Anxiety Community
My adult son hates me!
About This Community:

This patient support community is for discussions relating to generalized anxiety, anxiety and eating, anxiety and sleeping, mood swings, panic attacks and panic disorders.

Font Size:
A
A
A
Background:
Blank
Blank
Blank
Blank Blank

My adult son hates me!

Hello, I am desperately seeking guidance that may provide me with the tools to build a better relationship with my 25 year old son.  I married at 18 and I had a very turbulent marriage for 16 yers to an alcoholic...divorced him when my son was 14...during that time I tried my best to be a good provider, mother and role model...my only son never went without anything....I was a very strict, organized and scheduled kind of mother....yes whether it was right or wrong I did punish my son for inappropriate behaviour...perhaps today being wiser I might have chose different options... I did not know anything else.  I raised my 4 younger siblings.  My husband was the good guy and I was the bad guy....
Today, I am only 46 and have been divorced for 11years...emotionally I feel like I am 80....since the time of the divorce my son has constantly alleged that I severely abused him...anyone that will listen is told this story...and it gets embellished....I have spent the last 11 years of my life desperately trying to show him that I love him, accept him and would do anything for him.....now he is cohabitating and has a one year old daughter...his current partner is a very jealous, manipulative and controlling personality...she hates me terribly and now my son is even worse than ever before....he allows her to scream and yell and disrespect me terribly....he says he supports her....the situation is very bad and unpleasant...
I have gone many times to a counsellor looking to fix whatever it is that I have caused....I just don't know what to do....anything he wants I provide for him...just recently I stopped the financial flow and all the 'taking advantage of me' behaviour....I am an educated, logical and fair minded woman...but when it comes to the relationship with my son I am a total emotional basket case....I cannot stop thinking about this situation, I have acid reflux, headaches, I am depressed and angry at the world....I want to lash out.
I try to occupy my life with warm and fulfilling activities but I cannot stop obssessing about my son and granddaughter...I don't want to go the rest of my life not having a relationship with them but more importantly having my son truly feel, think and believe in his mind that I abused him...it is tearing me apart...he will not go to counselling and now has cut off all communication.

I am only telling you the tip of the iceberg of my heartfelt story....I am hoping that someone may have some suggestions that I may employ to make my son realize he is wrong, to show I love him and build a better tomorrow and have a wonderful future.
Thank you to whomever.
Mary Lou
Related Discussions
175 Comments Post a Comment
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
This is really sad Mary Lou,  I feel your pain.  But maybe it's time you just backed off a little until things cool down or they come to there senses. I know it must tear your apart, this is your son and grandchild, but until things cool down nothing will get accomplished, just more hurt. Is he your only child?  I cant believe that he hates you. Right now he is just caught between you and his wife, that's a hard spot to be in. You are his mother and always will be, so just step back for awhile and let him think about things and I'm sure things will work out.

Good Luck Mary Lou
Blank
299889_tn?1257342977
I had some resentments and I realized my mom did the best she could with what she had to work with and what she knew.  I hope your son will realize that someday.  You, unfortunately can't change someone's attitude, they have to do it themself.  It sounds like you are enabling their behavior wth the money flow, you did stop, however, hich is the first step towards tryng to compensate for the past.  You don't needthe emotional abuse and your son is an *** for letting it happen.  Unfortunately, I feel, you need to distance yourself and allow them to sort their problems out.  They will at some point want Grandma to come help with Grandaughter. Als, they have groups called CODA, Co-Dependents annymous.  I am a big believer in self-help.  You are tryng to buy approval and it isn't working.  Be okay with yourself, you have done your duty and shwn your love as best as you can.  Perhaps your son has abandonment issues about his father. You need time to heal from the verbsl abuse.  I don't know what your punishment for your son was when he misbehaved but spankings were not unusual when I was growing up and discipling my children.  We always fear the outcome of something will not be our choosing.  All you can do is clear your side of the street by saying you were wrong and you did the best you could, that is it.  Good luck
Blank
366811_tn?1217426272
I'm glad you stopped by here, Mary Lou, and you're welcome to stay as long as you like. As long as you're here, you might as well JOIN this forum. I'll explain more about that below, but for now, let's have a look at the situation you describe. I'm assuming your 25 year old son is financially independent and NOT living with you. I'm also assuming that -even though you 2 have heap big problems- he is not burdened with a particular psychological pathology (that is, he's not a pathological liar, doesn't steal, start fires, is not heavily into booze or drugs).

Now, let's have a look at some essential points in your material:

...I was a very strict, organized and scheduled kind of mother
...I have spent the last 11 years of my life desperately trying to show
...looking to fix whatever it is that I have caused
...I cannot stop obssessing about my son and granddaughter

ML, I gotta tell you: right or wrong, good or bad and all points in between, your kid is your kid. He is going to be who he is going to be. Your job as a parent WAS to protect him, feed him give him the best educational opportunties you could, set an example of good behavior -etc. That job is over. Whether and how he reponds to you or loves you is entirely at his discretion and has little to do with anything you do now -meaning, you can't make him do or be anything -and there is nothing for you to "fix," because, odd as it may seem, nothing is really broken.

Except your heart, Mary Lou, except your heart. And that's a lot. But it is not his job to fix it, it is yours. You've taken enormous and important first strides by cutting off the gravy train, which no doubt has caused you significant guilt, but it must be done, otherwise you have the dependency still there.

I think therapy is a wonderful idea, and you should continue with it. But the first step, dear woman, is to get YOUR life back. I mean it, set aside your relationship with and access to son and granddaughter right now. Deal with YOUR side of the equation. Obsess? Why obsess? What do his abuse stories bother you? Simply because they are untrue? So what? Suppose they were true, would you feel better, then? You said "perhaps today being wiser I might have chose different options... I did not know anything else." Almost sounds like you are answering an accusation that you messed it all up because you didn't know any better. And yet, you claim to be educated. And this: " I raised my 4 younger siblings.  My husband was the good guy and I was the bad guy.... " Sounds like the difficulties of growing up became transplanted directly into the problems of marriage and parenting.

I'll bet you - I'll just bet you- that you hear a critical voice in what I'm saying, that you see me wagging a finger at you. NOT SO. I'm simply showing you what you have told us. Mary Lou, it is a jumble, layers of confused emotional material which only serve to drive you crazy -which is why you came here!

So the first step -and a step upon which ALL others depend, is to get YOU squared away. And that means loving youself really well while you work with a therapist to understand more about why you are the way you are, and learn -and really believe- that once you've done your best (the best you could at the time) that's all you can do. So, job 1 is to take care of YOU. See to that, starting right NOW.

There is also a forum for Relationships, if you'd like to check in there and see what's what. You are welcome to stay with us, because, while you may not yet have panic or anxiety -as a disorder- you sure as hell have all the ingredients! And many here know exactly what you are going through. And Fuzzy, as you can tell, is usually brimming with good advice. Read what follows for info on how to join:

One of the BEST ways to get the most out of this forum to work is to JOIN it - become a part of it. Its easy -just click the Join Link -enter some profile information about yourself -even a picture if you care to- and anything you think would help us get to know you faster and better, and you can change this material whenever you like. You will also be accessible to receive private messages when other members click the name you've given yourself -sort of a "push to talk" feature. After you've done that, spend some time just using various features of the forum. For example, to see all the posts or responses that someone has made, just click their handle, go to their profile, click Posts, and read to your heart's content. You may also enter search terms -including member names- in the search box at the upper right of your screen and the system will retrun everything matching the term(s) you entered. This INCLUDES a drug database that will give you both user posts about drugs as well as the medical information about the drug. A great way to get quick answers about therapeutic effect, side effects, interactions, etc.

One of the profile categories is your mood, which you may change anytime you like.

Along the right side of your screen is a section of Recent Activity, which not only alerts you to new posts, but new ANYTHING, including journal entries and mood. This is a way to telegraph the community at large without actually creating a separate post. Thus, if you see a friend's mood has changed while you are working on a response or post, it can alert you to send them a private message to learn more or simply let them know you're thinking of them. Likewise, if you are going to be "out," you could enter something like "off line for the night" as your mood, and people would know you're away from the forum for awhile.

If you do this kind of exploring and experimenting right away, you'll be up-to-speed quickly. If you see the message you are reading now as part of a direct response I (or anyone) has made to one of your posts, it was probably copied and pasted from this journal. I hate form letters and auto-responses as much as anyone -but I also hate forgetting to tell people what they need to know, so this is my safety-net. Consider it as part of your "Welcome" kit. So -please join and try things out.

You might also want to read my entries for the "Right Click Trick" and "When in Haste, Use Copy 'n Paste" for some other convenient time-savers.

We're glad you are here!
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
i have raised 3 children by myself never had a good paying job, but one thing you say,seems to say something to me you said and i quote my son never went without anything)maybe you gave him to much and it seems he is still holding his hand out. i see no reson for a mother to feel like you do when she has done all she can do i raised my children strict  my children did not get even sometimes what they needed as i had to buy rummage sale clothes for us on my salary we could not afford to much but i did not and would not today put up with any verbal abuse from them and they know this also i taught them to respect their elders i know that you will probably get upset with me for saying this but maybe he had things to easy my children all worked for their lunch at school and also in summer for thei school clothes if they wanted new ones my children-knew. that this was the best i could provide sometime a mother of one or even more thinks that they should just hand over what kids want i do not beleive that way i feel like i did the best i could and we were lucky to have food on the table and i was thankful for what we had if i were you i would not let him see it bothered me it seems like that is the way he gets his kicks so to speak and the girlfreind or-wife whatever if she said one word out off the way she would not be-there at all i cant see why you put up with this kind of treatment you need more respect for your self you seem to be a wonderful  caring person and the longer you let them step on you the more they are going to just tell them the free ride is over dont brood dont look back and maybe in time he will see what his mom has done but whether he does or not are you going to let this ruin your life it will if you keep looking back look forward and say i have done the best i know how and as of today i am taking control of my life if you cant say anything good to say go home and dont let him have any more money he has you on some kind of guilt trip i spanked my kids i took the phone privilage away i would not let them visit their freinds if they did not mind your son is grown let him go  when he gets older he will be sorry and if he isnt just remember it is his life now and not yours and you can not lead it for him dont interfere back away  i dont want you to think i am unfeeling  i know that you love hime but working in the medical feild i have seen a lot heard a lot i am a lot older than you but plese dont let him ruin your life. i can see in your post you dont want to let go and obsession is really a bad thing if you see you cant go forward by all means go to group therapy it seems you are letting him take control you say you are well edcucated then see what he is trying to do by leting his whatever yell at you either you put up with it or you dont i hope that he will see things right but if you dont quit thinking about him thinga are not going to get better          i wish you lots of luck and i hope you do not take offense at my comments just my feelins on the subject    jo
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
are you still watching this column i have not seen any posts from you please let us know how you are   luck  jo
Blank
Avatar_n_tn
Hi I feel for you.I'm a man.I got together with my childhood sweetheart aftermany many years.She was married and had been married twice before.Anyway she had a 5 year old son.They came as a package of course.Over the ensuing years the son hated me.I guess because he thought it was my fault his dad left and he was right.Eventually after 15 years he became an adult and we are now good friends.He matured very well and I have learned much more than I ever expected.So my advice to you is don't worry about it.You will allways be his mom and even though it may not seem like he loves you he really does and things will get better between you.It's a sure thing .It just takes time.
Blank
Avatar_n_tn
I'm 66.  My son just turned 40.  I took him away from an abusive first marriage when he was two.  We were lucky, because I met and fell in love with a man who fell in love with both me and my son.  We married when my son was three. I became a stay-at-home wife and a full-time mother.  We devoted our lives to making my son (the only child we would ever have) happy.  Wanting him always to feel important, we'd let him pick where we'd vacation.  We gave him our beautiful car (two years old) to make sure he'd be in a reliable vehicle.  We bought a new car for ourselves.  One school day, son washed his car and, without asking, took our brand new car to school; because it was raining, and he didn't want HIS car to get dirty and wet.  He smashed our new car to smithereens.  

Then, after our car was repaired, he skidded on wet grass and drove his car into the building where he worked.  Then he ran off.  My husband (his loving stepfather) paid the costs out of pocket due to just having to claim the accident with our car on our insurance.  

Due to the fact that son absolutely refused to take on any chores all the while he was growing up, there were loud arguments about his attitude.  Finally we stopped asking him, realizing it would just lead to more fighting.  

I'd clean his room, only to find he trashed it.............again.  

When the college years came, he became even mouthier, telling us he didn't have to take "this f-ing ****."  He chose an expensive college, and we paid for it.  We couldn't figure out what it was he felt he was "taking".......besides our love and generosity, which certainly didn't appear to him something for which to be grateful and respectful.  

He'd take off on a Friday night, not telling us where he'd be and not show up until the following Monday, causing us to be frantic with worry.  When we approached him about it, he refused to discuss it.  Refusing to discuss anything has been the pattern.  He hates confrontation and refuses to deal with it.  We're supposed to pretend it didn't happen, put it in the past and leave it there.............without solutions.

He finally met the girl he'd marry.  Wanting to give them a better honeymoon than they could afford, we surprised them with a week in San Francisco (we live on the east coast), plus gave them $1,000 in spending money.  THAT was their SHOWER gift.  The wedding gift we gave them made the $1,000 shower gift pale in comparison.  No, we're not wealthy...........just lead with our hearts even if it hurts our wallets.

They bought a house and wanted to borrow $1,500.  We agreed, with the promise they'd pay it back.  Son made small payments for a couple of months and then proceeded to continue buying himself extravagant luxuries and not making any attempt to pay any more of the money back.  I approached him about it.  He decided that, since his new home had central AC, and he had a wall unit AC in mint condition, he'd give us the AC to pay off the remainder of his loan, since we needed one.  We didn't feel it was a fair exchange, but we accepted it.

Son started eliminating certain holidays that had always been tradition with our family.  Telling him how hurt I was didn't serve to change his mind.  Yet when I tried to change a family tradition I didn't care for, he "reprimanded" me in a way that let me know things would be worse if we didn't respect what HE wanted.

He and his wife decided they wanted no children.  They became heavily involved in sports.  The few visits we get were obviously obligatory on their part, which made us feel like we were walking on egg shells.  When they did visit, they took over the remote, called their friends on the phone or busied themselves with their sports equipment rather than sit and visit with us.  If we dared to say anything about it, son claimed we're always looking for an argument.

Son and his wife just turned 40.  We threw a big party which ultimately ended up costing us $2,500.  They sent us an obligatory thank-you note and a floral arrangement to say thank you.  

This past Mother's Day he asked what I'd like to do.  I got about two hours of the day I requested before we found ourselves being left to walk 25 steps behind them, as they perused all the shops that interested THEM and ended up eating in a restaurant of THEIR choice.  No, they didn't pay for our dinner.

Son called the Thursday before Father's Day to ask "dad" what he'd like to do.  Dad requested a small trip but told son he realized that son also has a father-in-law to consider, so son should get back to him about the plans.  Friday son calls to ask questions about a problem he was having........mentions nothing about Father's Day.  Saturday dad calls to ask what's going on with the plans..........leaves a message, son and his wife are not home.  By Sunday morning (Father's Day), we still had heard nothing so decided to get dressed and just do our own thing.  Phone rings and daughter-in-law says "Dad called yesterday and left a message, so I'm returning his call."  Not a word about Father's Day.  By that time we had enough, so my husband and I laced into them about being thoughtless.  Things got louder and louder until son finally said, "Do you want to argue or do you want to go?!?!"  At that point, my husband said he wouldn't be able to put himself in the mood to enjoy any kind of day with them.  Everyone hung up.  

We've not seen son or his wife since May (Mother's Day).  There's been no communication.  We know this is son's way of ending any relationship we had.  

I cannot call him, because my logic (which I usually cast aside because my love for him takes over) tells me I'll just be enabling him to carry on with the emotional abuse he causes us.  If I don't call him, I realize I've lost my only child.  So I sit as piece-by-piece I die a little each day, swollen-eyed from crying.  

How can he recall the past and come up with anything resembling a bad upbringing?  My husband and I went without so many things.  We sacrificed ourselves in order never to sacrifice HIM.  I've prayed, but my prayers seem to go unanswered.  So, here I sit mourning a son who's still alive but has gone out of our lives as surely as if his life had been taken.  How is it possible to have given so much of yourself to a person and yet have failed so miserably?   I'm so very, very sad.
Blank
Avatar_m_tn
wow iam very sorry for the way you've been treated. But u should realize that its not you to blame. If you believe that you did the best you could then thats all there is to it. And remeember that family is not the only form of socialization a person gets. There are many secondary peer groups that shape a person through their life time and the person being socialized chooses the best percpective of the world for them. What i really think is that hes just spoiled, with love and money and is very selfish probably from being an only child. He has taken what u gave him for granted, but i think that the universe will balance itself out and you jsut gotta be patient.
Blank
Avatar_n_tn
Thank you for your response.  There still has been no communication.  I continue to mourn, and I'm sure he's too busy having fun to give me or my husband a second thought.  As for patience, I've come to the conclusion that a situation like this can destroy a mother whose whole life has been dedicated to making sure her son never had to question how much he was loved and wanted.  My husband and I thought we were demonstrating that we did things for him because that's what you do for those you love.  You GIVE all the love and help you can.  But that doesn't seem to be what son learned at all.  Instead of learning the traits of giving and loving from us, he appears to have focused on the RECEIVING part.  I honestly always believed that it's okay to give a child "stuff," as long as you nurture that child with an abundance of love and understanding, also.  We've ALWAYS been there for him, through thick and thin.  How he can cast aside the two people who loved him most in the world and did the most for him is something I'll never understand.   My husband loved him and did more for him than many biological fathers do.  He didn't HAVE to take on this responsibility, but he did because of his love for both my son and me.  I can't begin to tell you how hurt he is.
I hope you're right about the universe balancing itself out.  I hope I live to see it.

Rejected
Blank
458072_tn?1291418786
It seems the better you are to the kids, the worse they treat you. The worse you treat them, the better they are to you.

Gotta have God in the picture. Can't please everyone, have to do what is right. That is so hard as parents because we want to please our kids and give them so much, but that is not good for them. As these examples prove.
Blank
458072_tn?1291418786
I just had another thought, you can not have a relationship with someone, just because you want to. They have to want to as well. Until he comes to this point, try to find some kind of outlet to help ease the pain.

I am so sorry you are having to have this kind of pain. But you will come out stronger....if you believe.
Blank
Avatar_n_tn
Thank you, peggy.  My son has always been my heart, no matter how old he gets.  I have no idea what fills in the void once your heart is trampled on by your own flesh and blood.
Blank
458072_tn?1291418786
I can't imagine the pain you are feeling, but do you think your son has put his life on hold? do you think he is miserable?  Is is sitting around somewhere writing about how miserable he is without you? I don't say that to upset you but to get you to see the truth in this, for your own health. This kind of ongoing emtional upset will cause you physical harm and then when he does come back, you won't be able to enjoy the restored relationship because of emotional induced illness.

I only say this because I hope an pray wellness and wholeness for you.

I heard someone say that when these things happen we have to go on. Give yourself a time line to grieve in and then try to begin living again. It sounds like this is something that might help in your situation.

Blank
460185_tn?1326081372
I have been estranged from my younger daughter for six or seven years. I has been agonizing because I know I have no control over what she does.

However, I did find a website for parents of estranged adult children.  It's good website and they seem to manage to keep the lurker and phoneys out.  If anyone wants the contact information, please just ask.  It has helped me hang onto my sanity.


Blank
Avatar_n_tn
Knowing my son, there's no way he's put his life on hold or is thinking about how miserable he is without me.  He's much too self-centered to waste time missing me or my husband.  If he were that miserable, he wouldn't allow this to continue.  I've always given in, but I can't let that happen again, no matter how miserable I may feel.  I'm trying, peggy.  I'm really trying.  It's still a very open wound.  I'm hoping and praying time will close the wound and allow it to heal..........with or without my son in my life.
Blank
Avatar_n_tn
I feel your pain, lonewolf.  I, for one, would like you to post a link to the website for parents of estranged children.  Thank you.
Blank
Avatar_m_tn
I am so sorry that you are all going through this most horrible type of rejection. But I am so glad to have found this site where others will undertand my heartache. I have been going through this for many years....and I thought I was all alone.  I thought this was so awful that surely no other mother could possibly be going through what I am going through. I have heard many stories about sons and daughters who mistreat their parents, which is bad enough. But I never hear about any, like mine and some others on this board, where grown children just completely cut their parents out of their lives, literally disown them, without any ligitimate reason at all. I do know that we live in a generation that has an extreme sense of entitlement and very little, if any, respect, honor, or character. But, even so, it seems that even mothers who weren't the best to their kids, even mothers who abused and abandoned still have some sort of relationship with them when they are grown. I see this all of the time.  I can't bare the shame of telling anyone that two of my adult children have not spoken to me in several years, and that I have never even seen my grandchildren.  Anybody who hears this would have to believe that I was a horrible mother and that now I am getting my just punishment. Truly, there is no other logical explanation.  I myself would draw that conclusion if I heard my own story. From the bottom of my heart I wish this were the case, because then at least I would understand, it would actually make some sense. I am not perfect, but I was totally devoted to my children. I expressed love to them continually, spent time with them, helped them learn and grow, always knew where they were and was available to them, did all that I could to give them a happy and enjoyable childhood, and lived my life morraly before them. I felt blessed to be a mother and took the responsibility of shaping the lives that were entrusted to me very seriously. Unfortunatley, I could only do my part, and could not replace their father who was emotionally absent from both me and our children. For over 30 years I  thought I was doing the right thing by sacrificing my own happiness in a loveless marriage and trying to stay together for their sake. We made it until they were grown and then divorced. I wonder now if it was the wrong decision to try and keep an unhappy marriage together, and if this set the stage for what was to come.  I have grieved the death of loved ones, parents, a husband, and others. This rejection from my grown children is a grief just as painful as a death, except it never ends because my sons are very much alive and apparently happily living their lives, and the "death" that I grieve is their relationship to me. I have asked God, is there a lesson I need to learn from this so that it can end, is there a work You want me to do so some good can come out of this, but no answers have come.  I am a Christian and I do trust God and I know there is a purpose in everything.  I just wish I could find a way to live again unshackled by this heartache. I hate thinking that I will live the rest of my days in this dark and dreary prison that has become my secret life.  I dread Mother's Day year after year after year, hearing others talking about their grandchildren and hiding the fact that I have two grandchildren but have never seen them.  I can't forget the beautiful innocent babies that I rocked to sleep and sang lullubys to. I can't forget the little boys who climbed into my lap, held onto my hand as if I was their whole world, and told me how much they loved me. I know children grow up and venture out into their own lives and we become less important. But how can my sons forget all about me and put me so completely out of their lives this easily?
Blank
458072_tn?1291418786
Cmarie, your words, your sorrow, your pain,

My prayers are with you that God will sustain you and give you His grace and mercy to endure........

My prayers are with your sons, that they will have their eyes opened to the truth and make amends with you, while there is still time. Both for your sake as well as for their own.

Blank
Avatar_n_tn
I have trouble with my 17 year old son hating me because he says I play favorites and give his older brother (23) everything and him nothing. His brother of course does the right thing, good grades, college, very respectful, never in trouble, works, helps whenever I ask and earned rewards accordingly, like a car for graduation and insurance, a phone, computer, etc. He of course is not perfect but I feel, has earned everything he has gotten. My 17 year old however is ALWAYS fighting the system, hating the rules everywhere, in trouble with police, hated school and has wanted his own way all his life. He disrespects me and says he doesn't care if he lives or dies, he wont be around long anyway, is very impulsive because of adhd, gets in trouble at school, crashed  my truck twice, swears and smokes at school, etc. and tries all the time to hurt me with his words. Because of this he does not drive anymore or have a phone. I understand all children are different and have different intelligent levels but you can't give one who breaks the rules the same as one who follows the rules, it wouldn't be fair to the one who follows the rules would it? His father pasted away 5 years ago and I believe this is a lot of the problem but he has always been strong willed, rebelious and wanted his own way. As mothers we rack our brains 24/7 trying to solve the problems we have with our children and reading all the problems everyone here are having makes me realize that I and maybe you  need to  make the first move for our sanity and try to make an appointment with them, at their convenience,  sit them down and ask them how we can make this situation between us better. I will tell him I am sorry for whatever I have done but I want a truce and I want to start over and I love him and ask him what would need to be done to make us have a relationship again. Hopefully I can calmly talk to him and find out what in the heck is wrong with us and what we can do to make it better. I am a christian and I have God in my life but I am tired of sitting around feeling bad when I have done the best I can. I dont want to be sad about this the rest of my life. I have two sons and one is fine so I must have done something right. Hopefully  we can come up with an answer. Seeya  Heidi
Blank
397539_tn?1233261697
I do feel your pain, because im going through the same thing almost, except its the other way around..  My mother is doing the same to me...  Im 24, married with one son of my own, 2 stepkids (mykids), and a wonderful life with my family..  but my mother will have nothing to do with me.   I had my son when I was 17 and once me and his father broke up, mymother got with my son's dad's father ( my son's grandpa) which is sick, but I dont have anything to do with it..  well after that we lost our house my mother and I got and my son's father went to jail for his stupidity...  so my mother and her b/f went and lived in an RV, with no place for me to go.. ( we lost our house because my mother couldnt afford her sorry b/f and bills, plus took my money when I worked, and my childsupport at the time) anyways I went and lived w/ my grandparents where I became a better person... since I dropped out of school, I went and got my GED, went to college, and got a job..   anyways to make a long story short... its been 5 yrs...and anytime I go to court...my mother is on their side...  well its gotten worse... she is manipulating my son by tellin him lies (he is 7) saying its my fault for anything that is wrong...   also she still doesnt want anything to do with me...  so all I can suggest is take a day at a time...  its really hard...  and there isnt anything we can do...  but wait ...  which is hard...  also therapy is good too...  
I hope everything works out!  

Autum
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
Hello, I feel for you. Your story is exactly like mine. But mine just started (or so I thought) just a few days ago. My son is 22 and still living at home. He quit school and has had several dead-end jobs for the past year, going out with his friends and not seeing him for 2-3 days. We informed him the other day that he has 30 days to move out and the financial help stops now. He responded with a 3-page letter telling us what horrible parents we were and how we "forced" him to go to summer school, take swimming lessons, etc. etc. in order to get him away from us. Of course, this letter was filled with dozens of curse words. The letter was completely about him and convenetly left out all the good things that has happened in his life. I have always lived my life for him. I was older when I had him and he was really a miracle baby. I have racked my brain about what we did wrong and I can only come up with, we both worked full time and his grandmother took care of him every day. I have been crying every night and I tell myself that I shouldn't feel guilty and I have to just leave him alone and maybe someday he will come to the realization that we weren't so bad after all.  I hope things have improved for you and I hope they do for me also.  Please take care and write to me if you'd like.
Blank
Avatar_m_tn
well i think everyone has said what can be said. i find it interesting you came to this particular forum. i believe all the things you've said. it's only one side of a very complex situation, though. i don't say that to be rude...but what i'm getting at is my mom and brother are in the same situation. he completely disrespects her and always has. i think he hates her. yet, he'll always go to her first for money. fortunately for my mom she has 2 other kids who do care a lot about her...which is myself and my sister. my point is that while my whole immediate family knows that my brother is "different"...and my mom is fully aware of it...it's possible that if i were ever to get my brother to actually talk about why he is the way he is...he may give me an entirely different perspective, even though his behavior still couldn't be considered acceptable. i won't give you my whole story...it would be a novel....but i will say you aren't alone. my brother really isn't my brother anymore to me...and i can only imagine how things must be for my mom. the only solution we ever came up with is to simply let him be him. now that he's older, i think he's finally starting to see the consequences of how he's treated others. he hasn't seen his family in over 3 years. this is not the solution you want, and i know that. you want to make everything better. we have never found a way to do that...and my family has tried. i don't know how similar your situation is, but i do know we've had to simply move on. sometimes the best thing for us as humans is simply to appreciate the relationships that we actually have and build on those rather than dwell on relationships that don't exist or can not be repaired.  again i don't know the entire situation and i wouldn't tell you to give up...but i am saying that you can't force something like that to work right.

in any event...i don't know that anything i've said has been of help, but i do wish you the best of luck. if you can't fix what you are wanting to fix...the best thing to do is not to let it consume you. you have to eventually let it go otherwise you can't be happy. and it's a good idea to keep seeing a psych. hope you find a solution to your problem.
Blank
Avatar_n_tn
maybe you all can help me?
I think that I can handle this world for about 1 more week.
I lost my 2nd son when I divorced my 1st husband... I understood.. .he thought he was going with the money... he was always looking out for himself and needed the best... NO Biggie...
I lost my daughter 6 years ago... she did not like my house rules... she called the police on me twice claiming abuse... (No Way)... the 3rd time was the charm... I was handcuffed.. fingerprinted... and jailed for 49 hours...  NOT guilty... It cost me $5,000 to be proved innocent before a judge.  The night she sent me to jail... she told my neighbor 2 things... 1) I hope she finds a girfriend in there... 2) I have her credit cards and I am going shopping....

Now I have lost my 31 year old son... he is a Dr.   and Yes... I put him through school...  

Here is what happened... and I want anyone out there to chastize me... I know I did wrong...

