My adult son hates me!

Hello, I am desperately seeking guidance that may provide me with the tools to build a better relationship with my 25 year old son.  I married at 18 and I had a very turbulent marriage for 16 yers to an alcoholic...divorced him when my son was 14...during that time I tried my best to be a good provider, mother and role model...my only son never went without anything....I was a very strict, organized and scheduled kind of mother....yes whether it was right or wrong I did punish my son for inappropriate behaviour...perhaps today being wiser I might have chose different options... I did not know anything else.  I raised my 4 younger siblings.  My husband was the good guy and I was the bad guy....
Today, I am only 46 and have been divorced for 11years...emotionally I feel like I am 80....since the time of the divorce my son has constantly alleged that I severely abused him...anyone that will listen is told this story...and it gets embellished....I have spent the last 11 years of my life desperately trying to show him that I love him, accept him and would do anything for him.....now he is cohabitating and has a one year old daughter...his current partner is a very jealous, manipulative and controlling personality...she hates me terribly and now my son is even worse than ever before....he allows her to scream and yell and disrespect me terribly....he says he supports her....the situation is very bad and unpleasant...
I have gone many times to a counsellor looking to fix whatever it is that I have caused....I just don't know what to do....anything he wants I provide for him...just recently I stopped the financial flow and all the 'taking advantage of me' behaviour....I am an educated, logical and fair minded woman...but when it comes to the relationship with my son I am a total emotional basket case....I cannot stop thinking about this situation, I have acid reflux, headaches, I am depressed and angry at the world....I want to lash out.
I try to occupy my life with warm and fulfilling activities but I cannot stop obssessing about my son and granddaughter...I don't want to go the rest of my life not having a relationship with them but more importantly having my son truly feel, think and believe in his mind that I abused him...it is tearing me apart...he will not go to counselling and now has cut off all communication.

I am only telling you the tip of the iceberg of my heartfelt story....I am hoping that someone may have some suggestions that I may employ to make my son realize he is wrong, to show I love him and build a better tomorrow and have a wonderful future.
Thank you to whomever.
Mary Lou

[fuzzy882]

This is really sad Mary Lou,  I feel your pain.  But maybe it's time you just backed off a little until things cool down or they come to there senses. I know it must tear your apart, this is your son and grandchild, but until things cool down nothing will get accomplished, just more hurt. Is he your only child?  I cant believe that he hates you. Right now he is just caught between you and his wife, that's a hard spot to be in. You are his mother and always will be, so just step back for awhile and let him think about things and I'm sure things will work out.

Good Luck Mary Lou

[susieq87]

I had some resentments and I realized my mom did the best she could with what she had to work with and what she knew.  I hope your son will realize that someday.  You, unfortunately can't change someone's attitude, they have to do it themself.  It sounds like you are enabling their behavior wth the money flow, you did stop, however, hich is the first step towards tryng to compensate for the past.  You don't needthe emotional abuse and your son is an *** for letting it happen.  Unfortunately, I feel, you need to distance yourself and allow them to sort their problems out.  They will at some point want Grandma to come help with Grandaughter. Als, they have groups called CODA, Co-Dependents annymous.  I am a big believer in self-help.  You are tryng to buy approval and it isn't working.  Be okay with yourself, you have done your duty and shwn your love as best as you can.  Perhaps your son has abandonment issues about his father. You need time to heal from the verbsl abuse.  I don't know what your punishment for your son was when he misbehaved but spankings were not unusual when I was growing up and discipling my children.  We always fear the outcome of something will not be our choosing.  All you can do is clear your side of the street by saying you were wrong and you did the best you could, that is it.  Good luck

[JSGeare]

I'm glad you stopped by here, Mary Lou, and you're welcome to stay as long as you like. As long as you're here, you might as well JOIN this forum. I'll explain more about that below, but for now, let's have a look at the situation you describe. I'm assuming your 25 year old son is financially independent and NOT living with you. I'm also assuming that -even though you 2 have heap big problems- he is not burdened with a particular psychological pathology (that is, he's not a pathological liar, doesn't steal, start fires, is not heavily into booze or drugs).

Now, let's have a look at some essential points in your material:

...I was a very strict, organized and scheduled kind of mother
...I have spent the last 11 years of my life desperately trying to show
...looking to fix whatever it is that I have caused
...I cannot stop obssessing about my son and granddaughter

ML, I gotta tell you: right or wrong, good or bad and all points in between, your kid is your kid. He is going to be who he is going to be. Your job as a parent WAS to protect him, feed him give him the best educational opportunties you could, set an example of good behavior -etc. That job is over. Whether and how he reponds to you or loves you is entirely at his discretion and has little to do with anything you do now -meaning, you can't make him do or be anything -and there is nothing for you to "fix," because, odd as it may seem, nothing is really broken.

Except your heart, Mary Lou, except your heart. And that's a lot. But it is not his job to fix it, it is yours. You've taken enormous and important first strides by cutting off the gravy train, which no doubt has caused you significant guilt, but it must be done, otherwise you have the dependency still there.

I think therapy is a wonderful idea, and you should continue with it. But the first step, dear woman, is to get YOUR life back. I mean it, set aside your relationship with and access to son and granddaughter right now. Deal with YOUR side of the equation. Obsess? Why obsess? What do his abuse stories bother you? Simply because they are untrue? So what? Suppose they were true, would you feel better, then? You said "perhaps today being wiser I might have chose different options... I did not know anything else." Almost sounds like you are answering an accusation that you messed it all up because you didn't know any better. And yet, you claim to be educated. And this: " I raised my 4 younger siblings.  My husband was the good guy and I was the bad guy.... " Sounds like the difficulties of growing up became transplanted directly into the problems of marriage and parenting.

I'll bet you - I'll just bet you- that you hear a critical voice in what I'm saying, that you see me wagging a finger at you. NOT SO. I'm simply showing you what you have told us. Mary Lou, it is a jumble, layers of confused emotional material which only serve to drive you crazy -which is why you came here!

So the first step -and a step upon which ALL others depend, is to get YOU squared away. And that means loving youself really well while you work with a therapist to understand more about why you are the way you are, and learn -and really believe- that once you've done your best (the best you could at the time) that's all you can do. So, job 1 is to take care of YOU. See to that, starting right NOW.

There is also a forum for Relationships, if you'd like to check in there and see what's what. You are welcome to stay with us, because, while you may not yet have panic or anxiety -as a disorder- you sure as hell have all the ingredients! And many here know exactly what you are going through. And Fuzzy, as you can tell, is usually brimming with good advice. Read what follows for info on how to join:

One of the BEST ways to get the most out of this forum to work is to JOIN it - become a part of it. Its easy -just click the Join Link -enter some profile information about yourself -even a picture if you care to- and anything you think would help us get to know you faster and better, and you can change this material whenever you like. You will also be accessible to receive private messages when other members click the name you've given yourself -sort of a "push to talk" feature. After you've done that, spend some time just using various features of the forum. For example, to see all the posts or responses that someone has made, just click their handle, go to their profile, click Posts, and read to your heart's content. You may also enter search terms -including member names- in the search box at the upper right of your screen and the system will retrun everything matching the term(s) you entered. This INCLUDES a drug database that will give you both user posts about drugs as well as the medical information about the drug. A great way to get quick answers about therapeutic effect, side effects, interactions, etc.

One of the profile categories is your mood, which you may change anytime you like.

Along the right side of your screen is a section of Recent Activity, which not only alerts you to new posts, but new ANYTHING, including journal entries and mood. This is a way to telegraph the community at large without actually creating a separate post. Thus, if you see a friend's mood has changed while you are working on a response or post, it can alert you to send them a private message to learn more or simply let them know you're thinking of them. Likewise, if you are going to be "out," you could enter something like "off line for the night" as your mood, and people would know you're away from the forum for awhile.

If you do this kind of exploring and experimenting right away, you'll be up-to-speed quickly. If you see the message you are reading now as part of a direct response I (or anyone) has made to one of your posts, it was probably copied and pasted from this journal. I hate form letters and auto-responses as much as anyone -but I also hate forgetting to tell people what they need to know, so this is my safety-net. Consider it as part of your "Welcome" kit. So -please join and try things out.

You might also want to read my entries for the "Right Click Trick" and "When in Haste, Use Copy 'n Paste" for some other convenient time-savers.

We're glad you are here!

[jo929]

i have raised 3 children by myself never had a good paying job, but one thing you say,seems to say something to me you said and i quote my son never went without anything)maybe you gave him to much and it seems he is still holding his hand out. i see no reson for a mother to feel like you do when she has done all she can do i raised my children strict  my children did not get even sometimes what they needed as i had to buy rummage sale clothes for us on my salary we could not afford to much but i did not and would not today put up with any verbal abuse from them and they know this also i taught them to respect their elders i know that you will probably get upset with me for saying this but maybe he had things to easy my children all worked for their lunch at school and also in summer for thei school clothes if they wanted new ones my children-knew. that this was the best i could provide sometime a mother of one or even more thinks that they should just hand over what kids want i do not beleive that way i feel like i did the best i could and we were lucky to have food on the table and i was thankful for what we had if i were you i would not let him see it bothered me it seems like that is the way he gets his kicks so to speak and the girlfreind or-wife whatever if she said one word out off the way she would not be-there at all i cant see why you put up with this kind of treatment you need more respect for your self you seem to be a wonderful  caring person and the longer you let them step on you the more they are going to just tell them the free ride is over dont brood dont look back and maybe in time he will see what his mom has done but whether he does or not are you going to let this ruin your life it will if you keep looking back look forward and say i have done the best i know how and as of today i am taking control of my life if you cant say anything good to say go home and dont let him have any more money he has you on some kind of guilt trip i spanked my kids i took the phone privilage away i would not let them visit their freinds if they did not mind your son is grown let him go  when he gets older he will be sorry and if he isnt just remember it is his life now and not yours and you can not lead it for him dont interfere back away  i dont want you to think i am unfeeling  i know that you love hime but working in the medical feild i have seen a lot heard a lot i am a lot older than you but plese dont let him ruin your life. i can see in your post you dont want to let go and obsession is really a bad thing if you see you cant go forward by all means go to group therapy it seems you are letting him take control you say you are well edcucated then see what he is trying to do by leting his whatever yell at you either you put up with it or you dont i hope that he will see things right but if you dont quit thinking about him thinga are not going to get better          i wish you lots of luck and i hope you do not take offense at my comments just my feelins on the subject    jo

[jo929]

are you still watching this column i have not seen any posts from you please let us know how you are   luck  jo

[SCIFISAM]

Hi I feel for you.I'm a man.I got together with my childhood sweetheart aftermany many years.She was married and had been married twice before.Anyway she had a 5 year old son.They came as a package of course.Over the ensuing years the son hated me.I guess because he thought it was my fault his dad left and he was right.Eventually after 15 years he became an adult and we are now good friends.He matured very well and I have learned much more than I ever expected.So my advice to you is don't worry about it.You will allways be his mom and even though it may not seem like he loves you he really does and things will get better between you.It's a sure thing .It just takes time.

[Rejected]

I'm 66.  My son just turned 40.  I took him away from an abusive first marriage when he was two.  We were lucky, because I met and fell in love with a man who fell in love with both me and my son.  We married when my son was three. I became a stay-at-home wife and a full-time mother.  We devoted our lives to making my son (the only child we would ever have) happy.  Wanting him always to feel important, we'd let him pick where we'd vacation.  We gave him our beautiful car (two years old) to make sure he'd be in a reliable vehicle.  We bought a new car for ourselves.  One school day, son washed his car and, without asking, took our brand new car to school; because it was raining, and he didn't want HIS car to get dirty and wet.  He smashed our new car to smithereens.  

Then, after our car was repaired, he skidded on wet grass and drove his car into the building where he worked.  Then he ran off.  My husband (his loving stepfather) paid the costs out of pocket due to just having to claim the accident with our car on our insurance.  

Due to the fact that son absolutely refused to take on any chores all the while he was growing up, there were loud arguments about his attitude.  Finally we stopped asking him, realizing it would just lead to more fighting.  

I'd clean his room, only to find he trashed it.............again.  

When the college years came, he became even mouthier, telling us he didn't have to take "this f-ing ****."  He chose an expensive college, and we paid for it.  We couldn't figure out what it was he felt he was "taking".......besides our love and generosity, which certainly didn't appear to him something for which to be grateful and respectful.  

He'd take off on a Friday night, not telling us where he'd be and not show up until the following Monday, causing us to be frantic with worry.  When we approached him about it, he refused to discuss it.  Refusing to discuss anything has been the pattern.  He hates confrontation and refuses to deal with it.  We're supposed to pretend it didn't happen, put it in the past and leave it there.............without solutions.

He finally met the girl he'd marry.  Wanting to give them a better honeymoon than they could afford, we surprised them with a week in San Francisco (we live on the east coast), plus gave them $1,000 in spending money.  THAT was their SHOWER gift.  The wedding gift we gave them made the $1,000 shower gift pale in comparison.  No, we're not wealthy...........just lead with our hearts even if it hurts our wallets.

They bought a house and wanted to borrow $1,500.  We agreed, with the promise they'd pay it back.  Son made small payments for a couple of months and then proceeded to continue buying himself extravagant luxuries and not making any attempt to pay any more of the money back.  I approached him about it.  He decided that, since his new home had central AC, and he had a wall unit AC in mint condition, he'd give us the AC to pay off the remainder of his loan, since we needed one.  We didn't feel it was a fair exchange, but we accepted it.

Son started eliminating certain holidays that had always been tradition with our family.  Telling him how hurt I was didn't serve to change his mind.  Yet when I tried to change a family tradition I didn't care for, he "reprimanded" me in a way that let me know things would be worse if we didn't respect what HE wanted.

He and his wife decided they wanted no children.  They became heavily involved in sports.  The few visits we get were obviously obligatory on their part, which made us feel like we were walking on egg shells.  When they did visit, they took over the remote, called their friends on the phone or busied themselves with their sports equipment rather than sit and visit with us.  If we dared to say anything about it, son claimed we're always looking for an argument.

Son and his wife just turned 40.  We threw a big party which ultimately ended up costing us $2,500.  They sent us an obligatory thank-you note and a floral arrangement to say thank you.  

This past Mother's Day he asked what I'd like to do.  I got about two hours of the day I requested before we found ourselves being left to walk 25 steps behind them, as they perused all the shops that interested THEM and ended up eating in a restaurant of THEIR choice.  No, they didn't pay for our dinner.

Son called the Thursday before Father's Day to ask "dad" what he'd like to do.  Dad requested a small trip but told son he realized that son also has a father-in-law to consider, so son should get back to him about the plans.  Friday son calls to ask questions about a problem he was having........mentions nothing about Father's Day.  Saturday dad calls to ask what's going on with the plans..........leaves a message, son and his wife are not home.  By Sunday morning (Father's Day), we still had heard nothing so decided to get dressed and just do our own thing.  Phone rings and daughter-in-law says "Dad called yesterday and left a message, so I'm returning his call."  Not a word about Father's Day.  By that time we had enough, so my husband and I laced into them about being thoughtless.  Things got louder and louder until son finally said, "Do you want to argue or do you want to go?!?!"  At that point, my husband said he wouldn't be able to put himself in the mood to enjoy any kind of day with them.  Everyone hung up.  

We've not seen son or his wife since May (Mother's Day).  There's been no communication.  We know this is son's way of ending any relationship we had.  

