I think what else gets to him is that his whole family keeps telling him that I'm the best thing that has happened to him and without me he would have nothing. I'm also thinking he is feeling inadequate and not quite a man since I work two jobs. I know I could make it on my own considering the finances that I have coming in. My 4K versus his 1K a month. How could I make him feel like he's the man of the house when he acts worse than a 5 year old at times and throws horrible tantrums when he is not getting his way.
I know having a type of anxiety problem really doesn't help out my situation since I let it build up until I just can't take it any more and lash back out at who is hurting me.
Well time to get your house in order. You know what you want. Or seem to anyway. Now you have to take those first few steps to making those changes happens. Or it will just continue on as before. You have to do what is best for both of you. He needs help too. Having him fecked into rehab might be the best thing that ever happened to him. But he won't see that now. Only if he ever gets his act straight. But then he needs to deal with anger management as well. There is a lot of that there too. So a lot things must change. Or else you will go on living the same life. It can be hard to make that first push. Some people just seem accept things as they are. That people can never change. Be brave. Do what you have to do. For the both of your sakes.
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