I was asked to babysit my 2/2month year old grandchild for the 2nd time in her life...  (I am the B grandparent)...  my son's in-laws are wealthy... and I am not...  I am the Black Sheep in his life...  (yet I was good enough to raise him)

Anyway... as I was sitting... the phone rang... I looked for paper... I saw one in the basket by the phone... as I turned it over to see if it was OK to write on...I noticed it was a reciept from the Goodwill... I was shooked...

GoodWill!!!... as I read the list it seemed familiar...  IT was a list of everything I had given my son, his wife, and my grand-daughter for Xmas 2 weeks ago...  WOW!

2 weeks ago it got to me... I called my son and said first... I am embarassed that I saw the list.. I was not snooping...  but I was hurt... what is the deal?  

At first he acted like he had no idea... and we ended the call...

2 minutes later he called me back and this is what he said...

"I dare you... no I ******* dare you... call me at this hour (9:10PM), my child was asleep, my wife... no, my pregnant wife was asleep...  Don't ever call this number again... I never want to see you again...

And your grand-daughter... you will never see her again... and Your grand-daughter to be born... You will never lay eyes on her...

AND... when you die...NONE of your kids will be at your funeral... because WE all HATE you...

and he hung up...

2 weeks and 2 days...

WHAT DO I DO???????????

Blank
Avatar_n_tn
Are you aware that you always marry what is familiar?  You married your alcholic husband because one of your parents was an alcholic.  If you weren't raised with an alcholic, when you were dating your husband you would have said, "I'm outta here."  but you were desensitized to that kind of behavior because you were raised with it.  Everyone on the plantet marry's what is familiar.  Your son married a controling wife because YOU were controling.  He was desensitized to controling behavior.  That's why, when his girlfriend started controling him, it didn't feel strange to him.  He didn't say, "I'm not putting up with that."  So, now you can't stand his wife because she's controling.  Yet, it's your fault in the first place that he married someone like her.  Also, your son was raised with a controling mother and an alcholic father.  He is going to have some serious emotional problems as a result.  None of which are his fault.  You need to make peace with his wife whatever the cost.  You will never have a good relationship with your son until he sees you being kind and loving to his wife.  When your ready to have your son back in your life, your going to need to humble yourself and go to his wife and apologize for anything and everything you ever said or did to hurt her.  And DO NOT bring up anything SHE did.  Make it all about you, not her.  And stop trying to control your son.  Your still doing it because you said you cut him off from all money from you.  That's how your controling him.  You must stop it!  When he does anything that you don't approve of, you need to tell him in a loving way, but not give him advice.  He's a grown man.  He needs your support and your encouragment and your sympathy.  He and his wife DO NOT want/need your advice.  So, if he does something you don't like and he tells you, all you should say is, "Honey, I don't approve of that and you know it.  But I love you and I'll always be here for you no matter what you do."  Not, "If you do that I'll stop giving you money."  Or, "I think that's wrong.  You should do this instead."  Remember, everything in the world responds to love.  Plants, animals, and especially people.  
Blank
Avatar_n_tn
I think I can help you.  Not only is my husband a psychologist, but we went through something very simular when we were young.  (I'm am now 47)  I was the very, very, controlling girl friend who lived with him (I am no longer controlling at all), his mother hated me (he was her only son) and she too was married to an alcholic, but at that time divorced from him, and a very controlling woman herself.  And my husband (who was my live-in boyfriend at the time) became totally estranged from his mom for 5 years.  Feel free to write to me hon, I think I can help you.
Blank
Avatar_n_tn
I sorry for your situation.  I'm 44 yrs old and I have a 22 yr old son who today told me to leave him alone and that I'm a liar.  He's my only son and like you I try to give him everything w/thin my power.  As I grew up w/ an abusive and controlling mother I try to be different w/ my son.  Only it came back to slap me in the face.  My mother I believe uses him to either continue to control me or to just use him against me.  Either way after reading these posts I understand that I need to let go and let it be.  I know I was a good mother, I never let a day end w/out telling him I loved him.  I was there for whatever he needed.  I can't figure out what I did wrong, but I do realize I gave him too much w/out having to work for it and he took advantage.  I will not give him anymore of my life.  Enough, it's sad for him that he will miss out on what a really great person I am.  I believe that I really didn't do anything wrong but just love him too much, if that's a bad thing.  I refuse to give into his game and manipulations.  I pray for him that God takes care of him.  But I refuse to enter into any guilt trips my mother already did that job when I was youger and it took me a while to learn to love myself I won't be brought down again.  I believe certain people in our lives mistake our love for them as a weakness and try to use it against us by making us feel guilty.  Don't give in, give love but not at the expense of your own.l  It's time you were loved for who you are and for the love you have given to them.  Don't be controlled, even if it's the person that you most love, your own child.
Blank
Avatar_n_tn
Thanks for this website. I dont know if I am ready to post my story but will say that the comment about "I have no idea what fills in the void once your heart is trampled on by your own flesh and blood." really hit home. I could not have described my feelings any better than that. I am a single father of an adopted boy. Not flesh and blood but I loved him the same. Anyway the comments/suggestions have helped me some. I will try to use some of the help. Maybe some day soon I will be ready to post my story. Believe me it is a good one.
Blank
963409_tn?1247179711
I know xactly how you feel. I to am the mother of a foul mouth 27yr old son,with no job,he's angry all the time,has tantrums such as hitting himmself in the head when i won't give into what ever it is he wants. My husband doesn't want to hear anything about the older kids when he gets from work,so i have to act as if nothings wrong in order to keep the piece,for everyone younger in the house hold. I have no idea what happened with my son after he turned 18.The only medical problem is asthma since birth.Good boy growing up,needed very few *** whippens during his baby to addult years.Was a good kid,smart,still smart,but for somereason has turned on me, "yes my 1st born son" who is a gemini.He doesn't have anywhere to stay so i let him stay on the couch with a few simple rules which he agreed to. Soon as his dad leaves for work hear comes dr.jeckyll & hide. He likes you to listen to him but he doesn't want to listen to you,everything he says is right,everything i say is wrong. Mothers can tell when their child is lying"well, my 27 yr old gets mad when i tell him he's lying,i tell him when he tries the reverse psycology **** on me,then he tries the boys in the hood ****,never had a dad,lived on his own,got *** whippens 24/7,never gave him no money for school,all kinds of crazy bull **** he tries to get his girlfriend to believe. I have now just stopped talking to him because it was creating lots of anger & tension on my end since i have no-one to talk to.Moms for some reason ALLWAYS,ALLWAYS gets the blame for their adult mistakes they choose to make. I have also stopped saying anything to my 2 yr old granddaughter,"as my son & his girlfriend/wife to be has now requested that me"the grandmother"aka"mamasita sounds better for me,lol" I & the aunt & uncles can't tell my granddaughter! No don't tell me to shut up- we must ignore the 2 yr old so she'll stop saying shut-up. I can't tell her to hold the railing while walking down the stairs, because she allready nows how to waalk down the steps without holding on. Any automatic grandmother responces that come from my mouth"as taught to me by my mom" are now all wrong,although i raised all 5 of my kids the way i was bought up. Both my parents & brother are dead,so i am left with no family to talk to. My husband is the one with the huge family,but i can't talk to them about my husband/their baby brother. So i have decided to take my 2 remaining children who are still school aged 11 & 14 and move out of the home to somewhere quiet & a place where my kids caan have friends & attend a good school. My present home can continued to be occupied by my husband,and 3 older sons,i'll just take the last 2 untill they graduate.This saying is true" the more you love your kids the more they hurt you".Now my answer to him is allways no,no,no,no,but honestly as a mother i just can't sit by and watch his life get worse, so i wanna move.out of site out of mind,so to speak.can't turn back the clock,can't put him back in the womb,no more redo's,it's his life,and his soul,but i can't watch it happen as he is and allways will be my 1st born son. I have Number 1,2,3,4,sons & my 1 and only daughter who is the baby/youngest in my family,but for my sanity it's best for me to get the hell out of hear.just tryn to figure out how,and where to start as i'm 45 yrs old and have allways been a homemaker.I'll figure it out i guess.I would rather leave than end up killing my 1st  born son,and that's the way he's been tryn to push all the correct buttons to **** me off,so i stay in my room only comming out to cook for the younger 2 & wash their clothes,and sit on front porch. He has no problem asking for money,but gets mad when i say no,and it took me a long time before i could start telling my oldest son,NO! but finally i can.
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
My older son truly wanted to be an only child.  I did not know this.  I gave him a brother because should I die, they would have each other.  They are friends with each other, but not tight like I had hoped they would be.  The older son has never met his baby nephew, eventhough they don't live far apart.  I am appalled by his behavior and attitude.  I am well aware, though it has never been mentioned, that my younger son is hurt by this.

We did not give our children everything they wanted.  We took care of the things that they needed in life.  I did the best I possibly could to show my children how much I loved and cared about them.  When my older son made a statement about something in his childhood that was very hard on him, I was aware that I should have done some things differently.  But it happened.  All I was able to answer to him was, "Yes, I can see this was very hard for you then.  I am sorry.  I should have done things differently.  There were a lot of things I should have done differently, but I did the best I could do with what I had to work with at that time."  I know that always, my children's health and welfare were my number one concern.  I did everything I could to give them happiness in their childhoods.  But I always knew the older child needed "something" that I just could never accomplish to give him, that brought him that happiness.  I still don't know what it is.  Our children are all grown, educated, and into careers of their choice and doing well.  This was our goals for them.  But then it was our job to cut the apron strings and set our butterflies free.  I love my children very much and I do everything I can to visit them, be it in their living areas, or meeting them on their travels for a day or so.  I email them, and call them and they do the same in return.
But I knew it was a risk, that I could lose my children once they moved on with their own busy lives.  I don't make any demands on them and I would never attack their wives like some mother in laws are guilty of.  I love and greatly miss the grandchildren, being that my husband refuses to move.  I am missing out on their lives, and the plan my husband had once promised me but broke.
I could sit around and obsess about this all the time.  But what good would this do me?  I still have a life to live.  I just am shifting my gears to a new stage in life.  It is time to travel, to persue my own hobbies and interests and get involved in the community and in meeting and making new friends.
When I read how you gave your son all this money, you may believe it was the way to show your love and caring for your son.  But maybe he interpeted the money given to him as more like you don't think he is capable of providing for himself, and feels indignant that he is still treated like a child.  You have had trouble cutting those apron strings and setting your butterfly free.  So he ran away, angry.  He needed to face consequenses for his accident.  He needed to have to work to afford his first car.  He needed to face consequences for neglecting his home chores, breaking curfew, for leaving the scene of the accident.  He needed to have his butt kicked by the law and by you both.  He needed to clean up his own messes.  When you take away those consequences by helping him instead, he probably got the message you didn't have confidence in his ability to take care of things himself.  Respect is something earned, not demanded or assumed it is owed to you just because society says it.  Your son's behavior is his only way he knows of telling you something was always wrong.  He doesn't know how to say it, maybe he doesn't even know what is bothering him.  
I am not saying in the least that you and your husband have been poor parents.  Overindulging, yes.  But you too were doing the very best you knew how with all you had to work with at that time.  He indeed was loved !!!
It is time for you to shift your gears into a new stage of your lives.  Concentrate on you both doing things you enjoy, and being active in your  community, church, or Organizations.  Broaden your lives by meeting new people and living your lives with quality and happiness.  I am not saying to forget your son.  I am saying that you both need to live your lives in a new direction, for you to enjoy happiness.  Allow your son his freedom to live his own life.  When he feels he is truly free, he may come back to you.  You can't smother him anymore.  He is grown and an adult.  One day he will realize it, lose that anger with maturity, and maybe return.  But if he doesn't , you and your husband have moved ahead with your lives and are living your days to their fullest and most rewarding for you now.  You now enjoy each other and expand your lives to include others, on their own terms.  You can write him letters about all the new things, people, and places you are going & nothing about how you miss him and want him back.  Give him his space.  But keep an avenue of communications open and undemanding, and unguilt provoking.  Let him come to you on his own terms. I wish you all well and lots of happiness in your new vertures in life.   Kathy
Blank
Avatar_n_tn
Sorry to hear you did your best and your child doesn't deem it good enough.

My son is the same- 17, 18 in 7 weeks after his birthday I will tell him to leave. He's rude, argumentative and lazy and disrespectful non stop.



Blank
Avatar_n_tn
  Delete  |   Reported Report this
Spam
AbuseRejected: You are a great mom!
Sent by paxxto less than a minute ago
Dear Rejected,

I like what you write to people on this blog.  You seem to have a loving way not only to your son but to others.  I want to share my story so you see that even if we feel ours sons have died even if they are wandering wreaklessly in the world, there are things we can do to aliviate the pain and move somewhat forward.

Here is my story:

Tonight I just walked my son off my life after an incident last nite when he became violent and throw me against furniture.  I called 911 and police came and handcuffed him (a vision that will follow me the rest of my life).

Just as you say you love your son, I adore my son and now that he is gone I have to love him more.  This is not the first time I lose a child.  I lost my little baby girl prior to my son coming to this world.  Therefore, I consider him my miracle baby.  Left his father and my home in a 911 call because his father was very abusive.  At the time I had a very successful career that I had since I was 19 y/old and that literally stopped so I could completely dedicate my life to help my son live a good life.  Never remarried because it took me years to erase the bad taste of such abusive relationship.  I was a good example for my son.  Don't smoke, nor drink, nor drugs nor even fooling around (boring ha?) but I loved being that way!  I discipline without yelling at him or putting him down.

I gained custody after my son was 1 y/old but he continued to see his father every weekend. Very much like you I had a mother who was extremely abusive.  I promised to God when I became a mom I would not even raise a hand to my kids, nor yell at them, put them down.  Instead I promise to love him, tell him what huge miracle he is in my life, and send him to the world with a great outlook of live.  Sometimes I gave him lots but sometimes I did not.  And I did the same for his friends when they come over all the time.

Most times I was extremely supportive, went to all of his bktball games, celebrated school awards ceremonies (He was an A+ honor student prior to quiting college.)  I read to him every nite and we talked even if I was exhausted, in spite I worked three jobs  - 2 from home)  He saw me teaching Art Classes in our home to kids his age all the time.  I exposed him to people like me, no vices at all, very simple up-bringing.  Taught him to love himself and others and to do something for those less fortunate. He saw me volunteering, helping world causes, etc.

Now he is on his path to self destruction.  His first year of college he started destroying what me, I as a single mom spend so long to build for him.  He came back home this summer after losing it all.  He said he needed a place to crash until he gets back on his feet and that in 6 months he would go back to college.  (He got a grant to covered college fully)  

He showed to me he was responsible with his job and even returned to his girlfriend from highschool who I also love very much.  Yet, in these past three months he's become agresive, he appears to be entitled to everything whether is his or not.  His vocabulary has changed to no common words, just cussing.

When we had the incident, and the police talked to him, the cop came back inside the house and said to me: "Your son needs to go to jail.  He does not know boundaries, he feels entitlement and have nothing but hatred towards you.  He said he wouldn't mind if you were dead. "

It is so hard to hear that from someone who is trying to help.  The cop continued: " He is so into himself, he's cold, calculating and extremelly manipulative.  He has not respect for authorithy at all.  You need to press charges.   If you don't we have to walk him off your home tonight."

Of course I did not press charges because I knew he had a job interview the next morning to a better job and with a jail record he would not get it.  Yet, I had to stopped myself from crying and decided to send him out of home with no money, no food and no place to live.

I've been crying ever since.  I cannot sleep, not eat, nor even think rationally, yet, I decided to come into the blog and check and share with other parents why I feel.  If I could not be helped at least I could help someone else with my story.  It has been hard because I have noone in this world.  The only family I have lives in another country and we are not in touch.  I have few friends but unless they are going through the same thing they preferred to walk away because it's all too depressing or they do not know what to say.

I guess I do not feel guilty, I feel horribly sad!!!  I have once again lost another child, although this time not to God but to the world of self destruction.  So I pray that he is well.  I pray that he eats.  I pray he turns his life around and goes back to college.  I pray that he will continue with his girlfriend who is such good girl.  I pray that life will give him opportunities to succeed.  And although I would love him to call me and say I'm sorry and I miss you mom, I know that is not realistic, and would not happen anytime soon.

So I have to go on with my life as I did when I lost my little girl.  With a giant hole inside me that cannot be filled again.  I just have to remember all the great things we shared.  Same with my son.  I have to believe that what I did for him he will use to have a life of decency and love for others whether he comes back to me or not.

I will sorround myself with memories of what we shared with laughts and love; the times we play basketball and drove together to the gym; the times that he said he needed to talk to me and I just listened without judgement.

And I do not think he is a bad man or a mean person. He is just a lost soul in a limbo with no way out at this moment.  

Well, Rejected, wherever you are today... just remember you were and continue to be a good mom even if your kids are not there physically.  As good moms we are, we just pray, wait for a miracle but keep busy with so much to do in this world and so many others that would need us as much.  

Maybe God made us moms so that one day our sons during a turning point in their lives remember what we did so they can straight their lives up easily.  Do not give up though, because if we give up we might never know if they decide to come back one day with love and care.  We can only dream that what we did for them will pay off with their return that they made it in their lives.

Still Rejected, it is so hard to lose them, ins't it?  There are not enough daily tears, not enough sorrows or moments of dispair because what we do not know about them anymore.  Yet, let's concentrate on the joys we gave them once, and the times we held them close to our chest so they would not be scared.  

Let's God take care of them and we take care of ourselves to be prepare just in case they come back.  God bless you Rejected for your writing.  You made me stopped crying to read your blog and join to write this message to you!  So thank you for helping stop crying even for the duration that took to write my email to you!
Blank
Avatar_n_tn
All these sad stories about real lives and how your blood would treat you after raising them, sacrificing for them, loving them.  I've seen this hatred too, my brother hates our mother.  He loathes each word she says, everything she does.  She was not a great mom when we were growing up, but she was young, that doesn't excuse it neither, but she did her best to raise her young family along with dad.  They worked to provide us a good home and a good life.
Our dad passed away when he was 55, and my brother continued to live with mom to this day, he is 41 and she is 65. He curses her, the hate he has for her is beyond me. He has a good career, he can buy or rent a house, apartment, anything. He thinks he's entitled to live there, but at times threated to move.  She says "when?"  She wants him to move out, but there are other times, she doesn' think she can live alone.  The older she gets, I think the more she will rely on him, even though he means no good to her.  He purposes does things to make her cry, he treats her like she is worthless at times, other times he can show some love.  He has no respect for her, she has no respect for him. He spends his money, lives month to month, he has no bills to pay except for the ones he spends for himself. He boasted he makes over $75,000 a year.  He buys his love from the nephew and niece.. Soon they will be old enough to know how he treats their grandmother...
He loves to kill animals, he spends lot of money to do this, guns, accessories, etc.... Hunting is is passion, he is so selfish, he's not married because he has admitted he could never have a woman control him.  In fact, he has lost jobs because his supervisors were females and he just couldn't have a woman tell him what to do.  He's got some issues, can a psychologist or thepathy fix him? He doesn't think anything is wrong with him, everyone else is in the wrong.

She also has the means to sell her house and thus force him to move, but she won't.  She talks about selling and buying another house, I told her, this is the best move she could make.  The manner in which she lives will shorten her life span, all that stress is not good for anyone.  
He hates anyone who doesn't agree with him.... I can't stand being around this selfish bore of whom unfortunately is related to me.... During family gatherings, I keep a smile, but don't engage him... I will visit with other members of the family.... The only reason why he is so popular with the young nieces and nephews is the fact the gives them lavish gifts for their birthdays and holiday. Does works them to control them.  They will soon be old enough to see how he treats his mom, their grandma and hopefully they will cut their strings with this hatefull wanna be man.
Blank
Avatar_n_tn
My 12 and 11 years old boys hate me they fight with each other all the time in turn I fight with my wife every evening and weekend is hell with all the fighting
Blank
Avatar_n_tn
my son started hating me a year ago and won't tell me why.I have been divorced from his mom going on 10 years.We are both remarried and he has a great life at his moms.His step dad gives them the world.My daughter still loves me,but won't tell me why he hates me so much.It hurts,but I have two other kids now I have to raise now.I know its not because of them,he has a new little sister with his mom and stepdad.What should I do? Confused Dad
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
You need to help your mother get out of this stressful situation, if you love her.  Your brother should be paying rent or ALL the utilities on the house which he freely shares with her. Why is he getting away paying nothing?  And if he's abusive to your Mom, WHY would the family not stage an "intervention" of sorts and tell him that it is no longer acceptable for him to live there and treat his mom that way.  Why is everyone in the family smiling and "dancing around" this issue without confronting him about it?  Would you allow a neighbor to treat your mom this way?  NOOOOO!  Then why would you allow your brother to do so?  There's a law called "Abuse of the Elderly" and if your brother cannot be convinced to (1) move out; (2) change his attitude and start showing respect; and (3) Pay rent to his mother; then someone needs to consult with an agency which represents the rights of the Elderly.  I, too, am 65 and have a 41 year old son living with me.  He is not as respectful as I would like, but he pays his share of most everything (property taxes, utilities, insur.) and brings in some groceries.  We have problems with his trying to "guilt trip" me about things, but if he ever layed a hand on me or cursed me, he would be out of here!  IF YOU WOULD NOT ACCEPT THIS TREATMENT FROM SOMEONE OUTSIDE THE FAMILY, THEN YOU SHOULD NOT ACCEPT IT FROM SOMEONE IN THE FAMILY!  Get going and help your Mother out of this dangerous situation.  With the anger your brother is showing, he could kill her!  Stop turning a deaf ear and blind eye to this serious situation.  Good luck!
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
honestly it sounds like you both are very depressed.  both should probably be on antidepressant meds.  You say his father was an alcoholic.  Alcoholics are KNOWN for depression and if his father was depressed, he could easily be.  Depression comes out as anger many times.  
Please go to a psychiatrist for meds, not a regular MD.
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
I have a 28 year old son that hasn't been to our home for a year now and hasn't called. not even on holidays or birthdays he just doesn't seem to care.  he is married and has one daughter who is 6 years old.he also has a wife that has issues and the both of them spend most of there time playing games. she plays all day and he plays when he gets off work."seems to be a there favorite pass time." the point is they don't seem to want to spend any time with me or the rest of the familty. I have tried to talk to him at work and he doesn't say much except you know I love you. but I feel actions speak louder than words.I truly don't understand him. he has always been the baby of the family. spoiled to say the least. he always says if I don't come see you - I know you will come see me with a smile on his face.I don't understand him or his wife.I have done so much for them but that doesn't seem to matter to them..
I know a lot has happened since his father died back in 2001 when he thought he and his brother  should have a third of the insurance I got when his father died. and when I remarried five years later he was upset about that saying I know people that never get remarried. and I told him that was not his call to make. frankly it was not up to him as to weather I remarried or not. I don't know what his problem is. I love him so much and it is eating at me that he doesn't care how I feel. It breaks my heart. His wife runs the roost and the rooster.he has to get her permission for everything or she has a fit and if she says no he won't go anywhere without her.except work.
I don't think it's to much to ask for him to come by once in a while and for him to call and keep in touch and bring my granddaughter with him.and for another thing she does not want me at her house.
a lot has happened in the past. my daughter died 5 years ago and she had two boys which I adopted.he has never had much to do with them as well I am at a loss as to what to do. does anyone have any answers?  A heat broken mom
Blank
1137533_tn?1260731303
My son, an only child, turned 18 last week. He's in his final year in high school and finally back on track after living with his emotionally and physically abusive father for two years, failing school and truancy issues, along with low self esteem. He came back to live with me in March of this year. I enrolled him in school and he has settled in well with the friends he attended school with in the past.
He's always been a loving child, honest, no drinking or drugs, but has an issue with authority. He does well at his part time job, but has issues with teachers as well as myself. Most of the time his attitude is good, but for the past 6 months, he decided that he doesn't like me, won't tell me he loves me, and tells me he "hates me to the core". This hurts more than anything, especially since I've always been there for him, never abandoned or ignored his needs or desires, and we always had an open relationship....he couldn't speak to his dad about girls or sex and found comfort speaking openly with me, which was healthy, as he is sexually responsible and has not had sex with any of his past girlfriends (says he wants to wait). However, I am now hated and despised, no matter how close we were.

He didn't speak with his dad for 9 months after he moved out, but now they are speaking again, which I feel is healthy and I do support. I'm only confused with the hatred towards me and I dearly miss my son, the one who loved me entirely.

I did take his car away from him after he cussed at me and told me he hated me. So I don't have an issue with discipline. However, he won't speak to me and, even though he's in counseling, it appears to be worsening.

Has anyone had this type of issue? I won't implore him to speak to me, as it only makes things worse. Praying this will change.
Blank
Avatar_m_tn
I'm like a lot of you.  I have a 21 year old son who constantly screams, yells, wants, demands.  I started a journal this week of each situation that I have with him.  I know exactly why my son is the way he is.  I had way too much help from his grandparents.  I was 17 years old and had been through a lot with the father of my baby.  I was willing to let anyone help me with whatever I had.  Now his is 21 and like always, if I say no or I won't do things the way he wants them done, he runs to grandma and she makes it all better.  It just happened today.  Unbelievable.  I cannot even injoy my son because I won't spoil him the way his grandparents do.  He lives with them and comes and goes as he pleases.  Truthfully, he is very disrespectful to them, yells, screams, cusses, calls my dad an old man and tells him he doesn't know anything.  He has one friend, only one and this friend means more to him than any family member.  He has been fired from every job he has ever had.  He loves to fight and yes, he does smoke pot.  I personally believe that my son is bipolar.  I have done the research and he has every sympton there is.  You know, Christmas is here and I have spend about $350 on him and the way I was treated by him this week, I have the mind to take every bit of it back.  I have no choice right now but to get through the holiday and completely back off before I really blow a fuse.  I feel so sick to my stomache over this.  If I don't separate myself from all of this I will absolutely lose it.  I cannot stand to be screamed at anymore.