I cannot call him, because my logic (which I usually cast aside because my love for him takes over) tells me I'll just be enabling him to carry on with the emotional abuse he causes us.  If I don't call him, I realize I've lost my only child.  So I sit as piece-by-piece I die a little each day, swollen-eyed from crying.  

How can he recall the past and come up with anything resembling a bad upbringing?  My husband and I went without so many things.  We sacrificed ourselves in order never to sacrifice HIM.  I've prayed, but my prayers seem to go unanswered.  So, here I sit mourning a son who's still alive but has gone out of our lives as surely as if his life had been taken.  How is it possible to have given so much of yourself to a person and yet have failed so miserably?   I'm so very, very sad.

[primetime21]

wow iam very sorry for the way you've been treated. But u should realize that its not you to blame. If you believe that you did the best you could then thats all there is to it. And remeember that family is not the only form of socialization a person gets. There are many secondary peer groups that shape a person through their life time and the person being socialized chooses the best percpective of the world for them. What i really think is that hes just spoiled, with love and money and is very selfish probably from being an only child. He has taken what u gave him for granted, but i think that the universe will balance itself out and you jsut gotta be patient.

[Rejected]

Thank you for your response.  There still has been no communication.  I continue to mourn, and I'm sure he's too busy having fun to give me or my husband a second thought.  As for patience, I've come to the conclusion that a situation like this can destroy a mother whose whole life has been dedicated to making sure her son never had to question how much he was loved and wanted.  My husband and I thought we were demonstrating that we did things for him because that's what you do for those you love.  You GIVE all the love and help you can.  But that doesn't seem to be what son learned at all.  Instead of learning the traits of giving and loving from us, he appears to have focused on the RECEIVING part.  I honestly always believed that it's okay to give a child "stuff," as long as you nurture that child with an abundance of love and understanding, also.  We've ALWAYS been there for him, through thick and thin.  How he can cast aside the two people who loved him most in the world and did the most for him is something I'll never understand.   My husband loved him and did more for him than many biological fathers do.  He didn't HAVE to take on this responsibility, but he did because of his love for both my son and me.  I can't begin to tell you how hurt he is.
I hope you're right about the universe balancing itself out.  I hope I live to see it.

Rejected

[peggy64]

It seems the better you are to the kids, the worse they treat you. The worse you treat them, the better they are to you.

Gotta have God in the picture. Can't please everyone, have to do what is right. That is so hard as parents because we want to please our kids and give them so much, but that is not good for them. As these examples prove.

[peggy64]

I just had another thought, you can not have a relationship with someone, just because you want to. They have to want to as well. Until he comes to this point, try to find some kind of outlet to help ease the pain.

I am so sorry you are having to have this kind of pain. But you will come out stronger....if you believe.

[Rejected]

Thank you, peggy.  My son has always been my heart, no matter how old he gets.  I have no idea what fills in the void once your heart is trampled on by your own flesh and blood.

[peggy64]

I can't imagine the pain you are feeling, but do you think your son has put his life on hold? do you think he is miserable?  Is is sitting around somewhere writing about how miserable he is without you? I don't say that to upset you but to get you to see the truth in this, for your own health. This kind of ongoing emtional upset will cause you physical harm and then when he does come back, you won't be able to enjoy the restored relationship because of emotional induced illness.

I only say this because I hope an pray wellness and wholeness for you.

I heard someone say that when these things happen we have to go on. Give yourself a time line to grieve in and then try to begin living again. It sounds like this is something that might help in your situation.

[lonewolf07]

I have been estranged from my younger daughter for six or seven years. I has been agonizing because I know I have no control over what she does.

However, I did find a website for parents of estranged adult children.  It's good website and they seem to manage to keep the lurker and phoneys out.  If anyone wants the contact information, please just ask.  It has helped me hang onto my sanity.

[Rejected]

Knowing my son, there's no way he's put his life on hold or is thinking about how miserable he is without me.  He's much too self-centered to waste time missing me or my husband.  If he were that miserable, he wouldn't allow this to continue.  I've always given in, but I can't let that happen again, no matter how miserable I may feel.  I'm trying, peggy.  I'm really trying.  It's still a very open wound.  I'm hoping and praying time will close the wound and allow it to heal..........with or without my son in my life.

[Rejected]

I feel your pain, lonewolf.  I, for one, would like you to post a link to the website for parents of estranged children.  Thank you.

[cmarie112]

I am so sorry that you are all going through this most horrible type of rejection. But I am so glad to have found this site where others will undertand my heartache. I have been going through this for many years....and I thought I was all alone.  I thought this was so awful that surely no other mother could possibly be going through what I am going through. I have heard many stories about sons and daughters who mistreat their parents, which is bad enough. But I never hear about any, like mine and some others on this board, where grown children just completely cut their parents out of their lives, literally disown them, without any ligitimate reason at all. I do know that we live in a generation that has an extreme sense of entitlement and very little, if any, respect, honor, or character. But, even so, it seems that even mothers who weren't the best to their kids, even mothers who abused and abandoned still have some sort of relationship with them when they are grown. I see this all of the time.  I can't bare the shame of telling anyone that two of my adult children have not spoken to me in several years, and that I have never even seen my grandchildren.  Anybody who hears this would have to believe that I was a horrible mother and that now I am getting my just punishment. Truly, there is no other logical explanation.  I myself would draw that conclusion if I heard my own story. From the bottom of my heart I wish this were the case, because then at least I would understand, it would actually make some sense. I am not perfect, but I was totally devoted to my children. I expressed love to them continually, spent time with them, helped them learn and grow, always knew where they were and was available to them, did all that I could to give them a happy and enjoyable childhood, and lived my life morraly before them. I felt blessed to be a mother and took the responsibility of shaping the lives that were entrusted to me very seriously. Unfortunatley, I could only do my part, and could not replace their father who was emotionally absent from both me and our children. For over 30 years I  thought I was doing the right thing by sacrificing my own happiness in a loveless marriage and trying to stay together for their sake. We made it until they were grown and then divorced. I wonder now if it was the wrong decision to try and keep an unhappy marriage together, and if this set the stage for what was to come.  I have grieved the death of loved ones, parents, a husband, and others. This rejection from my grown children is a grief just as painful as a death, except it never ends because my sons are very much alive and apparently happily living their lives, and the "death" that I grieve is their relationship to me. I have asked God, is there a lesson I need to learn from this so that it can end, is there a work You want me to do so some good can come out of this, but no answers have come.  I am a Christian and I do trust God and I know there is a purpose in everything.  I just wish I could find a way to live again unshackled by this heartache. I hate thinking that I will live the rest of my days in this dark and dreary prison that has become my secret life.  I dread Mother's Day year after year after year, hearing others talking about their grandchildren and hiding the fact that I have two grandchildren but have never seen them.  I can't forget the beautiful innocent babies that I rocked to sleep and sang lullubys to. I can't forget the little boys who climbed into my lap, held onto my hand as if I was their whole world, and told me how much they loved me. I know children grow up and venture out into their own lives and we become less important. But how can my sons forget all about me and put me so completely out of their lives this easily?

[peggy64]

Cmarie, your words, your sorrow, your pain,

My prayers are with you that God will sustain you and give you His grace and mercy to endure........

My prayers are with your sons, that they will have their eyes opened to the truth and make amends with you, while there is still time. Both for your sake as well as for their own.

[excursion47]

I have trouble with my 17 year old son hating me because he says I play favorites and give his older brother (23) everything and him nothing. His brother of course does the right thing, good grades, college, very respectful, never in trouble, works, helps whenever I ask and earned rewards accordingly, like a car for graduation and insurance, a phone, computer, etc. He of course is not perfect but I feel, has earned everything he has gotten. My 17 year old however is ALWAYS fighting the system, hating the rules everywhere, in trouble with police, hated school and has wanted his own way all his life. He disrespects me and says he doesn't care if he lives or dies, he wont be around long anyway, is very impulsive because of adhd, gets in trouble at school, crashed  my truck twice, swears and smokes at school, etc. and tries all the time to hurt me with his words. Because of this he does not drive anymore or have a phone. I understand all children are different and have different intelligent levels but you can't give one who breaks the rules the same as one who follows the rules, it wouldn't be fair to the one who follows the rules would it? His father pasted away 5 years ago and I believe this is a lot of the problem but he has always been strong willed, rebelious and wanted his own way. As mothers we rack our brains 24/7 trying to solve the problems we have with our children and reading all the problems everyone here are having makes me realize that I and maybe you  need to  make the first move for our sanity and try to make an appointment with them, at their convenience,  sit them down and ask them how we can make this situation between us better. I will tell him I am sorry for whatever I have done but I want a truce and I want to start over and I love him and ask him what would need to be done to make us have a relationship again. Hopefully I can calmly talk to him and find out what in the heck is wrong with us and what we can do to make it better. I am a christian and I have God in my life but I am tired of sitting around feeling bad when I have done the best I can. I dont want to be sad about this the rest of my life. I have two sons and one is fine so I must have done something right. Hopefully  we can come up with an answer. Seeya  Heidi

[autum]

I do feel your pain, because im going through the same thing almost, except its the other way around..  My mother is doing the same to me...  Im 24, married with one son of my own, 2 stepkids (mykids), and a wonderful life with my family..  but my mother will have nothing to do with me.   I had my son when I was 17 and once me and his father broke up, mymother got with my son's dad's father ( my son's grandpa) which is sick, but I dont have anything to do with it..  well after that we lost our house my mother and I got and my son's father went to jail for his stupidity...  so my mother and her b/f went and lived in an RV, with no place for me to go.. ( we lost our house because my mother couldnt afford her sorry b/f and bills, plus took my money when I worked, and my childsupport at the time) anyways I went and lived w/ my grandparents where I became a better person... since I dropped out of school, I went and got my GED, went to college, and got a job..   anyways to make a long story short... its been 5 yrs...and anytime I go to court...my mother is on their side...  well its gotten worse... she is manipulating my son by tellin him lies (he is 7) saying its my fault for anything that is wrong...   also she still doesnt want anything to do with me...  so all I can suggest is take a day at a time...  its really hard...  and there isnt anything we can do...  but wait ...  which is hard...  also therapy is good too...  
I hope everything works out!  

Autum

[Kell1948]

Hello, I feel for you. Your story is exactly like mine. But mine just started (or so I thought) just a few days ago. My son is 22 and still living at home. He quit school and has had several dead-end jobs for the past year, going out with his friends and not seeing him for 2-3 days. We informed him the other day that he has 30 days to move out and the financial help stops now. He responded with a 3-page letter telling us what horrible parents we were and how we "forced" him to go to summer school, take swimming lessons, etc. etc. in order to get him away from us. Of course, this letter was filled with dozens of curse words. The letter was completely about him and convenetly left out all the good things that has happened in his life. I have always lived my life for him. I was older when I had him and he was really a miracle baby. I have racked my brain about what we did wrong and I can only come up with, we both worked full time and his grandmother took care of him every day. I have been crying every night and I tell myself that I shouldn't feel guilty and I have to just leave him alone and maybe someday he will come to the realization that we weren't so bad after all.  I hope things have improved for you and I hope they do for me also.  Please take care and write to me if you'd like.

[toejam_muncher]

well i think everyone has said what can be said. i find it interesting you came to this particular forum. i believe all the things you've said. it's only one side of a very complex situation, though. i don't say that to be rude...but what i'm getting at is my mom and brother are in the same situation. he completely disrespects her and always has. i think he hates her. yet, he'll always go to her first for money. fortunately for my mom she has 2 other kids who do care a lot about her...which is myself and my sister. my point is that while my whole immediate family knows that my brother is "different"...and my mom is fully aware of it...it's possible that if i were ever to get my brother to actually talk about why he is the way he is...he may give me an entirely different perspective, even though his behavior still couldn't be considered acceptable. i won't give you my whole story...it would be a novel....but i will say you aren't alone. my brother really isn't my brother anymore to me...and i can only imagine how things must be for my mom. the only solution we ever came up with is to simply let him be him. now that he's older, i think he's finally starting to see the consequences of how he's treated others. he hasn't seen his family in over 3 years. this is not the solution you want, and i know that. you want to make everything better. we have never found a way to do that...and my family has tried. i don't know how similar your situation is, but i do know we've had to simply move on. sometimes the best thing for us as humans is simply to appreciate the relationships that we actually have and build on those rather than dwell on relationships that don't exist or can not be repaired.  again i don't know the entire situation and i wouldn't tell you to give up...but i am saying that you can't force something like that to work right.

in any event...i don't know that anything i've said has been of help, but i do wish you the best of luck. if you can't fix what you are wanting to fix...the best thing to do is not to let it consume you. you have to eventually let it go otherwise you can't be happy. and it's a good idea to keep seeing a psych. hope you find a solution to your problem.

[Darlean]

maybe you all can help me?
I think that I can handle this world for about 1 more week.
I lost my 2nd son when I divorced my 1st husband... I understood.. .he thought he was going with the money... he was always looking out for himself and needed the best... NO Biggie...
I lost my daughter 6 years ago... she did not like my house rules... she called the police on me twice claiming abuse... (No Way)... the 3rd time was the charm... I was handcuffed.. fingerprinted... and jailed for 49 hours...  NOT guilty... It cost me $5,000 to be proved innocent before a judge.  The night she sent me to jail... she told my neighbor 2 things... 1) I hope she finds a girfriend in there... 2) I have her credit cards and I am going shopping....

Now I have lost my 31 year old son... he is a Dr.   and Yes... I put him through school...  

Here is what happened... and I want anyone out there to chastize me... I know I did wrong...

I was asked to babysit my 2/2month year old grandchild for the 2nd time in her life...  (I am the B grandparent)...  my son's in-laws are wealthy... and I am not...  I am the Black Sheep in his life...  (yet I was good enough to raise him)

Anyway... as I was sitting... the phone rang... I looked for paper... I saw one in the basket by the phone... as I turned it over to see if it was OK to write on...I noticed it was a reciept from the Goodwill... I was shooked...

GoodWill!!!... as I read the list it seemed familiar...  IT was a list of everything I had given my son, his wife, and my grand-daughter for Xmas 2 weeks ago...  WOW!

2 weeks ago it got to me... I called my son and said first... I am embarassed that I saw the list.. I was not snooping...  but I was hurt... what is the deal?  

At first he acted like he had no idea... and we ended the call...

2 minutes later he called me back and this is what he said...

"I dare you... no I ******* dare you... call me at this hour (9:10PM), my child was asleep, my wife... no, my pregnant wife was asleep...  Don't ever call this number again... I never want to see you again...

And your grand-daughter... you will never see her again... and Your grand-daughter to be born... You will never lay eyes on her...

AND... when you die...NONE of your kids will be at your funeral... because WE all HATE you...

and he hung up...

2 weeks and 2 days...

WHAT DO I DO???????????

