My Empire of Dirt

Hi - I'm trying this again because it seems to have gotten messed up the first time.
I'm really scared because I have been having suicidal feelings.  Last weekend I nearly jumped in front of the subway.  There have been times when I have taken over the counter meds to make me sleep but the intention of suicide is still in the back of my head.  I see a therapist who does not hand out meds indiscriminantly and she knows of these suicidal feelings but she can't be around all the time to deal with my problems.

About six years ago, I suffered a number of losses, most of them beyond my control and that's when I really crashed.  Now I am facing more losses which are beyond control.  All I can say is that I HURT, emotionally and spiritually. That Trent Reznor or Johnny Cash song "Hurt" really hits home.

I'm scared I'll lose control and eventually end up commiting suicide.  Pretty much I'm isolated, have no friends, family is not emotionally supportive, nothing to look forward to except dying.  I want to do something, like work, but feel that I am too old - I'm 59  Mostly, I just hurt.  Try to take my thoughts off this loneliness, helplessness but end up crying a lot - even got to the point where it hurts to much to cry.  Maybe I don't want to commit suicide or would not be afraid of doing it but sometimes things get so overwhelming that the idea of just sleeping forever seems almost appealing.

Words are inadequate to describe suicidal feelings and/or attempts.  I don't know what to expect from this post except I really hope to to be judged, rejected or told I'm weak for having these feelings.  Scared, hurt, feeling hopeless, anxious, depressed, alone - these words are inadequate to describe what I really feel.  Also fear that someone (maybe not here) will say, "Commit suicide and make the world a better place."  I've heard that one before.

This is not self-pity or trying to get attention.  It is an almost last resort to communicate in a safe and good way with other people.

lonewolf07

[cj29]

You have definately come to the right place and you are not taking up much time.  Feelings of despair and worthlessness take a toll on us mentally, physically and spiritually.  First of all, let me just say that you are not wasting anybody's time here and are actually very strong and have a great amount of courage to post your thoughts here.  When you have these thoughts please do not act on them.  There are many forums that you can use for recovery.  If you have those feelings, dial an emergency number and seek help immediately.  We all share a common bond here, and have been through so many problems and challanges.  Please, if you need help or just someone to talk to, please do not hesitate to email me, or anyone else on this forum.

[JSGeare]

Your very articulate statement and discussion of your feelings are probably a strong indication that you are much more mentally on top of this than you imagine right now. It reads very much as an opening to a book by someone who was thinking about making their exit -and then found their way OUT, and ultimately helped other people as well.

Because of your keen self-awareness and expressive ability, I'm hoping -hoping very much- that you will continue to post here, discuss your situation and how you think it came to be (what WERE those losses?) and even lend a hand to others who suffer. I strongly suspect that your feelings may portend some important changes you will make in your life which in the end are all about peace-of-mind, self-discovery and a vibrant self-esteem. As to gettting connected, finding a communiyt, a family, a group -you've DONE that -you're here, with us.

Understood that your personal material is both highly sensitive and even in some aspects catastrophic. Therefore, you may feel free to communicate privately with anyone here who seems to "get it" about what's going on with you. Although this is not a group of professionals, there is some heap good therapy that happens here merely because people care for one another and understand one another. Your situation rings especially true because you are looking at "what its all about" in a cosmic sense of ultimate understanding. This is something we all must do, and most will do, at some point in our lives -and 59 is a pretty good boundary for it. But for many, those really big questions and issues are masked by immediate social concerns, peer group acceptance, family and relationship problems -I'm sure you know the list.

So, because you have taken it down to the bone, as it were, you are in a prime position to discuss your feelings and process of self-discovery with high credibility to all who will read and listen.

One more thing: while suicidal ideations do occur for many of us, they must be understood in the context of all the other ideations, notions, predispositions and such other carriers of messages about ourselves, others and the world around us.  Some years ago (heh, heh, I'm 59, too) there was a book called, "Been Down So Long It Looks Like Up to Me." The sum and substance was that the writer's world was shattered and he had lost hope therefore EVEYTHING -no matter how bad, was an improvement. From this, he took that the only path way WAS UP. And that meant that he could build new, from scratch, the way he wanted things to really be. And a few centuries ago a fellow named Renee Descartes deliberately threw out everything he thought he knew, and started out fresh. His first question? "How do I even know I exist?" And from that came the Summa Theologica (sp?) which has forever since been a major contribution to western thought.

Please stay in touch. You are absolutely in the right place. I seriously doubt you'll get any smart mouth replies, and if you do, I'll handle it.

[starr28]

Hi,

I was just wondering what meds you are on if any?  I know without my combo
of meds I can barely take the day to day activities of life.  I hope things improve
for you soon.  You sound like a wonderful person and I am glad you are posting
here!

best wishes,
starr28

[lonewolf07]

As far as psychotropic - mood-altering drugs - go, I take Xanax, as needed and one clonazapam before going to bed, if I need it.  I have found that a combination of meds, an antidepressant like Prozac, talk therapy with a therapist and group therapy seem to be the best combination for me.  Along with that I go to Native ceremonies (I am Native) and just let He Who Made Us take the pain.  I wish it worked all the time.

Thank you for your message.  Please contact me anytime.

lonewolf