I understand how all of you feel that are going through this.  I'm just glad that I found this website so I don't have to feel like I'm all by myself in this.  God bless.
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
I have read everything here so far and it is a big relief to me to know that I am not the only mother this is happening to. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart. My son has refused all contact with me for the past six years for no reason whatsoever. No one can get an answer from him as to why - people naturally think that I must have done something to him to make him behave this way.  After years of heartbreak, sleepless nights and a near nervous breakdown - not knowing WHY? nearly killed me.  He was a lovely child, smart, popular and much loved in our large extended family and network of friends. He excelled at everything he did - sport, music, school, college, university and he travelled the world - all he ever needed.  Everything my parents failed to do for me - I did for him. We got on exceptionally well, he was easy to converse with, calm and thoughtful he had lots of friends.  
As the time for him to take his place in the adult world drew near he started to talk a lot about his fears and anxiety about failing - I reassured him that he was well capable but he was reluctant to move on and grow into a man - soon he started to blame me for his lack of ambition saying that I had never encouraged him to get rich and successful (this is true - I encouraged him to value a good character and hard work balanced with a sense of fun).
Looking back - I have scoured every memory, photograph, schoolbook, cards I could find no clue as to why all this happened.
With your help, I am now coming to the conclusion that he simply does not want to grow  up, he is afraid of the responsibilities of adult life - his father has given him a poor example (being afraid to join the workforce - I was the breadwinner) his father also blamed me for this saying that he could never hope to earn as much as me so he didnt bother to try.
I worry about him of course - how can you be happy in life when you show no regard for someone who has been good to you, your whole life?
A lot of terrible things have happened to me during my life so far - in my childhood particularly but these things only made me stronger - this is different, this is wearing me down or at least it was - I was nearly at the end when I found this site - now I am begining to pull the clues together into some kind of answer. You have brought me some peace of mind tonight - thank you
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
Although, a question is posted why do we worry when Our  Adult Children turn on us like vipers.  I have no confirmed answer,  We could speculate, over bearing parents, overindulgent parents, or strict parents.  Well until today this was a riddle.  However after reading so many comments from heartbroken mothers such as myself I realize what Happen..."Life".  We all make our own choices in Life, even GOD himself gives us all the Right.  Sometimes people make bad choices simple and true.  But as parents we do not have the right to carry Other Peoples problems.  Which is my screen name. "OPP".  See I have been been guilty have shouldering so many of negative feelings I ready so many have carried.  We have to Decide to Love our children but to NOW Love ourselves first.  I have blamed my son for so many things because of giving and giving to him.. Even when we did have money or little food I would give him the donut and eat the hole.  If you know what I mean.  I moved many miles when the doctors told me he had brain tumors without insurance and no one for support but prayer I never gave  up.  But now my Fellow Parent, I choose to forgive him because that will enable me to move on in Life.  See mourning over your children does not resurrect the relationship.  A dishonorable son will bring his mother shame. Therefore when that happens Mothers stick to your guns.  Dont allow there disfunctional behavior to make you over think the matter.  Simply stated dogs dont eat from there dung why should we.  So I announce today that I choose Life and Love I choose to pray for GOD direction his life.  And that's it.  No more all night vigils asking GOD why.  Because today liberation of truth has set  me free.  After raising a son all alone oftentimes sick and  always causing issues everywhere he went from the baby sitter  thru  public then to catholic schools in two differ states.  I can admit that was my Best.  Life does not move backward but forward.  Those of you who were smart enough to retain relationships wheter with husband family or friends.  Establish those relationships, decide where you want to go in life,eliminating the stress of the failed relationship with your children. See you will always be there mother.  1000 years from now that will still be the fruit of your loins.  But your precious life will have been wasted because you allowed someone else's stuff to hinder the present "life" that GOD has given you.  I trust the Universe, the Creator well enough to say it will all work to out to the good.  Thank YOU all for your contributions is has been an healing experience for me.  Dont worry about Other People's problems even when it's your sons or daugthers for that matter.  Shoot so many people living and now some dead who warned me I tried to hard.  But I did what knew to do which was my best.  As a result he is independant adult. All the harm that occurred in my life the financial hardships that I still faced today the emotional roller coaters were a part of life's journey.  So Parents take the road trip guided by our sons as long as you Like but today I choose to take an Airplane and rise above the problem.  In life the one truth I have learned is to what you can the rest is out of your control.  Since I no longer have control issues.  I now KNOW and Believe as corny as it may sound.  If you love someone let them go if they are truly yours they will return.  Patience and forgiving everyone are essential.  Peace Love my Fellow Sojourners.  
OPP
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
right now i share your pain so much.  i went to this site to get answers to my problems, but when i read your story, i connected immediately and so many answers were ones i needed.  i'm going through right now and it's so hard.  i have three children all adults, and only one of the three treat me with respect and love.  my oldest daughter and my baby boy have just about drained the life out of me.  prayer and more prayer is what has brought me this far.  i have even contemplated taking my own life at times,but what would it gain me?  i know that God is in the plan somewhere and that its all figured out and its all good.  i will continue to pray for you and i ask that you remember me in your prayers.  good luck and i can't wait to read your victory story in the near future.  god bless you.
Blank
Avatar_m_tn
i love my son deeply.  he is impossible for me to live with. some people like him.  i don't.  he takes advantage of me, belittles me and insults me. i think i have just given him too much and i am so done. mind you he is 30 and has been living OFF me for about a year, while he gets his bachelors and masters.
Blank
Avatar_n_tn
Well, I don't need to write a story here because you all have the same story that I have - maybe different versions. Personally, I can't get any help just because I know other people are going through the same thing. It would be nice to get a professional opinion on why this happens and what mothers are to do to handle it and get on with their lives in a productive manner as this affects my work, my home life and all other relationships I have due to depression and anger over this. I'll never give up hope but I am ready to seek professional help on how to cope. A "*****" session does not help me. I pray and hope for all of us because we do not deserve this.
Blank
1289948_tn?1314882588
Hello everyone,  Reading these story's seems like my life.  Wow didn't realize so many live my life.  I have a son who is 27.  He has a daughter who is almsot 8.  Not with her mother anymore but with a woman older then me.. She is 54.  :(  Told him if he is looking for a mother right here I am.  His dad and I div. when he was almost 18.  I should have left long before b/c of so much verbal abuse.  I stayed just like many of us do (for the kids) BIG BIG mistake... Never do that.. Learned a lesson there for sure.  Figured if they were so young and I left their dad would still be a part of their life so why leave.  (visitation) you know.  I also have a son who is 25.  He is developmentally delayed. He graduated, drives, works full time and lives on his own in a beautiful house he purchased all alone. (income based).  I have given the last 25 years of my life to my children.  My oldest told me he thought I was a great Mom (pre drug and drinking addiction) I currently provide daycare in my home.  In my 25th year.  Started when my 25 yr. old was 3 mo old.  Having a reunion in Sept.2010 inviting all the kids I cared for back b/c I want to see them.  I know in my heart NOW I was the best Mom my boys could have ever had.  I gave up my own life for them and all the others I cared for which resulted in having low self esteem, obesity, anxiety, you name it.  NOW at almsot 50 yr. old I am looking out for me for the 1st time in my life.  I have lost 65 lbs. working out in a gym everyday, remarried to a man of my dreams and loving life.  For so long I felt all my oldest sons problems were b/c of me.  That I was a bad MOM.. NO MORE!! His decisions are HIS decisions.  I am looking out for #1 from NOW on.  My heart is so hurt and broken I don't think I will ever love him the way I used to.  Amazing how drugs and drinking can effect someone isn't it? He is a TOTALLY different person and one this MOM is going to limit allowing him to be in my life.  I AM SO TIRED OF HIM HURTING ME.  This 54 yr. old woman in his life that he lives with has never been married, no kids ever has no idea how BAD it has hurt me.  I backed away for 3 mo. after Christmas after watching him give everyone a present except me of course.  Another STAB to my heart.  I didn't contact them his 2nd mother contacted me b/c he was abusing her.  I then came back into the picture thinking I could fix it till just realizing that AGAIN I can't fix his problems to backing away again as of TODAY!!  You see as long as his 1st mother isn't in the picture he will ABUSE his 2nd mother like he does me.  ONE way of getting her out of his life hopefully one day.  She is nothing but an enabler.  I prayed about this for over a year.  I keep telling her that GOD brought her into his life for a reason.  Matter of fact I think he is worse now then ever.  NOT SURE what is happening but going to step back and let GOD take over once again.  I need to turn it over to him.  2010 is about looking after ME and what makes me HAPPY!!  Tired of taking care of everyone else and trying to keep them happy.  He is so much like his FATHER I understand now why there are times I can't stand him.  Being a MOM who has never taken DRUGS in her life I can't understand how someone can do this to themselves to get rid of problems for a short time and they come down off their high and BOOM the problems are right there again.  Thanks for letting me VENT!!  Anyone who is interested in being an online buddy may email me ***@****.  I am not positive this will even post or I can get back on this site.  Was pure LUCK I ended up here. Thanks again for reading my post. It helped for me to just write.
Blank
Avatar_m_tn
A Sweet Baby was born to two parents who were very young.  They looked forward to having a baby to love.  Unfortunately for this little baby, both of his parents were very immature and did not know to look after him.  They had very big problems and really did not have the skills that it would take to bring up a child and give him all the things that parents should give their child.  Both parents were addicted to drugs.
This little baby was not looked after very well because his parents could not give him all the things that a baby needed.  They could not hug and cuddle him when he cried.  They did not feed him when he was hungry.  They forgot they needed to give him medicine when he was sick.  They forgot that he needed to get an education so he struggled through school.  
His parents eventually divorced because their marriage was not built on solid ground and they were from completely different worlds.  That is to say, they had very little in common.  The only link they had was this child they shared. So, throughout their lives they were in contact with each other because of their bond with this child.

This baby had two grandparents who loved him beyond words.  The grandparents were very upset all the time because they knew this little child needed love, support, food, medicine and education.   They struggled to give him all the things his parents were not capable of giving him.  They did everything in their power to help him.  They saw him whenever they could but this child's parents decided that they did not want these grandparents in the child's life and made it very difficult for them to see the child. Despite the parents fighting against the grandparents, they persevered and continued to fight to see him, knowing that their involvement might make a positive difference in his life.
The little baby grew into a young man and the grandparents continued their fight to see him.  
Then the grandmother became very very ill and had to go away to a hospital for treatments.  Every weekend
she came home to see her grandson, although she was very weak.  The grandson was now twelve years old.
Later on that year their grandson left his Mother and went to live with his Father.  That winter their grandson came to visit them in Florida.  He seemed to have a very nice time with them, but when he returned home he went back to live with his Mother and he never spoke to them again for five years.

It was a very difficult time for the grandparents.  They were in a lot of pain from the betrayal of their grandchild.  This child that they had given so much of their heart and soul to. They could not understand what went wrong.  All of their friends and relatives where in shock, that so much love and care was given to someone and this was what was given in return.
The grandmother was especially hurt because during her darkest time in her life, when she did not know if she was going to live or die, she had taken the last bit of strength she had left in her, and made sure she spent time with her grandson.  This was what she got in return for all her efforts.  It just was not fair.

Then this child came back into the grandparent's life.  He came back and the grandparents were happy.  They wanted everything for him once again.  They wanted him to have everything that he had missed out on.  The lost childhood, the lost parenting, the lost care, the lost education and the lost love.  They embraced this child and tried to forget the pain he had caused them.
They were willing to give him everything.  They got him his beginners driver's license and a summer job.  They even promised to give him money if he would save his money during the summer.  The child tried to cheat them at the end of the summer.  He told them he saved his money and he really had not.  The child's father said that the child plotted to cheat them and he did not want any part of it.  The grandparents forgave the child and still continued to try and help him.
They tried to make his life as normal as possible.  When the young man told them he did not want to continue in school they encouraged him to find a trade that would enable him to make a good living in the future.  They gave him all the options available and when the young man decided he would like to get a trade they phoned everyone they knew that might be able to give him this opportunity.  Luckily they found someone who would teach him.
CONTINUED ON NEXT POST.......

Blank
Avatar_m_tn
Then the grandchild moved into their house.  They tried to make him as comfortable as possible.  They made him a nice room with all the things that would make him happy.  They tried to show him how he could have a good future.  They tried to teach him to save his money and to have good work habits.  
The story is not over yet.  The end of the story really depends on what the young man wants for himself.  Does he want a good life or a life like his parents?  Will he do the right things or will he be like them?  Will he see that his grandparents love him and can give him a future or will he want to use them and once again betray them?  The end of the story is really up to him.
He holds the key to his future.  They can only hope and pray he wants a good life.
Now it is a year since this young man once again became part of his grandparent's life.
During that year he had to look after himself for four months because his grandparents went to Florida.  He got up very early every day and went to work.  He washed his own clothes, made his own meals and took public transportation every day.  He took really good care of everything his grandparents entrusted him with.
He saved all of his money during that year and never wasted anything.
He became a good driver and his grandparents gave him a car.  
He became very good friends with the children of his grandparent's best friends.  He built a wonderful relationship with them and they learned to love and trust him dearly.
He started to enjoy learning where he came from and where he is going.  He started reading books and became
religious.  
He showed his grandparents how they could and should trust him and they became very very proud of him once again. Everyone learned to love him again and to know what a wonderful, kind, intelligent and caring person he was.
His grandparents were so proud of him that when they talked about him they sometimes cried.  Their pride was so great.
His grandparents are looking forward to the next chapter in his life and can only pray that he continues to grow and know that he has a wonderful future and they are so proud of him.
This past year was one of his grandparent's Best Years and hopefully every New Year will be filled with the same pride for his accomplishments.
MAY 8TH, 2009
AFTER FOUR YEARS OF LIVING WITH HIS GRANDPARENTS HE SAVED HIS MONEY, WENT TO SCHOOL, WORKED HARD AND FOUND A LOVELY GIRL WHO HE HOPES WILL BE HIS FUTURE BRIDE.
IF THIS YOUNG MAN LEARNS ANYTHING IN LIFE I HOPE IT IS TO CARE FOR THE PEOPLE WHO CARED THE MOST FOR HIM AND GAVE HIM EVERY OPPORTUNITY THAT LIFE HAD TO OFFER.
ALTHOUGH HE IS LOVED AND CARED FOR BY TWO GRANDPARENTS WHO TOOK A LOT OF TIME AND EFFORT TO SHAPE HIS
LIFE AND SHOW HIM HOW MUCH POTENTIAL HE HAS, HE HAS NOT BEEN ABLE TO RETURN THE LOVE AND CARE THAT THE PUT INTO HIS CHILDHOOD AND HIS WHOLE LIFE.
IF THERE IS A GOOD G-D, HE WILL ONE DAY KNOW THAT WHEN YOU HAVE A GIFT OF WONDERFUL, CARING GRANDPARENTS WHO BROUGHT SO MUCH GOODNESS, KINDNESS, CARE, LOVE AND GAVE SO MUCH OF THEMSELVES THAT YOU NEED TO RETURN THAT TO THEM EVERYDAY OF YOUR LIFE.
YOU DO NOT NEGLECT THEM, YOU DO NOT TELL THEM THEY ARE CONTROLLING YOU, YOU CALL THEM DAILY, YOU REMEMBER THEM
ON THEIR BIRTHDAYS, FATHER’S DAY, MOTHER’S DAY AND MAKE EVERY DAY SPECIAL FOR THEM, AS THEY DID FOR YOU ALL OF YOUR LIFE.  YOU SHARE YOUR LIFE WITH THEM AS THEY SHARED THEIRS WITH YOU.  THE HOLIDAYS AND SPECIAL TIMES THEY GAVE TO
YOU SO UNSELFLESSLY, YOU RETURN TO THEM BY GIVING OF YOURSELF.  YOU GIVE BACK WHAT YOU RECEIVED ALL YOUR LIFE.
YOU REMEMBER ALL OF THE THINGS THEY DID IN ORDER FOR YOU TO HAVE A GOOD LIFE AND YOU RETURN THAT BY GIVING THEM YOUR RESPECT, TIME, CARE AND LOVE.  
MAY 2010    -Now this young man is married to a lovely girl.  At their wedding he had his parents give him away.
He is not in touch with his grandparents very often.  He says he is very busy with work and learning
to communicate with his new bride.  His grandfather was very ill recently and he was too busy to call
to find out how he was doing.  His grandmother left a message telling him his grandfather came through
his ordeal but he did not call back.   Also, he forgot to wish his grandfather Happy Birthday.  
His grandparents built him an apartment when he got married because they did not want him to have
the pressure of paying rent until he was making a better living.  They continue to try and make his life
better.
Does anyone know why this grandson does not give his grandparents the love they deserve?


Blank
Avatar_f_tn
I have read all the posts and like most of them have similar problems. I have a son 42yrs old who decided that he no longer needed or wanted us (my husband and I) in his life and he came to this decision when we one day decided NOT to accept his egotistical opinionated  and disrespectful attitude when he constantly talked 'down' to us (his parents) So we had enough one day and  responded to him by saying 'no more' or words a little stronger to that effect!

He has now cut us out of his life and does not encourage any contact from our 3 grandchildren (we still write, call and send presents to them) but have no response back - not even birthday or grandparent cards....

How can any adult (parent) raising children to have good morals, love and respect do this to them - what example is he displaying?    So we not only lost our son (whom we are totally ashamed of) but have now lost our grandchildren and the hole gets bigger and bigger and the divide becomes greater....

We have offered to meet and discuss things on a one-to-one but he rejects it - and makes us feel that ALL the problems are ours and cannot recognise that most of the problems lie inside himself.  How do you get beyond this and remain with some degree of dignity and sanity?

NANA

.  
Blank
Avatar_m_tn
I am so certain that all you are such wonderful and loving parents, and you gave everything to them, and they are such terrible human beings with such awful personal flaws that you drew out, and that you are angels.  In life, very often you invite into your life what you put in- and nowhere is that more true with your own son or daughter.  You are all so misguided; the simple fact you make yourself out to be such saints and your kids out to be such devils (you you "love" anyway) is telling.
Blank
Avatar_m_tn
So I take it you are a grown son/daughter who hates his/her parent?   I think it would be interesting to hear your point of view.   Please tell us your story.
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
I have read all the post and now at least I know that I am not the only one out there that has a son that treats them this way. My son is 25 years old and has been doing this to me since he turned 20. It was really bad at first, I have been called every name you can imagine and the one thing I realized and see in a lot of you is the fact that we GAVE way too much to our children and when the giving stopped because of how we were treated then I was considered a horrible mother. My son had both his parents in his life, we never divorced, there was no reason for his behavior except him. My heart hurt to the point I could no longer take his words, his hurts, so I simply decided I was exiting this screwed up world, seemed easier than hearing my own son tell me how horrible I was and that he hated me, well of course my overdose didnt work but it did end me up in the hospital and a lot of counseling and therapy and a lot of time to think. Now...I have let him go. I love him dearly but say very little to him. He has changed a lot but only in the fact that he no longer calls me names, I'll take that. He doesnt come over much and thats fine with me too, I'd rather not see him than deal with the rude comments, when he calls and talks ugly to me, I hang up instantly and DO NOT answer again to him no matter how many times he lets it ring (and he can sure let it ring). He now knows that I simply wont listen to him, period! Why should I? I know how he feels, I dont need to hear it over and over.  I guess the breaking point which I call a nervous breakdown, woke me up...I can try all I want but NOTHING is going to change him, but him. I CANT make him love or like me...I did NOTHING wrong to him except expect him to go to school or go to work and he didnt really want to do either. I got him every job he has and they are good, high paying jobs, and yet he blames me for getting them because he hates to get up early. If he never comes back I would be hurt but not near as hurt as I am when he is here crushing my heart with his words. Sometimes we just have to let them go. I still pray daily for him, us, our family, peace and then I just give it all to God. I will never allow another, even my own child, treat me this way again, I will never let anyone make me so miserable that I want to die, sometimes we simply HAVE to let go. Letting go gives us back our lives as hard and painful as it is.  Thanks for listening and Blessings to each of you and I pray you find the peace you need.  ~ Alive!
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
I have read all the post and now at least I know that I am not the only one out there that has a son that treats them this way. My son is 25 years old and has been doing this to me since he turned 20. It was really bad at first, I have been called every name you can imagine and the one thing I realized and see in a lot of you is the fact that we GAVE way too much to our children and when the giving stopped because of how we were treated then I was considered a horrible mother. My son had both his parents in his life, we never divorced, there was no reason for his behavior except him. My heart hurt to the point I could no longer take his words, his hurts, so I simply decided I was exiting this screwed up world, seemed easier than hearing my own son tell me how horrible I was and that he hated me, well of course my overdose didnt work but it did end me up in the hospital and a lot of counseling and therapy and a lot of time to think. Now...I have let him go. I love him dearly but say very little to him. He has changed a lot but only in the fact that he no longer calls me names, I'll take that. He doesnt come over much and thats fine with me too, I'd rather not see him than deal with the rude comments, when he calls and talks ugly to me, I hang up instantly and DO NOT answer again to him no matter how many times he lets it ring (and he can sure let it ring). He now knows that I simply wont listen to him, period! Why should I? I know how he feels, I dont need to hear it over and over.  I guess the breaking point which I call a nervous breakdown, woke me up...I can try all I want but NOTHING is going to change him, but him. I CANT make him love or like me...I did NOTHING wrong to him except expect him to go to school or go to work and he didnt really want to do either. I got him every job he has and they are good, high paying jobs, and yet he blames me for getting them because he hates to get up early. If he never comes back I would be hurt but not near as hurt as I am when he is here crushing my heart with his words. Sometimes we just have to let them go. I still pray daily for him, us, our family, peace and then I just give it all to God. I will never allow another, even my own child, treat me this way again, I will never let anyone make me so miserable that I want to die, sometimes we simply HAVE to let go. Letting go gives us back our lives as hard and painful as it is.  Thanks for listening and Blessings to each of you and I pray you find the peace you need.  ~ Alive!
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
I sympathize with you totally. My son and I had a wonderful relationship until he married married 12 yrs ago; slowly but surely each year our relationship has eroded. I have not seen my son/grandson in 6 mos. no telephone calls or texts, no e-mails, nothing.. I HAVE NO CONTACT W/MY ADULT SON ... my poor little grandsons do not know what has happened ... I have to leave little presents for them on their doorstep in the middle of the night to let them know I still love them. My son and his wife have cell phones and will not answer my calls so I can talk to my grandsons. I know very well that his wife and her mother have created this setting. By the way, I am on disability and have always been available to attend outings with the children should the son's wife & her mother take them  out (and they always DO) but I am NEVER invited, never in 12 years. WE NEED COUNSELING but I don't think my son would have "time" for counseling. It is so painful as this is my only child and I will never be allowed to see my small grandchildren I know. I am going to find a counselor just for me anyway but my heart is broken so much that I don't know if ever it can be put back together. I believe my son hates me for a reason I do not realize and he will not tell me. WATCH OUT FOR DAUGHTER-IN-LAWS WHO HAVE LOW SELF ESTEEM AS THIS ONE DOES.
Blank
Avatar_m_tn
i am so pleased to have found this forum.
I too have had nothing but grief from a grown up son.
he's has always had a chip on his shoulder when it comes to his parents more me. He has some idealistic view of his father and even though he left home age 17 he has emotionally drained us for years.
When we have tried to challenge the behaviour we are shouted down and he manipulates the two of us. e.g. he will phone his father on his cell phone but will say to his dad that he's tried phoning me but i haven't answered. This has gone on for years. I keep explaining to my husband that i have NEVER had a missed calls my husband use to make excuses for him.
my son is now 32 and is still doing this to us he phoned husband the other day saying he'd tried to contact me of course there was no missed calls and as I tried to explain to my husband whats wrong with him txting or leaving a phone message.  
This breaks my heart I keep asking my husband WHY? he says it's my sons problem but now agrees that he probably just doesn't like me.
We have another son who lives a few hours drive away and is as supportive as he can be.
I beat myself up as to what I have done to deserve this there is only the 4 of us we have no families and I think he blames me for this, I was the one who was stricter but I wanted my boys to grow up responsible and have respect. He is in a very responsible job and I think both his colleagues and friends would be shocked as to how he treats his mother. For mothers day I got a second hand perfume (obvisouly his girlfriends cast off) not in a box and seal openend. His dad got a new present.
It is harder when the two parents are treated so differently I know many of you feel my husband should stand up for meand he has tried to challenge him in the past but it's very hard because it ends up in rows and i think my husband feels pig in the middle.
I would rather him be honest and open as to why he dislikes me so much at least then I would know where I had gone wrong but to do this to me it is so cruel.
My self esteem and self confidence is at an all time low and in some ways it would be easier if I didn't have any contact with him it would be still painful but it wouldn't feel like a drip drip drip of emtional turmoil
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
Hi nrsimcal, to prove your son is lying about the missed calls, once and for all, just send him a test message and ask him to "reply".  Your phone will tell you whether or not he receives it and that will be the end of that.

I really feel for you as I have 3 children, all of who have been badly affected by their (now dead) alcoholic, abusive father - oh and by the way, actually it's everything I did to them, not him (no it isn't but that's what one of them tries to tell me.)

I have wasted years thinking I was "being there" for them only to discover that they can't wait till I'm put in an old people's home so they can sell my house and have everything I've worked hard for.

My measured opinion is;  if you do everything for them they will definitely invent a miserable childhood and try to pin guilt on you for imagined wrongs;  BUT if you treat them like crap and neglect them you won't be able to move for them trying to be close to you!  When my alcoholic husband died they treated him like a God and me like a leper.

I'm off to do my own thing.  Stuff 'em.


Blank
Avatar_n_tn
I searched the web today to see if I could find a site like this. Thank you.  Our 18 year old son left home.  We knew it would come but not like this.  When he was young he was an honor roll student and a star athlete.  We moved out of the suburbs to the country for "a better life".  Everything changed for him.  Grades deteriorated so badly he wasn't allowed to attend graduation of middle school.  Although he was again doing well in sports we had to take him out to focus on school.  

HS was even worse.  His attitude became worse and abusive.  He stole money and other things from us including our vehicles.  We had to have the police bring him home twice.  He blamed us for everything wrong in his life.  We had to put him in the "extension" side of HS for those who couldn't hack regular HS.  He barely made that.  His grandmother bought him a car for graduation and we got him a job.  

He began to stay out all night and maybe come home and sleep most of the day.  We told him it can't be this way.  He moved out in a huff to live with a friend.  He quit his job and sold the car and blew the money.  After 2 months he came to us and asked if we could help him straighten out his life.  We said of course.  Come home and we'll find a way to get another car and get into school.  Nope.  He wants us to buy him a car, pay rent on an apartment and cosign for a student loan.  We said no.  

Recent communications have only been texting and they were abusive rants about not caring about him, how bad parents we've been and we'll never see him again.  We aren't perfect parents.  We've told him many time how much we love him and want to help him but it has to be on our terms.  It's like we don't know him anymore.  I'm sure he's out partying like most 18 year olds but I don't think this is what has turned him against us.

We are grief stricken, depressed and worried for his safety.  
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
I am 57 and have 2 daughters, 25 and 28. I am in the middle of a domestic abuse divorce after 30 years of marriage. My younger one has lived and supported herself since she was 19. She has let me move in with her.  My older one lives with her dad. She has always lived home, never paid for rent or food, never cleaned up after herself, used drugs, dealt drugs (crack etc)....had a loaded gun in the house and a stolen car in our garage. I turned her in and her dad said he doesn't blame her for hating me...I deserve it.
My older daughter HATES me. She blames me for every bad thing that ever happened in her life.  I was the best mom I could be, but for some reason it was not enough for her. I think the drug use affected her mind. She was arrested and has also been in rehab 1 1/2 years.
I am coping with all I can handle with the divorce and was diagnosed with PTSD due to the abusive marriage. I always kept the lines open if my daughter ever needed me. I have given her money when she needed it, gone to court to give emotional support....she has been abusive physically (gave me 2 black eyes), emotionally (says -fu-k you, you are worthless, you are selfish, you ruined my life etc),.....but finally last month I told her unless and until she learns how to treat me with respect, I want no communication with you. The stress of dealing with her anger was stopping me from getting better. It was ruinung my health.
So.....I have no contact with her. Sure it is hard, she was my life. But she is an adult now.... 28!!!!!!.....it's time she got a life! She lives with dad, has never lived on her own. She needs to grow up and pushing her out of the nest is the only way she is going to learn. (even if it only mom pushing since she still lives with dad) It's tough love I guess, it's hard, but you have to do it for yourself and for him. You have to think about your health....and getting rid of the stress is the first step. He is an adult, not a child..
and we deserve respect not abuse!
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
Part 1 - Wow! I read many of the comments by parents living sadness because of the behavior of sons/daughters for whom they sacrificed, fought the other parent for child support (for 30 years for me - for three sons), did without themselves, and made sure they always had a roof over their heads and food to eat, no matter how meager.  

Because I refused to remain in a marriage with a cheater and beater psychopath of a husband when my oldest son was three, he acted out early, and has held a grudge against me, never asking what I had gone through to escape with our lives - he is 40, and has refused to speak to me for years, does not answer my emails, cell phone calls and love texts, birthday and general love cards and gifts mailed to him.  He spent his teen years stealing from me and his brothers, destroying the home I had purchased, stole new tires off my car and put old ones on, was jailed by his employer for stealing store items, got very sick after returning from the army (which I insisted he join for the discipline), and when his father gave him another car, after I let him (very weak, couldn't walk) drive my car and he tore it up - for over a year, he lived with his brothers and me, had a job, continued to steal from us, but would not drive his brothers to school or me to the grocery store in the car his father gave him.  He even had the nerve to ask his brothers to give him a push every morning so he could get the VW bus started, and then he would drive off. I gave him so many chances to be responsible, used tough love, but he continued to love his father's family and treat us badly. When I last suggested that he not hold grudges against his brothers, he put things on facebook to hurt me, like calling his long-absent father's third wife (yes, the second one with whom he cheated got cheated on by him) "Mom" and making affectionate conversation with her; and her two sons (with my ex-) and the second wife's daughter, he is proud to call his siblings.  He treats his first brothers nicely only so he will have a place to stay when he comes to the city for vacation, and of course, I never see him when he does.  The only way I know he is still alive is to peek on Facebook from time to time.

My second son, now 37, asked me to move out west ten years ago because he and his then-wife planned to have kids and he wanted me (since I was about to retire) to come out and "be grandma" when they did.  I sold everything I had, books, music, clothing, furniture, antiques, and drove across country to start that adventure.  I sent my baby boy, then 19, away to college, and during the holidays, he went to stay with his father, my second husband - also a hitter. The first day I arrived out west, he and his wife were mean to me and treated me as if I had invaded their home without an invitation.  They made life so unbearable (I was not allowed to open the tiny bedroom window for cool air at night, but they refused to turn on the air conditioning; the room was over the two-car garage so the heat of the engines boiled upwards until midnight). I had to lock the door and sneak the window open.  If he saw the window open from outside, he would angrily tell me to shut it so the air conditioning (which did not come in my room) would not escape.  His wife one day "accidentally" allowed the dog into my close bedroom door - to pee on my bed and tear up my shoes while I was out looking for a job (so I could get out of their home).  Every time I bought salads and fruits, after one day, they would complain I was leaving wilted food in their refrigerator and so they would do a frige cleaning every other day. My son would suddenly wash his work shirts and then leave his clothes in the washer and go to work...but only if he saw I had separated my own clothing on the floor near the washer, with the intention of washing - after having to go out to buy detergent.  If I put his shirts in the dryer, he cussed me out and told me to never move his things in the washer.  I eventually saved enough to move out and got my own apartment; they divorced and he began a relationship with a new lady.  In the middle of my lease, he and his new lady asked me to come and live in their new home and feed their dog and pay their bills while they went to work on a cruise ship for six months; I felt loved and that they wanted me to be part of their family.  When they came back after just a month or two (because she was pregnant and nauseated) he asked me to move out after a couple more months so her teenaged children could move in.  I had two days to find a new place in a strange city with only a tiny income.  He did not help me move my belongings on the day I found another apartment. As the fellow from my job helped move my things into the back of his truck (for $50), my son, who had been watching TV in the living room the whole time, came out the door and said sarcastically, "Oh, I didn't know you were moving, I could have helped you get some of that stuff out."

Blank
Avatar_f_tn
Part 2 - My first husband never gave me child support without a big fight at the courthouse.  Never.  And he was never on time sending it.  But I carried on as best I could and I bought the clothing, paid for class trips, and bought the Christmas gifts on very small salaries.