[marymagdeline]

Are you aware that you always marry what is familiar?  You married your alcholic husband because one of your parents was an alcholic.  If you weren't raised with an alcholic, when you were dating your husband you would have said, "I'm outta here."  but you were desensitized to that kind of behavior because you were raised with it.  Everyone on the plantet marry's what is familiar.  Your son married a controling wife because YOU were controling.  He was desensitized to controling behavior.  That's why, when his girlfriend started controling him, it didn't feel strange to him.  He didn't say, "I'm not putting up with that."  So, now you can't stand his wife because she's controling.  Yet, it's your fault in the first place that he married someone like her.  Also, your son was raised with a controling mother and an alcholic father.  He is going to have some serious emotional problems as a result.  None of which are his fault.  You need to make peace with his wife whatever the cost.  You will never have a good relationship with your son until he sees you being kind and loving to his wife.  When your ready to have your son back in your life, your going to need to humble yourself and go to his wife and apologize for anything and everything you ever said or did to hurt her.  And DO NOT bring up anything SHE did.  Make it all about you, not her.  And stop trying to control your son.  Your still doing it because you said you cut him off from all money from you.  That's how your controling him.  You must stop it!  When he does anything that you don't approve of, you need to tell him in a loving way, but not give him advice.  He's a grown man.  He needs your support and your encouragment and your sympathy.  He and his wife DO NOT want/need your advice.  So, if he does something you don't like and he tells you, all you should say is, "Honey, I don't approve of that and you know it.  But I love you and I'll always be here for you no matter what you do."  Not, "If you do that I'll stop giving you money."  Or, "I think that's wrong.  You should do this instead."  Remember, everything in the world responds to love.  Plants, animals, and especially people.  

[marymagdeline]

I think I can help you.  Not only is my husband a psychologist, but we went through something very simular when we were young.  (I'm am now 47)  I was the very, very, controlling girl friend who lived with him (I am no longer controlling at all), his mother hated me (he was her only son) and she too was married to an alcholic, but at that time divorced from him, and a very controlling woman herself.  And my husband (who was my live-in boyfriend at the time) became totally estranged from his mom for 5 years.  Feel free to write to me hon, I think I can help you.

[forshesoloved]

I sorry for your situation.  I'm 44 yrs old and I have a 22 yr old son who today told me to leave him alone and that I'm a liar.  He's my only son and like you I try to give him everything w/thin my power.  As I grew up w/ an abusive and controlling mother I try to be different w/ my son.  Only it came back to slap me in the face.  My mother I believe uses him to either continue to control me or to just use him against me.  Either way after reading these posts I understand that I need to let go and let it be.  I know I was a good mother, I never let a day end w/out telling him I loved him.  I was there for whatever he needed.  I can't figure out what I did wrong, but I do realize I gave him too much w/out having to work for it and he took advantage.  I will not give him anymore of my life.  Enough, it's sad for him that he will miss out on what a really great person I am.  I believe that I really didn't do anything wrong but just love him too much, if that's a bad thing.  I refuse to give into his game and manipulations.  I pray for him that God takes care of him.  But I refuse to enter into any guilt trips my mother already did that job when I was youger and it took me a while to learn to love myself I won't be brought down again.  I believe certain people in our lives mistake our love for them as a weakness and try to use it against us by making us feel guilty.  Don't give in, give love but not at the expense of your own.l  It's time you were loved for who you are and for the love you have given to them.  Don't be controlled, even if it's the person that you most love, your own child.

[RCBenny]

Thanks for this website. I dont know if I am ready to post my story but will say that the comment about "I have no idea what fills in the void once your heart is trampled on by your own flesh and blood." really hit home. I could not have described my feelings any better than that. I am a single father of an adopted boy. Not flesh and blood but I loved him the same. Anyway the comments/suggestions have helped me some. I will try to use some of the help. Maybe some day soon I will be ready to post my story. Believe me it is a good one.

[Nvinyasa]

I know xactly how you feel. I to am the mother of a foul mouth 27yr old son,with no job,he's angry all the time,has tantrums such as hitting himmself in the head when i won't give into what ever it is he wants. My husband doesn't want to hear anything about the older kids when he gets from work,so i have to act as if nothings wrong in order to keep the piece,for everyone younger in the house hold. I have no idea what happened with my son after he turned 18.The only medical problem is asthma since birth.Good boy growing up,needed very few *** whippens during his baby to addult years.Was a good kid,smart,still smart,but for somereason has turned on me, "yes my 1st born son" who is a gemini.He doesn't have anywhere to stay so i let him stay on the couch with a few simple rules which he agreed to. Soon as his dad leaves for work hear comes dr.jeckyll & hide. He likes you to listen to him but he doesn't want to listen to you,everything he says is right,everything i say is wrong. Mothers can tell when their child is lying"well, my 27 yr old gets mad when i tell him he's lying,i tell him when he tries the reverse psycology **** on me,then he tries the boys in the hood ****,never had a dad,lived on his own,got *** whippens 24/7,never gave him no money for school,all kinds of crazy bull **** he tries to get his girlfriend to believe. I have now just stopped talking to him because it was creating lots of anger & tension on my end since i have no-one to talk to.Moms for some reason ALLWAYS,ALLWAYS gets the blame for their adult mistakes they choose to make. I have also stopped saying anything to my 2 yr old granddaughter,"as my son & his girlfriend/wife to be has now requested that me"the grandmother"aka"mamasita sounds better for me,lol" I & the aunt & uncles can't tell my granddaughter! No don't tell me to shut up- we must ignore the 2 yr old so she'll stop saying shut-up. I can't tell her to hold the railing while walking down the stairs, because she allready nows how to waalk down the steps without holding on. Any automatic grandmother responces that come from my mouth"as taught to me by my mom" are now all wrong,although i raised all 5 of my kids the way i was bought up. Both my parents & brother are dead,so i am left with no family to talk to. My husband is the one with the huge family,but i can't talk to them about my husband/their baby brother. So i have decided to take my 2 remaining children who are still school aged 11 & 14 and move out of the home to somewhere quiet & a place where my kids caan have friends & attend a good school. My present home can continued to be occupied by my husband,and 3 older sons,i'll just take the last 2 untill they graduate.This saying is true" the more you love your kids the more they hurt you".Now my answer to him is allways no,no,no,no,but honestly as a mother i just can't sit by and watch his life get worse, so i wanna move.out of site out of mind,so to speak.can't turn back the clock,can't put him back in the womb,no more redo's,it's his life,and his soul,but i can't watch it happen as he is and allways will be my 1st born son. I have Number 1,2,3,4,sons & my 1 and only daughter who is the baby/youngest in my family,but for my sanity it's best for me to get the hell out of hear.just tryn to figure out how,and where to start as i'm 45 yrs old and have allways been a homemaker.I'll figure it out i guess.I would rather leave than end up killing my 1st  born son,and that's the way he's been tryn to push all the correct buttons to **** me off,so i stay in my room only comming out to cook for the younger 2 & wash their clothes,and sit on front porch. He has no problem asking for money,but gets mad when i say no,and it took me a long time before i could start telling my oldest son,NO! but finally i can.

[kathy434]

My older son truly wanted to be an only child.  I did not know this.  I gave him a brother because should I die, they would have each other.  They are friends with each other, but not tight like I had hoped they would be.  The older son has never met his baby nephew, eventhough they don't live far apart.  I am appalled by his behavior and attitude.  I am well aware, though it has never been mentioned, that my younger son is hurt by this.

We did not give our children everything they wanted.  We took care of the things that they needed in life.  I did the best I possibly could to show my children how much I loved and cared about them.  When my older son made a statement about something in his childhood that was very hard on him, I was aware that I should have done some things differently.  But it happened.  All I was able to answer to him was, "Yes, I can see this was very hard for you then.  I am sorry.  I should have done things differently.  There were a lot of things I should have done differently, but I did the best I could do with what I had to work with at that time."  I know that always, my children's health and welfare were my number one concern.  I did everything I could to give them happiness in their childhoods.  But I always knew the older child needed "something" that I just could never accomplish to give him, that brought him that happiness.  I still don't know what it is.  Our children are all grown, educated, and into careers of their choice and doing well.  This was our goals for them.  But then it was our job to cut the apron strings and set our butterflies free.  I love my children very much and I do everything I can to visit them, be it in their living areas, or meeting them on their travels for a day or so.  I email them, and call them and they do the same in return.
But I knew it was a risk, that I could lose my children once they moved on with their own busy lives.  I don't make any demands on them and I would never attack their wives like some mother in laws are guilty of.  I love and greatly miss the grandchildren, being that my husband refuses to move.  I am missing out on their lives, and the plan my husband had once promised me but broke.
I could sit around and obsess about this all the time.  But what good would this do me?  I still have a life to live.  I just am shifting my gears to a new stage in life.  It is time to travel, to persue my own hobbies and interests and get involved in the community and in meeting and making new friends.
When I read how you gave your son all this money, you may believe it was the way to show your love and caring for your son.  But maybe he interpeted the money given to him as more like you don't think he is capable of providing for himself, and feels indignant that he is still treated like a child.  You have had trouble cutting those apron strings and setting your butterfly free.  So he ran away, angry.  He needed to face consequenses for his accident.  He needed to have to work to afford his first car.  He needed to face consequences for neglecting his home chores, breaking curfew, for leaving the scene of the accident.  He needed to have his butt kicked by the law and by you both.  He needed to clean up his own messes.  When you take away those consequences by helping him instead, he probably got the message you didn't have confidence in his ability to take care of things himself.  Respect is something earned, not demanded or assumed it is owed to you just because society says it.  Your son's behavior is his only way he knows of telling you something was always wrong.  He doesn't know how to say it, maybe he doesn't even know what is bothering him.  
I am not saying in the least that you and your husband have been poor parents.  Overindulging, yes.  But you too were doing the very best you knew how with all you had to work with at that time.  He indeed was loved !!!
It is time for you to shift your gears into a new stage of your lives.  Concentrate on you both doing things you enjoy, and being active in your  community, church, or Organizations.  Broaden your lives by meeting new people and living your lives with quality and happiness.  I am not saying to forget your son.  I am saying that you both need to live your lives in a new direction, for you to enjoy happiness.  Allow your son his freedom to live his own life.  When he feels he is truly free, he may come back to you.  You can't smother him anymore.  He is grown and an adult.  One day he will realize it, lose that anger with maturity, and maybe return.  But if he doesn't , you and your husband have moved ahead with your lives and are living your days to their fullest and most rewarding for you now.  You now enjoy each other and expand your lives to include others, on their own terms.  You can write him letters about all the new things, people, and places you are going & nothing about how you miss him and want him back.  Give him his space.  But keep an avenue of communications open and undemanding, and unguilt provoking.  Let him come to you on his own terms. I wish you all well and lots of happiness in your new vertures in life.   Kathy

[milton44]

Sorry to hear you did your best and your child doesn't deem it good enough.

My son is the same- 17, 18 in 7 weeks after his birthday I will tell him to leave. He's rude, argumentative and lazy and disrespectful non stop.

[paxxto]

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AbuseRejected: You are a great mom!
Sent by paxxto less than a minute ago
Dear Rejected,

I like what you write to people on this blog.  You seem to have a loving way not only to your son but to others.  I want to share my story so you see that even if we feel ours sons have died even if they are wandering wreaklessly in the world, there are things we can do to aliviate the pain and move somewhat forward.

Here is my story:

Tonight I just walked my son off my life after an incident last nite when he became violent and throw me against furniture.  I called 911 and police came and handcuffed him (a vision that will follow me the rest of my life).

Just as you say you love your son, I adore my son and now that he is gone I have to love him more.  This is not the first time I lose a child.  I lost my little baby girl prior to my son coming to this world.  Therefore, I consider him my miracle baby.  Left his father and my home in a 911 call because his father was very abusive.  At the time I had a very successful career that I had since I was 19 y/old and that literally stopped so I could completely dedicate my life to help my son live a good life.  Never remarried because it took me years to erase the bad taste of such abusive relationship.  I was a good example for my son.  Don't smoke, nor drink, nor drugs nor even fooling around (boring ha?) but I loved being that way!  I discipline without yelling at him or putting him down.

I gained custody after my son was 1 y/old but he continued to see his father every weekend. Very much like you I had a mother who was extremely abusive.  I promised to God when I became a mom I would not even raise a hand to my kids, nor yell at them, put them down.  Instead I promise to love him, tell him what huge miracle he is in my life, and send him to the world with a great outlook of live.  Sometimes I gave him lots but sometimes I did not.  And I did the same for his friends when they come over all the time.

Most times I was extremely supportive, went to all of his bktball games, celebrated school awards ceremonies (He was an A+ honor student prior to quiting college.)  I read to him every nite and we talked even if I was exhausted, in spite I worked three jobs  - 2 from home)  He saw me teaching Art Classes in our home to kids his age all the time.  I exposed him to people like me, no vices at all, very simple up-bringing.  Taught him to love himself and others and to do something for those less fortunate. He saw me volunteering, helping world causes, etc.

Now he is on his path to self destruction.  His first year of college he started destroying what me, I as a single mom spend so long to build for him.  He came back home this summer after losing it all.  He said he needed a place to crash until he gets back on his feet and that in 6 months he would go back to college.  (He got a grant to covered college fully)  

He showed to me he was responsible with his job and even returned to his girlfriend from highschool who I also love very much.  Yet, in these past three months he's become agresive, he appears to be entitled to everything whether is his or not.  His vocabulary has changed to no common words, just cussing.

When we had the incident, and the police talked to him, the cop came back inside the house and said to me: "Your son needs to go to jail.  He does not know boundaries, he feels entitlement and have nothing but hatred towards you.  He said he wouldn't mind if you were dead. "

It is so hard to hear that from someone who is trying to help.  The cop continued: " He is so into himself, he's cold, calculating and extremelly manipulative.  He has not respect for authorithy at all.  You need to press charges.   If you don't we have to walk him off your home tonight."

Of course I did not press charges because I knew he had a job interview the next morning to a better job and with a jail record he would not get it.  Yet, I had to stopped myself from crying and decided to send him out of home with no money, no food and no place to live.

I've been crying ever since.  I cannot sleep, not eat, nor even think rationally, yet, I decided to come into the blog and check and share with other parents why I feel.  If I could not be helped at least I could help someone else with my story.  It has been hard because I have noone in this world.  The only family I have lives in another country and we are not in touch.  I have few friends but unless they are going through the same thing they preferred to walk away because it's all too depressing or they do not know what to say.

I guess I do not feel guilty, I feel horribly sad!!!  I have once again lost another child, although this time not to God but to the world of self destruction.  So I pray that he is well.  I pray that he eats.  I pray he turns his life around and goes back to college.  I pray that he will continue with his girlfriend who is such good girl.  I pray that life will give him opportunities to succeed.  And although I would love him to call me and say I'm sorry and I miss you mom, I know that is not realistic, and would not happen anytime soon.

So I have to go on with my life as I did when I lost my little girl.  With a giant hole inside me that cannot be filled again.  I just have to remember all the great things we shared.  Same with my son.  I have to believe that what I did for him he will use to have a life of decency and love for others whether he comes back to me or not.

I will sorround myself with memories of what we shared with laughts and love; the times we play basketball and drove together to the gym; the times that he said he needed to talk to me and I just listened without judgement.

And I do not think he is a bad man or a mean person. He is just a lost soul in a limbo with no way out at this moment.  

Well, Rejected, wherever you are today... just remember you were and continue to be a good mom even if your kids are not there physically.  As good moms we are, we just pray, wait for a miracle but keep busy with so much to do in this world and so many others that would need us as much.  

Maybe God made us moms so that one day our sons during a turning point in their lives remember what we did so they can straight their lives up easily.  Do not give up though, because if we give up we might never know if they decide to come back one day with love and care.  We can only dream that what we did for them will pay off with their return that they made it in their lives.

Still Rejected, it is so hard to lose them, ins't it?  There are not enough daily tears, not enough sorrows or moments of dispair because what we do not know about them anymore.  Yet, let's concentrate on the joys we gave them once, and the times we held them close to our chest so they would not be scared.  

