My Life is a mess

I have never participated in boards like this before.  Am I in the right place?  My issues are immense right now.  If you can suggest a better website for me I would greatly appreciate it.

Unemployed for nearly 5 years even though I have a BS in Computer SCience.  I am 59 years old.  I have a house but I am in debt up to my eyeballs and now am out of all money except what I can steal from the equity in the house - which is a terrible idea but I have nothing else except some 401Ks which are the only thing I haven't touched.  I should sell the house but have nowhere else to go.  

All my family has passed away except my brother with whom I do not get along.  I have a great and very patient girlfriend who has a 10 year old soon.  She has been extremely patient with this situation  but the strains are beginning to show.  If I don't get a job soon I fear I will lose them and they are all that is good in my life. She lives and works an hour away.  I'd like to marry her but would you marry me now?  She is not offering her home as a place for us to live until she is sure I am stable,  employed and not a financial drain.  Don't blame her.

I feel hopeless and have self diagnosed anxiety disorder and panic attacks.  Sleepless nights, sweats, racing heart, fuzzy headedness, can't concentrate.  Embarassed to be in this position.  My last job was well paid and high level.  Now I can't get an interview - thousands of resumes and scores of networking events over 5 years and I have had maybe 3 interviews.  Tried to start a business - lost more money.

To top it off, it hasn't been a great decade - divorced in 2006, lost a lot of money there too.  Took care of my mother for 6 years while she was in her 80's.  She had a history of depression and After Dad's passing she tried an overdose.  I had her in and out of psych and regular hospitals for 6 years.  I was the only kin she had and took on her finances, meds, doctors and all else.  At the same time I balanced I high visibility, High stress job and a crumbling marriage.

I was a middle manager 6 years ago and haven't worked since.  Nobody's hiring middle managers and my skills are waning and the technology scene has changed so radically that I am now unemployable it seems.  I only have a couple months before my financial bubble completely bursts.  Just looking at a job board causes panic attacks and sweating and the attack goes on for hours. When I do apply, I hear nothing and am only left to believe that I am excluded for my age or my skills or just the plain fact that nobody wants to hire somebody who has not held a job for 5 years.

I tried meds once but they made the symptoms worse - screaming into my pillow every night.  Oh, and my insurance ***** and does not cover any mental issues, besides the deductible is $10,000 even though I am paying $500 premium per month.

Anyway, as you can see as I said my life is a mess.I have absolutely no one to talk to about any of this.  I have to hide the elephant in the room with my girlfriend because if I try to talk about what I am feeling we end up arguing and then I have a panic attack followed by 2 weeks of anxiety symptoms -  pounding heart, extremely sensitive stomach, fuzzy headed , no sleep. - nonstop - while hiding the symptoms as much as possible - going to family movies, celebrating birthdays while being completely absent and caught up in my own head.  I exercise but still you can see the strain on my face and I'm dreading the next interview as I'll probably sweat buckets and freeze up from anxiety only to be told I don't match requirements or I am Overqualified/Old.

I seriously doubt anybody read all this and even more seriously doubt there will be any advice other than see a professional  - which I can't afford anyway.

There's more but I'm sure this is enough for now.  Help - Any ideas?

[IBKleen]

Hi,

I am sorry to hear all that you are going through and pray that you get back on track real soon.

For the record, you posted in The Substance Abuse community and I did not see where you had a problem with drugs?? I reported the post and hopefully it will be moved to the correct community for you.

Hang in there and keep your chin up. there is always hope.

[IBKleen]

Hi,

I am sorry to hear all that you are going through and pray that you get back on track real soon.

For the record, you posted in The Substance Abuse community and I did not see where you had a problem with drugs?? I reported the post and hopefully it will be moved to the correct community for you.

Hang in there and keep your chin up. there is always hope.

[YesLife4Me]

I am so sorry you are experiencing such challenges in your life.   This forum here is for help with substance abuse and addiction.   If you want to copy and repost this in the anxiety forum, perhaps someone there can help you better.  I wish you the best.    

http://www.medhelp.org/forums/Anxiety/show/71

[dejavudu]

Thank you. I'm learning. Still pretty desparate for now.

[Ismene]

Hi- I just read your post and feel for you! I just had a panic attack and also have limited family I can talk to and no one was reachable by phone! I turn to these forums and actually feel better. No wonder you feel such stress- you must feel like Sisyphus (even though you've done nothing to be punished for). Life happens all of a sudden and it piles on!! I lost my mom, who I was very close to in a freak accident last march. Her middle sister died in her apt of a heart attack right after calling an ambulance. When I have panic attacks now of course that's the first thing I think of and want to go to the hospital but ride it out. My brother is a drain as well AND my boyfriend doesn't understand panic attacks either so I know that stress. Some people who have never had them just can't imagine what it's like. And I want to shake them! You have every right to stress so much- what I try to do without going through medical channels when I don't want to is to try and find a support group. I haven't actually been to one yet but I plan on it! I think talking to like minded people, or with the same affliction, really helps. And you've made the first step here.......I know pets can be expensive but even sometimes just watching my little betta fish do his thing grounds me. And sometimes I imagine conversations with my mom. Is there someone you fully feel comfortable talking to? Good luck and I hope you find a job soon- I've been unemployed for three years now and don't even know how to get back out there! Deep breaths and, something people always forget- stay hydrated! Whenever I'm dehydrated I get a panic attack.

[dejavudu]

Hi Ismene,

I'm so sorry to hear about your mother and your aunt. Sounds like she would have been a big help to you in times like you are enduring now.

Thank you for your kindness and comments.  These are the times that families are meant for but in their absence it's good to know there are people like you who understand.

Sisyphus made me chuckle a little. I do certainlyfeel like I've rolled up my share of stones to no avail. Kind of you to say I don't deserve punishment but I often feel I do. I think I deserve it because of the avoidance I have practiced now for so many years. It has hurt those around me and now I have many regrets

Only in the last couple of months have I looked myself in the mirror, trying to understand this anxiety thing. It has caused me to avoid dealing with finding a job, to avoid dealing with anxiety, panic,OCD. I had a very big ego and believed the cause of my not finding income these last 5 years was outside myself. The economy, the world, technology but not me.  I would get frustrated, then anxious but instead of learning, investigating anxiety disorder, and proactivly trying to address the root problem, I withdrew, hid, became addicted to endless hours alone on the computer,. I was succumbing to the anxiety and avoiding it by distracting myself. All the time thinking One day the economy will improve, companies will realize they need me and all will be well. I would also get anxious aboutpaying bills but as long as I had savings, I would throw more money at the anxiety and hide from it for another month.

How selfish I've been to my girlfriend and her son, burning money they could have used or we could have used to move into the same house. But i was so afraid of the anxiety that I sacrificed my own ethics to push it away from me.

I see now where anxiety popped up several earlier periods in my life. Dropping out of school (eventually finishing), messing up relationships.

Yet it was something I allowed myself to ignore . Selfishly,

So like Sisyphus I am now being punished.

Unfortunately there is no one to talk to. The few friends I have had I have ignored too long to hit them with this level of unloading my problems.

As you suggest I am trying the forums to work thru some of this. I was also thinking of calling a community health center . Another possibility is trying to talk to the psychiatrist that I worked with on my mom's problems. I have his private cell #. Maybe he can tell me if a center is good without paying him for office visits.  But he was one of those psychiatrists that just like to try med after med. Meds scare me.

Sorry to go on and on. I'm dealing with a lot of thoughts today plus another very restless night.

Trying to breathe as you say. Hope you are having a good day.