Now, to son number three.  He was my baby.  His father disappeared for 6 months of my pregnancy.  When I told him I did not need him on one of his spontaneous guilty visits, he brought a preacher to my house and demanded that I marry him. (He had had two stillborn sons with former girlfriends, and my son was healthy and kicking and about to be born.)  His father brought his two daughters into my home without my consent and their mother decided to call and harass me constantly; I remained civil to her and kind to the girls (who had never had their ears cleaned with Q-tips or taught how to take showers by their mother - they dressed first and then went into the bathroom and "washed under their arms" with their clothes on, winter or summer.  The girls were sent by their mother to destroy my new home, the carpet, the newly-painted walls, my clothng and fur coat, my sons' shoes, my baby boy's milk formula and diapers, and to attempt to destroy my marriage to their father.  He had been divorced from her for over six years when we met. All attempts I made to keep the marriage intact and the girls safe, along with my sons were tossed aside by the refusal of my second husband to be a man and demand she leave us alone.  I could not bear the burdens of five children and no emotional support from him, so I divorced him and made him take his mean daughters with him.

For all those years, I fought for child support from my two older sons and my youngest son (whose father ran and hid for a year, putting  a years worth of his teacher's salary aside for a downpayment for a new home with his third wife, and never went to his son's practices or basketball or soccer games and never showed up to pick up his son on visitations for many years.  And yes, he never bought him Christmas gifts all those years.  He never gave him attention until I asked his third wife to please have him come to some games.  I call her my son's "other mom" because she is so kind to him, and made his father get involved.

I was there for my three sons. During the "Missing and Murdered Children" era in Atlanta; I fought for their safety, their health, their activities; I fought teachers who didn't treat them right, provided medical and mental health opportunities; I made them go to church, and enrolled them in a church school; I taught them to cook (although one son, the tallest, the heaviest, said "You never were a decent cook"), taught them to iron, to sew, I taught them how to drive, standard and stick shift cars; I helped them make  and present resumes from age 13; I gave them every opportunity I could and some I couldn't afford.  I pushed them to go to college.  I gave up trying to find a love/husband/man to satisfy my mental and physical needs because they were more important.

One hasn't spoken to me in several years.  One speaks to me only when he needs something; nothing I say is right; nothing I do is as good as anything he has done; and if I express an opinion, he wants to fight about it as if I have attacked him.   One speaks to me only when his lady friend allows him; anytime I say certain "trigger" words (and I never know what they are) he becomes abusive, angry and verbally violent and argumentative.  Today, I only asked how his brother was (who lives in his house for the time being); a ten minute tirade of accusations and defensive slurs against me came out of him; there was no way to explain (for I was guilty of nothing), so all I could do was say, "I've got to go; please be peaceful and get some rest.  I don't need to defend myself every time I ask you a simple question."  And gently hung up the phone.

I am alone in a senior citizen's apartment building and am not close to any of the people here (many of whom are marijuana smokers, drunks, and very loud). I moved here so I would not be bossed around or berated by my sons, but all I can do most days is to sleep, eat, watch TV, and poop.  Most of my friends have died or live out of state, and my income is so low (two of my sons refused to even give me $40/month to help) I cannot afford to do many activities away from the building.  Sometimes I wish I would not wake up.  The pain is too much and my heart actually hurts - I think I might have had a mild heart attack a few weeks ago, but I had no one to call to help me get to the hospital, so I just drank a lot of cold water and walked till the morning (it wasn't gas); my chest is still sore.

My sons do not check to see if I am alive; when I text or call "Hello" to them, they do not respond most times...I don't think I was a bad mother or a bad wife or bad daughter; my psychologist told me once I had let everyone run over me and to "stand up"...but then people are shocked when I do and say I'm mean.  I'm not asking for sympathy, just wanted to get this off my chest.  No need to condemn me or make fun.
Blank
Avatar_m_tn
I have spent the last hour in tears reading these stories; such pain and sadness. As others have said, I never thought I would be in this same position but here I am now, trying to come out out of two years of tears and pain, and feeling I have to build a wall every day to in order to live my life day after day.

My 30 year old son untintentionally came out to me as being a gay man three years ago - he was experiencing an emotional breakdown and talked of suicide. My husband (his loving stepfather of many years) were devastated at his pain and frantic he would might take his life.  He agreed to see a counselor of his choosing-because of the suicide talk NOT because he is gay -  and our communication with him continued as before.

After a few months, though, he literally became a different person - I thought he was on drugs or experiencing some kind of psychotic break - it was that severe. He was fired from his job, left rambling voice mails which made no sense, and was verbally abusive. We tried to continue to help him financially and be supportive, but he continued to lash out.  After getting counselling myself (from two doctors) and many other terrible episodes, I stepped back from the verge of a nervous breakdown and we stopped communicating almost completely - except for the email saying that he hated me - that after I'd let him know that his grandmother had been just hospitalized.

Now that another year has passed in a blackout, I did get a call recently. He said he was sorry for being so mean in the past. I felt it was a great step forward for us;  we had a great conversation...but now we're just getting sarcastic email again.  Apparently no change.  

Neither my husband nor myself have an issue with him being gay - we love him and we know that we all have to be the people we were born to be - but we were so close in years past. It's like he's going through the rebellion he never went through as a teen, only worse.  My husband hates the way he's treated me & his grandparents, and I'm afraid there are wounds that will never be healed.

I don't know if there are good steps are bad steps to take to try to help, but one thing that has helped me is to try & think of him as another adult friend, not my son. Very hard!  Would I put up with this behavior from someone else? No. It's hard to do - love messes it up - but it has helped  to try to become more objective.

I've also gotten involved with a local non-profit.  If you want to ease the sadness in your world, try helping someone else who is grateful for even a small blanket or just a bowl of soup.

I'm hoping my son will come back to us,  not as he was before, but as a wonderful, happy man who wants to share in our family life. We'll welcome him with open arms.




Blank
Avatar_f_tn
I sure could use that web site...I seem to be having a problem posting this...I'll try again.  Yes, the pain of my adult kids is literally destroying me.
Blank
Avatar_n_tn
I have the same situation as many of you.  Four grown sons who offer me little support or consideration.  I refuse to do a guilt trip or grovel.  I agree that the best course may be to distance myself and  build my own satisfactory relationships.
Blank
Avatar_n_tn
Hi

Availablescrname, I also have 4 grown sons who sound like yours.   I can ignore 3 of them and not let them bother me.   However, the 4th one and his 2 children live with us.   The mom walked out when the children were very young.   They are now 7 and 6.   I get along with them and we are very close.   I even homeschool them.   My son seems to resent this closeness that we have and he gets very nasty with me at times.   I'm not really sure how to deal with this.   I do not want to lose my grandchildren when they eventually move out.   It's pretty tough.   I've gotten past the other 3 and I just pray that I never need to depend on any of them.
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
To those of you who are still giving money to your adult kids and/or allowing your adult kids to still live with you while they continue to treat you with disrespect.....tell them the well has gone dry and they will have to move and become a real adult.  Then take their bed down and do not allow them to ever live with you again.  Absolutely no one deserves to be treated with such disrespect.  If they take your grandkids from you, so be it, take their a$$ to court, there is a law it is called "Grandparents rights"  The can NOT legally take the kids from you, you have the right to see and be with your grandkids.now this varies from state to state, in some cases you can get custody of them, so read up on it, in your state.  Read this http://www.enotes.com/everyday-law-encyclopedia/grandparents-rights
but whatever you do, please do NOT allow anyone to treat you with disrespect, especially your own kid.
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
Just wondering how you folks are doing? I have a similiar story to tell, hence I can sympathise with you. :(
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
I am a single Mom going what you have gone thru....my heart is broken...If you are interested I would like to tell you my story and learn how yours has turned out a couple years later..... Thank you
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
I'm not sure where to begin.  I am so grateful to have found this site.  I cannot believe how terrible these stories are and yet they all hit home.  Never in a million years did I ever imagine that I would have a son who disrespects me and hates me.  The same son that I believed thought I was wonderful.  This 22 year old man used to be my hearts joy.  I didn't just think of us as mother and son, but as friends.  So why is that I am unable to get out of bed because we've had to throw him out for the second time.  Oh, and he's just so cold.  You'd think he was raised without love, without joy.  

He barely talks to me, but according to his girlfriend he talks about me.  Nothing good of course.  My son tells lies and he actually believes his lies.  

I spoke with him today and I told him that I didn't want us to hate each other.  He said he didn't hate me but I don't believe him.  He certainly doesn't treat me with love.  I think the girlfriend has turned him against me, but my heart says no one should be able to do that if he really loved me.  So I have two other sons and I'm so afraid that they just may decide to hate me to.  Funny thing is, just like all the rest of you on this forum, I thought I was a great parent.  Perfect, no.  But pretty dang good.  

He's out there and he doesn't want me to know where he's at.  He hasn't any assets.  I'm worried about him, but I know I need to let go.  Perhaps he just needs his space.  Last night as he was packing he said he was leaving and that he was never coming back to this house again.  

Wow! And all I ever did was love him his entire life.  I remember I would read to him the passage from the book, "I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, as long as  I'm living my baby you'll be".  I miss that person.
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
barbara 2

Hi, I'm another heart broken mum.
I would like to offer some reflection:

It is particularly true that we have to let go of this brightly painted, hoped-for picture of the children we wished or wish for and instead look with open eyes, with clarity and wisdom, at the ugly truth.
It’s the only way to move on, I believe.
We need to be proactive. MAKE the moves.

Often I think the attachment to our children is too much, too overwhelming. Particularly after reading so many of these posts, on this site and others, I find this confirmed, also after talking and trying to support fellow abused parents. Some true horror stories.

And yet – still we hope, still we try, still we bear abuse, still we cannot let go. “Hope dies last” – we hang on to it like drowning women.

In many cases we also define ourselves, our worth, by how the “kids” – who are no longer kids – turn out or how they treat us. How proud mothers can be at their children’s successes! How despondend are they when the children “fail” or turn out “bad”.

It has often been mentioned in threads like this that we DO have to look at the behaviour and respect of our children as if they were adult friends or other relatives. Most of us would stand that kind of atrocious behaviour from no-one! We would choose to remove ourselves from the situation.

Issues like loneliness and need also play a big role, particularly for older folks. Support, company, love and meaning can and need to be sought elsewhere, as the children do not offer any.

I am working very hard on myself to let go.
My own mind is what I need to take care of.
I work with meditation, wise reflection, positive affirmations and mindfulness. I acknowledge my feelings as clearly and honestly as possible. But I try not to identify with them. I know that everything is impermanent and that we do have the power and the wisdom to change our lives, if we train our minds in the right way, in a wholesome, healthy, wise way.

My heart reaches out to all of you. I have cried many tears over these stories. Broken hearts just like mine.

Life is full of suffering. That is a fact.
Over and over again we practice to face Life bravely, with courage and confidence in ourselves, with faith and trust in ourselves and the process.
Much Love to all of you.
Blank
Avatar_m_tn
thought I was alone with all of this, my 40 year old son doesn't like me either, but i did everything wrong and I guess he has a right to his feelings
and if I could have known better, would have done it all different...

I can feel all your pain, talking is good, but I don't think the pain of a child actively hating you will ever ever go away
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
My son who is 32 yrs old has recently rejected me in his life, he told me that
I ruined his life, which I did Not ruin his life.  He is married and has 2 kids, and they're very cute,  This all just happened, my husband (not the father) and I have been married 9 yrs, and he was happy as could be when we got married.  This started about 4 1/2 yrs ago, his wife, I tried very hard to befriend her and make her always feel at home, taking her out to lunch ect, but I was never good enough for her or her family.  Her family treated me like I was a stray dog or something. I am very blessed to have a daughter still who wants a relationship and a wonderful christian husband.  So basically I put my son and the whole issue at Jesus feet, and gave him the situation, in this I find peace.  I do miss them and occasionally send them cards gifts ect.  but...know if I never see them again in this lifetime, because of the fact that I turned it over to the Lord, hopefully when I'm older and pass on I will see them there when they move on from this lifetime.  I have a wonderful peace knowing that God is in control and there is nothing I can do about it, but I know that God will and knows everything.  He knows that lies have been made up about me, and he knows how I've been treated, I don't need to defend myself anymore.  So whoever is out there with this same issue, please turn it over to the Lord, and don't let bitterness eat you up inside any longer.

God Bless
Blank
Avatar_n_tn
     I am 65 years old and have a 37 year old son, who became estranged at age 18 when he went to live with his wealthy father.  My son thought he would be able to have this dream relationship with a man who never supported in any fashion the three children we had together.  My ex spent more money to keep from paying child support than it would have cost him to PAY the child support.  It was a surprise to me that my, then 18 year old was even in contact with his father, since the father never visited, called or anything.  From the time that my son went to be with his father who had one live in girl friend after another, he became distant.  He and his father had many problems and eventually the father tossed him out of his business and they were estranged.  I did what I could for my son as he was always in financial trouble.      He had several girlfriends but they always left. My son always had a reason that was the girl's fault because it didn't work out.  Holidays for the next years were always inconvenient for him to come to see me or his sisters that were still at home  because he was so busy courting his father's relatives so that he could receive financial benefits.   Four years ago after many futile attempts to reconnect with my son, I had come to the place that this was just the way it was.  Any attempt on my part to connect was met with some kind of resistance.   After being extremely close with my children when they were young, I had grieved to the point that I had to change myself, or I thought I had.
     Two of my daughters started to tell me that his wife of 8 years and my son were having very bad problems.  He had married a girl that was a problem from the time she was 12 who belonged to a family that had a mile long record of domestic problems.  She had also been a stripper at one time.  They had two daughters and she had a daughter 2 when they married.   I give this much detail because my son was a good kid, made good grades, was very close to me for he was my only son.  And yet he made the most horrific choices in his life, choices that always led to problems.  He did not learn this behavior at home and I swear, He had better judgement at 12 than I have seen him make as an adult.  I don't understand his thinking at all.
       Now back to four years ago, after having no time for me at all, after barely even knowing his children----he starts to call me to "just talk" which quickly turned into "let's talk about my problems" and the calls esculated to daily calls about his problems in his marriage.  His wife had started to drink and run around with other men.  He had been locked up once for domestic violence, and I found myself on the phne for hours at a time trying to advise him about the legal way to hndle these problems.  To make a long, long story short, they finally divorced.  But the drama never ends.  I have dropped everything I am doing to go and help his with his three daughters who have been through this awful mess.   When he first started to come to my house an hour away, the youngest two said to me, "...and what's your name?"  
      I have baby sat, went to clean his house, wash his clothes,stay over night with the girls because he has custody of themso that he would not loose his job when he had to go out of town.   So I SAW THIS as a opportunity to reconnect with my long lost son.   His sisters have helped him with light bills, car payments, groceries and I have given him money to help when it put me short.   His sisters have bought his childrens clothes for the last three years.  His wealthy father has given him ZIP!  His father's wealthy family has given him ZIP!  They live within 3 miles of his house, I live 50 miles away and yet if he has needed a sitter, I am who he called and I went.  In these four years he has not once been to my house on Mother's Day, Christmas, came once on Thanksgiving and was a total wreck.
   NOW TO THE GOOD PART!  I just learned that I will have to have emergency surgery next week. I called my 3 daughters to tell them and received what any person who is ill should receive from their children, verbal support!    I called my son and this is his exact words, "Mama you are going to have to come to my house after the operation or to the middle sisters house so that we can look after you because we can't drop- everything we are doing to drive an hour just to check on you"-----------------------No I'm not going to do that son, I'm just calling to let you know about it so you will know what is going on-----"Well, I can tell your going to do just what you want to"----His new wife was on speaker phone and I told him " You know your right , I'm going to do what is best for me and thank you for all your compassion and  you know, I don't think I have ever had someone to get angry when I told them about something like this that I can't help.  No I will not be coming to your house where there are four children and don't worry about coming to check on me I will be fine."  What a selfish piece of sh------- I have RAISED.  I believe that does it for me, if another word is spoken between us, it will be him calling me and I will not listen to anymore crap, no more mpney, time---Grow Up My SON.
    
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
oh my goodness, this has got tobe the end times. You know the scriptures does say that the children will turn from the parents(to paraphrase) I am 46 and is going through a similiar situation with my 23 yr old who's staying with me in an extended stay and is now just realizing that I am to be blamed for just about anything bad in his life!! Of course his father and I are divorced and you know the typical sngle mother looking out for the children and taking them away from the big bad wolf!! their father. I say we should leave them with the wolf and maybe they will appreciate us mothers better!!
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
i have the same issues my son was raised with so much love  ... he has become very disrespectful he curse he thinks because he's grown and live on his own that he can say and do what he want's around me this started when he was 19 he's 23 now told me to stay out of his life and i have been doing so im hurt and in pain he's my first son we was bf's we would talk all the time now since he lives on his on he don't want my advice about anything when he told me to stay out of his life and that he don't need me are want me in his life it broke my heart i have a granddaughter they bring her over and all i can  say is hi and kiss her the mom raps her arms around her so that i cant pick her up this is really upsetting the hurt of being treated like this i cant believe they  come to my house every week to visit his younger brother and sister he don't speak to me at all i go in my room and close my door and at this point i don't know what to do i want to speak but i feel he's my son out of respect he should speak i love my son and my sweet granddaughter at this point im ready to get my house key and tell him not to come in my house anymore .... any advice.
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
Hello...I was glad to read your post and also glad that other mothers have had the strength to ask for help.  I too have had my son recently tell me how much he hates me for divorcing his dad when he was 6 years old.  My son is now 38 and I now know that he has hated me for most of his life.  I had remarried to a wonderful man who helped me raise him with love, caring, wisdom with what we knew, support in all he did, etc.  His bilogical father was an alcoholic who abused me both physically and verbally. I have a daughter who is now 29 by my 2nd husband and raised her with my son.  He has resented her all these years as well  The pain I hold is so unexplainable...so difficult.  I know people say we must let go..I have allowed my son space and time.  I never have forced myself on him or his wife. My husband and I have supported every decision, supported them financially when they asked, and loved them....and now, he has expressed how much he hates me.  If you find anything in your life that has worked to ease this pain I am so willing to listen.  I am at the point of giving up the pain in some way.  Thank you for your courage to post this.
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
I,too am in the situation where I raised my son with love,kindness and attention only to be treated now with indifference and hostility.I don't understand it....we were really close when he was growing up,did everything together.He was a caring,sweet,thoughtful child.As soon as he hit 18....it all changed.I thought it was just one of those growing up things,that he would eventually find his way back.He is 29 now and I am still waiting.He has a wife,whom I adore,and 2 beautiful daughters.I am lucky to have a good relationship with them,but his obvious dislike of me is so confusing and hurtful.I keep thinking back ....what did I do to him that made him dislike me so much,and can find no answeres.His father and I went through a rough patch about 10 years ago,and all I can think is that he heard some of the arguments,and possibly blames me for the trouble we were having.I have given him everything...love,financial help,bought them food when they needed it,let him borrow my cars when they were down to one....I never even get a birthday or mothers day card.He treats me like I have a contagious disease ,looks at me with disdain,and flinches when I try to show him any affection.He is selfish,when we were generous,thoughtless,when we were thoughtful,insensitive and controlling.I finally realized...I did what I could.This is his problem,not mine.He doesn't seem to like anyone,and pretty soon....no one will like him and he will be old and alone.It breaks my heart.
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
Hi I have found this site today and I am so amazed at all the pain and heartache.  Let me tell my story.  My son brought a girlfriend home and because he loved her I did my best to make her feel welcome, at Christmas I would give her really nice presents which I hoped would make her feel special. After one visit I received a phone call from my son saying that his girlfriend said I was trying too hard. I felt like I had been stabbed but decided to back off a bit, a while later another phone call to say that his girlfriend said I had rejected her.  My son had a passing out parade my husband and I (not his father) attended. We went into a refreshment building before the parade and saw that his girlfriend was talking with a few people so rather than interrupt we decided to get a cup of tea. When the parade was due to start we looked for her to join us outside, but no sign of her. After the ceremony she joined us for a minute and then disappeared again.  Later on I got a phone call from my son to say that we had rejected her and ignored her, both untrue.  They decided to get married, I was not given any part in the planning of the wedding etc even though I gave my son some money. The wedding was awful, my daughter in lawn did not speak to me. My son did not mention me in his speech. I was made to feel an outsider and it was heartbreaking. I asked please could I see the wedding photos so I could choose some to be told that they had sent them back.   A few months after their wedding I went around to their house as I was so desperate to sort things out. At first my son and his wife were very pleasant and I started to relax and to be thankful that perhaps things were ok. However, my son said lets stop the nicey niceys' at this my daughter in law started to say I had done this and I had done that and demanding I apologise.  You know it felt like someone had stabbled me a dozen times, in fact I started to shake, I was crying and I was in a terrible state.  My daughter in law just sat there and my son also, neither of them did anything about my distress.  His wife became pregnant and I was so pleased for them, they had a scan, I asked to see the scan and was told there were not enough copies.  When the baby was born I rushed to the hospital,laden with flowers a big balloon and lots of gifts. I told her was a clever girl she was etc.  I did not see much of my grandson. When he was christened i was not allowed to hold him and have no photos of him on that day. Then I was invited to his 2nd birthday party, I was delighted, but a week before that when I rang their home to congratulate her on her choice of new home, I was verbally abused by  his wife and once again I was in floods of tears.  I still went to the party and my grandson was so lovely even at two he made a real fuss of me, kept coming for me to see his toys and brought me food from the table.  Anyway, I was told by my sons wife that I had not spoken and had been rude at the party, which was not true.;

I did back off for a while because of this but continued to send my grandson, cards and presents.  However, I received a text to say that they had decided that as I had not seen my grandson for a while that i should not see him again. I was heartbroken, I sent a text to my son asking where the compassionate guy had gone as I did not recognise him to be accused by his wife of sending abusive messages. I rang my son so upset was i, he put his wife on and she really went to town. I said that one day she would have grandchildren and she would know how awful it was not to see them, she replied 'well you wont be around then will you'.  I was so heartbroken that I went out with my dogs and asked God to kill me.  It has taken me a couple of years to try and deal with all the anguish etc. However, I heard that they were expecting another baby this July. did not know when.  They have had a girl and no photos and no invitation to see her.    When I was younger I got pregnant and would not have an abortion and at that time I felt that the baby should be adopted. A guilt and grief I have had to bear. However, last year I got in touch with my son who was adopted and we started e-maling etc; we were at the stage when we were going to meet.  However, he got in touch with my son and his wife and told me that my daughter-in-law had told him what I was like so now he does not want to speak or have anything to do with me. I will leave it your imaginations to realise how devastating  this was. I have recently learnt that he has met my son and his wife.  Please someone help, I am in such a dark place.
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
Hi can you tell me whether this site is still operational as I see that most of communication is from 2008/9 and I have posted something and no replies.

Thanks
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
Having just discovered this site yesterday, I don't know if it is operational either.  It is somewhat disconcerting and yet helpful as well to know that there are many other parents who are experiencing the deep pain of grief because of their children's rejection of them.

It seems that your DIL has not respected you since the beginning, and your son has allowed her to do so.  Apparently, she has called the shots from day one.  That disrespect should have been nipped in the bud right then and there.  Your love for your son prevented you from standing up for yourself and demanding the respect you deserve as his mother.

We are all on a journey in this life.  We were purchased at a great price and belong to God.  We choose the path we take to either love God or not.  It's obvious by their actions who have turned their backs on God.  When His children turn their backs on Love Itself, He lets them go; He does not force Himself on anyone. He doesn't need us; we need Him.  We as parents represent that relationship.  We gave our children life, food, shelter, clothing and, most of all, the incomprehensible love we will always have for them.  You also gave your adopted son life and, as difficult as it must have been, a material life you could not give him at the time he was born by placing him in the arms of others you trusted would raise your son well.  We also have to remember that we ourselves cannot forsake God.  We lead by our example, even if that means we have to detach ourselves emotionally from what we hold most dear in life, our own children, because God comes first.  We belong to Him first and foremost.  All we can do is the best we can do and let God do the rest.  After doing all we can do, all that is left is to pray.  Pray every day to the Blessed Mother of all that she will lead us all home to God.  It may takes years, but hopefully, before they die, our children will open their eyes to the truth and amend their lives before it is too late.
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
Thank you so much for replying to my post and for your understanding and comforting words.  Yes how right you are that my dil disrespect should have been nipped in the bud by me or my son.  They have just had another baby and I dont think they will let me see her as I have not been allowed to see my grandson for over 2 years for no reason. However, I was reading where it says not to be overcome by evil but overcome evil with good. So I have sent them some presents for the baby, books for my grandson and a very nice card of congratulations.   I think however, they may see that as weakness and think that because they have been so cruel and uncaring to me I still send them presents. I must admit I do get a bit confused about this - am I rewarding bad behaviour by sending these presents and being loving?
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
Hi, I sent a reply to you a little while ago, but it never posted.  Don't know why.  Anyway, I hope this post gets to you.

Yes, even though your DIL and son still disrespect you, you cannot let that interfere with your life.  It's obvious they desperately want to live a life separate from yours.  You cannot change that, so let them go.  Hopefully, in time your son will realize his mistake and contact you.  You have done all that you could.  That's all you can do.  The ball is in their court now.  Sending your grandchildren gifts and a card was a lovely way to show your love for them because of the new baby and for your grandson.  If anyone would think that was a sign of weakness, there is something wrong with them.  None of us can control what others think of us.  We need to get past that.  In your heart you know you did what was right.  Defining how to overcome evil with good is difficult, isn't it?  Life is messy.  It's time to get on with your life now and set an example for how you want your children to live their lives.  The humiliation needs to end now.
Blank
Avatar_n_tn
WHEN SOMEONE WONT TREAT YOU WITH RESPECT THEN YOU MUST MAKE A CHOICE TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. THIS CHILD IS GROWN AND YOU CANT MAKE HIM BE WHAT YOU WANT. ALL YOU CAN DO IS STOP HIM FROM BEING IN YOUR LIFE UNTIL HE GROWS UP AND DECIDES TO LIVE  IN THE HERE AND NOW. I HAVE ONE WHO IS THE SAME BUT I CUT OFF THE CONNECTION AND THEN TURNED IT OVER TO GOD HE HAS RESPECT WHEN WE TALK NOW BECUZ I CAN CUT OUT THE POISON THAT COMES INTO MY LIFE . YOU CANT CHANGE ANYTHING YOU CAN ONLY LIVE IN TODAY. SO PRAY AND SEEVER THE TIES UNTIL CAN  TREAT U RIGHT. U WILL BE HAPPIER IF YOU STAND UP AND STOP THE INSANITY.
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
Thank you for sharing your stories, it is very healing, I have two sons both are angry that I wasn't rich enough, I wasn't perfect enough, I wasn't educated enough etc etc, the oldest though he has those thoughts, thanks me for what I taught him, because he took those lessens and became a successful person, while the kids he grew up with, who thought I was sooo mean because I taught him to work for what he wanted and made him sit and study before play, are now living at home, drunks and drugged, So I did my job.

Of course I'm so uncool, and of course his wife hates me and rolls her eyes at me, and of course she wouldn't be successful if it weren't for my son teaching her what I taught him and him taking care of her, though I have never said a word about it, so they stay away, I'm an unacceptable person in their new life of riches and society.

As for my younger who has a completely opposite personality, whom I did my best to teach the same, and fought me since he was a toddler because all he wanted to do is chase after his older brother instead of sitting for a few minutes to learn, does all he can to tell everyone what a victim he is, yet, when people get tired of him they cut him off, and on to the next bunch he goes, until he hits rock bottom and when he figured that he has to grow up and do the work for himself, which I am glad he figured out because he is back in college and back working, but he still treats me like crap and continues the "victim" rant.

I'm not perfect and have made mistakes, but nothing to call the police or psychologists about. Except, I wasn't able to protect them from the world and others once they grew up or when they where rebellious and got themselves in trouble.

But I did the best I could to to be there for them and direct them to a better path. And like the rest of you I gave up my life, to strengthen the family unit. And like the rest of you I did my job, and they moved on and made their own family unit which does not include me. Some of that is my fault because I refused to be manipulated by them and trashed in order to have a relationship with them, maybe my skin isn't thick enough to endure that type of constant abuse.

Either way, their horrid behavior, had it's effects on my health, and I decided that though I love them, and though I'm proud of them in so many ways... I DON'T LIKE THEM! AND THEY ARE ABUSIVE TO ME, And before I completely hate them, I have cut them off from my life, if it is possible for a mom to hate her own kids, I kind of doubt it, but it is getting pretty close to it. does it hurt? heck yes it hurts deeper than anything I've ever ever experienced. but I am responsible to handle that hurt the day I conceived, and yes If I knew than what I know now, I would have never had kids, was it worth it? I let you know on the last day that I take breath, but today, I say no.

Maybe in 20 years my children will be on a forum asking, "why does mom hate me so much? Mom is missing the grandchildren growing up. It hurts sooo bad!"

Screw them! I'm getting on with my life without them, and chalk it up to experience. Of course they will be in my prayers for life, but that is about it.