Let's God take care of them and we take care of ourselves to be prepare just in case they come back.  God bless you Rejected for your writing.  You made me stopped crying to read your blog and join to write this message to you!  So thank you for helping stop crying even for the duration that took to write my email to you!

[PoorMom46]

All these sad stories about real lives and how your blood would treat you after raising them, sacrificing for them, loving them.  I've seen this hatred too, my brother hates our mother.  He loathes each word she says, everything she does.  She was not a great mom when we were growing up, but she was young, that doesn't excuse it neither, but she did her best to raise her young family along with dad.  They worked to provide us a good home and a good life.
Our dad passed away when he was 55, and my brother continued to live with mom to this day, he is 41 and she is 65. He curses her, the hate he has for her is beyond me. He has a good career, he can buy or rent a house, apartment, anything. He thinks he's entitled to live there, but at times threated to move.  She says "when?"  She wants him to move out, but there are other times, she doesn' think she can live alone.  The older she gets, I think the more she will rely on him, even though he means no good to her.  He purposes does things to make her cry, he treats her like she is worthless at times, other times he can show some love.  He has no respect for her, she has no respect for him. He spends his money, lives month to month, he has no bills to pay except for the ones he spends for himself. He boasted he makes over $75,000 a year.  He buys his love from the nephew and niece.. Soon they will be old enough to know how he treats their grandmother...
He loves to kill animals, he spends lot of money to do this, guns, accessories, etc.... Hunting is is passion, he is so selfish, he's not married because he has admitted he could never have a woman control him.  In fact, he has lost jobs because his supervisors were females and he just couldn't have a woman tell him what to do.  He's got some issues, can a psychologist or thepathy fix him? He doesn't think anything is wrong with him, everyone else is in the wrong.

She also has the means to sell her house and thus force him to move, but she won't.  She talks about selling and buying another house, I told her, this is the best move she could make.  The manner in which she lives will shorten her life span, all that stress is not good for anyone.  
He hates anyone who doesn't agree with him.... I can't stand being around this selfish bore of whom unfortunately is related to me.... During family gatherings, I keep a smile, but don't engage him... I will visit with other members of the family.... The only reason why he is so popular with the young nieces and nephews is the fact the gives them lavish gifts for their birthdays and holiday. Does works them to control them.  They will soon be old enough to see how he treats his mom, their grandma and hopefully they will cut their strings with this hatefull wanna be man.

[lostdog]

My 12 and 11 years old boys hate me they fight with each other all the time in turn I fight with my wife every evening and weekend is hell with all the fighting

[devilofaguy]

my son started hating me a year ago and won't tell me why.I have been divorced from his mom going on 10 years.We are both remarried and he has a great life at his moms.His step dad gives them the world.My daughter still loves me,but won't tell me why he hates me so much.It hurts,but I have two other kids now I have to raise now.I know its not because of them,he has a new little sister with his mom and stepdad.What should I do? Confused Dad

[Carolina43]

You need to help your mother get out of this stressful situation, if you love her.  Your brother should be paying rent or ALL the utilities on the house which he freely shares with her. Why is he getting away paying nothing?  And if he's abusive to your Mom, WHY would the family not stage an "intervention" of sorts and tell him that it is no longer acceptable for him to live there and treat his mom that way.  Why is everyone in the family smiling and "dancing around" this issue without confronting him about it?  Would you allow a neighbor to treat your mom this way?  NOOOOO!  Then why would you allow your brother to do so?  There's a law called "Abuse of the Elderly" and if your brother cannot be convinced to (1) move out; (2) change his attitude and start showing respect; and (3) Pay rent to his mother; then someone needs to consult with an agency which represents the rights of the Elderly.  I, too, am 65 and have a 41 year old son living with me.  He is not as respectful as I would like, but he pays his share of most everything (property taxes, utilities, insur.) and brings in some groceries.  We have problems with his trying to "guilt trip" me about things, but if he ever layed a hand on me or cursed me, he would be out of here!  IF YOU WOULD NOT ACCEPT THIS TREATMENT FROM SOMEONE OUTSIDE THE FAMILY, THEN YOU SHOULD NOT ACCEPT IT FROM SOMEONE IN THE FAMILY!  Get going and help your Mother out of this dangerous situation.  With the anger your brother is showing, he could kill her!  Stop turning a deaf ear and blind eye to this serious situation.  Good luck!

[angelinamarina]

honestly it sounds like you both are very depressed.  both should probably be on antidepressant meds.  You say his father was an alcoholic.  Alcoholics are KNOWN for depression and if his father was depressed, he could easily be.  Depression comes out as anger many times.  
Please go to a psychiatrist for meds, not a regular MD.

[924]

I have a 28 year old son that hasn't been to our home for a year now and hasn't called. not even on holidays or birthdays he just doesn't seem to care.  he is married and has one daughter who is 6 years old.he also has a wife that has issues and the both of them spend most of there time playing games. she plays all day and he plays when he gets off work."seems to be a there favorite pass time." the point is they don't seem to want to spend any time with me or the rest of the familty. I have tried to talk to him at work and he doesn't say much except you know I love you. but I feel actions speak louder than words.I truly don't understand him. he has always been the baby of the family. spoiled to say the least. he always says if I don't come see you - I know you will come see me with a smile on his face.I don't understand him or his wife.I have done so much for them but that doesn't seem to matter to them..
I know a lot has happened since his father died back in 2001 when he thought he and his brother  should have a third of the insurance I got when his father died. and when I remarried five years later he was upset about that saying I know people that never get remarried. and I told him that was not his call to make. frankly it was not up to him as to weather I remarried or not. I don't know what his problem is. I love him so much and it is eating at me that he doesn't care how I feel. It breaks my heart. His wife runs the roost and the rooster.he has to get her permission for everything or she has a fit and if she says no he won't go anywhere without her.except work.
I don't think it's to much to ask for him to come by once in a while and for him to call and keep in touch and bring my granddaughter with him.and for another thing she does not want me at her house.
a lot has happened in the past. my daughter died 5 years ago and she had two boys which I adopted.he has never had much to do with them as well I am at a loss as to what to do. does anyone have any answers?  A heat broken mom

[GarboLady]

My son, an only child, turned 18 last week. He's in his final year in high school and finally back on track after living with his emotionally and physically abusive father for two years, failing school and truancy issues, along with low self esteem. He came back to live with me in March of this year. I enrolled him in school and he has settled in well with the friends he attended school with in the past.
He's always been a loving child, honest, no drinking or drugs, but has an issue with authority. He does well at his part time job, but has issues with teachers as well as myself. Most of the time his attitude is good, but for the past 6 months, he decided that he doesn't like me, won't tell me he loves me, and tells me he "hates me to the core". This hurts more than anything, especially since I've always been there for him, never abandoned or ignored his needs or desires, and we always had an open relationship....he couldn't speak to his dad about girls or sex and found comfort speaking openly with me, which was healthy, as he is sexually responsible and has not had sex with any of his past girlfriends (says he wants to wait). However, I am now hated and despised, no matter how close we were.

He didn't speak with his dad for 9 months after he moved out, but now they are speaking again, which I feel is healthy and I do support. I'm only confused with the hatred towards me and I dearly miss my son, the one who loved me entirely.

I did take his car away from him after he cussed at me and told me he hated me. So I don't have an issue with discipline. However, he won't speak to me and, even though he's in counseling, it appears to be worsening.

Has anyone had this type of issue? I won't implore him to speak to me, as it only makes things worse. Praying this will change.

[msgreeneyes39]

I'm like a lot of you.  I have a 21 year old son who constantly screams, yells, wants, demands.  I started a journal this week of each situation that I have with him.  I know exactly why my son is the way he is.  I had way too much help from his grandparents.  I was 17 years old and had been through a lot with the father of my baby.  I was willing to let anyone help me with whatever I had.  Now his is 21 and like always, if I say no or I won't do things the way he wants them done, he runs to grandma and she makes it all better.  It just happened today.  Unbelievable.  I cannot even injoy my son because I won't spoil him the way his grandparents do.  He lives with them and comes and goes as he pleases.  Truthfully, he is very disrespectful to them, yells, screams, cusses, calls my dad an old man and tells him he doesn't know anything.  He has one friend, only one and this friend means more to him than any family member.  He has been fired from every job he has ever had.  He loves to fight and yes, he does smoke pot.  I personally believe that my son is bipolar.  I have done the research and he has every sympton there is.  You know, Christmas is here and I have spend about $350 on him and the way I was treated by him this week, I have the mind to take every bit of it back.  I have no choice right now but to get through the holiday and completely back off before I really blow a fuse.  I feel so sick to my stomache over this.  If I don't separate myself from all of this I will absolutely lose it.  I cannot stand to be screamed at anymore.

I understand how all of you feel that are going through this.  I'm just glad that I found this website so I don't have to feel like I'm all by myself in this.  God bless.

[Nathansmum]

I have read everything here so far and it is a big relief to me to know that I am not the only mother this is happening to. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart. My son has refused all contact with me for the past six years for no reason whatsoever. No one can get an answer from him as to why - people naturally think that I must have done something to him to make him behave this way.  After years of heartbreak, sleepless nights and a near nervous breakdown - not knowing WHY? nearly killed me.  He was a lovely child, smart, popular and much loved in our large extended family and network of friends. He excelled at everything he did - sport, music, school, college, university and he travelled the world - all he ever needed.  Everything my parents failed to do for me - I did for him. We got on exceptionally well, he was easy to converse with, calm and thoughtful he had lots of friends.  
As the time for him to take his place in the adult world drew near he started to talk a lot about his fears and anxiety about failing - I reassured him that he was well capable but he was reluctant to move on and grow into a man - soon he started to blame me for his lack of ambition saying that I had never encouraged him to get rich and successful (this is true - I encouraged him to value a good character and hard work balanced with a sense of fun).
Looking back - I have scoured every memory, photograph, schoolbook, cards I could find no clue as to why all this happened.
With your help, I am now coming to the conclusion that he simply does not want to grow  up, he is afraid of the responsibilities of adult life - his father has given him a poor example (being afraid to join the workforce - I was the breadwinner) his father also blamed me for this saying that he could never hope to earn as much as me so he didnt bother to try.
I worry about him of course - how can you be happy in life when you show no regard for someone who has been good to you, your whole life?
A lot of terrible things have happened to me during my life so far - in my childhood particularly but these things only made me stronger - this is different, this is wearing me down or at least it was - I was nearly at the end when I found this site - now I am begining to pull the clues together into some kind of answer. You have brought me some peace of mind tonight - thank you

[OPP103]

Although, a question is posted why do we worry when Our  Adult Children turn on us like vipers.  I have no confirmed answer,  We could speculate, over bearing parents, overindulgent parents, or strict parents.  Well until today this was a riddle.  However after reading so many comments from heartbroken mothers such as myself I realize what Happen..."Life".  We all make our own choices in Life, even GOD himself gives us all the Right.  Sometimes people make bad choices simple and true.  But as parents we do not have the right to carry Other Peoples problems.  Which is my screen name. "OPP".  See I have been been guilty have shouldering so many of negative feelings I ready so many have carried.  We have to Decide to Love our children but to NOW Love ourselves first.  I have blamed my son for so many things because of giving and giving to him.. Even when we did have money or little food I would give him the donut and eat the hole.  If you know what I mean.  I moved many miles when the doctors told me he had brain tumors without insurance and no one for support but prayer I never gave  up.  But now my Fellow Parent, I choose to forgive him because that will enable me to move on in Life.  See mourning over your children does not resurrect the relationship.  A dishonorable son will bring his mother shame. Therefore when that happens Mothers stick to your guns.  Dont allow there disfunctional behavior to make you over think the matter.  Simply stated dogs dont eat from there dung why should we.  So I announce today that I choose Life and Love I choose to pray for GOD direction his life.  And that's it.  No more all night vigils asking GOD why.  Because today liberation of truth has set  me free.  After raising a son all alone oftentimes sick and  always causing issues everywhere he went from the baby sitter  thru  public then to catholic schools in two differ states.  I can admit that was my Best.  Life does not move backward but forward.  Those of you who were smart enough to retain relationships wheter with husband family or friends.  Establish those relationships, decide where you want to go in life,eliminating the stress of the failed relationship with your children. See you will always be there mother.  1000 years from now that will still be the fruit of your loins.  But your precious life will have been wasted because you allowed someone else's stuff to hinder the present "life" that GOD has given you.  I trust the Universe, the Creator well enough to say it will all work to out to the good.  Thank YOU all for your contributions is has been an healing experience for me.  Dont worry about Other People's problems even when it's your sons or daugthers for that matter.  Shoot so many people living and now some dead who warned me I tried to hard.  But I did what knew to do which was my best.  As a result he is independant adult. All the harm that occurred in my life the financial hardships that I still faced today the emotional roller coaters were a part of life's journey.  So Parents take the road trip guided by our sons as long as you Like but today I choose to take an Airplane and rise above the problem.  In life the one truth I have learned is to what you can the rest is out of your control.  Since I no longer have control issues.  I now KNOW and Believe as corny as it may sound.  If you love someone let them go if they are truly yours they will return.  Patience and forgiving everyone are essential.  Peace Love my Fellow Sojourners.  
OPP

[jackiejones]

right now i share your pain so much.  i went to this site to get answers to my problems, but when i read your story, i connected immediately and so many answers were ones i needed.  i'm going through right now and it's so hard.  i have three children all adults, and only one of the three treat me with respect and love.  my oldest daughter and my baby boy have just about drained the life out of me.  prayer and more prayer is what has brought me this far.  i have even contemplated taking my own life at times,but what would it gain me?  i know that God is in the plan somewhere and that its all figured out and its all good.  i will continue to pray for you and i ask that you remember me in your prayers.  good luck and i can't wait to read your victory story in the near future.  god bless you.

[bean4220]

i love my son deeply.  he is impossible for me to live with. some people like him.  i don't.  he takes advantage of me, belittles me and insults me. i think i have just given him too much and i am so done. mind you he is 30 and has been living OFF me for about a year, while he gets his bachelors and masters.

[lvtocmp]

Well, I don't need to write a story here because you all have the same story that I have - maybe different versions. Personally, I can't get any help just because I know other people are going through the same thing. It would be nice to get a professional opinion on why this happens and what mothers are to do to handle it and get on with their lives in a productive manner as this affects my work, my home life and all other relationships I have due to depression and anger over this. I'll never give up hope but I am ready to seek professional help on how to cope. A "*****" session does not help me. I pray and hope for all of us because we do not deserve this.

[Sandy7603]

Hello everyone,  Reading these story's seems like my life.  Wow didn't realize so many live my life.  I have a son who is 27.  He has a daughter who is almsot 8.  Not with her mother anymore but with a woman older then me.. She is 54.  :(  Told him if he is looking for a mother right here I am.  His dad and I div. when he was almost 18.  I should have left long before b/c of so much verbal abuse.  I stayed just like many of us do (for the kids) BIG BIG mistake... Never do that.. Learned a lesson there for sure.  Figured if they were so young and I left their dad would still be a part of their life so why leave.  (visitation) you know.  I also have a son who is 25.  He is developmentally delayed. He graduated, drives, works full time and lives on his own in a beautiful house he purchased all alone. (income based).  I have given the last 25 years of my life to my children.  My oldest told me he thought I was a great Mom (pre drug and drinking addiction) I currently provide daycare in my home.  In my 25th year.  Started when my 25 yr. old was 3 mo old.  Having a reunion in Sept.2010 inviting all the kids I cared for back b/c I want to see them.  I know in my heart NOW I was the best Mom my boys could have ever had.  I gave up my own life for them and all the others I cared for which resulted in having low self esteem, obesity, anxiety, you name it.  NOW at almsot 50 yr. old I am looking out for me for the 1st time in my life.  I have lost 65 lbs. working out in a gym everyday, remarried to a man of my dreams and loving life.  For so long I felt all my oldest sons problems were b/c of me.  That I was a bad MOM.. NO MORE!! His decisions are HIS decisions.  I am looking out for #1 from NOW on.  My heart is so hurt and broken I don't think I will ever love him the way I used to.  Amazing how drugs and drinking can effect someone isn't it? He is a TOTALLY different person and one this MOM is going to limit allowing him to be in my life.  I AM SO TIRED OF HIM HURTING ME.  This 54 yr. old woman in his life that he lives with has never been married, no kids ever has no idea how BAD it has hurt me.  I backed away for 3 mo. after Christmas after watching him give everyone a present except me of course.  Another STAB to my heart.  I didn't contact them his 2nd mother contacted me b/c he was abusing her.  I then came back into the picture thinking I could fix it till just realizing that AGAIN I can't fix his problems to backing away again as of TODAY!!  You see as long as his 1st mother isn't in the picture he will ABUSE his 2nd mother like he does me.  ONE way of getting her out of his life hopefully one day.  She is nothing but an enabler.  I prayed about this for over a year.  I keep telling her that GOD brought her into his life for a reason.  Matter of fact I think he is worse now then ever.  NOT SURE what is happening but going to step back and let GOD take over once again.  I need to turn it over to him.  2010 is about looking after ME and what makes me HAPPY!!  Tired of taking care of everyone else and trying to keep them happy.  He is so much like his FATHER I understand now why there are times I can't stand him.  Being a MOM who has never taken DRUGS in her life I can't understand how someone can do this to themselves to get rid of problems for a short time and they come down off their high and BOOM the problems are right there again.  Thanks for letting me VENT!!  Anyone who is interested in being an online buddy may email me ***@****.  I am not positive this will even post or I can get back on this site.  Was pure LUCK I ended up here. Thanks again for reading my post. It helped for me to just write.

[squaretimes]

A Sweet Baby was born to two parents who were very young.  They looked forward to having a baby to love.  Unfortunately for this little baby, both of his parents were very immature and did not know to look after him.  They had very big problems and really did not have the skills that it would take to bring up a child and give him all the things that parents should give their child.  Both parents were addicted to drugs.
This little baby was not looked after very well because his parents could not give him all the things that a baby needed.  They could not hug and cuddle him when he cried.  They did not feed him when he was hungry.  They forgot they needed to give him medicine when he was sick.  They forgot that he needed to get an education so he struggled through school.  
His parents eventually divorced because their marriage was not built on solid ground and they were from completely different worlds.  That is to say, they had very little in common.  The only link they had was this child they shared. So, throughout their lives they were in contact with each other because of their bond with this child.

This baby had two grandparents who loved him beyond words.  The grandparents were very upset all the time because they knew this little child needed love, support, food, medicine and education.   They struggled to give him all the things his parents were not capable of giving him.  They did everything in their power to help him.  They saw him whenever they could but this child's parents decided that they did not want these grandparents in the child's life and made it very difficult for them to see the child. Despite the parents fighting against the grandparents, they persevered and continued to fight to see him, knowing that their involvement might make a positive difference in his life.
The little baby grew into a young man and the grandparents continued their fight to see him.  
Then the grandmother became very very ill and had to go away to a hospital for treatments.  Every weekend
she came home to see her grandson, although she was very weak.  The grandson was now twelve years old.
Later on that year their grandson left his Mother and went to live with his Father.  That winter their grandson came to visit them in Florida.  He seemed to have a very nice time with them, but when he returned home he went back to live with his Mother and he never spoke to them again for five years.

It was a very difficult time for the grandparents.  They were in a lot of pain from the betrayal of their grandchild.  This child that they had given so much of their heart and soul to. They could not understand what went wrong.  All of their friends and relatives where in shock, that so much love and care was given to someone and this was what was given in return.
The grandmother was especially hurt because during her darkest time in her life, when she did not know if she was going to live or die, she had taken the last bit of strength she had left in her, and made sure she spent time with her grandson.  This was what she got in return for all her efforts.  It just was not fair.

Then this child came back into the grandparent's life.  He came back and the grandparents were happy.  They wanted everything for him once again.  They wanted him to have everything that he had missed out on.  The lost childhood, the lost parenting, the lost care, the lost education and the lost love.  They embraced this child and tried to forget the pain he had caused them.
They were willing to give him everything.  They got him his beginners driver's license and a summer job.  They even promised to give him money if he would save his money during the summer.  The child tried to cheat them at the end of the summer.  He told them he saved his money and he really had not.  The child's father said that the child plotted to cheat them and he did not want any part of it.  The grandparents forgave the child and still continued to try and help him.
They tried to make his life as normal as possible.  When the young man told them he did not want to continue in school they encouraged him to find a trade that would enable him to make a good living in the future.  They gave him all the options available and when the young man decided he would like to get a trade they phoned everyone they knew that might be able to give him this opportunity.  Luckily they found someone who would teach him.
CONTINUED ON NEXT POST.......

[squaretimes]

Then the grandchild moved into their house.  They tried to make him as comfortable as possible.  They made him a nice room with all the things that would make him happy.  They tried to show him how he could have a good future.  They tried to teach him to save his money and to have good work habits.  
The story is not over yet.  The end of the story really depends on what the young man wants for himself.  Does he want a good life or a life like his parents?  Will he do the right things or will he be like them?  Will he see that his grandparents love him and can give him a future or will he want to use them and once again betray them?  The end of the story is really up to him.
He holds the key to his future.  They can only hope and pray he wants a good life.
Now it is a year since this young man once again became part of his grandparent's life.
During that year he had to look after himself for four months because his grandparents went to Florida.  He got up very early every day and went to work.  He washed his own clothes, made his own meals and took public transportation every day.  He took really good care of everything his grandparents entrusted him with.
He saved all of his money during that year and never wasted anything.
He became a good driver and his grandparents gave him a car.  
He became very good friends with the children of his grandparent's best friends.  He built a wonderful relationship with them and they learned to love and trust him dearly.
He started to enjoy learning where he came from and where he is going.  He started reading books and became
religious.  
He showed his grandparents how they could and should trust him and they became very very proud of him once again. Everyone learned to love him again and to know what a wonderful, kind, intelligent and caring person he was.
His grandparents were so proud of him that when they talked about him they sometimes cried.  Their pride was so great.
His grandparents are looking forward to the next chapter in his life and can only pray that he continues to grow and know that he has a wonderful future and they are so proud of him.
This past year was one of his grandparent's Best Years and hopefully every New Year will be filled with the same pride for his accomplishments.
MAY 8TH, 2009
AFTER FOUR YEARS OF LIVING WITH HIS GRANDPARENTS HE SAVED HIS MONEY, WENT TO SCHOOL, WORKED HARD AND FOUND A LOVELY GIRL WHO HE HOPES WILL BE HIS FUTURE BRIDE.
IF THIS YOUNG MAN LEARNS ANYTHING IN LIFE I HOPE IT IS TO CARE FOR THE PEOPLE WHO CARED THE MOST FOR HIM AND GAVE HIM EVERY OPPORTUNITY THAT LIFE HAD TO OFFER.
ALTHOUGH HE IS LOVED AND CARED FOR BY TWO GRANDPARENTS WHO TOOK A LOT OF TIME AND EFFORT TO SHAPE HIS
LIFE AND SHOW HIM HOW MUCH POTENTIAL HE HAS, HE HAS NOT BEEN ABLE TO RETURN THE LOVE AND CARE THAT THE PUT INTO HIS CHILDHOOD AND HIS WHOLE LIFE.
IF THERE IS A GOOD G-D, HE WILL ONE DAY KNOW THAT WHEN YOU HAVE A GIFT OF WONDERFUL, CARING GRANDPARENTS WHO BROUGHT SO MUCH GOODNESS, KINDNESS, CARE, LOVE AND GAVE SO MUCH OF THEMSELVES THAT YOU NEED TO RETURN THAT TO THEM EVERYDAY OF YOUR LIFE.
YOU DO NOT NEGLECT THEM, YOU DO NOT TELL THEM THEY ARE CONTROLLING YOU, YOU CALL THEM DAILY, YOU REMEMBER THEM
ON THEIR BIRTHDAYS, FATHER’S DAY, MOTHER’S DAY AND MAKE EVERY DAY SPECIAL FOR THEM, AS THEY DID FOR YOU ALL OF YOUR LIFE.  YOU SHARE YOUR LIFE WITH THEM AS THEY SHARED THEIRS WITH YOU.  THE HOLIDAYS AND SPECIAL TIMES THEY GAVE TO
YOU SO UNSELFLESSLY, YOU RETURN TO THEM BY GIVING OF YOURSELF.  YOU GIVE BACK WHAT YOU RECEIVED ALL YOUR LIFE.
YOU REMEMBER ALL OF THE THINGS THEY DID IN ORDER FOR YOU TO HAVE A GOOD LIFE AND YOU RETURN THAT BY GIVING THEM YOUR RESPECT, TIME, CARE AND LOVE.  
MAY 2010    -Now this young man is married to a lovely girl.  At their wedding he had his parents give him away.
He is not in touch with his grandparents very often.  He says he is very busy with work and learning
to communicate with his new bride.  His grandfather was very ill recently and he was too busy to call
to find out how he was doing.  His grandmother left a message telling him his grandfather came through
his ordeal but he did not call back.   Also, he forgot to wish his grandfather Happy Birthday.  
His grandparents built him an apartment when he got married because they did not want him to have
the pressure of paying rent until he was making a better living.  They continue to try and make his life
better.
Does anyone know why this grandson does not give his grandparents the love they deserve?

[henley1234]

I have read all the posts and like most of them have similar problems. I have a son 42yrs old who decided that he no longer needed or wanted us (my husband and I) in his life and he came to this decision when we one day decided NOT to accept his egotistical opinionated  and disrespectful attitude when he constantly talked 'down' to us (his parents) So we had enough one day and  responded to him by saying 'no more' or words a little stronger to that effect!

He has now cut us out of his life and does not encourage any contact from our 3 grandchildren (we still write, call and send presents to them) but have no response back - not even birthday or grandparent cards....

How can any adult (parent) raising children to have good morals, love and respect do this to them - what example is he displaying?    So we not only lost our son (whom we are totally ashamed of) but have now lost our grandchildren and the hole gets bigger and bigger and the divide becomes greater....

We have offered to meet and discuss things on a one-to-one but he rejects it - and makes us feel that ALL the problems are ours and cannot recognise that most of the problems lie inside himself.  How do you get beyond this and remain with some degree of dignity and sanity?

NANA

.  

[omegle721]

I am so certain that all you are such wonderful and loving parents, and you gave everything to them, and they are such terrible human beings with such awful personal flaws that you drew out, and that you are angels.  In life, very often you invite into your life what you put in- and nowhere is that more true with your own son or daughter.  You are all so misguided; the simple fact you make yourself out to be such saints and your kids out to be such devils (you you "love" anyway) is telling.

[Amberbear]

So I take it you are a grown son/daughter who hates his/her parent?   I think it would be interesting to hear your point of view.   Please tell us your story.

[Alive_again]

I have read all the post and now at least I know that I am not the only one out there that has a son that treats them this way. My son is 25 years old and has been doing this to me since he turned 20. It was really bad at first, I have been called every name you can imagine and the one thing I realized and see in a lot of you is the fact that we GAVE way too much to our children and when the giving stopped because of how we were treated then I was considered a horrible mother. My son had both his parents in his life, we never divorced, there was no reason for his behavior except him. My heart hurt to the point I could no longer take his words, his hurts, so I simply decided I was exiting this screwed up world, seemed easier than hearing my own son tell me how horrible I was and that he hated me, well of course my overdose didnt work but it did end me up in the hospital and a lot of counseling and therapy and a lot of time to think. Now...I have let him go. I love him dearly but say very little to him. He has changed a lot but only in the fact that he no longer calls me names, I'll take that. He doesnt come over much and thats fine with me too, I'd rather not see him than deal with the rude comments, when he calls and talks ugly to me, I hang up instantly and DO NOT answer again to him no matter how many times he lets it ring (and he can sure let it ring). He now knows that I simply wont listen to him, period! Why should I? I know how he feels, I dont need to hear it over and over.  I guess the breaking point which I call a nervous breakdown, woke me up...I can try all I want but NOTHING is going to change him, but him. I CANT make him love or like me...I did NOTHING wrong to him except expect him to go to school or go to work and he didnt really want to do either. I got him every job he has and they are good, high paying jobs, and yet he blames me for getting them because he hates to get up early. If he never comes back I would be hurt but not near as hurt as I am when he is here crushing my heart with his words. Sometimes we just have to let them go. I still pray daily for him, us, our family, peace and then I just give it all to God. I will never allow another, even my own child, treat me this way again, I will never let anyone make me so miserable that I want to die, sometimes we simply HAVE to let go. Letting go gives us back our lives as hard and painful as it is.  Thanks for listening and Blessings to each of you and I pray you find the peace you need.  ~ Alive!

[Alive_again]

I have read all the post and now at least I know that I am not the only one out there that has a son that treats them this way. My son is 25 years old and has been doing this to me since he turned 20. It was really bad at first, I have been called every name you can imagine and the one thing I realized and see in a lot of you is the fact that we GAVE way too much to our children and when the giving stopped because of how we were treated then I was considered a horrible mother. My son had both his parents in his life, we never divorced, there was no reason for his behavior except him. My heart hurt to the point I could no longer take his words, his hurts, so I simply decided I was exiting this screwed up world, seemed easier than hearing my own son tell me how horrible I was and that he hated me, well of course my overdose didnt work but it did end me up in the hospital and a lot of counseling and therapy and a lot of time to think. Now...I have let him go. I love him dearly but say very little to him. He has changed a lot but only in the fact that he no longer calls me names, I'll take that. He doesnt come over much and thats fine with me too, I'd rather not see him than deal with the rude comments, when he calls and talks ugly to me, I hang up instantly and DO NOT answer again to him no matter how many times he lets it ring (and he can sure let it ring). He now knows that I simply wont listen to him, period! Why should I? I know how he feels, I dont need to hear it over and over.  I guess the breaking point which I call a nervous breakdown, woke me up...I can try all I want but NOTHING is going to change him, but him. I CANT make him love or like me...I did NOTHING wrong to him except expect him to go to school or go to work and he didnt really want to do either. I got him every job he has and they are good, high paying jobs, and yet he blames me for getting them because he hates to get up early. If he never comes back I would be hurt but not near as hurt as I am when he is here crushing my heart with his words. Sometimes we just have to let them go. I still pray daily for him, us, our family, peace and then I just give it all to God. I will never allow another, even my own child, treat me this way again, I will never let anyone make me so miserable that I want to die, sometimes we simply HAVE to let go. Letting go gives us back our lives as hard and painful as it is.  Thanks for listening and Blessings to each of you and I pray you find the peace you need.  ~ Alive!