I can't have a relationship that is only one sided, If they ever want to know mom again, they will have to grow up and reach out themselves.
But seriously, I doubt they will in the next 20 or 30 years, because I have nothing to give them that they value, such as social and money, and that is what is important to young adults.
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
I am a mother of a 27 yr old soldier who has veen in iraq and is now in afghanistan he is home on mid tour has not called us and told us if we wanted too come see him instead of meeting halfwsy which is a fiftern hr drive for us and healtj prob too boit buy we would have too wait till a few days before he leaves before we come..have had many lies tpld one and dtinls ways too much nn I just cant seem too do anything right hes married and has a son who is two weve seen very little of
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
Your story could be mine!  My two older sons, ages 23 and 21, are angry because I believe in God and have morals and values different from theirs, which is complete moral relativism.  My  eldest son ignores me/thinks I'm insane.  My 21 year-old has an incredible contemptuous hatred of me.  Like you, I taught my boys to be self-sufficient and responsible.  I also gave them everything I could so they could have a happy, secure, loving childhood.  I thought they would grow into noble, honorable men.  What a fool I was!

My two sons have completely opposite personalities also.  My younger son fought with me over everything.  He argued with me constantly.  The disrespect and contempt for me became so bad that I had to kick him out of the house a month ago.  Since then the verbal abuse, lies, hatred and utter disrespect has gotten worse.  He plays the victim game with other people very well.  What they must think of me I can't possible imagine.

Like you, I wasn't able to protect them from the world.  I had hoped that I built a strong enough foundation to withstand the errors of the world.  Unfortunately, they fell for it lock, stock, and barrel.  

I agree with you that, in order to protect myself, I need to cut them out of my life as well.  Yes, it hurts very much.  But to continue on this path would be worse.  I will pray for them for the rest of my life.  As long as they're alive, there's hope.  I will hold on to that hope.
Blank
Avatar_n_tn
I am always reminded of this commandment, "Love your neighbors as you love YOURSELF." We oftentimes forget how to love ourselves and we so desperately seek to find that love in others but we end up getting hurt because the love we give is not reciprocated or appreciated.  For me, to love oneself would mean to step back and not hold on to things we do not have control of.  If children don't show love or give respect, then we cannot force them to do so.  We can only let them go and surrender everything to God.  There are a lot of people in this world who are hurting and who feel alone, we can look for them and share our presence and concerns with them and turn our attention to things that give life and hope and not be remorseful over things that we cannot change.  We, can however, pray for them, and stay open to the possibility of reconciliation if the child seeks it.  Love is not forced. It is always a choice.  If children choose not to love their parents anymore, that's a decision (with corresponding consequences) they have to live with for the rest of their lives. But as parents, we cannot just allow anyone (even our own kids) to abuse, hurt and make us feel less of a person or unworthy.  They do these kinds of negative actions just because they can and we let them to.  It is imperative to show them that we love ourselves enough to back off and let go so we could restore our self confidence, self-worth and self-respect.  If we decide to love ourselves, then people would see that and those who understand would respect and cherish us. God bless us all.
Blank
Avatar_m_tn
"Nenele" gave very valuable comments that I have already attempted to actively do.
I understand the vapid emptiness that comes with wondering what ? happened to that wonderful person I knew so well just last summer. How my life has turned upside down since then. Reach out to others and it does help.  Others value me although the one person, my child, appears to only do it conditionally.  How I miss the person I formerly knew, & pray and love unconditionally the one who they have become.  It is VERY hard to love in that manner, & only with God's help have I been able to.
My best thoughts, prayers, & wishes to all of us in our shared grief.
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
Half-Past Three

My friend has a yacht, a house by the sea,
but I have a boy who is half-past three.

I have no jewels, no satin gown,
But I have a boy who is butter-nut brown.

My friend has an orchid, my friend has a rose,
But I have a boy with a freckled nose.

O gull, tell the waves that I have no yacht.
Wind, tell the wild forget-me-not.

That I have no jewels, no shimmering gown,
No satin slippers, no pillows of down.

But I have a robin, a wind-swept hill,
A pocket of dreams, a heart to fill,

And I have a boy who is half-past three--
A little lad who looks like me.

Emily Carey Alleman

But now my little boy is all grown up and hates me.
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
It sounds like you might be suffering from mental illness.  The depression, obsessing etc.  Suggests you need professional help.  Reality is if he has stated he wants nothing to do with you then you are obligated to respect this and not violate his boundaries.  Persistence only proves persistence not love.  If you continue to seek support the way you have all you are getting is outsiders trying to make you feel better but a giving you the wrong idea about what he is supposedly thinking/feeling rather than hearing HIM.  This may be a hard habit to break for you but sometimes people who have been estranged look for people to support the idea that that rejection you are experiencing isn't the real deal.   Best you get help and move on and find healthier way to deal with your grief.
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
You can tell a great deal about a man by how he treats his mother.

Are you a mother?  Have you ever felt the natural, maternal love that cannot compare to any other love that a mother has for her child?  Have you ever felt the heartache when a child rejects his mother's love?

What are your credentials?
Blank
Avatar_n_tn
I read through most of these.  Has anyone found counseling that helped deal with the problems?  My issue relates to 20 year old son 18 year girlfriend and new baby.  They asked if she could live here with baby.  First month went well and the last two months are unbearable because girlfriend is angry at me all the time and son is not working, addicted to video games, and very rude and controlling toward me and our home.

The video game issues have been for a long time, and have been a constant fight. When the girlfriend came along about 2 years ago, he quit the games, but there were big issues about wanting to have sex here and moving to fast (his first serious girl).  Once she got pregnant he went back to playing video games.  They both have issues and are angry at me all time.  My son has anger issues and throws things and name calling etc. if I tell him he needs to stop the video games or to do something a little differently in the house.  I am married to his stepfather who he treats better but still gets upset if my husband comes to my defense.  

The last time I brought up the the video games (he has just started back to school, but doesn't apply himself at all), he threatened to leave (among many other mean things he said) and that I would never see my grandson again.  They are both using the baby as weapons against me.

I have helped with the baby when asked but try to keep a stand back approach.  But of course I enjoy holding him and interacting, and they are not allowing this at all, and basically ignore my pressence.  

I have to figure out a way to get my son out of the house without a big blow up.  My health and my marriage are suffering.  It breaks my heart, to be treated this way, and to know they can very well use the baby and withhold him from me.  And like many others, I have tried very hard to be supportive, providing a home, food, and baby items, maternity clothes etc.  

So back to the original question--has anyone used a counselor to help them deal with how this situation is affecting them?  I went to one and she suggested that I needed to try to improve and repair the relationship.  I have been so very nonconfrontational and accepting with the situation and past experience indicates that they will deny there is a problem or treat me badly, and I am already way to beat down and depressed to take any more of that.
Blank
Avatar_n_tn
Hi,

I hope that at least some of you are doing better.   Things continue to get worse here.   My son (has 2 children) who lives with us has a new fiance.   She has 3 children.   She was nice to me at first, but is now rude.   She dismisses me by ignoring what I have to say.   If I talk, she will start talking to her kids or to my son and she ignores what I have to say.   My son is trying to pull my grandchildren away from me.    I cannot wait for them to get married so that my son leaves our house.    I just hope I don't lose my grandchilren in the process.   My son talked about wanting one big happy family, but it seems like that includes everyone but me.   He won't even let my granddaughter sit with me at Church anymore.   He insists he wants all the children together in the back.   It's all so hurtful and I am SO tired of crying over it all.    I think that once my son leaves it might get better for me.   However, his fiance is pregnant, so that's another issue.   At least, I can make it a point not to get attached to the baby.  I am sick of being used.   I don't do my son's laundry, but I do my grandchildren's laundry.   If I don't, it doesn't get done and they have nothing to wear.   I have stopped buying them new clothes and we have cut off any money to our son.   The tension on the weekends is so horrid.   It was my birthday recently and 3 of my boys just ignored it-----including the one living with us.    It's not that I want an expensive gift, but just some little thing that shows they care or at least remember.  (Mother's Day is always the same way.)  The new fiance sent an email but no gift or card.   A month ago I gave her a few lovely gifts for her birthday.    That is the last time for that.   I think we just plain did too much for our kids.   It's so disturbing to see awful way they treat me.     I have always heard that a man will treat his wife the way he treats his mother.   But my boys are all absolutely wonderful to their wives/girlfriends.   Not sure what that means.

No, I have not tried counseling.   I really can't afford it and none of my family would agree to go.   My health is also suffering.   Hopefully, I can hang in here for a few more months.   My son and I used to be so close when he was younger.   It's so sad to lose that, but I can no longer stand the stress.   It breaks my heart to see so very many of us in such pain------especially when the pain is caused by those who should love and care about us.  
Blank
1801408_tn?1315899025
hi, read all the stories. so sad. im going through the same thing. first my daughter 24 met a man on the computer a school teacher 52 and married him. everything was good till they had there first daughter. she lived with me till nevaeh was 7 months old then he wanted them to come live with him. he was married at the time. so then i didnt get to see my granddaughter nomore. he picked so bad on me she would cause so many problems and lied so bad. i had a break down and had to get on medicine. 2007. just this year we started talking again. but she had a baby boy i didnt know about. they are 4 and 16 months. i missed so much of there life. now my son 25 he has put me through so much for years. he has bipolar wont take his med. so he self medicates by beer and drugs. i have done so much for my kids. i never raised them to do this. he controlls all his girl friends, wont let them do anything. he cheats, abuses them. he punches his fist up against my face. calls me horrible names.this last weekend he went to jail for 3 days for dui. he not talking to me again. he said he hates me. he was pushing me in parking lot and gave me whip lash, it hurts so bad, numb arms, fingers. so stressed out. he said he will never tell me sorry. i cant take it nomore. i dont know how to cut off the money. it seems like i try to buy there love and i need to stop it. i cry myself to sleep all the time asking god to take me. can anyone help me? i need advise. i have a very big heart. thanks
Blank
Avatar_n_tn
Hi Mary Lou,
I feel your pain. I sympathise with you. I wish I could give you a solution but I can't. I don't know what to do myself. I am in the middle of an awful divorce and my beloved children have broken off all contact with me and I am going out of my mind over it. I just can't turn off my feelings. I can't beIieve this is happening to me. I love them. I write to them but they never reply. I had to leave the house because of the laws of the country I am living in and since then they have totally taken the side of the man I was married to and his mother. They don't see me as having any rights.  I used to think I got on well with them. The pain is excruciating. I hope things work out well for you. I am sure you were a good mother. From what you write, you seem like a good person.  Anyway, I wish you well. We don't know what is in the future. Maybe, things will work out, for you and for me. Good luck.
Blank
Avatar_n_tn
I couldn't breathe as I read this because what you wrote is just exactly what I feel. The only differences are that I don't have grandchildren and my children were daughters. Everything else you write, I could have written too. I also stayed in an awful marriage for my childrens' sake, thinking it was the right thing to do. And while my husband made me terribly unhappy, my children brought me great happiness. Now they have cut off all contact with me. I can't stand the pain sometimes. At least we are not alone. No matter how awful we feel, there are other people in the world who feel the exact same. Let us just hope that things will improve some day, for us and for everyone else with the same problem.  
Blank
Avatar_m_tn
I went to see my 25 year old son who has a girlfriend-not engaged, but stay together.
I seen her car in front of a bar....I went in and was not really mean, just advised her that while my son was at work, she needed to be home, and not all souped up in the bar....apparently she is a drinker.   As for my son, I don't believe he is a "drinker".  She is 22, and already into the bar scene-he supports it and tells me and flies off at me in front of her....taking her side.
I just simply told both of them that I suspected they "she" drove under the influence to get home.
My son went off on me...in front of her, he disrespected me and then she had her say as well.
What is wrong with this picture?  Someone help me.  They are not engaged and I do not want my son marrying a drinker.

He was reared in a Christian home.  Well, not to drink like "she" is drinking.
Blank
Avatar_m_tn
I went to see my 25 year old son who has a girlfriend-not engaged, but stay together.
I seen her car in front of a bar....I went in and was not really mean, just advised her that while my son was at work, she needed to be home, and not all souped up in the bar....apparently she is a drinker.   As for my son, I don't believe he is a "drinker".  She is 22, and already into the bar scene-he supports it and tells me and flies off at me in front of her....taking her side.
I just simply told both of them that I suspected they "she" drove under the influence to get home.
My son went off on me...in front of her, he disrespected me and then she had her say as well.
What is wrong with this picture?  Someone help me.  They are not engaged and I do not want my son marrying a drinker.

He was reared in a Christian home.  Well, not to drink like "she" is drinking.
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
Few words, but exactly how I feel as well, as soon as my son finishes his HSC in four weeks, he can go too.  My husband died two years ago and I have  tried my very best with him, but he is verbally abusive towards his younger sister and myself and was so years before my husband died.  The past two years especially has been an emotional as well as financial nightmare, but it is wonderful reading everyone's comments to know that there are other people out there who just seem to have a child who simply doesn't like them, and are advising that we really have  done our best and have to look after ourselves.  Life is just too short.  My husband always used to say that I tried too hard with my son - maybe I have - but it worries me that my son thinks of it as a weakness and treats both my daughter and I with such disdain, verbal abuse and disrespect.  
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
Few words, but exactly how I feel as well, as soon as my son finishes his HSC in four weeks, he can go too.  My husband died two years ago and I have  tried my very best with him, but he is verbally abusive towards his younger sister and myself and was so years before my husband died.  The past two years especially has been an emotional as well as financial nightmare, but it is wonderful reading everyone's comments to know that there are other people out there who just seem to have a child who simply doesn't like them, and are advising that we really have  done our best and have to look after ourselves.  Life is just too short.  My husband always used to say that I tried too hard with my son - maybe I have - but it worries me that my son thinks of it as a weakness and treats both my daughter and I with such disdain, verbal abuse and disrespect.  
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
I cant believe what I am reading! I too am going through the exact same thing with my son! I have cried a river and nothing I have done has ever been enough, my own mother tells me to get on with my life that my son is now a grown man and I did my best, but like you I am distraught! I know the pain you are both feeling so well. And I totally know and understand every word you are saying. What we are to do I do not know, as like you I have done everything I possibly can. The pain is so bad and the tears never seem to dry up. Thinking of you Both during this dreadful time x
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
To Every Heartbroken Mum, we are all united in our Pain, together may we all find the love, courage, and strength we all so badly need to repair our Broken Hearts. x
Blank
Avatar_m_tn
You could be telling my story. My youngest son (age 41) will not call me. The only time that we are together, I make the move and invite them over or they feel guilty and invite me over. This is a rare occasion. He and his wife of three years have nothing to do with me unless they have to.

I was married to his father for 27 years in an emotionally abusive relationship because I needed to stay for the children, then his father left with the latest woman that he had been involved with during our marriage. I was a "hang right in there" parent. with my children. My ex husband had little to do with the children during the marriage or after it. He lived his own life.

Now that my son has married he has adopted his wife's parents as his own. I hear about them doing fun things together. I'm never invited or included in their lives. I have not done anything to hurt them but, when my children were small I had depression and migraines often. I don't know if he is holding that against me or not.  I had a hard time, but I didn't leave because knowing that I could not raise my sons on my own financially.

I have asked him if I have done anything to make him mad at me. He says no but then acts like he hates me. I live alone and my other son and daughter in law live far away. They are supportive and call me.

From what I am reading, I think the best thing that I can do is to stop contacting them at all. I will go to my sister's at Thanksgiving and I will go somewhere else at Christmas. My heart is just broken, though. Every time I think of him, I'm in tears.

mcgriffin64
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
my son has a new baby I never ask him for anything never have done hes 34 I have given him lots in his life and in my eyes been a good mum.
the other night I sent him a text saying "can I ring " as i didnt want to wake the baby
he sent one back saying no im busy with the baby then going to bed .
For all he new i could have been lying at the bottom of the stairs or anything .
Has anyone anything to say about this .
I feel so hurt .
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
I too have a son who hates me. I have been struggling for many months now on how to deal with this, Im losing sleep, nothing makes me smile anymore it seems to be affecting every aspect of my life. I think I know what the problem is, his father whom Im still married to was never a good father, he was in the military so he would be gone alot and when he was home he really wasnt there. Never did anything for his kids. My son wanted his father I would try to compensate for him and he would just push me away. My son had ADHD and I raised him mostly without medication and he probly should have been on it, he was very difficult to raise always fighting with his sisters never really had friends cause no one could stand to be around him. He is now 23 years old and still lives with us, were in an apt and hes on the lease so I cant legaly kick him out. I try to do everything I can for him but he just pushes me away a few months ago he tried to buy a car but couldnt get financed so I financed it for him, these are the things I do but I continually get spit upon by him I have never ever in my life seen a child totaly disrespect a parent like my son does to me, he tells people I beat him as a child OMG no I did not I may have busted his butt a few times but he was not abused. His father just  sits there and totaly disrepect me and and dosent do anything cause he doesnt want to cause waves, but its ok for me to cry, just this last Sunday I really had a melt down I cant take it anymore Im so sick  of it.  I told my husband I cant even look at him as my husband anymore I have lost any emotional ties to him what kind of man allows a child to treat his wife like that, he says he doesnt want to create wave because he is afraid he will move out and right now financially were not doing ok, but at this point I dont care let him go I can go with out cable Ive done it before I'll even get a second job if I have to, Im at such a loss right now I just dont know what to do
Blank
Avatar_m_tn
you know I have read so many of these stories and I think to myself what the hell is the matter with our kids now days, they have grown into selfish uncaring inconsiderate adults that have to respect or compassion for the ppl that raised them & brought them into the world.  I am appaled at the stupid advice given by those who think they know more than the next person about how to be nicer or more understanding and what not or even the so called psycological opinion.  It is all stupid,  kids today are not being taught respect for their parent, grandparents, elders, teachers etc.  all they seen to know anymore is they have to be cool or have the most expensive designer shoes, pants, shirts.  They are not learning anything about values or kindness and all the people that differ can differ, but that is my opinion & that is why our kids are mean to us and disrespectful as adults.  My mom was strict when I was growing up and I still treat her with respect.  our kids just find excuses to be total brats now days.
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
i totally agree with you my son treats me like crap .he takes it all from me .he is 26 and a weak man
Blank
Avatar_m_tn
Seems to be an epidemic these days with parent-child estrangements.It also seems to be very common with sons.My relationship with my son is heading toward estrangement.He is married with two children also.I don't blame his spouse,she is the only one who will acknowledge any communication from me.Texts aren't returned,e mails either and the only time my son wants to talk with me is when he is having a marital problem or other issues.

I don't text or call often as I don't want to interfere with their lives and have decided the next time he calls me up to complain about his marriage he will be told "I hope things improve,good luck".

I am careful what I say as it is but I am tired of the one sided relationship.I am also tired of disrespect,verbal abuse and emotional outbursts.There is a mental illness issue with my son and alcohol problems as well.He's been to counselors in the past but the only person who can decide he needs help and get it is my son.

It's hard and has caused me many sleepless nights but have come to the conclusion if I continue to bend over backwards to reach this child my mental,physical health and marriage will deteriorate.

My son's father and I are divorced and I acknowledge we both failed our son because of this.Either of us were perfect parents.Being a perpetual victim however is doing my son no good at all.

He also has no problem being disrespectful to me in front of his children who are thankfully too young to understand it except for the tone.To be taught to be disrespectful to family members through example is what I fear my grandchildren will learn and one day dish out the same to my son and their mother.I also fear they will be taught to treat me the same as my son does.Although that will hurt me I am more concerned with the damage it could cause the grandchildren and may have to go the route of walking away as difficult as that will be.

As I've admitted his father or I  either one were perfect.He is all about his Dad though,receives help from his Dad, including babysitting services and his Dad and wife have money.

My husband and I do ok but we aren't as well off.We send or bring the grandchildren birthday,Christmas gifts and I have sent items to them other wise but due to living a distance away I can't give the babysitting services.

My son has always followed the money so to speak and I suspect when my ex's wife burns out doing so much for son and the grandchildren his attitude toward his father will change.My ex and his wife work long hours,especially the wife.Her career is extremely demanding and how long she will be able to keep the help up is debatable.

He has already complained to me a few things his Dad "did"
to make him angry.Things which to me are very small,petty and disrespectful of the fact his Dad and his wife are making sacrifices to help him and his children.He has also stated he wanted to move away from everyone but the fact is my son and his spouse can't make ends meet or run their life without help from family.

I have slowed down that help as it only enables him and I can't afford to help pay rent,provide basic everyday needs to the children,food,etc.They provide that much help,yes.

I don't have it but his Dad and other family do and they give it.I will send to the grandchildren a little bit until I am forbidden to do so. I'm sure that will be next.Its to the point I am stopping sending my son anything at all as its not appreciated,no thank you,nothing.Helping him too much over the years from many family members is a huge part of the problem.He feels entitled to it and I have heard him demand things from my Mother and she gives,gives,gives and defends him no matter what he says or does.He has been bailed out of one mess after another.

I can't change or talk sense into my Mom but I can stop doing so myself and am.Over compensating by giving backfires,it teaches nothing but dependency,disrespect and it's ok to use your family as doormats.This holiday I will send a card and wishes for happy holidays but there will be no gift.What the result of that decision will be remains to be seen.

Blank
Avatar_m_tn
Hi. I just spent about an hour in tears reading all these stories. It's very sad to read about all us moms who have lost the love, respect, or communication of and with, our children.
My son is 23. He grew up very loved in a modest home. I kept lines of communication open and spent a lot of time with him, even through his college years. My daughter is six years younger at 17 years of age and always felt I loved my son more than her due to the fact that my son and I seemed to talk about so much and share many activities.
After college my son came home almost a stranger. He was secretive and showed little interest in being with his sister or me. He wanted only to find a job QUICKLY and move out. Even though he had a 4.0 GPA honors degree get said he would work as a telemarketer just to get out. I bought him his first car, a used Dodge and he got a job and moved out. Before he left I asked him to tell me what the URGENCY was for him to leave. He kept saying nothing. I asked him if he were seeing someone; he in finally admitted he was.
To make a very long story short, my son was seeing a 43 year old married woman and had been since the summer of his first year of college.
Needless to say I was stunned with this news and did blow up at him. I said some things I truly regret but made it clear to him that I loved him very much, that he always had a place in my home and that I blamed "her" for taking advantage of my son.
She soon after broke it off with him and had no intention of leaving her home and husband to live as paupers with my young son.
My son struggled with his pain Over this and kept a large distance between us. Within six months our home finally sold after three years on the market and we left the state. My son opted to stay back in Texas with his friends and job and put off going to grad school.
He also started drinking and going to those all night Rave parties.
He comes from a long line of alcohlics and had promised never to drink to avoid that fate.
He came to visit us in Pennsylvania last Christmas and his drinking came up. Within eight hours he took off at 1 am and went o the airport to retun to Texas on Christmas eve instead of spending it with us. His sister and I were devastated.
Before he left I asked him why he was so distant and he told me he no longer thought we had a mother child relationship.
I was crying and asked him why he thought that.
He told me it was because I had gotten so angry about his girlfriiend two years before (the 43 yr old married woman) and that I did not show unditional love.
That is the last time I saw him. He does not write or call me or his sister who needs him so much since moving and who is going through all the things he went thru getting ready for college etc.
He calls for a minute or two on mother's day and birthdays but has stopped emailing me, or sharing anyof his life with me.
Prior to this we would shop, cook, go to movies together and talk all the time.
I miss him more than I can say.
I know I hurt him by disapproving of that married woMan but I had hoped that by now, nearly two years later he would understand why.
As I write this I wonder if all this is all my fault? I can't see myself being supportive of my then 19 year old son having been seduced and taken advantage of by this older married woman but should I have accepted it? I told him since he was still living in my house when it was going on that it was wrong of him to do it and he should have come forward and been honest with me and moved out before he had this adulterous affair under my roof. Was I wrong? I raised him to be open and honest and was always so happy with him and proud of him.
I can see on Facebook he still drinks And goes to these Rave parties. He has a decent job but the people he now hangs with all drink, smoke and party. some tell me this is just a phase but it's been two years ...
Blank
Avatar_m_tn
Well, in my experience, I feel like we almost have to go down to their level in order to cope with them.  My son is 43 years old and let me tell you, it has been one rollercoaster ride after another.  One time we didn't speak for 3 years. I finally learned that I had to treat him the same way he treated me in order to get his respect.  There were times I cried, got angry, broke his pictures, tore up his pictures, walked out on him. After every episode, I would think, "next year he will grow up".  They never do.  To this day he still makes me angry sometimes, but I have learned how to cope with him.  I just roll with the punches and try to understand him. I still don't have the kind of relationship that I would like, but at least it's do-able.  At least we do have  a relationship. I see him and his wife once in awhile.  For that I'm thankful.  It is heartbreaking to read some stories on here. I can relate because I've been there and done that. I wish every parent on here a wonderful holiday season.
Blank
Avatar_m_tn
Like you, I've spent a great deal of time reading through these stories, and although it is comforting to know others have gone through what my family is enduring, none of these stories offer me hope.  :-(  It is really so sad.

I have always been a very outspoken person, and when I see my son making mistakes, I'm the first one to tell him and offer my thoughts.  When he was younger, this type of relationship was fine and we were very close.  As he went through his teenage years, the relationship deteriorated.  If I said green, he'd say blue.  If I said I love you, he'd say I hate you.  He is a very intelligent person, but he almost did not graduate from High School.  We had to push him, kicking and screaming, right to the finish line.  We never allowed him to get a drivers' license while he lived with us because his grades were so horrible and then he kept getting caught doctoring his report cards in an effort to convince us the grades were better.  He was suspended from school a handful of times for doing this, and actually missed his senior prom, due to one of these forgery suspensions. I could go on and on about how stressful those years were for everyone.  I did not always deal with things well, and yell and screamed an awful lot.  I'm sure I slapped him pretty good a time or two as well.  I wish I could go back and do things differently, but we all know that's impossible.  

Long story short, my husband (my son's adopted father) convinced him to look towards the military after high school.  We were convinced that this course would be best for him, giving him independence from us, with a safety net for him.  It was so hard to let him go.  He did enlist, right out of high school in 2008, Air Force and was trained for a high level security job at the NSA in Maryland, where he now is stationed.  We've traveled across the country to every graduation or ceremony, swearing in etc.  We've done our best to be good parents.  He is 21 (will be 22 in March) and our relationship has slowly deteriorated.  He has become more and more distant from us, his sister, his aunts, cousins, etc.  He has now decided he does not want any of us in his life anymore and has told me that he is never happy to come home and see us or talk to us, because of me.  He feels that all I do is criticize him and being around me makes him miserable.  As a result, he took his dog and left this Thanksgiving in the wee hours of the morning, without so much as a goodbye.  (We had taken care of his German Sheperd for two months while he moved into a new apartment, and he never even thanked us, instead accusing us of holding it over his head because we expected him to be polite to us while in our home).  He slept the entire time he was here, even in front of our extended family during Thanksgiving pushing his cousins off the couch so he could sprawl across it. He was embarrassingly rude. The final straw was when my daughter and I awoke to his dog barking and barking at 3:30 am, only to find that he had locked the dog in a crate in our basement and gone out somewhere.  He then came home at 4:15 am, showered and promptly left, without saying a word to me.  Since that time, the only communication he has had with us was through FB - and he's mad it clear - he no longer wants anything to do with us.  He has blocked all connections to his entire family.  We do not even have a physical address for where he now lives, so I cannot even send him a Christmas gift.  I am abosultely devastated and heartbroken, and I have not been able to function.  I sent a heartfelt letter apologizing for anything I may have done to hurt him, and he replied with "leave me alone".  I told him that I was concerned about him, and he ignored me.  I finally told him that he is being an absolute immature brat and jerk, and that we love him and want to be his family.  We will always be there, but only when he grows up and learns how to be the mature adult he claims to be. Now I have to let him go.

I go through so many emotions on a daily basis from being angry, to sad, to broken, to physically ill.  I don't know how anyone deals with this pain.... honestly I feel broken to the core.  
Blank
Avatar_m_tn
Also, my son is doing a lot of drinking, smoking, etc.  He hates being at home, because we won't let him smoke and drink in our house.  He views this as us trying to "change" him.  Just as a point of reference, we only see him 2X per year, at the holidays.  
Blank
Avatar_n_tn
Nearly two years ago my son (30) met an Australian girl and they got engaged.  I met her and had an instant sense that she did not like me.  It was confirmed later by my brother inlaw that she hated me before she met me.  Prior to her entering my sons life he had been in a relationship with a girl that I had known since she was 11.  He started going out with her when she was 16 and I was aginast them getting together from day 1.  In fact I begged her mother not to allow my son to stay at her house as you could see that it was not going to end well.  It didn't, and he took the gutless step of just leaving NZ and not telling her.  She in fact was expecting to see him after work to take her to a new flat they were getting!!!

Anyway, I have remained friends with his ex as I had her in my life for a long time and she was ripped out my life by his cowardice.  So cutting out alot inbetween I sent my sona letter for his 30th and it was all about the day I found out I was pregnant right through to his 30th birthday.  All the awesome memories I held so dear and all the times that had been special.  In the letter I put the words ' I have loved your father for 34 years with all my heart and would not change a day of that.  When you find a love like that you must protect it with all your being, for it does not come around that often'.  My relationship with my son ended that day based on those words.  SHE told HIM that what I was meaning was that HE didn't love HER!!!!!

They have since had a baby and I am not allowed to have role in her life or my sons as SHE has deemed me to be toxic, poisonous and manipulative.  I have cried buckets and my heart is squeezed so tightly sometimes it is almost too hard to breathe.  He has told me that he supports her and that I can't be in their lives.  My husband and I have given both of our sons the best life possible, and my husband could never be faulted as a dad.  She is poisoning my son and interprets everyting I have said in an amail or verbally, in a negative light.  He has no contact with my other son either and cut him off because she has said he is not loyal.  I NEED TO KNOW HOW TO LIVE WITHOUT THEM IN MY LIFE.

I can't stand the pain the hurt, the rejection any longer.  If only there was a switch to push..........I could just forget they existed!!!
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
Where;s the website for parents of Estranged  children?
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
I began reading your post, thinking I had written something on here, & didn't remember doing it. Your story IS my story. My son is 25, I'm 46, I was married to his dad at 18, (I divorced his dad at 21 though), and my son's gf is EVIL, and my son hasn't spoken to me in 11 mos. I'm an emotional mess myself. The holiday's are coming, and I just don't know what to do either. He moved in with his alcoholic drug dealing father 2 yrs ago, when I asked my son to move out. My son was drinking, doing drugs & wouldn't get employment, so I asked him to leave. He was mia for about 5 mos. & in that time I had reached out to his father. He claimed he didn't know of his where abouts. My son had moved to his father's gf's sister's house, (about 6 miles from my house). His father LIED to me. Nice guy, isn't he? My son was there for about a year, then moved to his dad's in another state. Since 2006, my son has been dating a Muslim girl. I didn't approve of the relationship once I realized she was bringing Islamic material into my home, (in attempts to convert him). We discussed it breifly, and the vain attempts stopped. The comments & innuendos did not. Her motives & actions are carefully planned. She has been very disruptive, combative, quarrelsome, manipulative, controlling, sneaky, lying, deceitful, & dishonest. She's caused a tremendous amount of chaos in my home. My son sees NONE of this. She asked me once, "If you were in your 20's & you weren't ****'s mom, would you go out with him?" Meaning, would I go out with my own son if i were younger & not his parent. I simply answered her, "I do not think of my son that way". She asked me a 2nd time, & I responded the same way. She's reminded me of decisions I've made in the past regarding my son's life. Insinuating I could've chosen other options. She made references that my son was frightened of his step father (of 11 yrs) & that he made his life hell, & why didn't I protect him better? Etc...My current spouse & I are separated, & she made frequent visits to his new residence playing both sides of the fence. She told him lies that I was still in love with my son's father & that we talk all the time. She then told me things he said, etc... I caught on to her shenanigans in depth immediately after the last incident on 1/21/11.
My son came to visit, and 4 of us (my gf came with us) went out for a few drinks & to listen to music. At one point, my gf was wanting to leave & expressed hostility. I was not aware that she wanted to leave. My son's gf took quick advantage of this situation, & explained to my gf (behind my back) that she was OK with leaving, & that she wouldn't give her a hard time about it. Something like that) I walked up behind her, & over heard the tail end of the conversation, "... & don't tell ******". I politely asked her what she said about me, & she ran off. I followed her, & i tugged on the hood of her coat so she would turn around, & then I felt someone tug my coat. My son was following me. I then realized he must've thought I was going to hurt her or something, so I stopped pursuing her. On the way to the car, we never found his gf. I kept asking my son why he was so upset with me, & he wouldn't acknowledge me. I was persistent. He blew up in my face, screamed at me told me I was messing with his future wife, & some other stuff I can't rememher. I told him I didn't like the way he was speaking to me, & that he & i need to talk about this some other time when there's no alcohol involved. I haven't seen him since. I've mailed letters, I've called, I've sent a package, a birthday card, & I've heard nothing. It's been 11 mos. & the holidays are here. I'm a mess. I realize I should've never gone out with them, but I honestly didn't think it was going to turn so ugly. I know she has a plan to make him hate me. She's tried to get my friends against me, (and failed) she's tried to break up my marriage (failed) but I think this battle is going to be one I can't win. I've tried giving it to God, but I am a mess about it. We should exchange emails...M&M
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
I raised my son on my own from the age of 9 he is now 32.His father never gave a penny towrds his upringinging.I wrapped him u in cotton wool adorded him gave him everything.I supported him throug 2 degrees and he didnt work in London for  ayear and i paid for his living and flat **** two jobs.I had my faults like all people i will not say i was perfect I wasnt but i love my 2 sons more than my own life.
He has a girlfriend who oviously doesnt like me .My son is a lawyer so is she i am not  good enough.I have been a specialist nurse for 30 years .They are now engaged and she prefers his stepmother so all of a sudden he has had a dis areement withh me and i am now banned from his wedding as are allof my family and his father and all of his ep brothers etc are going.He has never had real contact with his father and i am shocked.His elder brother has real problems with his father and he ahs been told by his brother he ahsa to attend and be civil to his father and a group of people he doesnt know.This is breaking my heart .He refuses to speak to me I have treied everything and he has told his brother that he will have minimal contact with him in case he tells me anything about his wedding which will be in Ireland in the village where a lot of my uncles and aunts live.I am in shock i am having seizures and the consultant has said it is the stress.I would welcome any advice. Thank you
Blank
Avatar_m_tn
Same thing here except he still lives at home wont hold a job and now as I sit here and type this he's in jail over a fight. I couldn't take it any more, but I was in so much pain as they were fighting with him to arrest him I just wanted it to stop. People tell you it's for his own good but is it? I was feeling his pain and frustration and couldn't do anything.  
Blank
Avatar_m_tn
One post stands out...it states that the moms that comment blame their child for the poor relationship. I as a mom know that is not true. I have said and done things to my son that can never be forgotten. The same goes true for him. Now, he is 18 and living down the street with his grandfather. He is going to college, doesn't do drugs or drinking, but sleeps at Pop's house. He at times comes down. Not much. He doesn't really want much to do with me.  My husband and I disagree how to handle the issue. I pay for his college and supply a phone, clothes, and food if he is in our house. I stated that to get you must give. I want some of his time, sleep here, be involved in our laughter, our conversations, show that he does love us and is appreciative. Be our son! Dad feels that he goes to school daily, stays clean, and tries...then it is best for him to stay at Pop's house. He says that my son and I are not good for each other right now. In time he will grow-up and come back.  When he is around, I admit I ask lots of questions, look over his shoulder, he would say bother him. I don't want him to emotionally pull away from, but I can see it has already started. I take responsibility for not nurturing a positive healthy relationship. I have asked many times for forgiveness and for himo ome home. He says, I love you mom I just feel comfortable at Pops. I don't know what else to say...
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
Many thanx for your story.Im going through a similar story, where my best of efforts and intensions have been disregarded.The worst of things have been said to me because life did not turn the way they wanted it to be.The BLAME is all on me.Still im asking for forgiveness,but alas.Praying hardthat Jesus will melt my son's heart of stone and put a heart of flesh instead.But there is total resistance.Regards
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
Many thanx for your story.Im going through a similar story, where my best of efforts and intensions have been disregarded.The worst of things have been said to me because life did not turn the way they wanted it to be.The BLAME is all on me.Still im asking for forgiveness,but alas.Praying hardthat Jesus will melt my son's heart of stone and put a heart of flesh instead.But there is total resistance.Regards
Blank
Avatar_m_tn
Dear suffering parents. What you are all experiencing is a result of government/corporate interference in parenting. This cultural shift has been going on since the early to mid 90s.  The break-up of family units is desired to shift dependency from religion and families to corporate govenment entities.   For example - the curricula at schools has shifted from core subjects to social type studies.  This undermines parenting.  

On the corporate side kids a channeled into media which portrays parents as a hindrance to their perceived freedom. Music, films, video games, reality TV all fall into these categories.  The corporations have also skilfully managed (via constant propaganda) to portray parents as "wallets" for their products.  Examples for this is cell phone family plans, various savings schemes for college tuition, constant supply of new electronic goods, etc etc.

Read some of Edward Bernays work if you want to read up on this some more.

Your kids have been hijacked to use as economic batteries.
Blank
Avatar_m_tn
Why would I chastise you? I can't see that calling your son and asking him about this was doing anything wrong. There is no excuse for his actions. No matter how old a child becomes, he should never disrespect his parents.  I think he let his guilt take over and lashed out at you.  I know it's hard; but try to find things to occupy your time.  Volunteer. Go to church. But stay as busy as you can with fulfilling activities. He owes you an apology.
Blank
Avatar_m_tn
OMG ... look at all of us! Society rules, Drugs rule. We don't matter. WTH do you think will happen to them after we are gone? WTH can we do for us? We are hopeless and helpless or we would not be writing on this forum. What is the point?
Blank
Avatar_m_tn
My sons hate grew to cause him to physically assault me with a deadly weapon.  He is 34 years old and now its time to stop it.  He has to stop blaming everyone else including me for his Issues in Life he has to take the steps to change Himself and the more i tried to help him the worse he got.
   I had to have him arrested to protect myself i have lost him. But i pray everyday that he realizes He is the only one who can choose where his life goes . So tell your son that his past is no longer a vital part of his life now. He can handle it however he likes but he has to stop blaming the past. If he does not he will never stop hurting You . Walking away and giving him time sometimes help but it breaks our hearts.
   I tried i went from trying to compensate for all that I felt he had lost for many years to enabling him for many years but now I had to stop it. for my own safety and the saftey of the rest of my family. It has affected us all. there is no answer so I pray for you and for him Til he is ready to grow up there is nothing you can do but care for Yourself
mothers-***@****
Blank
Avatar_m_tn
i feel your pain, what your going thru  my story is exactly the same as your 's i have a 36 yr old son and a 17 yr old son my older son has verbally abused me ever since he turned 18, now my 17 yr old treats me  just like his brother. i have 3 grandchildren who have witnessed this behavior who love very much, when my son's need something i'm always there for them money, babysit scrub wall's clean their house, li lent my car to my adult son so he could go to work and his wife got a year's worth of parking ticket's never said a word to me  i lost my car  because i couldn't get it registered  because i couldn't afford to pay the fines, the list goes on and on when i'm hurt by them i wish i would die  and  let them  feel the pain  they both freak out on me and they never say they are sorry, my older son tell,s me if something should happen to me he would be devastated. i don't want either one of my son's at my funeral. i'm so hurt and i want to disappear.
Blank
Avatar_m_tn
Okay heres the latest be prepared to be knocked off your butt or have the smelling salts ready to revive yourself over the following......

Events will be summed up but point of truth and honesty will be typed
October oldest Son came to live at residence due to fleeing from a relationship gone sour. With fleeing not only was it himself but also with his daughter ( MY LITTLE ANGEL who is 5 soon t...o be 6 on the 18th).
His relationship ended with a woman who is 42, her job is a workers compensation attorney. Sons title field technician for expresso coffee machines. (Van Roy coffee)
now
with their relationship ending in October and son moving here vial emails and text messages were sent from said attorney, These comments are beyond just vial. They state how there was sexual abuse done to sons daughter and she watched but she never reported it, drug abuse which she partcipated, harassment demanding text messages which she kept doing day/night. all this is proven with hard copied evidence in MY POSSESSION THANK YOU SON.
Including Son went under oath in November testified about the allegations and was in complete agreement of gaining a CIVIL PROTECTION ORDER against this attorney for his mother. THANK YOU AGAIN SON

Presently the CPO was dismissed on March 28th due to non violent actions, YET
a Restraining order as well as a civil lawsuit is being filed for against attorney.

Childrens Services are now back involved due to contempt of temporary Civil Protection
violations. THANK YOU COURTS FOR MONITORING THE STATUS CLOSELY. The stock piled information from the past 7 months has been handed over to CSEA, after all a knock came to the door of my home justified opening up the big case. CHA CHING

4/ 12/ 2012 son left residence with his daughter (my G AAANGEL) to go back to the attorneys violent ways, and high priced apartment. and to empty 4 adult cats liter toliets.

now would anyone normal place a minor child back in this situation?
Blank
Avatar_m_tn
paxxto..You didn't mention the son's age, so I will assume he is young. I will let you in on your possible future if you allow this son to manipulate your life and and you enable him.
My son is 38 yrs old. When he was 10 he had a bike accident which may have caused some of his later problems, since he had a terrible head injury. He was a normal kid until he was 15, at which time he refused to attend school. I was divorced when he was 11, so I sent him out of state to live with his dad, who immediately sent him back b/c of problems he was causing him in his #2 marriage. The son continued with his bad know it all attitude, cursing, refusing to go to school. Quit school when 16 and returned to dad's who was on #3 then, for another try. Sent back to me for same old things. (I never dated until this son was 18)
When he was 17, he was convicted of felony extortion! It was for a stupid childish prank but we didn't appeal cause we didn't even realize seriousness of a felony conviction. Son had a good job by then and his GED. Was able to keep the job as he got probation only. Problems started for him when he lost that job 3 yrs later and began having trouble getting decent jobs due to the felony. He broke into stores and homes several times and was never caught..his brother( the complete opposite of this one..very nice and always respectful and responsible) let me know this when I wondered why detectives were looking for him! When he was 24, he stole my credit card and racked up 1300$ before I was notified. I could have brought charges against him and owed nothing..but I knew he would go to prison for a 2nd offense (In retrospect, I should have)
Because of feeling guilty that I didn't try to appeal his felony conviction, guilt over divorcing,and I've seen how he cannot get a decent job, especially after 9/11, I have enabled him for years.
Several times he has had to live with me and it always turned out very badly..with me having to pay deposits and rents for apartments for him just to get rid of him. I swore the last time..never again.(.very abusive, threatening attitude)
Last yr, he had knee surgery and was homeless..so I once more went against my better instincts (since he has NO friends because he has treated everyne as he has me) and allowed him to move back with several rules attached, which he broke every one the first week.
I will try to shorten this: The last yr has been hell. He refuses to work at any of the few places he could be hired, snorts pills, injects illegal steroids, drives my car hundreds of miles when I think he is using it to look for work, calls me horrible names, threatens me. 2 weeks ago, he went into a steroid / percosett maniacal rage and threatened to kill me and broke (again) many things of mine. He is now in jail but will be out in 1 week..and I will be in much fear for my life as he promised that if I had him arrested, he would kill me when he was free. He has never matured beyond 15. I have a restraining order but still feel he will be here soon. (of course I have finally seen the light and will never allow him near me again) I am 65 yrs old and have heart problems and the stress is killing me.
I should have let him endure the punishments for his offenses when he was young. I am the only person in the world who cares about him..everyone else gave up years ago after he treated them horribly. And I am the person he says he hates most.
I am not writing this for sympathy..just as a cautionary tale.
Blank
Avatar_m_tn
dear rejected, i am going thorugh teh same thing. i have 3 other children who woudl do anything for me adn i cannto let my youngest ruin our lives. at age 27  he is not working has a wife and 4 kids. never paid support  for the illigit one..like you  i remearried and this youngest had it all. never had to lift a finger. and now we are getting kicked in the face by him.he is a druggie, a drunk,a liar and a thief. adn it is killing me slowly
Blank
Avatar_m_tn
My 40 year old daughter hates me. Over the last 20 years she has gone from bad to worse. She is our only child, father died when she was 15 and I refuse to even say I did the best I could...I rocked. Worked down the road, paid all the bills and made sure she could ride a bike, we had two dogs and a cat, lots of other pets, taught her to swim, drive a car and she had the master suite in a large farmhouse. Her friends all gathered at our house. But....she has changed and I do not know why. She is married with three children who I also spoiled. It would be impossible for her to keep the kids from me. They are older and all text and call all the time. But I really needed this site to see that the hurt and anger that is building inside of me has to be controlled. Today I wanted to call her and tell her that I am changing my will and she will never get a dime...and you can see where I'm going with this. I read these comments and realize that I must get control of myself and stop trying to fix something that is a mystery. How did my adorable blonde, blue eyed sweetie turn into a pit bull. I admit, I give them money, groceries, paid for their car, watch kids and pets when they vacation, paid for their wedding but I turned a corner when they left me in the hall and I was not included in the wedding pictures. I stopped that day and have not given them a dime since but that seems to be part of why she is so mad. I am going to take the common advice here and do nothing. I am not going to go outside with the dog and ask God to kill me...but I sure thought about it. Thanks to all. I just may live.
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
I too am a mother who's children have rejected her. Too many details and too long ago (30 yrs), but yesterday my son threw me out of his house & threatened to call the police because I wanted to talk to him. I know how to handle myself without being over-reactive - I tried desperately for him to somehow talk about our issues, but without success. The saddest part of all was seeing the fear and confusion in my 3 and 5 yr old grandchildren while he went on a rage threatening me. I left his house & haven't heard from him since. I have another daughter who treats me the same way. Their dad left when my 3rd child was 3 wks old for another woman - this was the 3rd time he left me & I would have taken him back again, but he didn't come back. He married the woman and they have seemed happy all these yrs. He came back into my son's life when my son married about 8 yrs. ago and things have been in turmoil with me & my son since then. All I do is cry & pray - not sure what's going to happen at this point. Just wish I didn't feel so guilty about everything - but honestly, I did the best I could with what I had at the time. I have remarried a wonderful man who has done more for my children and grandchildren (he doesn't have kids) than their own father. We've been married for 24 yrs. Father's day is tomorrow & son has never acknowledged him - but he always buys his biological father a gift - I just don't get it.
Blank
Avatar_m_tn
Your story sounds a lot like mine.  My 44 year old son has always disrespected me.  One time he threw me out of his house too.  The reason was I asked him about his computer.  He got mad and told me to leave. Every time I'm around him, we get into an argument.  He has to have his way all the time. He is a controller and he always wants to control every situation.  Sometimes I feel like I almost hate him. It is hard for me to feel love for him.  He is my only son, so I keep trying.  I don't cry or feel hurt anymore. He has made me numb to any feelings for him. It is just so sad when we have given so much to our children and they stab us in the back. He is married and seems to be happily married and I'm glad.  But I have accepted the fact that I will never have a good relationship with him.   I wish him well.  Good luck to you.
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
I can relate.  My 41-year-old son just brought his six-year-old son east to visit for the first time.  He constantly argued with his wife and made disparaging remarks to me until I told him not to talk to me that way.  Then he was furious.  He will probably never return.
Sad east-coast grandmother
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
My dear lady, I am so very very sorry for you and your husband. God above help you....You sound like me...I feel like I have lost my only child...my son of 21yrs...told me 2 weeks ago that he did not love me any more...I had told him I was not going to give him any more money.....I have been giving to him all his life just like you did with your son....He did not care that what I was giving him was most of my disability allowence...so I would have to live on practilly nothing while he could have my money to buy weed and generally have a good time for himself....what a fool I have been for the love of my son.....There is so much more I could say...the verbal abuse is terrible he makes me so sad and unhappy and yet I love the ground he walks on......Mary ...Ireland
Blank
973741_tn?1342346373
Hello there dear.  Welcome to med help.  You've tacked your post onto an older one but wanted to reply none the less.

I'm so sorry about this situation with your son.  We give birth to these little creatures with such high hopes.  We give them our everything and want nothing but good for them.  I can only imagine the disappointment and sadness that must come when they let you down as adults.  

I do think you did the right thing by cutting off the money supply but am so sorry for his reaction to this.  Perhaps he is going through a difficult time, a selfish time in his life.  I would leave the door open for his reconnecting with you at some point and he very well may come to his senses.  But stick to your guns as you do not want to enable him in being an irresponsible adult.  Young adults go through phases and many do indeed come out of being rebellious or nasty and mature into understanding all you've done for them and that they owe you gratitude and love.  I so hope and pray that this comes sooner for your son rather than later.

While he is being distant, please try to stay active and involved with people.  Spend time with friends and family and surround yourself with positive things.  