[sistergal2]

I sympathize with you totally. My son and I had a wonderful relationship until he married married 12 yrs ago; slowly but surely each year our relationship has eroded. I have not seen my son/grandson in 6 mos. no telephone calls or texts, no e-mails, nothing.. I HAVE NO CONTACT W/MY ADULT SON ... my poor little grandsons do not know what has happened ... I have to leave little presents for them on their doorstep in the middle of the night to let them know I still love them. My son and his wife have cell phones and will not answer my calls so I can talk to my grandsons. I know very well that his wife and her mother have created this setting. By the way, I am on disability and have always been available to attend outings with the children should the son's wife & her mother take them  out (and they always DO) but I am NEVER invited, never in 12 years. WE NEED COUNSELING but I don't think my son would have "time" for counseling. It is so painful as this is my only child and I will never be allowed to see my small grandchildren I know. I am going to find a counselor just for me anyway but my heart is broken so much that I don't know if ever it can be put back together. I believe my son hates me for a reason I do not realize and he will not tell me. WATCH OUT FOR DAUGHTER-IN-LAWS WHO HAVE LOW SELF ESTEEM AS THIS ONE DOES.

[nrsimcal]

i am so pleased to have found this forum.
I too have had nothing but grief from a grown up son.
he's has always had a chip on his shoulder when it comes to his parents more me. He has some idealistic view of his father and even though he left home age 17 he has emotionally drained us for years.
When we have tried to challenge the behaviour we are shouted down and he manipulates the two of us. e.g. he will phone his father on his cell phone but will say to his dad that he's tried phoning me but i haven't answered. This has gone on for years. I keep explaining to my husband that i have NEVER had a missed calls my husband use to make excuses for him.
my son is now 32 and is still doing this to us he phoned husband the other day saying he'd tried to contact me of course there was no missed calls and as I tried to explain to my husband whats wrong with him txting or leaving a phone message.  
This breaks my heart I keep asking my husband WHY? he says it's my sons problem but now agrees that he probably just doesn't like me.
We have another son who lives a few hours drive away and is as supportive as he can be.
I beat myself up as to what I have done to deserve this there is only the 4 of us we have no families and I think he blames me for this, I was the one who was stricter but I wanted my boys to grow up responsible and have respect. He is in a very responsible job and I think both his colleagues and friends would be shocked as to how he treats his mother. For mothers day I got a second hand perfume (obvisouly his girlfriends cast off) not in a box and seal openend. His dad got a new present.
It is harder when the two parents are treated so differently I know many of you feel my husband should stand up for meand he has tried to challenge him in the past but it's very hard because it ends up in rows and i think my husband feels pig in the middle.
I would rather him be honest and open as to why he dislikes me so much at least then I would know where I had gone wrong but to do this to me it is so cruel.
My self esteem and self confidence is at an all time low and in some ways it would be easier if I didn't have any contact with him it would be still painful but it wouldn't feel like a drip drip drip of emtional turmoil

[staleywise]

Hi nrsimcal, to prove your son is lying about the missed calls, once and for all, just send him a test message and ask him to "reply".  Your phone will tell you whether or not he receives it and that will be the end of that.

I really feel for you as I have 3 children, all of who have been badly affected by their (now dead) alcoholic, abusive father - oh and by the way, actually it's everything I did to them, not him (no it isn't but that's what one of them tries to tell me.)

I have wasted years thinking I was "being there" for them only to discover that they can't wait till I'm put in an old people's home so they can sell my house and have everything I've worked hard for.

My measured opinion is;  if you do everything for them they will definitely invent a miserable childhood and try to pin guilt on you for imagined wrongs;  BUT if you treat them like crap and neglect them you won't be able to move for them trying to be close to you!  When my alcoholic husband died they treated him like a God and me like a leper.

I'm off to do my own thing.  Stuff 'em.

[mmccoo]

I searched the web today to see if I could find a site like this. Thank you.  Our 18 year old son left home.  We knew it would come but not like this.  When he was young he was an honor roll student and a star athlete.  We moved out of the suburbs to the country for "a better life".  Everything changed for him.  Grades deteriorated so badly he wasn't allowed to attend graduation of middle school.  Although he was again doing well in sports we had to take him out to focus on school.  

HS was even worse.  His attitude became worse and abusive.  He stole money and other things from us including our vehicles.  We had to have the police bring him home twice.  He blamed us for everything wrong in his life.  We had to put him in the "extension" side of HS for those who couldn't hack regular HS.  He barely made that.  His grandmother bought him a car for graduation and we got him a job.  

He began to stay out all night and maybe come home and sleep most of the day.  We told him it can't be this way.  He moved out in a huff to live with a friend.  He quit his job and sold the car and blew the money.  After 2 months he came to us and asked if we could help him straighten out his life.  We said of course.  Come home and we'll find a way to get another car and get into school.  Nope.  He wants us to buy him a car, pay rent on an apartment and cosign for a student loan.  We said no.  

Recent communications have only been texting and they were abusive rants about not caring about him, how bad parents we've been and we'll never see him again.  We aren't perfect parents.  We've told him many time how much we love him and want to help him but it has to be on our terms.  It's like we don't know him anymore.  I'm sure he's out partying like most 18 year olds but I don't think this is what has turned him against us.

We are grief stricken, depressed and worried for his safety.  

[Jan5319]

I am 57 and have 2 daughters, 25 and 28. I am in the middle of a domestic abuse divorce after 30 years of marriage. My younger one has lived and supported herself since she was 19. She has let me move in with her.  My older one lives with her dad. She has always lived home, never paid for rent or food, never cleaned up after herself, used drugs, dealt drugs (crack etc)....had a loaded gun in the house and a stolen car in our garage. I turned her in and her dad said he doesn't blame her for hating me...I deserve it.
My older daughter HATES me. She blames me for every bad thing that ever happened in her life.  I was the best mom I could be, but for some reason it was not enough for her. I think the drug use affected her mind. She was arrested and has also been in rehab 1 1/2 years.
I am coping with all I can handle with the divorce and was diagnosed with PTSD due to the abusive marriage. I always kept the lines open if my daughter ever needed me. I have given her money when she needed it, gone to court to give emotional support....she has been abusive physically (gave me 2 black eyes), emotionally (says -fu-k you, you are worthless, you are selfish, you ruined my life etc),.....but finally last month I told her unless and until she learns how to treat me with respect, I want no communication with you. The stress of dealing with her anger was stopping me from getting better. It was ruinung my health.
So.....I have no contact with her. Sure it is hard, she was my life. But she is an adult now.... 28!!!!!!.....it's time she got a life! She lives with dad, has never lived on her own. She needs to grow up and pushing her out of the nest is the only way she is going to learn. (even if it only mom pushing since she still lives with dad) It's tough love I guess, it's hard, but you have to do it for yourself and for him. You have to think about your health....and getting rid of the stress is the first step. He is an adult, not a child..
and we deserve respect not abuse!

[RedBearWoman]

Part 1 - Wow! I read many of the comments by parents living sadness because of the behavior of sons/daughters for whom they sacrificed, fought the other parent for child support (for 30 years for me - for three sons), did without themselves, and made sure they always had a roof over their heads and food to eat, no matter how meager.  

Because I refused to remain in a marriage with a cheater and beater psychopath of a husband when my oldest son was three, he acted out early, and has held a grudge against me, never asking what I had gone through to escape with our lives - he is 40, and has refused to speak to me for years, does not answer my emails, cell phone calls and love texts, birthday and general love cards and gifts mailed to him.  He spent his teen years stealing from me and his brothers, destroying the home I had purchased, stole new tires off my car and put old ones on, was jailed by his employer for stealing store items, got very sick after returning from the army (which I insisted he join for the discipline), and when his father gave him another car, after I let him (very weak, couldn't walk) drive my car and he tore it up - for over a year, he lived with his brothers and me, had a job, continued to steal from us, but would not drive his brothers to school or me to the grocery store in the car his father gave him.  He even had the nerve to ask his brothers to give him a push every morning so he could get the VW bus started, and then he would drive off. I gave him so many chances to be responsible, used tough love, but he continued to love his father's family and treat us badly. When I last suggested that he not hold grudges against his brothers, he put things on facebook to hurt me, like calling his long-absent father's third wife (yes, the second one with whom he cheated got cheated on by him) "Mom" and making affectionate conversation with her; and her two sons (with my ex-) and the second wife's daughter, he is proud to call his siblings.  He treats his first brothers nicely only so he will have a place to stay when he comes to the city for vacation, and of course, I never see him when he does.  The only way I know he is still alive is to peek on Facebook from time to time.

My second son, now 37, asked me to move out west ten years ago because he and his then-wife planned to have kids and he wanted me (since I was about to retire) to come out and "be grandma" when they did.  I sold everything I had, books, music, clothing, furniture, antiques, and drove across country to start that adventure.  I sent my baby boy, then 19, away to college, and during the holidays, he went to stay with his father, my second husband - also a hitter. The first day I arrived out west, he and his wife were mean to me and treated me as if I had invaded their home without an invitation.  They made life so unbearable (I was not allowed to open the tiny bedroom window for cool air at night, but they refused to turn on the air conditioning; the room was over the two-car garage so the heat of the engines boiled upwards until midnight). I had to lock the door and sneak the window open.  If he saw the window open from outside, he would angrily tell me to shut it so the air conditioning (which did not come in my room) would not escape.  His wife one day "accidentally" allowed the dog into my close bedroom door - to pee on my bed and tear up my shoes while I was out looking for a job (so I could get out of their home).  Every time I bought salads and fruits, after one day, they would complain I was leaving wilted food in their refrigerator and so they would do a frige cleaning every other day. My son would suddenly wash his work shirts and then leave his clothes in the washer and go to work...but only if he saw I had separated my own clothing on the floor near the washer, with the intention of washing - after having to go out to buy detergent.  If I put his shirts in the dryer, he cussed me out and told me to never move his things in the washer.  I eventually saved enough to move out and got my own apartment; they divorced and he began a relationship with a new lady.  In the middle of my lease, he and his new lady asked me to come and live in their new home and feed their dog and pay their bills while they went to work on a cruise ship for six months; I felt loved and that they wanted me to be part of their family.  When they came back after just a month or two (because she was pregnant and nauseated) he asked me to move out after a couple more months so her teenaged children could move in.  I had two days to find a new place in a strange city with only a tiny income.  He did not help me move my belongings on the day I found another apartment. As the fellow from my job helped move my things into the back of his truck (for $50), my son, who had been watching TV in the living room the whole time, came out the door and said sarcastically, "Oh, I didn't know you were moving, I could have helped you get some of that stuff out."

[RedBearWoman]

Part 2 - My first husband never gave me child support without a big fight at the courthouse.  Never.  And he was never on time sending it.  But I carried on as best I could and I bought the clothing, paid for class trips, and bought the Christmas gifts on very small salaries.

Now, to son number three.  He was my baby.  His father disappeared for 6 months of my pregnancy.  When I told him I did not need him on one of his spontaneous guilty visits, he brought a preacher to my house and demanded that I marry him. (He had had two stillborn sons with former girlfriends, and my son was healthy and kicking and about to be born.)  His father brought his two daughters into my home without my consent and their mother decided to call and harass me constantly; I remained civil to her and kind to the girls (who had never had their ears cleaned with Q-tips or taught how to take showers by their mother - they dressed first and then went into the bathroom and "washed under their arms" with their clothes on, winter or summer.  The girls were sent by their mother to destroy my new home, the carpet, the newly-painted walls, my clothng and fur coat, my sons' shoes, my baby boy's milk formula and diapers, and to attempt to destroy my marriage to their father.  He had been divorced from her for over six years when we met. All attempts I made to keep the marriage intact and the girls safe, along with my sons were tossed aside by the refusal of my second husband to be a man and demand she leave us alone.  I could not bear the burdens of five children and no emotional support from him, so I divorced him and made him take his mean daughters with him.

For all those years, I fought for child support from my two older sons and my youngest son (whose father ran and hid for a year, putting  a years worth of his teacher's salary aside for a downpayment for a new home with his third wife, and never went to his son's practices or basketball or soccer games and never showed up to pick up his son on visitations for many years.  And yes, he never bought him Christmas gifts all those years.  He never gave him attention until I asked his third wife to please have him come to some games.  I call her my son's "other mom" because she is so kind to him, and made his father get involved.

I was there for my three sons. During the "Missing and Murdered Children" era in Atlanta; I fought for their safety, their health, their activities; I fought teachers who didn't treat them right, provided medical and mental health opportunities; I made them go to church, and enrolled them in a church school; I taught them to cook (although one son, the tallest, the heaviest, said "You never were a decent cook"), taught them to iron, to sew, I taught them how to drive, standard and stick shift cars; I helped them make  and present resumes from age 13; I gave them every opportunity I could and some I couldn't afford.  I pushed them to go to college.  I gave up trying to find a love/husband/man to satisfy my mental and physical needs because they were more important.

One hasn't spoken to me in several years.  One speaks to me only when he needs something; nothing I say is right; nothing I do is as good as anything he has done; and if I express an opinion, he wants to fight about it as if I have attacked him.   One speaks to me only when his lady friend allows him; anytime I say certain "trigger" words (and I never know what they are) he becomes abusive, angry and verbally violent and argumentative.  Today, I only asked how his brother was (who lives in his house for the time being); a ten minute tirade of accusations and defensive slurs against me came out of him; there was no way to explain (for I was guilty of nothing), so all I could do was say, "I've got to go; please be peaceful and get some rest.  I don't need to defend myself every time I ask you a simple question."  And gently hung up the phone.

I am alone in a senior citizen's apartment building and am not close to any of the people here (many of whom are marijuana smokers, drunks, and very loud). I moved here so I would not be bossed around or berated by my sons, but all I can do most days is to sleep, eat, watch TV, and poop.  Most of my friends have died or live out of state, and my income is so low (two of my sons refused to even give me $40/month to help) I cannot afford to do many activities away from the building.  Sometimes I wish I would not wake up.  The pain is too much and my heart actually hurts - I think I might have had a mild heart attack a few weeks ago, but I had no one to call to help me get to the hospital, so I just drank a lot of cold water and walked till the morning (it wasn't gas); my chest is still sore.

My sons do not check to see if I am alive; when I text or call "Hello" to them, they do not respond most times...I don't think I was a bad mother or a bad wife or bad daughter; my psychologist told me once I had let everyone run over me and to "stand up"...but then people are shocked when I do and say I'm mean.  I'm not asking for sympathy, just wanted to get this off my chest.  No need to condemn me or make fun.

[daphne756]

I have spent the last hour in tears reading these stories; such pain and sadness. As others have said, I never thought I would be in this same position but here I am now, trying to come out out of two years of tears and pain, and feeling I have to build a wall every day to in order to live my life day after day.

My 30 year old son untintentionally came out to me as being a gay man three years ago - he was experiencing an emotional breakdown and talked of suicide. My husband (his loving stepfather of many years) were devastated at his pain and frantic he would might take his life.  He agreed to see a counselor of his choosing-because of the suicide talk NOT because he is gay -  and our communication with him continued as before.

After a few months, though, he literally became a different person - I thought he was on drugs or experiencing some kind of psychotic break - it was that severe. He was fired from his job, left rambling voice mails which made no sense, and was verbally abusive. We tried to continue to help him financially and be supportive, but he continued to lash out.  After getting counselling myself (from two doctors) and many other terrible episodes, I stepped back from the verge of a nervous breakdown and we stopped communicating almost completely - except for the email saying that he hated me - that after I'd let him know that his grandmother had been just hospitalized.

Now that another year has passed in a blackout, I did get a call recently. He said he was sorry for being so mean in the past. I felt it was a great step forward for us;  we had a great conversation...but now we're just getting sarcastic email again.  Apparently no change.  

Neither my husband nor myself have an issue with him being gay - we love him and we know that we all have to be the people we were born to be - but we were so close in years past. It's like he's going through the rebellion he never went through as a teen, only worse.  My husband hates the way he's treated me & his grandparents, and I'm afraid there are wounds that will never be healed.

I don't know if there are good steps are bad steps to take to try to help, but one thing that has helped me is to try & think of him as another adult friend, not my son. Very hard!  Would I put up with this behavior from someone else? No. It's hard to do - love messes it up - but it has helped  to try to become more objective.

I've also gotten involved with a local non-profit.  If you want to ease the sadness in your world, try helping someone else who is grateful for even a small blanket or just a bowl of soup.

I'm hoping my son will come back to us,  not as he was before, but as a wonderful, happy man who wants to share in our family life. We'll welcome him with open arms.

[marymuff]

I sure could use that web site...I seem to be having a problem posting this...I'll try again.  Yes, the pain of my adult kids is literally destroying me.

[availablescrname]

I have the same situation as many of you.  Four grown sons who offer me little support or consideration.  I refuse to do a guilt trip or grovel.  I agree that the best course may be to distance myself and  build my own satisfactory relationships.

[Mindy006]

Hi

Availablescrname, I also have 4 grown sons who sound like yours.   I can ignore 3 of them and not let them bother me.   However, the 4th one and his 2 children live with us.   The mom walked out when the children were very young.   They are now 7 and 6.   I get along with them and we are very close.   I even homeschool them.   My son seems to resent this closeness that we have and he gets very nasty with me at times.   I'm not really sure how to deal with this.   I do not want to lose my grandchildren when they eventually move out.   It's pretty tough.   I've gotten past the other 3 and I just pray that I never need to depend on any of them.

[lyn716]

To those of you who are still giving money to your adult kids and/or allowing your adult kids to still live with you while they continue to treat you with disrespect.....tell them the well has gone dry and they will have to move and become a real adult.  Then take their bed down and do not allow them to ever live with you again.  Absolutely no one deserves to be treated with such disrespect.  If they take your grandkids from you, so be it, take their a$$ to court, there is a law it is called "Grandparents rights"  The can NOT legally take the kids from you, you have the right to see and be with your grandkids.now this varies from state to state, in some cases you can get custody of them, so read up on it, in your state.  Read this http://www.enotes.com/everyday-law-encyclopedia/grandparents-rights
but whatever you do, please do NOT allow anyone to treat you with disrespect, especially your own kid.

[annm777]

Just wondering how you folks are doing? I have a similiar story to tell, hence I can sympathise with you. :(

[Cyndilu]

I am a single Mom going what you have gone thru....my heart is broken...If you are interested I would like to tell you my story and learn how yours has turned out a couple years later..... Thank you

[themuffin]

I'm not sure where to begin.  I am so grateful to have found this site.  I cannot believe how terrible these stories are and yet they all hit home.  Never in a million years did I ever imagine that I would have a son who disrespects me and hates me.  The same son that I believed thought I was wonderful.  This 22 year old man used to be my hearts joy.  I didn't just think of us as mother and son, but as friends.  So why is that I am unable to get out of bed because we've had to throw him out for the second time.  Oh, and he's just so cold.  You'd think he was raised without love, without joy.  

He barely talks to me, but according to his girlfriend he talks about me.  Nothing good of course.  My son tells lies and he actually believes his lies.  

I spoke with him today and I told him that I didn't want us to hate each other.  He said he didn't hate me but I don't believe him.  He certainly doesn't treat me with love.  I think the girlfriend has turned him against me, but my heart says no one should be able to do that if he really loved me.  So I have two other sons and I'm so afraid that they just may decide to hate me to.  Funny thing is, just like all the rest of you on this forum, I thought I was a great parent.  Perfect, no.  But pretty dang good.  

He's out there and he doesn't want me to know where he's at.  He hasn't any assets.  I'm worried about him, but I know I need to let go.  Perhaps he just needs his space.  Last night as he was packing he said he was leaving and that he was never coming back to this house again.  

Wow! And all I ever did was love him his entire life.  I remember I would read to him the passage from the book, "I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, as long as  I'm living my baby you'll be".  I miss that person.

[seekwisdominside]

barbara 2

Hi, I'm another heart broken mum.
I would like to offer some reflection:

It is particularly true that we have to let go of this brightly painted, hoped-for picture of the children we wished or wish for and instead look with open eyes, with clarity and wisdom, at the ugly truth.
It’s the only way to move on, I believe.
We need to be proactive. MAKE the moves.

Often I think the attachment to our children is too much, too overwhelming. Particularly after reading so many of these posts, on this site and others, I find this confirmed, also after talking and trying to support fellow abused parents. Some true horror stories.

And yet – still we hope, still we try, still we bear abuse, still we cannot let go. “Hope dies last” – we hang on to it like drowning women.

In many cases we also define ourselves, our worth, by how the “kids” – who are no longer kids – turn out or how they treat us. How proud mothers can be at their children’s successes! How despondend are they when the children “fail” or turn out “bad”.

It has often been mentioned in threads like this that we DO have to look at the behaviour and respect of our children as if they were adult friends or other relatives. Most of us would stand that kind of atrocious behaviour from no-one! We would choose to remove ourselves from the situation.

Issues like loneliness and need also play a big role, particularly for older folks. Support, company, love and meaning can and need to be sought elsewhere, as the children do not offer any.

I am working very hard on myself to let go.
My own mind is what I need to take care of.
I work with meditation, wise reflection, positive affirmations and mindfulness. I acknowledge my feelings as clearly and honestly as possible. But I try not to identify with them. I know that everything is impermanent and that we do have the power and the wisdom to change our lives, if we train our minds in the right way, in a wholesome, healthy, wise way.

My heart reaches out to all of you. I have cried many tears over these stories. Broken hearts just like mine.

Life is full of suffering. That is a fact.
Over and over again we practice to face Life bravely, with courage and confidence in ourselves, with faith and trust in ourselves and the process.
Much Love to all of you.

[aBoysLlife]

thought I was alone with all of this, my 40 year old son doesn't like me either, but i did everything wrong and I guess he has a right to his feelings
and if I could have known better, would have done it all different...

I can feel all your pain, talking is good, but I don't think the pain of a child actively hating you will ever ever go away

[ltm888]

My son who is 32 yrs old has recently rejected me in his life, he told me that
I ruined his life, which I did Not ruin his life.  He is married and has 2 kids, and they're very cute,  This all just happened, my husband (not the father) and I have been married 9 yrs, and he was happy as could be when we got married.  This started about 4 1/2 yrs ago, his wife, I tried very hard to befriend her and make her always feel at home, taking her out to lunch ect, but I was never good enough for her or her family.  Her family treated me like I was a stray dog or something. I am very blessed to have a daughter still who wants a relationship and a wonderful christian husband.  So basically I put my son and the whole issue at Jesus feet, and gave him the situation, in this I find peace.  I do miss them and occasionally send them cards gifts ect.  but...know if I never see them again in this lifetime, because of the fact that I turned it over to the Lord, hopefully when I'm older and pass on I will see them there when they move on from this lifetime.  I have a wonderful peace knowing that God is in control and there is nothing I can do about it, but I know that God will and knows everything.  He knows that lies have been made up about me, and he knows how I've been treated, I don't need to defend myself anymore.  So whoever is out there with this same issue, please turn it over to the Lord, and don't let bitterness eat you up inside any longer.

God Bless

[disregarded_one]

     I am 65 years old and have a 37 year old son, who became estranged at age 18 when he went to live with his wealthy father.  My son thought he would be able to have this dream relationship with a man who never supported in any fashion the three children we had together.  My ex spent more money to keep from paying child support than it would have cost him to PAY the child support.  It was a surprise to me that my, then 18 year old was even in contact with his father, since the father never visited, called or anything.  From the time that my son went to be with his father who had one live in girl friend after another, he became distant.  He and his father had many problems and eventually the father tossed him out of his business and they were estranged.  I did what I could for my son as he was always in financial trouble.      He had several girlfriends but they always left. My son always had a reason that was the girl's fault because it didn't work out.  Holidays for the next years were always inconvenient for him to come to see me or his sisters that were still at home  because he was so busy courting his father's relatives so that he could receive financial benefits.   Four years ago after many futile attempts to reconnect with my son, I had come to the place that this was just the way it was.  Any attempt on my part to connect was met with some kind of resistance.   After being extremely close with my children when they were young, I had grieved to the point that I had to change myself, or I thought I had.
     Two of my daughters started to tell me that his wife of 8 years and my son were having very bad problems.  He had married a girl that was a problem from the time she was 12 who belonged to a family that had a mile long record of domestic problems.  She had also been a stripper at one time.  They had two daughters and she had a daughter 2 when they married.   I give this much detail because my son was a good kid, made good grades, was very close to me for he was my only son.  And yet he made the most horrific choices in his life, choices that always led to problems.  He did not learn this behavior at home and I swear, He had better judgement at 12 than I have seen him make as an adult.  I don't understand his thinking at all.
       Now back to four years ago, after having no time for me at all, after barely even knowing his children----he starts to call me to "just talk" which quickly turned into "let's talk about my problems" and the calls esculated to daily calls about his problems in his marriage.  His wife had started to drink and run around with other men.  He had been locked up once for domestic violence, and I found myself on the phne for hours at a time trying to advise him about the legal way to hndle these problems.  To make a long, long story short, they finally divorced.  But the drama never ends.  I have dropped everything I am doing to go and help his with his three daughters who have been through this awful mess.   When he first started to come to my house an hour away, the youngest two said to me, "...and what's your name?"  
      I have baby sat, went to clean his house, wash his clothes,stay over night with the girls because he has custody of themso that he would not loose his job when he had to go out of town.   So I SAW THIS as a opportunity to reconnect with my long lost son.   His sisters have helped him with light bills, car payments, groceries and I have given him money to help when it put me short.   His sisters have bought his childrens clothes for the last three years.  His wealthy father has given him ZIP!  His father's wealthy family has given him ZIP!  They live within 3 miles of his house, I live 50 miles away and yet if he has needed a sitter, I am who he called and I went.  In these four years he has not once been to my house on Mother's Day, Christmas, came once on Thanksgiving and was a total wreck.
   NOW TO THE GOOD PART!  I just learned that I will have to have emergency surgery next week. I called my 3 daughters to tell them and received what any person who is ill should receive from their children, verbal support!    I called my son and this is his exact words, "Mama you are going to have to come to my house after the operation or to the middle sisters house so that we can look after you because we can't drop- everything we are doing to drive an hour just to check on you"-----------------------No I'm not going to do that son, I'm just calling to let you know about it so you will know what is going on-----"Well, I can tell your going to do just what you want to"----His new wife was on speaker phone and I told him " You know your right , I'm going to do what is best for me and thank you for all your compassion and  you know, I don't think I have ever had someone to get angry when I told them about something like this that I can't help.  No I will not be coming to your house where there are four children and don't worry about coming to check on me I will be fine."  What a selfish piece of sh------- I have RAISED.  I believe that does it for me, if another word is spoken between us, it will be him calling me and I will not listen to anymore crap, no more mpney, time---Grow Up My SON.
    

[maryam2011]

oh my goodness, this has got tobe the end times. You know the scriptures does say that the children will turn from the parents(to paraphrase) I am 46 and is going through a similiar situation with my 23 yr old who's staying with me in an extended stay and is now just realizing that I am to be blamed for just about anything bad in his life!! Of course his father and I are divorced and you know the typical sngle mother looking out for the children and taking them away from the big bad wolf!! their father. I say we should leave them with the wolf and maybe they will appreciate us mothers better!!

[honey613]

i have the same issues my son was raised with so much love  ... he has become very disrespectful he curse he thinks because he's grown and live on his own that he can say and do what he want's around me this started when he was 19 he's 23 now told me to stay out of his life and i have been doing so im hurt and in pain he's my first son we was bf's we would talk all the time now since he lives on his on he don't want my advice about anything when he told me to stay out of his life and that he don't need me are want me in his life it broke my heart i have a granddaughter they bring her over and all i can  say is hi and kiss her the mom raps her arms around her so that i cant pick her up this is really upsetting the hurt of being treated like this i cant believe they  come to my house every week to visit his younger brother and sister he don't speak to me at all i go in my room and close my door and at this point i don't know what to do i want to speak but i feel he's my son out of respect he should speak i love my son and my sweet granddaughter at this point im ready to get my house key and tell him not to come in my house anymore .... any advice.

[shellyann60]

Hello...I was glad to read your post and also glad that other mothers have had the strength to ask for help.  I too have had my son recently tell me how much he hates me for divorcing his dad when he was 6 years old.  My son is now 38 and I now know that he has hated me for most of his life.  I had remarried to a wonderful man who helped me raise him with love, caring, wisdom with what we knew, support in all he did, etc.  His bilogical father was an alcoholic who abused me both physically and verbally. I have a daughter who is now 29 by my 2nd husband and raised her with my son.  He has resented her all these years as well  The pain I hold is so unexplainable...so difficult.  I know people say we must let go..I have allowed my son space and time.  I never have forced myself on him or his wife. My husband and I have supported every decision, supported them financially when they asked, and loved them....and now, he has expressed how much he hates me.  If you find anything in your life that has worked to ease this pain I am so willing to listen.  I am at the point of giving up the pain in some way.  Thank you for your courage to post this.

[maycat547]

I,too am in the situation where I raised my son with love,kindness and attention only to be treated now with indifference and hostility.I don't understand it....we were really close when he was growing up,did everything together.He was a caring,sweet,thoughtful child.As soon as he hit 18....it all changed.I thought it was just one of those growing up things,that he would eventually find his way back.He is 29 now and I am still waiting.He has a wife,whom I adore,and 2 beautiful daughters.I am lucky to have a good relationship with them,but his obvious dislike of me is so confusing and hurtful.I keep thinking back ....what did I do to him that made him dislike me so much,and can find no answeres.His father and I went through a rough patch about 10 years ago,and all I can think is that he heard some of the arguments,and possibly blames me for the trouble we were having.I have given him everything...love,financial help,bought them food when they needed it,let him borrow my cars when they were down to one....I never even get a birthday or mothers day card.He treats me like I have a contagious disease ,looks at me with disdain,and flinches when I try to show him any affection.He is selfish,when we were generous,thoughtless,when we were thoughtful,insensitive and controlling.I finally realized...I did what I could.This is his problem,not mine.He doesn't seem to like anyone,and pretty soon....no one will like him and he will be old and alone.It breaks my heart.