I feel for you and may your son see you in the right light in the very near future.  Peace and hugs
Blank
Avatar_m_tn
I think you can start by learning healthy behaviors . You mentioned you were married to a alcoholic . Its  important to get to the root of the problem. I suspect you have fixed your thoughts on your relationship & are suffering depression.  I  speak from my own life experience & not judging you at all.  Its vital for your own sanity to Change your behavior.
  When we are in a dysfunctional situation is is very hard to see what are the unhealthy behaviors that we are allowing  & continuing in.  
  I grew up around alcoholics , controllers . I learned young & was taught   unhealthy behaviors & did not even know what healthy boundries in a relationship was. i believed how i was treated & what i lived with was normal . I know now that it was not!  So i easily attracted a husband that too lived with abuse , alcoholism, drug addiction  control ,  lying  . You would think i would have ran , but this felt normal to me . It was what I was used to.  NOW years later.  I too am living with the effects of choosing a dysfunctional relationship in now my adult & teenage children .
For many years I was  in denial because it was easier to act like everything & everyone was & will be ok . I wanted peace at any price. I would give them money to win there love  ( trust me this one never works because you are only as good as long as your money lasts) I felt sorry for them. Little did i know I was crippling them & participating in a merry go round of unhealthy behaviors .   My saving grace was  the  words & actions of my mother who was going to Alanon (group that helps people who grew up  with or live with alcoholics drug addicts, violence , gamblers etc.  She began to change . She wasnt doing & saying  the same old crap . She began to speak different .  I am out of her home but when she changed she changed so many in our family . I was amazed . She was so angry before . Her words just spit at us anger . She was always mad but now she was so different .  As a result of her slogans she learned  realized  :  The Change begins in ME . I cannot change my husband, my children, etc. But I can change myself & the unhealthy choices, words , stories that I have been a active participant in.   I asked God to help show me what I need to change about myself.  Its been a  hard road. its not easy to to honestly look in the mirror.    The key is this :  
Your son is an adult now . He is making his own choices,  whether healthy or unhealthy .  Start working on yourself , so you can see how you played a part of this unhealthy relationship & How you can Change your actions  . You will be able to sleep at night once you learn to admit your wrong doing , Forgive yourself ! Then change the behavior .  sounds simple bt is is not  easy . But what also is not easy is  living now as a dumping ground of abuse for something you did years ago when you did not know any better.   This is Not only unhealthy  it is poison to you. .  It will destroy your health !   Also it is unexceptable .   Yes thats right , you do not have to accept unacceptable behavior. Also your son does not have to either , So stop the dysfunction for  yourself & your  beautiful grandaughter . Hopefully like my mother getting help changed me & my family  , You getting some help for yourself not talking about your son .  this is a look in the mirror so you can change YOUR destiny and fix your mind & the way you think & act which equals how you will treat people.   FOR YEARS I beat myself up for things I did or did not do that I cannot even change .  
The Past is the Past . Guilt was eating me alive physically , emotionally, mentally.  I am still a work in progress .   You can start today by this exercise:     Define what you want your legacy on this earth to be .  How do you wish to be remembered.  You may not be able to have a great relationship with your son & his girlfriend. But you can learn to love  yourself, those you are around, you can take care of yourself, eat healthy, have friends ,  join a church group, or do something you love like a  hobby bowling, knitting, etc . Dont let  your bad relationship  be your legacy , the son that hates you.  Today You can change the way you speak . Our words are powerful . I had a sad story for years . Id tell anyone who would listen & it was all true but i couldnt get past my problems . I could not even listen to someones problems without thinking of my problems.  Now today  i  am different . I choose to speak only words that are positive to others . i ask others about them selves  not trying to get engulfed in their problems but to just be a friend. I will not put myself down or those around me. Im not trying to save anyone  that's what God is for .  I choose to speak life & positive  into those around me. I no longer have the victim story > I make healthy choices today for myself .  I REFUSE to allow this generational dysfunction to go on anymore. I am not perfect , nor is my life,  BUT it is Me who I  can change today & Im a work in progress.  
You can only  change Yourself today . If you believe in God or some higher power  you can start by saying the Serenity Prayer:
God grant me the serenity (the peace) to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.    definition of insanity :   to keep doing the same thing & expect different results .  We must change ourselves first. best of luck .
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
Omegle, I as a mother of a 15 yr old boy am reading all of the posts about children (mostly sons I might add) being horrible and hurtful to their parents. It scares me to think that we as parents put so much time, effort, love and sacrifices in to bring our children up the 'right way' if there is such a thing, only to have them treat us with such contempt. Until, you yourself are a parent, you will not realise that it is without doubt the hardest and most thankless job in the world. None of us are perfect and believe me, I do know that not all parents put their children first but if you read the above posts you will see that all these parents have done is give, give and give more again. Maybe that is the problem.
You may not have had what you consider the best upbringing or the best parents in the world but you are here because of them and thanks to them.
I loved my mother with all of my being. She was my best friend as well as  my mother. She was the only one who was there for me always no matter what I did or said. I did say some really awful stuff when I was a teenager but really hope that today I can honestly say with my hand on my heart that I made up for it in later years. I treated her with the respect and love she  so deserved.
Only now as my own son says the most horrible, hurtful and hateful things to me do I realise how it strips us of our self worth and pains more than anything else in this world. I don't deserve this, no one does. They say 'sticks and stones may break our bones but names will never hurt' - how wrong they are! I have been told to ignore it that he does not mean it but its impossible. I just hope with all of my heart that my mam knew how truely sorry I was now that I am standing in her shoes.
I'm sure you have your reasons for being a bit hard and that is your own business however, until you have walked in someone else's shoes please don't be so quick to judge.
I struggle everyday with my son and it would be so easy to just give up but much to his horror - I won't.
Blank
Avatar_m_tn
My God heal us for we can only hope that you will return our children back to us. My Lord I pray for these women as I have a son with a very strong will and I too am going though similiar experiences they are going through.  Please Jesus, Lord most high, I don't even know these ladies and I love them for their hard work as mothers, for I too have made mistakes.  My twenty six year old son has been on meds, drinks alcohol to medicate himself.  His self destruction is more than I can bare sometimes, but I too love him, help clothed him, feed him, and allow him to manipulate me since he was thirteen years old.  My God the torture is unreal some times.  It will be Ok in the morning til the next episode arises, full force.  My God help us, be strong in your name, Please keep our children safe my Lord.  For I say I have lived my life and I know I must go on but please show us your light.  Give us your signs!  Help us figure it out because we can't do it without you.  I am still trying and will never give up, for my son is dual diagnosis, but you Lord has made me know that these are just titlles from the flesh/man.  We all have our weeknesses and strengths and just because I am angered does not mean that I am bipolar.  I have my boundries and know my limits, but looking back when I was young I was not an easy young lady to my mother either.  How do we break the curse of generations with some of us and the cycles of destruction.  The Devil never sleeps, waiting to strike and dovour our loved ones.  No way in hell am I giving up because my Lord is stronger than all.  I am persistant and will always be there for my loved ones, but I too am only human and I need to show tough love if my children are to survive.  So I too will have to make some serious changes and live again.  My God! he is working in me and I know that my children are watching me and I stand strong that one day if we continue praying our children will return back to us.  Amen to him and I ask God to heal our motherly Holy hearts and may we find other Christians, other hobbies, volunteering helping others who want to help each other like this website.  Thank you I loved reading these stories just to let me know that I am not alone.
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
You are not alone.  I now realize it is different in raising sons vs daughters.  I raised two sons.  Was there all the time for our oldest (he married and her mother is deceased).  However, her family (aunts, uncles, cousins) always came first.  Even before they were married and were moving out of town, we had plans and she canceled for her family. So, again, after helping out with two granddaughters and my daughter-in-law setting up for us to have a shopping day in our town (she lives aprox 1 1/2 hrs away), she canceled and said she had no control over change of plans.  Now, our son does not have anything to do with us. Did I mention I was always there; driving a couple days a week to help out with the little ones? Now our grand daughters are 10 and 8 and because I answered an email saying how hurt I was that my daughter in law blew me off, I am no longer important in their lives...I/we don't matter.   I feel your pain. I have to say I am glad you don't give them money any longer. They say we treat people how to treat us, but you were good parents.  Hang in there and enjoy your husbands company.  You started out as just the two of you....rekindle those moments.  Hugs to you and yours!!!
Blank
Avatar_m_tn
I found this website today. I knew I couldn't be the only parent dealing with issues of not seeing son or grandchild. I have depression, diagnosed 20 years ago and most recent added anxiety attacks. My son married a girl 3 years ago that since the beginning of their relationship I could feel him distancing himself from family. I made the mistake (THIS IS A HUGE MISTAKE FOR ANYONE TO MAKE) I always said I didn't want my son to struggle for everything like I did. Now I realize, way to late, there isn't anything wrong with struggling to get what you want. I gave them everything I had. Custom made doors, windows, beautiful furniture. My son is so lazy and obese he wouldn't even take care of what he had. His wife is a slob and a year ago he decided he was mentally abused by me and his son would be better off not even knowing who I am.I am now paying for my mistakes. Thanks to my medication I am making it. I don't work outside my home. I have no medical insurance anymore. I sell on the internet to make enough to meet daily expenses and pay for my medication. It's lonely but the anxiety attacks are gone. My mom is dying from Lou Gehrig's disease 350 miles away. I can't afford to go see her more than once every few months. She has taken a downward spiral.I am 52 years old and still need my Mom and don't want to give her up. Then there is my son who threw me away. If I hadn't given all my savings to my son, I would have money to bring Mom to my home to be with me. I would like to make her last months good. Without money, it isn't possible. I feel like a fool and very stupid. I need Mom and she needs me and I gave everything to my ingrate son who is only worried about his own agenda. Hard to believe he is an adult. When Mom dies I won't be there to hold her hand. She is a selfless mother and should not die alone in a hospital or nursing home. I pray every day for God to help me before it's to late. I have what I need to survive but I need enough money to bring her to me and take care of her. I have always paid it forward even when I had nothing, I found something to do or provide to make someones life a little easier. I know how anything is better than nothing. I am asking for any help, anything at all that could be given so I can be with my mother. If I get anything not needed, I will take the extra and pay it forward to someone else. If my son could only see, struggling isn't  the worst thing that can happen. Maybe he will learn when he doesn't have a Mom anymore.  God Bless anyone in pain. Don't lose faith. God knows and sees all.
Blank
Avatar_m_tn
Please to meet you . Why is it kind and loving people get trampled on. I have the answer . We attract souls from our past life who position themselves with the kind caring hearts . To help them clear the karma of their past . One thing i have learn't is that these hard ones are not necessarily bad just clearing the past, that is why they have choose us as parents  because we have the soft tender loving hearts they need to heal  And not necessarily was it it their fault that they are troubled . My wise advice for you is to now give him back to his creator. You have given all you can give to help him heal from the past . Now with all the love kindness and care you can muster wrap in the heart felt love of his creator and hand him loving over to him and say father this is your child i have done my best for him teaching him your love. Now can you please help him .
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
I have a son who is exactly the same as yours.  I just have this one son, but I lost him.  Emotional abuses from him were unbearable.  He has no shame or regret what so ever.  If you ever find the some way to mitigate the misery your adult child caused you, please let me know
Blank
Avatar_m_tn
My son is 41 years old and since he was in his early 20's we have battled on many occasions and its getting worse. He has recently sent me text's saying I am a psycho b----, that I am crazy and have the brains of a twelve year old. I dont know what happened to us-actually its hard to remember that we ever got along. I love my son with all my heart, and he has daughters and a wife that I also love. I was not a perfect mother, I had my demons to fight also from being abused when I was growing up. I thought that I supported him in every way I could and can. I never missed a football game, baseball game, allowed him as much freedom as possible as long as he stayed out of trouble. I have another son, raised in the same house, in the same manner, and he has very, very few complaints about his upbringing. The older son, of whom I am speaking, has had vicious and hurtful arguments with his only brother and sibling, and with his father, who was always there in the home and again supported him absolutely. I dont know what to do anymore. This latest fight has just about destroyed me, and he has not spoken to me in almost 2 weeks, even if I call him. I am able to talk to my granddaughters (they are on vacation with my son and his wife). This last argument was a result of my failing to set the alarm in their house, which I was so sure that I had, and come to find out from his neighbor checking, that I had not. He told me NOT to go back to his house while they were gone, and that the neighbor would check on the things at the house that needed to be done. I was very hurt, and I did compare him to one of my brothers, who has always intimidated me until the last few years. That made him very angry-said there was no way he could be as crazy as my family-my siblings. He will be home this coming Friday from vacation and I dont know whether to contact him or wait until he contacts me. I clean his house to make some extra money as I am on SSD, and I dont know if I even have that job anymore, but am afraid to ask as I believe he will make that an issue of making me feel that's all I care about. Please, someone help me-I am at a loss and its breaking my heart.
Blank
Avatar_m_tn
spoiled brat and ungrateful and selfish , thats all he is, dont worry about him no more and live your life with your husband, its your turn, life is short you did the best you could, now let him come to you or forget about it, give the love and heart you have to your husband and enjoy life with him.. your son doesnt know but karma does come around, better watch it ... take care
Blank
Avatar_m_tn
Other than being a father and my son and I being older I interestingly to say the least am in, have been in the same situation. To put and explain all this too, is hard and difficult. I may or may not have some helpful or hopeless things to pass on. It I understand is very difficult to go thru and that this kind of situation exists.
Blank
Avatar_m_tn
Hi, my name is Christine.  I am going through hell right now with my oldest son who won't speak to me and refuses to tell me why.  Won't answer any texts, messages, emails etc.  Got a simple "went out to dinner with Laura with the money you sent" text for their anniversary after inquiring via text if they indeed got the $100.  That was in October.  No contact since. Haven't seen him since Mother's Day.  This all started (this time) when he offered to have his twin brothers graduation (from college)/going away party (military) at his house with me paying the expenses.  A week before the party, after I sent him $200 to help pay for some expenses, he sent me a text asking me if I had a contingency plan in case it rained, because he was offering his yard not his house.  I said I thought we could just move it to his large garage.  He replied he wasn't having a "ghetto" party in the garage and didn't want 20 people in and out of his house and said I should just host the party at my home.  I responded, "ok" and asked if his wife would still be bringing the potato salad to which he responded "not coming".  Neither he nor his wife came.  His brothers were hurt by this, especially since they spent 3 days helping him landscape prior to the party and Kevin was leaving for army officer school and Ryan for Europe.  On the day of the party, i tried calling him and he didn't answer.  He sent his brother a text that his wife had his vehicle and he would not be coming.  He has a motorcycle and she has a vehicle of her own.  Didn't make any sense.  I thought maybe he was embarrassed to show up knowing people might ask why the plan changed, but I told him prior {via text} that I told people the reason for the change was he had to work that morning and wouldn't have time to get ready for a party.  He has had some very limited contact with his brothers since.  Went thru Hurricane Sandy and tried to contact him, no response. Finally called his mother in law and she told me they were ok.  This is killing me.  On top of all that, I am losing my job of 20 years due to the economy, I am almost 55, losing my insurance and the worst is that both  twin sons will now be in the military come Feb. 2013 and I live alone in a rural area.  So please tell me about the site you mentioned.  Thank you
Blank
Avatar_m_tn
Hi, my name is Christine.  I am going through hell right now with my oldest son who won't speak to me and refuses to tell me why.  Won't answer any texts, messages, emails etc.  Got a simple "went out to dinner with Laura with the money you sent" text for their anniversary after inquiring via text if they indeed got the $100.  That was in October.  No contact since. Haven't seen him since Mother's Day.  This all started (this time) when he offered to have his twin brothers graduation (from college)/going away party (military) at his house with me paying the expenses.  A week before the party, after I sent him $200 to help pay for some expenses, he sent me a text asking me if I had a contingency plan in case it rained, because he was offering his yard not his house.  I said I thought we could just move it to his large garage.  He replied he wasn't having a "ghetto" party in the garage and didn't want 20 people in and out of his house and said I should just host the party at my home.  I responded, "ok" and asked if his wife would still be bringing the potato salad to which he responded "not coming".  Neither he nor his wife came.  His brothers were hurt by this, especially since they spent 3 days helping him landscape prior to the party and Kevin was leaving for army officer school and Ryan for Europe.  On the day of the party, i tried calling him and he didn't answer.  He sent his brother a text that his wife had his vehicle and he would not be coming.  He has a motorcycle and she has a vehicle of her own.  Didn't make any sense.  I thought maybe he was embarrassed to show up knowing people might ask why the plan changed, but I told him prior {via text} that I told people the reason for the change was he had to work that morning and wouldn't have time to get ready for a party.  He has had some very limited contact with his brothers since.  Went thru Hurricane Sandy and tried to contact him, no response. Finally called his mother in law and she told me they were ok.  This is killing me.  On top of all that, I am losing my job of 20 years due to the economy, I am almost 55, losing my insurance and the worst is that both  twin sons will now be in the military come Feb. 2013 and I live alone in a rural area.  So please tell me about the site you mentioned.  Thank you
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
Hi there ..so much hurt and upset god bless you lovely lady I pray for restoration for you and your son
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
I ha've a 25 year old son who is no. Longer on medication and is very violent
I finally had to kick hi m out but now he I s homeless he has no Job and no wh err to live he I'd driving my car bc at least that. Way I feel he cam stay warm
I don't know Herr to turn.I have been a widow for7yrs.  His 29 yr off sisteer won't speak to me bc she doses t feel I have pprotected her
Blank
585414_tn?1288944902
  You might be able to help your son by seeing if he could be hospitalized as what is happening with him as you describe is of concern. Then from there as part of outpatient planning they could assist him by helping him by obtaining mental health housing as well as any other supports and services including medication maintenance if needed.
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
Hi Mary Lou .. So sorry that you are enduring this mess with your son. I have recently told my 25 yr old son to leave. He has...in part . Yes he is depressed, jobless, and seemingly rudderless. He is facing small claims court for a balance on a repossessed vehicle 4800.00. Owes 699.00 for repairs on another vehicle and is being taken to court for that as well. He blames ME for most of the ills that have befallen him. Particularly the $ woes. Yes.  I referred him to both of the entities concerning the cars. He had job(s) and was either laid off, quit or fired from them. Since the  it has been stop and go. Mostly stop. He recently enrolled in a local comm college and plans to attend, but in the meantime he is/has been collecting unemployment benefits @ 244.00/week. He finally started paying me $50/week about 6 weeks ago. He did not pay up last week and offered no explanation until I asked. He had to pay extra $ that he owed to his friend for a used car he'd purchased from him.  Bottom line with him is that he has no intention of taking just any job.. something that I have encouraged him to do very strongly. He is depressed, did make an effort to reach out for referrals for so e counseling but stopped there stating that all any if these peoe would do would be to throw pills at him. Mind you...this boy has been known to like his pot smoking. Although of late he qui smoking cigarettes completely and I had not smelled  evidence of pot lately either. He is very angry and goes off like a rocket at me at the slightest turn. For example, Inhave begun working out of home and that has put a crimp in his life. Anyway, me working. It one, but two jobs to meet our expenses while he goes off to "hang out with..." Or he watches tv all night or cartoons during the day. It came to a head today's ago. I asked what he had been doing in terms of job search or writing a letter to the court explaining his current jobless situation in an effort to perhaps have the amount owed reduced. He went off like the rocket telling me to shut the fu.. Up and that I was so f...stupid. The blatant disrespect, constant blaming toward me and/ or the world at large/ the **** poor state of economy that "my generation has ruined for his" finally hit home. This litany of insults and clear unwillingness to take responsibility for his own life out of his overwhelming sense of fear of failing or that he is too good to waste his time on menial jobs just got to me BIG TIME. I told him to clear out and that he was no longer welcome in this home. "So great, Ma! Are you going to have me sleeping in my car? You ate ruining my life just when I am starting to pull it together"!    Well, he has been at this juncture before and what usually and has happened is that he meets a girl and gets swept up in her life. He loses himself and whatever sense of direction he may have been approaching. Lately it is obvious that he awoke after the most recent break up with a girl to the fact that here was...25 yrs old, life had moved on but he didn't. Great awakenings? Absolutely! The. He wanted to fix it all in one fell swoop. Applied to local college, obtained referrals for counseling. But to get a job . Nope. He would plan to collect to the end his unemploy bennies and the. What? Fall back on good ' mom? Not with his attitude of entitlement and disdain towards me. I chose to live with it no longer. I am not his or anyone else's mule or vending machine.  He has an older bro who is on his own some years now and in successful recovery for drug use. He has held a job, bought cars, has own place in Fla. my son that lives/lived with me kept saying that maybe he, too, would succeed if he got into some heavy drugs. I sincerely do not believe this you g man will do that, but I do not see him as being especially equipt in terms of coping mechanisms. How will he develop them unless he has to? Li inv with me was enabling him and disabling opportunities for growth all the while I was being sapped of energies due to living with such an angry person! AND working two jobs to support such an environment? Nope. C.S. Lewis is right:  "the door to hell is locked on the inside"
Blank
Avatar_m_tn
i am a 46 year old mother of two. 25 year old son and a 16 year old daughter. been in love twice so they have different fathers. my 25 year old father is currently locked up for murdering his grandmother and a boarder who lived in the house. he just lost it one day. served in the army worked for the school district so this guy was well educated. my son was 4 years old when it happened. my son was such a sweet loving kid. he made me happy and smile. but when he became a teenager, there was a lot of issues from school to drugs to the wrong crowd.he dropped out in the 11 grade. we lived with my mother so she always stepped in. but there was no one to step in when she was raising us alone and she did a great job and i am the oldest of 3. I moved out when my daughter was born but didn't move far. when my mother has taken ill and i moved back home after only being gone for a year and a half. oh i didnt go far, i lived across the street. my sister got married and my brother moved out so i did not want my mother living alone.. she recently passed away at the age of 69 on feb 1, 2013. the day she died she told my son that i did not do anything for her and i left her home alone.I worked and took her to all her doctor's appts. the worst thing is my son being in the same state of mind as his grandmother believed her.(she stop taking her medication and he was using drugs). to make this short, my son lives with his girlfriend and when i tried to reach out to him, he has called me all kinds of names. said he do not want to see me.this has not been the first time. now to step back, i lost two babies before him so he is my miracle child from the same man.i gave up my life for both my children to focus on their needs and wants so the only fun times were with my sister, extended sisters and friends.my son is an adult and i must move on as he wants me to. but when his dentist bill comes in the mail for those two front teeth that he cracked from falling off a bike last year..with all power in me, i want to knock them out but i am not that person.i cry but i must move on and take care of my daughter who is doing great in school. but one fear that i have is "do history repeats itself?" i find myself thinking that my son is going to physically harm me and or my daughter. its a feeling i can not shake.
Blank
Avatar_m_tn
The behaviors of most kids in these letters sounds exactly like what people/kids act like when they have drug and alcohol problems. FYI, it is not easy to tell when people are taking many drugs -- heroin, methamphetamine, etc. -- and most of us don't even want to go there in thought but it is a very real predicament and more young people than you would ever imagine are caught up in this lifestyle. I am losing my daughter to it. What a sad thing it is.
Blank
Avatar_m_tn
Thank you for this forum.  I've just come across it but it's  helped me already.  My oler son is 27. He's never been easy but he is being particularly foul at the moment.  He shouts at me on the phone and has written me furiously angry emails.  I honestly did not do anything to provoke this recent rage.

I have always been very close to this son.  When we are getting on we can talk and be in accord in a way which is quite unique.  I think that's what's making this so painful.  It is also frightening because I myself had rows and eventually cut myself off from my mother.  I believed she was a very destructive part of my life as she openly showed that she thought little of me and found me an embarrassment.  She was cold and never made physical contact with me after I was about 7.  Mine was a dysfunctional family with endless screaming and shouting and hatred between my brother, father and myself.  It was also violent.  My brother had a mental breakdown when he was 11 and was out of school for a year.  I was depressed and had all the eating disorders.  

My overriding aim with my own children was to make their upbringing as different as possible.  I have a wonderful husband who couldn't have been a better father.  I'm affectionate and always positive with my sons and have never shown favouritism (I don't have a favourite).

It now seems that despite my life plan, my own son is showing the same behaviours towards me as I did to my mother.  I would not be at all surprised if he cut himself off from us over the next year or or so.  Last Christmas he said he hated being at home and didn't want to come home this year.  I think this May be what's behind the recent anger.  How I dread Christmas and always have.  It brings up all the pain.

My thought is that perhaps.some of this behaviour could actually be in the genes.  My son is like my mother in that he is physically cold and has trouble getting on with people.  Worst of all, he may end up like me and become estranged from his mother.  I hate to think this.  It's so fatalistic.

Thank you for the advice to create space from him and get on with my own life. It's hard. I also think our children, perhaps the ones who are most like us, blame us when they are unhappy.  We perhaps act like a mirror and reflect back to them all the things they don't like about themselves, just because we're so alike, there's nothing conscious.  I don't know.  I just feel sad.

Another thought was that there seems to be a common theme in these posts.  We all seem to give so much to our children.  A couple of months ago I told my son I would give him a large sum of money to help him with the deposit for his first house.  I'm now thinking that was very foolish.  He's certainly not grateful.  He's used this knowledge to stop saving as carefully and going on expensive holidays.

Thank you again.  It's helped a lot to know I'm not the only one going through this, and some of you are having an even worse time.  Best wishes to you.
Blank
Avatar_m_tn
Thank you for this forum.  I've just come across it but it's  helped me already.  My oler son is 27. He's never been easy but he is being particularly foul at the moment.  He shouts at me on the phone and has written me furiously angry emails.  I honestly did not do anything to provoke this recent rage.

I have always been very close to this son.  When we are getting on we can talk and be in accord in a way which is quite unique.  I think that's what's making this so painful.  It is also frightening because I myself had rows and eventually cut myself off from my mother.  I believed she was a very destructive part of my life as she openly showed that she thought little of me and found me an embarrassment.  She was cold and never made physical contact with me after I was about 7.  Mine was a dysfunctional family with endless screaming and shouting and hatred between my brother, father and myself.  It was also violent.  My brother had a mental breakdown when he was 11 and was out of school for a year.  I was depressed and had all the eating disorders.  

My overriding aim with my own children was to make their upbringing as different as possible.  I have a wonderful husband who couldn't have been a better father.  I'm affectionate and always positive with my sons and have never shown favouritism (I don't have a favourite).

It now seems that despite my life plan, my own son is showing the same behaviours towards me as I did to my mother.  I would not be at all surprised if he cut himself off from us over the next year or or so.  Last Christmas he said he hated being at home and didn't want to come home this year.  I think this May be what's behind the recent anger.  How I dread Christmas and always have.  It brings up all the pain.

My thought is that perhaps.some of this behaviour could actually be in the genes.  My son is like my mother in that he is physically cold and has trouble getting on with people.  Worst of all, he may end up like me and become estranged from his mother.  I hate to think this.  It's so fatalistic.

Thank you for the advice to create space from him and get on with my own life. It's hard. I also think our children, perhaps the ones who are most like us, blame us when they are unhappy.  We perhaps act like a mirror and reflect back to them all the things they don't like about themselves, just because we're so alike, there's nothing conscious.  I don't know.  I just feel sad.

Another thought was that there seems to be a common theme in these posts.  We all seem to give so much to our children.  A couple of months ago I told my son I would give him a large sum of money to help him with the deposit for his first house.  I'm now thinking that was very foolish.  He's certainly not grateful.  He's used this knowledge to stop saving as carefully and going on expensive holidays.

Thank you again.  It's helped a lot to know I'm not the only one going through this, and some of you are having an even worse time.  Best wishes to you.
Blank
1699033_tn?1405352675
Hi Suzy....this is a good post for the "Parenting young adults 18 - 26"  even though he is 27.  This is not a new forum but one that I don't think a lot of people know about.  
Blank
Avatar_m_tn
My fiancée's son has just about torn my relationship apart.  It started off by him being rude, but I could handle that.  I am fortunate enough to own 3 businesses and I am an only child.  While my fiancée and I were planning our future together I said that someday in the near future I would like to change my will and leave everything to her grandchildren if we were to both die together.  I don't have any other family.  Boy did that cause a firestorm.  My son's wife, her parents invited us over for Fathers Day 2013 and the law was laid down.  We were told that the kids (my fiancée's son) and wife would never allow us to be around the kids outside of supervision.  Who knows? they commented, you could be a child molester or a pedophile.  They told my fiancée that they could do nothing about me coming to watch their sporting events, but we would never be able to have a life with her grandkids.  So... my fiancée wrote her son a letter stating that it was unfair, and completely unjustified which caused another firestorm.  The other grandparents along with their daughter verbally assaulted her in public.  The man (65 years of age) was so abusive my fiancée was afraid of being physically assaulted.  My fiancée was broken.  I called her son and asked him (do you realize how sick your mom is), she deserved to be treated with respect.  Then his verbal assault started against his Mother (my fiancée).   I told him this has got to stop and to tell his father in law this type of behavior was inappropriate and had better never happen again.  He fired back to me that he did not believe it happened and his mother was nothing but a no good trouble maker.  Unfortunately I had enough and I told him to tell his father in law that if it happened again that I would hit him so hard he would wake up laying on the ground wondering what happened.   He then calls his mother an tells her that I threated his family and that I had said " I would come and hunt them down and cut them into little pieces and throw their body parts in dumpsters"  MY GOD!   My fiancée and I have been arguing ever since.  She keeps insisting it's not her son's fault... it's the other grandparents or his wife.  I am so sick of their hate.  I don't know if I can continue this relationship even though we love each other so much.  His hatred is overwhelming and his lies and accusations are beyond belief or my acceptance.  
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
This is a sad but helpful forum.
There are two patterns that I can see and I think I also faced: a kid who receives too much and feels always entitled AND ex-s or relatives who are melting in a very wrong and/or unethical way confusing the kid and such creating problems and grief.  Everything else likely needs a psychologist.

I have a son who doesn't seem to realize who did the heavy lifting and was always there when needed. I divorced when the son was 6 years old because his father was abusive and mother in low (sorry, law:) controlling and very melting. Ex refused to work on correcting anything hence I believed it was healthier to divorce. Got uncontested full custody. As I believed peace was more important for the kid, I left my ex almost all our common assets as to fight would have taken years. I was not going to trade kid's peace in a house for assets.  Turns out that it was a damn if you do, damn if you don't situation as after ex boasted to kid how he is rich because he is so smart and mom poor because she is so terrible etc, etc.... Forgetting who worked on all (no money from home, we worked on all)

I was educated, made a good income of my own work and started to invest again. Two years after the divorce I got an offer to work abroad. I took the kid with me and the new school system was better for the kid. Hence we stayed. It was very difficult for me juggling a new country, a new demanding full time professional job and being a single mom with no relative or friend around.

I was there for the kid as much I was able to and we had to both learn a new place. Most other moms where we lived were stay at home. My ex meantime took advantage f the situation by paying zero financial support (knowing full well that I had enough things to deal with and will make all more difficult for me - not withstanding that not only that I had full custody but he happily sign for the kid to leave). he was also telling the kid who happier he would be in any other circumstance than with mom.

That included how non successful mom was by not having a big mansion with swimming pool, tennis court etc.... (Very stupid, I know, but kids might believe in fairy tales..,,)

I was a no nonsense mom with very little time for anything else than work and kid. There was no drinking, smoking or a string of lovers. We always lived in places with best schools, hence expensive - where one might not think that a single immigrant mother will rent a house or a condo.
I had the constant melting of the ex via phone, Skype and in vacations - conditioning the kid to expect the moon, the star and a few galaxies as his own and blaming mom for not having them.
Was maybe my mistake of not doing my best to cut ex off. Maybe foolishly I decided that it is nonsense and to concentrate on education and a good living situation for the kid. With a scholarship due to kid's work and my financial support to close the gap, kid went to a private highschool and after to one of the best universities. Dad paid nothing, nada, nil and continued to misdirect the kid. I tried to speak to him but it was no way to bring him to see the best interest of the kid. He even pretended that I asked him to contribute to his son's expenses only to find a way to hang on him. Right - from 10,000 miles away, by asking to contribute to his son's college expenses directly to university and to stop raising irrational expectations!

Kid is already 24 but I still hear father's hateful comments repeated verbatim, with no support/examples or rational behind.

Mom is not good enough, not successful enough, is to be hated etc, etc....
I believe this is beyond being ungrateful and immature. So far I just did all my best for the kid regardless of situation and believed that no intelligent person when mature will be unable to see all that hateful speech of his father for what it was - just garbage.

At 24 and a graduate I expected son to activate his brain more outside academics and dealing in a civilized manner with strangers and business contacts.
But no, I still hear the same. When I ask kid to substantiate by examples his verbatim sentences from dad, I just get an other verbatim hurtful sentence.

Unfortunately I can't find this adult kid any more excuses. When I look back I know it was tough for both of us, but when one is given lemons, it has to prepare lemonade and this is what I did. The best I could in the given conditions and not winning the lottery.

Yes, I am guilty we didn't have the big mansion, a dog and a fancy car and parties. We only rented a condo where dogs were not allowed and the car was a regular simple one. Yes, the area was excellent and safe. I did not shower kid with thousands of USD per months during college, but he had all he needed and even if I had billions I would have still not thrown that kind of money at him as that was bad education.

Didn't give him a car at 16, but he did not need one, I had no money for a safe one, parking a second car was close to impossible where we lived and anyway getting the son a car at 16 I don't think is mom's duty but maybe father's if he feels like?
So, no, I don't feel guilty for a no fancy car at 16. Kid drove the family car. Not most convenient and macho way but hey, that's life. Told him that it is what it is for the given reason and yes, I know that hate is free but he will get over it as it is no biggie.  I tend not to be the wallflower hence he got the no nonsense speech from me and no oh, poor you, poor, poor baby.......

Anyway, looks that kid will forever keep mom in contempt and say hurtful things. He engaged in the same just very recently, right after I picked him on my medical insurance to save him money - at his very request.

And I am paying when he has a job. Did I get a thank you? Oh, no - mom is never good enough as she did not provide something elusive, only his father might know what that was.....   (While providing nothing than irrational expectations and lies)

I cannot anymore rationalize kid's behavior - except that he is maybe spoiled which is also unacceptable at 24 and when we lived with modest to medium means.

Yes, I am sorry it was though for both of us, but I did my best. Hence I only feel very sad as i am trying to find a way to balance myself in the situation this adult kid will never ever get it. Might need to cut him off and consider I never had a kid - which will make his father happy since his dirty ways finally worked. But I am going to say that this is yet an other proof that I had a case of a divorce-able guy, to start with. And ignore that thought. Any advice re?

Regardless how I slice it except not marrying his father way back I don't know how I could have made things better as I think it might have been worst if I did not divorce.  Not great for the kid regardless and i was always felt bad about, the best way from two bad choices.
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
I love this. Thank you. You are so right! i am just listening in. My oldest son makes me wish I had spent alot more time in the wood shed with him.Everything bad in his life is my fault. I to was a single parent with two sons to raise.It breaks my heart but I cant do this any longer. I think the verbal abuse is much worse.I will let you know how it goes. My son is 40 now and lost his oldest child from his first marriage 2 years ago and he lived for that child. that too makes it that much harder for me.
Blank
Avatar_n_tn
If it is any consolation,you are not alone.Abuse from adult sons toward their mothers is very common.They are the losers not you.I know it is heartbreaking and hard to understand but it's better to be without the abuse that they seem intent on piling upon you.I put up with it for many years because I didn't want them to stop talking to me until I started feeling like a whipped dog cowering before them.I ended up in hospital with a nervous breakdown and it still didn't stop,so I finally ,with advice from professionals to cut them off.I did everything I could for them including going into debt helping them out.No gratitude from them.
Blank
Avatar_m_tn
Having read tons of comments I've come to the conclusion that life is far to short to allow my son who is 27 to distory me. he decided 2 Years ago that he didn't want me or his dad because he wanted us to buy a 7,000  pound car for him. Like a lot of you, I too have beat my self up wondering what I've done wrong. I can't live my sons life for him he's doing that well himself. He doesn't need me, has a good job now and a lovely home. I've done a good job in bringing him up because he's independent. Job well done. So, why do we punish ourselves? I think if I could go back to the past I won't change anything because I loved him with all my heart, fed him and cared for him. what more could a mother do? Who am I kidding... I'm beating myself up again.... And he loves it.
Blank
480448_tn?1403547723
Hello and welcome!  I'm glad you found reading others' similar stories helpful.  If you'd like more input, or support, please start your own thread (link below), as the older ones usually just get passed by.

http://www.medhelp.org/posts/new_with_new_subject?forum_id=71

Thanks!
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
I totally relate to your story. wow. I am a single mother who raised my son by myself. I bought a home at 27 and raised him the opposite of how I was raised. my parents live in the same town. as they started to put me down again three years ago I allowed him to continue to see them. I have traveled the world with him and treated him like a king. totally overcompensated for his father not being in his life. at first when my family would go skiing for Christmas and leave me behind he had my back. it took awhile but he started treating me the way they did. at 16 we wanted to spend mothers day alone. my mother and sister convinced him to run away. they tried to take custody in which he was to be returned to me. he was home for 4 days before my parents made a false cps claim and kept him for the next month. I had paid an attorney who did and said nothing at the next court date instead he gave my parents an extended visitation for three months under certain stipulations but failed to tell the judge that they weren't following the court orders. I missed out on all the holidays and even his birthday this past January when he turned 17. he wont even speak to me and I am trying to terminate their temporary visitation and have him immediately returned but they are brainwashing him and he is making up lies to his court appointed attorney about me. unfortunately today I thought it would be resolved but my original Judge left about a week ago so the new judge isn't familiar with the case. I feel so stabbed in the heart that I want to die. I am treated as a disease by my family even though none of my sisters or famly accomplished anything I did. They said they will fight for him. His attitude has turned horrible. he has been arrested twice in their care, thrown out of school and they totally ruined the telephone relationship my son and I had. I want him home to teach him ways of the heart and they are only in it for the control. I don't feel a reason to live anymore. I cant deal with the fact my own family turned the one person I dedicated my entire life too... please help me
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
  Hi, Omegle; back when my son was little and I would see some kids turn out badly, I used to blame the parents, too.  
   I would even say, "Kids don't just "turn out" -- they are taught to be bad by the stupid ways their parents rear them."
     I did everything as well as I could; I read many books about child rearing and tried always to use the best possible ideas.  I saw professionals to guide me when I had troubles I couldn't solve by reading...I disciplined and praised, rewarded and encouraged, loved and gave him time each day--not just "quality" time, but quantity time that I did my best to make good quality out of, too.  He had all he truly needed, and learned early to work...he was cleaning neighborhood ditches for 50cents each at age 8; by 10 (a big, strong boy) he was mowing nearby lawns; by 16 he had $12,000 in the bank that he had earned himself.  At 18 he was so argumentative that I had constant, nearly blinding headaches and we helped him set up a little trailer in our driveway with a flush toilet so he could finish high school without making me fall apart or yell all the time (he used to take my towel from the bathroom and throw it on the floor and wipe his feet on it, for just one example of his strange behavior).  He tried to drop out of high school but I refused to let him, promising him his father would come home from work every day and haul his sorry *** and sit with him in class all day if that's what it would take.  He was horrified, but finished high school.  Since then he had his own son; they asked me to babysit but the mother refused to let me give the baby more than her breast milk and he cried all day long, every day.  Finally I insisted they find a relief babysitter and she told them the kid had to have more food, so they let her feed him--and I didn't see him again for a half a year.  It has gone downhill from there, finally my daughter-in-law told me she wanted to hit me and ran out of the room; then the next day I got a note from her telling me she had nothing to say to me ever again and wanted to hear nothing from me ever again, and I called my son and he got nasty with me almost instantly and I said I wasn't sure I wanted to be around her any more and he said fine, then I'd never see any of them again, so for the fifth time I didn't see my grandson for a year...and when he did come to visit he behaved so badly, breaking my computer, lying to me, cursing, calling my dogs names and telling me to get rid of them (two little middle-aged pug girls who love him)--anyway, this site has been an eye-opener...I thought it was something I'd done; he has said I am so sick and crazy and out-of-control that I need permanent total care in a facility--he has accused me of hideous abuse of him when he was young, each time he tells the tales he makes them worse and worse...his son even said his dad was a liar, but he's almost as bad himself.  
   This all came to a head because my husband retired and we're going to roll over his 401K and we had to list a beneficiary...we'd had our son on it from 25 years ago, and now realize we don't want him or his son to have anything out of it, not now, anyway.  But oh, my, this is a painful decision, a real brick wall, and we have to decide what to do before we can finalize our financial plans...why, why, why do these things happen?  I think my son is some kind of a psychopath, marked either by genetics or genetics and some influences early on that I'm unaware of...my psychotherapist said there are enough strange/criminal/nasty people in our family on both sides that genetics alone could account for our son's personality...at first I felt I had to take all the blame, but after a couple of years thinking it over, maybe it's not what I did, an even that all my hard work with him may have kept him from becoming a dangerous criminal...and this is as good as it could ever get with him.  Maybe.  
    It's too easy to blame the parents, Omegle, really, it is.  And he had a religious upbringing, a positive and loving one, so it's not for lack of god, either.  It's something else.  Something worse.  Something deeper.  
Blank
Avatar_m_tn
It is almost a year since my only son, daughter in law (they met when they were 16), and her parents did everything possible to cut me to ribbons.

Her retired parents have been 24/7 "there" for these kids, and they have now gone so far as to move into a new custom home on the same street as the kids.  They would have moved next door, but the contract fell through. They were retired and fairly well off.  It is almost like the show Everybody Loves Raymond.

They clearly wanted sole access to the grandchildren and me out of the picture as far as the grand children. They hate that my granddaughter is practically my clone, and that the grand children both passionately and with humor loved both me and my fiance. My son has not had contact with my side of the family in almost 15 years. He is 33, and this is ridiculous.

I backed off. Followed expert advice, but I am struggling to accept that I will never see my son or grand children again. There has been unspeakable cruelty. My relationship was at first threatened by this, but we sailed through it together and came out stronger. Kudos to my fiance for even going to counseling trying to navigate this situation.

I did a great job raising my son. He accepted God/Christ in his teens, and he has had a dream life. On their 4th custom brand new job, free car and gas from work, he worked his way up to managing an entire operation of a family owned business after the financial crash in 08, etc. Wherever they went, her mom and dad were there. Technically, it is like they never left home, and they have a huge sense of entitlement.

I had to begin a saga of over 12 years of taking care of critically ill parents and crippled siblings. My marriage disintegrated over the stress. I had two long marriages with abusive husbands, but I have worked hard for decades to put down that baggage, and I did a good job of keeping my son out of it.

At the time my son claims abandonment was when he was completely on his own and was attending and graduating from 2 prestigious universities. He married and his high school sweetheart and had the two most beautiful grandchildren ever. Boy, 8, girl, 3. I have a huge family of origin, and my son was an only child. He had a chance to do things as a child that most folks never get to experience. Oddly, his complaints (all of their complaints) are of my supposed abandonment during the years I had to commute around the country helping my immediate family. It cost dearly, but it also was a gift of pure family love and beauty. I saw the kids at least 4 times a year by either flying or driving 24 hours non-stop. My son stated he has no memory of this. I have thousands of photos he looks right at and denies. He and his family (the first great grandchildren) never once came to see me or his grandpa and grandma on my side. Now it is too late.

I sought excellent counseling with two specialty therapists after the original attack from the in laws began at the father's day table, of all things. I have been working with them a year.

I wasn't a threat to the in-laws prior to my engagement to a wonderful man with is a very healthy relationship filled with love. They had previously seen  me as a poor little struggling single woman. I had nothing after the divorce, and I worked hard at low wages to circle back and relocate (at my son's request) to where they lived. The grandchildren and I bonded, and I regularly  took care of them.

I met a wonderful man, and we are engaged. That is when it hit the fan. In their in-law's eyes, I was suddenly a player. I had a beautiful home again, and both the grandchildren started accidentally calling their mom and the other grandmother by my nickname of Nana. That was the last straw for the adults. Over night, my fiance and I became the enemy. My son says he recognizes my unconditional love, but he can't stand to be in the same room with me.

Daughter in law's family literally attacked me on a couple of occasions, as well as attacking my fiance...a fine man. I guess they thought of us as competition and their envy or fear was out of control.  During this time, I was also diagnosed to have overlapping auto immune diseases and became permanently disabled. The stress was exacerbating my illness. I moved to the woods and lake area for the serenity and peace.

My son absolutely will not believe what his wife's family did, and he calls me a pathological liar,  etc. He did not witness the attacks perpetrated by the in laws. He has completely disowned me unless I will crawl back and admit that all their lies are true, and even then I do not believe it would gain any foothold of a relationship or be allowed to see them...it would be a joke for them.. My son and his family is using the children as weapons, withholding access and returning and throwing away gifts, cards, and remembrances for the children from me and my fiance. Including many hand made items for the children.

They accused my wonderful fiance of the possibility of being a pedophile. Shocking. Unbelievable.

The grief and sadness doesn't go away. It is getting better. At one point, I felt like doing myself in because I felt I lost my identity a bit when the caretaking of the ill family members ended. Now my motherhood and being a Nana has been taken away forcefully.

I don't know what to do.  My pain won't go away.

I want to build this new life and move on.  But the pain is indescribable.
Blank
Avatar_m_tn
Nice to see I'm not the only one experiencing this. I left domestic violence, established a stable home and successful career to support us for my kids. I have never dated and put my kids first,  thinking I was doing all the right things, to have my 2 oldest cut me out of their lives as adults. Now a 3rd one has decided her boyfriends claim I never gave a damn about her is fact and she is shutting me out  Well my approach is life goes on and they know where my door is. If they choose not to use it, my life is not going to end. I know I did nothing wrong, they tend to surface long enough to use me then dump me and I have reached a point they know I am no longer here to be used so I dont anticipate any form of a relationship with them at any point,  I am disallusioned as life is not the way I thought it would be and I am very hurt so I focus on work and home and wont allow myself to think about it. There are times I regret having kids or getting married and for making the sacrifices I did. I have put up a wall that does not allow anyone to get close to me and that is the way it is going to be. My family I consider to be my 2 dogs and 2 cats with myself. Outside of that nobody and nothing else matters.
Blank
Avatar_m_tn
Nice to see I'm not the only one experiencing this. I left domestic violence, established a stable home and successful career to support us for my kids. I have never dated and put my kids first,  thinking I was doing all the right things, to have my 2 oldest cut me out of their lives as adults. Now a 3rd one has decided her boyfriends claim I never gave a damn about her is fact and she is shutting me out  Well my approach is life goes on and they know where my door is. If they choose not to use it, my life is not going to end. I know I did nothing wrong, they tend to surface long enough to use me then dump me and I have reached a point they know I am no longer here to be used so I dont anticipate any form of a relationship with them at any point,  I am disallusioned as life is not the way I thought it would be and I am very hurt so I focus on work and home and wont allow myself to think about it. There are times I regret having kids or getting married and for making the sacrifices I did. I have put up a wall that does not allow anyone to get close to me and that is the way it is going to be. My family I consider to be my 2 dogs and 2 cats with myself. Outside of that nobody and nothing else matters.
Blank
Avatar_n_tn
It is sad to say but I am in your same boat!!! My Sons both hate me too!!! One is 42 and one is 46....They love my WALLET ONLY!!! Let Go Mary Lou and move on....Save yourself and your dignity!!! If you must have "Love" or feel you failed get some Foster kids that need you perhaps with special needs!!! Mine have hated me since puberty and no matter what they will die hating me.....TO DARN BAD!!!! Gayle C.
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
Hello, everyone. I have cried for so many of you reading these postings.

I am not posting to ask for help. I already know my decision: not to speak to my son any more. And it is MY decision.

I was not married when I had my oldest son, who will shortly be turning 28. His father refused to have anything to do with us and was literally “hidden” by his parents, who shuffled him off to school without telling me where. I was a kid. I had no idea what to do. So I just worked and worked and supported my son.

My son had issues from nearly day one. He was angry, and pretty much all the “professionals” in my life – teachers, doctors – assumed it was because we were a single-family home. My son was often violent. He would harm the other children. He was kicked out of two daycares and one preschool by the time he was four.

I would go to his doctor literally sobbing, and begging for help - remember that I was dealing with this sort of thing *every single day*. Constant calls during work, and me being terrified I would lose my job because of them (and who would take care of us then? Nobody). Being called away from work to come pick him up from school because they wouldn't allow him there for the rest of the day - or rest of the week. He was even suspended from the cafeteria for one full month and I had to take my lunch hour during his, park out front of the school and let him eat his lunch in my car.

While I poured my heart out to the doctor in terror for my son, she would tighten her lips with that familiar look of disapproval that I was a single parent, and snottily make comments to the effect that I simply must be a terrible parent, and/or must be abusing my son.

In reality, he was abusing me. He would literally tell me he was going to kill me in my sleep (this starting at approximately age nine). He would smile and stand over me and tell me he was going to set the bed on fire with me in it. If I cried, he would scream with laughter standing over me – on a chair, or if I had fallen to the ground (he often pushed/shoved me/shoved me with objects), laughing with joy that he had made me cry.

I tried behavior charts. I tried witholding activities. I tried "positive reinforcement." I tried "tough love." I read dozens of books searching frantically for an answer. I begged him to tell me what was wrong. I tried going with him to his therapy sessions...letting him go without me...letting  him decide what therapist he wanted to see...butting out...being more involved...less involved...ignoring bad behaviors...punishing bad behaviors...ceasing to call them "bad" behaviors...showering him with attention...creating stories to illustrate how to treat people...and on and on and on and on I tried, tried, tried, tried, tried, tried.

It. NEVER. ENDED.

I took him to psychiatrists. He was even on antidepressants for a time. At one point I tried changing his diet; I used an elimination diet to try to see if he had some form of food allergy that was making him so harmful. Nothing worked and still, no one listened to me.

As of the last time I spoke to him – about six months ago – he was still blaming me for “abusing” him by “making” him eat an elimination diet.
He would frequently tell me that if I didn’t do what he wanted me to, he would call Child Services and have me arrested. I think the first time he threatened this, he was about seven.

I was married very briefly. My son was overjoyed when my husband and I divorced as he (my son) had me all to himself to abuse again. He’d call me a wh*ore, a b*tch, etc., If I tried to call someone for help, he’d yank the phone out of the wall. He’d smilingly tell me to watch my back as if I didn’t do as he wanted, he would push me down the stairs.

He dropped out of school at 16 (I was drained, an emotional wreck and out of “fight” by that time). I had just remarried. My new husband and I had a son and then we moved cross-country when my oldest son was 18. I did not ask my oldest son to come with me.

My oldest son would cry and cry on the phone to me and tell me his problems, and would beg for money, etc. and guess what…I would send it to him. Yes, really. If I didn’t do it quickly enough, he’d get that threatening tone of voice again, on edge, demanding to know “what the holdup” was.

Meanwhile, a few things were beginning to dawn on me...call me a slow learner. For example, as late as my last birthday in August, he had no idea my birthday was coming. He had never cared enough about me *even to learn when my birthday was*. *This was my own son...and a person who lived with me for many years.*

He also never called on Mother's Day. Such things didn't matter to him, because it wasn't an occasion for him. It was just for me, so forget about it.

Suddenly, separated from him – and the situation – I realized it for what it had always been: abuse. And I put my foot down this year. I told him if he could not be decent toward me, I would no longer speak to him.

You really will not believe what he answered: “You need help. Get it.”

I just shook my head and erased the text and have not spoken to him since.

And I do not plan to.
Blank
Avatar_m_tn
Well it is official this has become an epidemic .I am in the same situation as most moms your good and bad  needed not needed , in then out it happened to me twice with one son three with the other son a grandchild held from me 2 years and much more . I cried ,kicked ,screamed ,begged pleaded and got told to my surprise that my husband and I were a burden .Funny when we worked so hard as parents to find out years later we were worthless because I never found 1 moment to be a burden when my children were little even now with all that had happened I don't feel that way but I do feel sorry that they don't realize how this will come back on them one day . I truly believe God or the universe has a way with righting the wrongs in life .This new fad will wither and die and something else will replace it .That's where we as the parents of pain might THANK God it isn't US on the receiving end.
Blank
Avatar_m_tn
I can tell you that you are not alone.  My only child, a 34 y/o calls me horrible names.  He has always talked disrespectfully to me.  I made mistakes, I am a Christian too, I know that I am forgiven.  Daily he calls me, asks me for money asks me for my pain medication and if the answer is ever no, I can't help you today, I am called a *****, *****, worthless piece of ****...any name that you can imagine, he calls me.  He is disrespectful to his wife, they have no kids thank God!  She has a very good job and she gives him at least 40 to 50 dollars daily so he can buy pills, weed, beer, whatever he wants.  He cheats on her, she catches him and does nothing.  I have made my mind up today, that I will no longer be called filthy names by this cretin that I gave birth to.  He is a convicted felon, he just recently totaled his dads truck (we are divorced) while his dad is in the hospital almost dying from a heart attack.  He has access to his dads bank account.  He is a criminal and a menace to society.  My fear is that he will commit suicide by cops in front of me.  I called the cops on him just this week for calling me horrible  names while he was in my home.  There is no helping him until he wants it.  His issues are HIS.  I have made my mind up to never cry one more tear.  I have an awesome husband (whom my son hates).  All I need is my husband, my siblings and my friends.  I don't need this horrible demon that I brought into this world.
Blank
Avatar_m_tn
Your story sounds exactly like mine even down to our birthdays being in August.  My son has been disrespectful to me since he was about 5 years old, kicked out of daycare, school, constantly being called at work, same scenario.  I will be honest, I made mistakes.  There was a short time of alcohol and drug use, but I constantly maintained a very good job.  We were never evicted from where we lived and always lived in very nice places.  Now at 34 years old, he is addicted to multiple drugs.  He takes almost any pill that will get you high.  I have chronic pain and have been on pain meds for years.  If I don't give him my meds, he threatens to call my doctor and tell lies about me, call my church pastor, all of my family members and when I finally give in, he loves me again, for about 2 days.  I am with you on this, I am done.  I have him blocked from calling me.  My husband wants me to change my phone number.  I gave him a vehicle less than a year ago, he is trying to sell it right now after he ran it into the ground.  His wife, a beautiful sweet girl used to love and cherish me, now she calls me a ***** right along side of him.  I hate that someone else is going through this, but I feel empowered knowing I am not alone in this.  Hang in there, stay strong and pray that I do too!  
Blank
480448_tn?1403547723
Hi there!!

This is a VERY old thread, it will get passed by.

It would be much better if you could start your own thread.  You can do so by clicking this link:

http://www.medhelp.org/posts/Anxiety/My-adult-son-hates-me/show/434458#

Thank you!
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
I'm in the same predicament as you only worse my son beat me up and had me put in jail. I'm so angry with him that he would lay his hands on me,I was literally shocked. I to raised him with stricked hand. I believe in spanking when needed. Look at our generation we got spanked regularly and we were always scared to do bad stuff cause we didn't want that whipping, kids these days have no sense of respect towards adults in general. I know first hand how hard it is not to talk to him but it's a lesson for him to that he needs and wants you but you MUST demand respect. I haven't talked to my son now since Feb it's killing me but I'm staying strong he needs to apologize for his actions I at least deserve that, he now realize he is missing me so he calls for silly stuff n I do like that but then we end up fighting usually over nothing.
I'm..going with the police to get all my stuff n we will see what it's like without mommy's help n I'm taking him to court for all the money he borrow n now he's saying I gifted it (30,000,00) and its gonna kill me more we probably won't talk for quite some time after they award me judge ment but a hard lesson is in order here....stay strong DEMAND RESPECT and don't let him know it's hard on you too or he will keep doing it to try n make u feel bad. Sincerely Courtney
Blank
Avatar_m_tn
I totally understand how you feel.  I have a 26 year old son who hates me.  He told me he can't stand me and that he has a lot of resentment towards me. I kicked him out when he was 16. He was using drugs and violent towards me. That was 10 years ago and he won't let it go!  He also has my granddaughter who is 6 years old.  She is diabetic. He currently won't let me see her. He holds her over my head.  It is tearing me up inside.  I am having nightmares all the time and miss my granddaughter terribly.  I truly believe he has a mood disorder along with other issues. He is a control freak and treats me very bad especially in from of my granddaughter.  I can't deal with him anymore.  Anyone have any suggestions?
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
I am happy to have found this site & see that I am not alone. I have a 17 year old Son & a 12 year old Son. I divorced their Dad when they were 6 & 10. The youngest was always a Mommy's boy but, the oldest WANTED to be a Daddy's boy. However, Daddy always had better things to do with his buddies than to spend time with us :/. We fought all the time, he was lying to me all the time, sneaking out at night, not where he said he would be, etc. We broke up & got back together a million times. When he would drink he wouldn't know his limits & he would ALWAYS lash out at me. I even had to call the cops once. I finally left him for good because I didn't want my children growing up like that. I put myself & my children in counselling right away. My oldest Son was always "indifferent" & "perplexed". Neither of my children wanted much to do with their Dad because they saw him for what he was. However, somehow, that suddenly changed. My oldest was turning 16 last August & my ex mother in law told him he can do what he wants now & I can't do anything about it. Already being a troubled, angry, confused child, I'm sure she really helped him out by telling him that! So, he left me & went to AB with his "Dad". His Dad always says bad things about me & he & his entire family tell my Son EVERYTHING including what I say about the ex MIL providing my child with such info. Of course, this upsets my Son because he is being put in the middle of our "war" & shouldn't be! He takes everything out on me & has told me he is going to bash my face in with a hammer! My response was that you are not allowed in my home anymore. I have tried everything to talk to him, text him, write him, etc. He says I am not his Mother. His "Dad" supports his behaviour & allows him to smoke & drink underage & also drop out of school. I am the horrible parent who tried to make him stay in school, & make good decisions about drugs & alcohol. He has ADHD & I believe he has underlying issues that he would never let me help him with. He stopped going to counselling when he was 14 & even the counsellors agreed I can't "force" him to go because it won't do any good. He has to get the help himself. He has been told by my ex that I screwed around while we were ,married. I did NOT. However, even if I did, that's not something you tell a child & has nothing to do with the kind of parent one is! My ex tells him & my youngest Son terrible things about me & it has worked with my oldest. I am terrified every day that my, now 12 year old, will also take the same turn. I cry each & every day & can't "get over it". My heart is also broken into a million pieces. My Son tells lies that he truly believes as fact. He says I never did anything for him & I was too hard on him. I have beaten myself up for a very long time accepting the blame & trying to figure out what I should have done differently. NOTHING. My so called being hard on him was pick up your dirty laundry, be in by a certain time, study, get the help you need at school, don't be disrespectful to me, pick up after yourself, etc. Normal parental expectations as far as I'm concerned. However, his Father has developed a very high earning job & has become the "fun friend" making me look even more like Cruella Deville! He throws his money around like there's no end to it while I try to teach my children it's not about money. He lets him do as he wishes...smoking, drinking, cursing, no curfew, drop out of school, disrespect his Mother, etc & he has done a very good job at making my Son & all his friends & family think I am the lunatic bad parent. I, honestly, don't care what his friends & family think of me. My beef is with them surrounding my Son & filling him with ideas that they do things right & are so much more fun & I do things wrong & I am nuts! They are starting to work on my 12 year old now who always thought they were "idiots" but, suddenly, thinks they are pretty good! I don't know how they do it & I don't know why they have to keep trying to make my life miserable & hurting my children! I fear I have lost my oldest Son forever. It keeps me from being 100% happy in my new life. I supported my children completely on my own for several years before he gave a penny & I never had government assistance & my children never did without. I don't know how someone they never thought very much of can suddenly tweak their minds & make them forget everything & see me as horrible & him as fantastic! The counsellors have documentation of the childrens' negativity towards him & how they didn't like how he treated me (They saw it), how he treated them (Or didn't), etc. I don't know what happened & how my child can actually hate me :( I can't stand this BS! It needs to stop! An example, just the other day my 12 Year old had soccer. He had to be there as close to 5 as possible, not earlier but, 5 or thereabouts. The ex picks him up at 4! They, obviously, get there WAY too early & nobody is there. My Son texts me at 4:45 & asks me to check my email to see if it's going ahead. When I checked, they had emailed 10 minutes prior to cancel the game. My ex immediately says to my 12 year old Son, that's your idiot mother not checking her emails! Seriously!!?? They sent the email 4:35, he picked the child up at 4!!!! That's something to say to your Son about his Mother, right? Urgh! Anyway, I don't see it getting any better because he just got remarried & I do believe he treats me this way because of her because things only started getting disrespectful once he started seeing her & as much as we didn't get along, there was a time when he wouldn't allow the children to disrespect me :/ He was always the type that would be whoever he needs to be to impress others. We fought about it a lot. Now, that's exactly what he's doing with my children & his new life. He wants to impress her by dissin me & impress his children by being their friend instead of their parent. Therefore, I don't have much of a chance :( I can only continue being the parent & hope my children understand this someday.
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
Totally agree with this!
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
Here's what worked for me big time. I read this in one of the forums and it has changed my life. I have a good relationship with my kids but after reading this, and applying it. I can say my relationship with me kids got even better.

Here is what I read:



This is all my own humble opinion but here is my take on what I read (from you and everybody).



S/he resents resents resents.  Child resents resents resents  .. child is angry angry angry angry angry.  The resentment & anger doesn't end.



Wow .. some of these kids really think they have a license to resent and be angry.  I have to wonder, is there something wrong in their brains?  One thing that all these estranged kids seem to mass believe is their position that they are RIGHT, parent is WRONG, and the kids (at whatever age) are going to make the parent pay pay pay pay pay for it.  



I don't see any 'problem solving' even when an initial offering to sit down and talk is offered.  Only one thing I would have done different.  You say he did offer to meet at the library.  I would have agreed.  The nice thing about the library is that you must speak softly.  Keeps emotions in check.  You get loud or yell, you will asked to leave.  But if you are loud and asked to leave, that means the conversation really wasn't ready to be had.  Another thing - I always meet in public.  My kid can never come into my home again.  You give a kid more of an opportunity to strike out, hit, when you are in the privacy of your home and if domestic violence breaks out, the police are not inclined to interfere with a family domestic situation.



Came to the conclusion .. the kids don't want to solve it.  They seem to get off, they seem to LOVE, making parents suffer.  The more the parents suffer, the more the kids gain satisfaction.  I see from too many posts all over, this is the real agenda for almost all the kids when they do finally agree to meet.  Or bring themselves and the grandkids over for a holiday or visit .. and then don't show and they don't show and don't call deliberately .. to make you angry and pull your hair out of your head and make you cry.  That is not only what they are hoping you will do but these narcissistic kids of ours, they truly believe that is what is really happening.  



I have come to think, the kids use their anger like a drug.  Their drug of choice is ANGER.  Call it beer, alcohol, pot, or anger.  They all seem the same.  Kids don't want to give up their 'drug'.  They like being One-Up on mom, dad.  It makes them feel .. powerful.  Like a drug.  Some say (like 12-step) "we admit we are powerless over our drug" but with these kids, they hold on to the power.   Cuz they don't want to give up the 'drug'.



The more the parents want to try, to see the grandkids, to work it out .. the more the kids seem to act worse.  What a conundrum.  And from everything else I have observed (reading all this plus my own experiences with my own partially estranged son) they do like it.  They just can't give it up.  From all the boards I am a member on and read .. even when a reconciliation is achieved, it is never the same again.  The kids go back and forth, in an out of it.  Like a drug, they are hooked on the drama.  It makes them feel soooo important.  



Something, I think, is wrong with these kids.  Somebody said, why does a kid walk from a parent that really loves/loved them?  Good question.  My other observation is, the more the parent 'begs' (come see us, come talk, let us see the grandkids, etc) .. again, new opportunity for the estranged kid to dig the knife in deeper.



While a few kids outgrow this sometime in their adulthood, I don't see about 98% of them going in that direction from all my years of reading.  Hmmm ... one thing these kids have in common, they can't solve problems.  They run from them.  And they torture those that really want to solve them.  The number of dinners parents give their kids, and then at the end, the kid calls them names and walks out of the restaurant (but not till they have eaten) .. astounds me.



I'm no expert.  I'm just commenting on what I read here and other sites.  



For me, all I can say is, the more I pulled away, the more frustrated my kid got.  I may or may not answer the phone or text when it comes in.  And if I do, I am all 'hmmm' and nicely noncommittal.  I don't fall for my kid's stuff anymore.  He starts in, it's time to say goodbye, have a good week! and hang up.  He cannot rile me up anymore.  I am always cheerful.  And things are good with me (even if they are not.)  The less opportunity I give him to berate me, the better it is for me.  I'm not that concerned about him anymore.  He is mostly concerned about himself, doesn't need the two of us focusing on him!  He takes care of him, I take care of me.  I have seen him a couple times and if it is nice, we finish our taco at Taco Bell.  (NO MORE sit downs in full service restaurants.  I need the freedom to walk out, say adios, after 5 minutes if need be.)  If he is nice, we can sit and talk over a soda that is already paid for, for an hour or two.  



It's a sick game and the winner of the game is the one that gets the rules.  He thinks he is gonna get my goat but lately, he can't.  I now know he is baffled.  I don't play to his sicko ways or silly ways or his anger.  I've 'gotta go!! the MOMENT it starts.  It was the only way I could figure out how to disempower him.



Don't misunderstand me please.  This is my son, I have love for him, but if the 'games' come, I WIN or I leave.  His 'games' have one 'winner' .. and it is me.  Took me a while to figure it out.  I do see some changes in him.  I had to make him understand HE LOSES out.  He is very narcissistic, says to me, you will never see me again Mom, what do you think of THAT?  I say, sweetly, hey it's OK, you act horribly and mean, I don't want to be around you anyhow .. who would?  I de-power him.  I don't moan or cry or whine or beg.  Inside I do sometimes, but not on the outside.



It is almost like classical conditioning in a sense and it takes great strength and I should get an academy award.  But this is how I am handling it.  I 'defuse' that which he thinks will upset me.  I'm not upset (on the outside - and I am toughening up, I am less upset this last year on the inside now.)  I see him being baffled.  GOOD.  That means something is getting through to him .. however .. it does take time for all this to evolve.  Maybe years.  I accept that.



Don't know where my kid, starting at 14, thought we were equals and by 16, he decided he was more powerful than me.  Hmmm ... but save that conversation (Facebook, internet, other miserable kids, drugs, smoking, schools giving awards for losing, all of it) for another day.



This is all my own observations and conclusions and ways.  You have to do what works best for you.  If something I said makes sense, then I am glad.  


Blank
Post a Comment
To
Recent Activity
1801781_tn?1410753824
Blank
littlebit667 uploaded a new photo
28 mins ago
1801781_tn?1410753824
Blank
littlebit667 Very sad..lost my Luna (chi... Comment
31 mins ago
1302038_tn?1409939502
Blank
TinaR10 commented on TinaR10's status
58 mins ago
MedHelp Health Answers
Blank
Anxiety Tracker
Track Anxiety Symptoms
Start Tracking Now
Top Anxiety Answerers
Avatar_f_tn
Blank
remar
st. louis, MO
Avatar_m_tn
Blank
ThePinkFloyd
480448_tn?1403547723
Blank
nursegirl6572
PA
Avatar_m_tn
Blank
anxiety860
Avatar_m_tn
Blank
cj29
GA
Avatar_f_tn
Blank
michigan07
Anxiety Community Resources
RSS Expert Activity
242532_tn?1269553979
Blank
Control Emotional Eating with this ...
Sep 04 by Roger Gould, M.D.Blank
242532_tn?1269553979
Blank
Emotional Eating Control: How to St...
Aug 28 by Roger Gould, M.D.Blank
233488_tn?1310696703
Blank
New Cannabis Article from NORTH Mag...
Jul 20 by John C Hagan III, MD, FACS, FAAOBlank
Top Anxiety Answerers
Avatar_f_tn
Blank
remar
st. louis, MO
Avatar_m_tn
Blank
ThePinkFloyd
480448_tn?1403547723
Blank
nursegirl6572
PA
Avatar_m_tn
Blank
anxiety860
Avatar_m_tn
Blank
cj29
GA
Avatar_f_tn
Blank
michigan07