[Cornwall11]

Hi I have found this site today and I am so amazed at all the pain and heartache.  Let me tell my story.  My son brought a girlfriend home and because he loved her I did my best to make her feel welcome, at Christmas I would give her really nice presents which I hoped would make her feel special. After one visit I received a phone call from my son saying that his girlfriend said I was trying too hard. I felt like I had been stabbed but decided to back off a bit, a while later another phone call to say that his girlfriend said I had rejected her.  My son had a passing out parade my husband and I (not his father) attended. We went into a refreshment building before the parade and saw that his girlfriend was talking with a few people so rather than interrupt we decided to get a cup of tea. When the parade was due to start we looked for her to join us outside, but no sign of her. After the ceremony she joined us for a minute and then disappeared again.  Later on I got a phone call from my son to say that we had rejected her and ignored her, both untrue.  They decided to get married, I was not given any part in the planning of the wedding etc even though I gave my son some money. The wedding was awful, my daughter in lawn did not speak to me. My son did not mention me in his speech. I was made to feel an outsider and it was heartbreaking. I asked please could I see the wedding photos so I could choose some to be told that they had sent them back.   A few months after their wedding I went around to their house as I was so desperate to sort things out. At first my son and his wife were very pleasant and I started to relax and to be thankful that perhaps things were ok. However, my son said lets stop the nicey niceys' at this my daughter in law started to say I had done this and I had done that and demanding I apologise.  You know it felt like someone had stabbled me a dozen times, in fact I started to shake, I was crying and I was in a terrible state.  My daughter in law just sat there and my son also, neither of them did anything about my distress.  His wife became pregnant and I was so pleased for them, they had a scan, I asked to see the scan and was told there were not enough copies.  When the baby was born I rushed to the hospital,laden with flowers a big balloon and lots of gifts. I told her was a clever girl she was etc.  I did not see much of my grandson. When he was christened i was not allowed to hold him and have no photos of him on that day. Then I was invited to his 2nd birthday party, I was delighted, but a week before that when I rang their home to congratulate her on her choice of new home, I was verbally abused by  his wife and once again I was in floods of tears.  I still went to the party and my grandson was so lovely even at two he made a real fuss of me, kept coming for me to see his toys and brought me food from the table.  Anyway, I was told by my sons wife that I had not spoken and had been rude at the party, which was not true.;

I did back off for a while because of this but continued to send my grandson, cards and presents.  However, I received a text to say that they had decided that as I had not seen my grandson for a while that i should not see him again. I was heartbroken, I sent a text to my son asking where the compassionate guy had gone as I did not recognise him to be accused by his wife of sending abusive messages. I rang my son so upset was i, he put his wife on and she really went to town. I said that one day she would have grandchildren and she would know how awful it was not to see them, she replied 'well you wont be around then will you'.  I was so heartbroken that I went out with my dogs and asked God to kill me.  It has taken me a couple of years to try and deal with all the anguish etc. However, I heard that they were expecting another baby this July. did not know when.  They have had a girl and no photos and no invitation to see her.    When I was younger I got pregnant and would not have an abortion and at that time I felt that the baby should be adopted. A guilt and grief I have had to bear. However, last year I got in touch with my son who was adopted and we started e-maling etc; we were at the stage when we were going to meet.  However, he got in touch with my son and his wife and told me that my daughter-in-law had told him what I was like so now he does not want to speak or have anything to do with me. I will leave it your imaginations to realise how devastating  this was. I have recently learnt that he has met my son and his wife.  Please someone help, I am in such a dark place.

[Cornwall11]

Hi can you tell me whether this site is still operational as I see that most of communication is from 2008/9 and I have posted something and no replies.

Thanks

[familyof9]

Having just discovered this site yesterday, I don't know if it is operational either.  It is somewhat disconcerting and yet helpful as well to know that there are many other parents who are experiencing the deep pain of grief because of their children's rejection of them.

It seems that your DIL has not respected you since the beginning, and your son has allowed her to do so.  Apparently, she has called the shots from day one.  That disrespect should have been nipped in the bud right then and there.  Your love for your son prevented you from standing up for yourself and demanding the respect you deserve as his mother.

We are all on a journey in this life.  We were purchased at a great price and belong to God.  We choose the path we take to either love God or not.  It's obvious by their actions who have turned their backs on God.  When His children turn their backs on Love Itself, He lets them go; He does not force Himself on anyone. He doesn't need us; we need Him.  We as parents represent that relationship.  We gave our children life, food, shelter, clothing and, most of all, the incomprehensible love we will always have for them.  You also gave your adopted son life and, as difficult as it must have been, a material life you could not give him at the time he was born by placing him in the arms of others you trusted would raise your son well.  We also have to remember that we ourselves cannot forsake God.  We lead by our example, even if that means we have to detach ourselves emotionally from what we hold most dear in life, our own children, because God comes first.  We belong to Him first and foremost.  All we can do is the best we can do and let God do the rest.  After doing all we can do, all that is left is to pray.  Pray every day to the Blessed Mother of all that she will lead us all home to God.  It may takes years, but hopefully, before they die, our children will open their eyes to the truth and amend their lives before it is too late.

[Cornwall11]

Thank you so much for replying to my post and for your understanding and comforting words.  Yes how right you are that my dil disrespect should have been nipped in the bud by me or my son.  They have just had another baby and I dont think they will let me see her as I have not been allowed to see my grandson for over 2 years for no reason. However, I was reading where it says not to be overcome by evil but overcome evil with good. So I have sent them some presents for the baby, books for my grandson and a very nice card of congratulations.   I think however, they may see that as weakness and think that because they have been so cruel and uncaring to me I still send them presents. I must admit I do get a bit confused about this - am I rewarding bad behaviour by sending these presents and being loving?

[familyof9]

Hi, I sent a reply to you a little while ago, but it never posted.  Don't know why.  Anyway, I hope this post gets to you.

Yes, even though your DIL and son still disrespect you, you cannot let that interfere with your life.  It's obvious they desperately want to live a life separate from yours.  You cannot change that, so let them go.  Hopefully, in time your son will realize his mistake and contact you.  You have done all that you could.  That's all you can do.  The ball is in their court now.  Sending your grandchildren gifts and a card was a lovely way to show your love for them because of the new baby and for your grandson.  If anyone would think that was a sign of weakness, there is something wrong with them.  None of us can control what others think of us.  We need to get past that.  In your heart you know you did what was right.  Defining how to overcome evil with good is difficult, isn't it?  Life is messy.  It's time to get on with your life now and set an example for how you want your children to live their lives.  The humiliation needs to end now.

[BLESSEDnvrstessed]

WHEN SOMEONE WONT TREAT YOU WITH RESPECT THEN YOU MUST MAKE A CHOICE TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. THIS CHILD IS GROWN AND YOU CANT MAKE HIM BE WHAT YOU WANT. ALL YOU CAN DO IS STOP HIM FROM BEING IN YOUR LIFE UNTIL HE GROWS UP AND DECIDES TO LIVE  IN THE HERE AND NOW. I HAVE ONE WHO IS THE SAME BUT I CUT OFF THE CONNECTION AND THEN TURNED IT OVER TO GOD HE HAS RESPECT WHEN WE TALK NOW BECUZ I CAN CUT OUT THE POISON THAT COMES INTO MY LIFE . YOU CANT CHANGE ANYTHING YOU CAN ONLY LIVE IN TODAY. SO PRAY AND SEEVER THE TIES UNTIL CAN  TREAT U RIGHT. U WILL BE HAPPIER IF YOU STAND UP AND STOP THE INSANITY.

[Joxjo]

Thank you for sharing your stories, it is very healing, I have two sons both are angry that I wasn't rich enough, I wasn't perfect enough, I wasn't educated enough etc etc, the oldest though he has those thoughts, thanks me for what I taught him, because he took those lessens and became a successful person, while the kids he grew up with, who thought I was sooo mean because I taught him to work for what he wanted and made him sit and study before play, are now living at home, drunks and drugged, So I did my job.

Of course I'm so uncool, and of course his wife hates me and rolls her eyes at me, and of course she wouldn't be successful if it weren't for my son teaching her what I taught him and him taking care of her, though I have never said a word about it, so they stay away, I'm an unacceptable person in their new life of riches and society.

As for my younger who has a completely opposite personality, whom I did my best to teach the same, and fought me since he was a toddler because all he wanted to do is chase after his older brother instead of sitting for a few minutes to learn, does all he can to tell everyone what a victim he is, yet, when people get tired of him they cut him off, and on to the next bunch he goes, until he hits rock bottom and when he figured that he has to grow up and do the work for himself, which I am glad he figured out because he is back in college and back working, but he still treats me like crap and continues the "victim" rant.

I'm not perfect and have made mistakes, but nothing to call the police or psychologists about. Except, I wasn't able to protect them from the world and others once they grew up or when they where rebellious and got themselves in trouble.

But I did the best I could to to be there for them and direct them to a better path. And like the rest of you I gave up my life, to strengthen the family unit. And like the rest of you I did my job, and they moved on and made their own family unit which does not include me. Some of that is my fault because I refused to be manipulated by them and trashed in order to have a relationship with them, maybe my skin isn't thick enough to endure that type of constant abuse.

Either way, their horrid behavior, had it's effects on my health, and I decided that though I love them, and though I'm proud of them in so many ways... I DON'T LIKE THEM! AND THEY ARE ABUSIVE TO ME, And before I completely hate them, I have cut them off from my life, if it is possible for a mom to hate her own kids, I kind of doubt it, but it is getting pretty close to it. does it hurt? heck yes it hurts deeper than anything I've ever ever experienced. but I am responsible to handle that hurt the day I conceived, and yes If I knew than what I know now, I would have never had kids, was it worth it? I let you know on the last day that I take breath, but today, I say no.

Maybe in 20 years my children will be on a forum asking, "why does mom hate me so much? Mom is missing the grandchildren growing up. It hurts sooo bad!"

Screw them! I'm getting on with my life without them, and chalk it up to experience. Of course they will be in my prayers for life, but that is about it.

I can't have a relationship that is only one sided, If they ever want to know mom again, they will have to grow up and reach out themselves.
But seriously, I doubt they will in the next 20 or 30 years, because I have nothing to give them that they value, such as social and money, and that is what is important to young adults.

[Useless5]

I am a mother of a 27 yr old soldier who has veen in iraq and is now in afghanistan he is home on mid tour has not called us and told us if we wanted too come see him instead of meeting halfwsy which is a fiftern hr drive for us and healtj prob too boit buy we would have too wait till a few days before he leaves before we come..have had many lies tpld one and dtinls ways too much nn I just cant seem too do anything right hes married and has a son who is two weve seen very little of

[familyof9]

Your story could be mine!  My two older sons, ages 23 and 21, are angry because I believe in God and have morals and values different from theirs, which is complete moral relativism.  My  eldest son ignores me/thinks I'm insane.  My 21 year-old has an incredible contemptuous hatred of me.  Like you, I taught my boys to be self-sufficient and responsible.  I also gave them everything I could so they could have a happy, secure, loving childhood.  I thought they would grow into noble, honorable men.  What a fool I was!

My two sons have completely opposite personalities also.  My younger son fought with me over everything.  He argued with me constantly.  The disrespect and contempt for me became so bad that I had to kick him out of the house a month ago.  Since then the verbal abuse, lies, hatred and utter disrespect has gotten worse.  He plays the victim game with other people very well.  What they must think of me I can't possible imagine.

Like you, I wasn't able to protect them from the world.  I had hoped that I built a strong enough foundation to withstand the errors of the world.  Unfortunately, they fell for it lock, stock, and barrel.  

I agree with you that, in order to protect myself, I need to cut them out of my life as well.  Yes, it hurts very much.  But to continue on this path would be worse.  I will pray for them for the rest of my life.  As long as they're alive, there's hope.  I will hold on to that hope.

[NeneLe]

I am always reminded of this commandment, "Love your neighbors as you love YOURSELF." We oftentimes forget how to love ourselves and we so desperately seek to find that love in others but we end up getting hurt because the love we give is not reciprocated or appreciated.  For me, to love oneself would mean to step back and not hold on to things we do not have control of.  If children don't show love or give respect, then we cannot force them to do so.  We can only let them go and surrender everything to God.  There are a lot of people in this world who are hurting and who feel alone, we can look for them and share our presence and concerns with them and turn our attention to things that give life and hope and not be remorseful over things that we cannot change.  We, can however, pray for them, and stay open to the possibility of reconciliation if the child seeks it.  Love is not forced. It is always a choice.  If children choose not to love their parents anymore, that's a decision (with corresponding consequences) they have to live with for the rest of their lives. But as parents, we cannot just allow anyone (even our own kids) to abuse, hurt and make us feel less of a person or unworthy.  They do these kinds of negative actions just because they can and we let them to.  It is imperative to show them that we love ourselves enough to back off and let go so we could restore our self confidence, self-worth and self-respect.  If we decide to love ourselves, then people would see that and those who understand would respect and cherish us. God bless us all.

[mildred997]

"Nenele" gave very valuable comments that I have already attempted to actively do.
I understand the vapid emptiness that comes with wondering what ? happened to that wonderful person I knew so well just last summer. How my life has turned upside down since then. Reach out to others and it does help.  Others value me although the one person, my child, appears to only do it conditionally.  How I miss the person I formerly knew, & pray and love unconditionally the one who they have become.  It is VERY hard to love in that manner, & only with God's help have I been able to.
My best thoughts, prayers, & wishes to all of us in our shared grief.

[familyof9]

Half-Past Three

My friend has a yacht, a house by the sea,
but I have a boy who is half-past three.

I have no jewels, no satin gown,
But I have a boy who is butter-nut brown.

My friend has an orchid, my friend has a rose,
But I have a boy with a freckled nose.

O gull, tell the waves that I have no yacht.
Wind, tell the wild forget-me-not.

That I have no jewels, no shimmering gown,
No satin slippers, no pillows of down.

But I have a robin, a wind-swept hill,
A pocket of dreams, a heart to fill,

And I have a boy who is half-past three--
A little lad who looks like me.

Emily Carey Alleman

But now my little boy is all grown up and hates me.

[Mickey_9]

It sounds like you might be suffering from mental illness.  The depression, obsessing etc.  Suggests you need professional help.  Reality is if he has stated he wants nothing to do with you then you are obligated to respect this and not violate his boundaries.  Persistence only proves persistence not love.  If you continue to seek support the way you have all you are getting is outsiders trying to make you feel better but a giving you the wrong idea about what he is supposedly thinking/feeling rather than hearing HIM.  This may be a hard habit to break for you but sometimes people who have been estranged look for people to support the idea that that rejection you are experiencing isn't the real deal.   Best you get help and move on and find healthier way to deal with your grief.

[familyof9]

You can tell a great deal about a man by how he treats his mother.

Are you a mother?  Have you ever felt the natural, maternal love that cannot compare to any other love that a mother has for her child?  Have you ever felt the heartache when a child rejects his mother's love?

What are your credentials?

[gillian00]

I read through most of these.  Has anyone found counseling that helped deal with the problems?  My issue relates to 20 year old son 18 year girlfriend and new baby.  They asked if she could live here with baby.  First month went well and the last two months are unbearable because girlfriend is angry at me all the time and son is not working, addicted to video games, and very rude and controlling toward me and our home.

The video game issues have been for a long time, and have been a constant fight. When the girlfriend came along about 2 years ago, he quit the games, but there were big issues about wanting to have sex here and moving to fast (his first serious girl).  Once she got pregnant he went back to playing video games.  They both have issues and are angry at me all time.  My son has anger issues and throws things and name calling etc. if I tell him he needs to stop the video games or to do something a little differently in the house.  I am married to his stepfather who he treats better but still gets upset if my husband comes to my defense.  

The last time I brought up the the video games (he has just started back to school, but doesn't apply himself at all), he threatened to leave (among many other mean things he said) and that I would never see my grandson again.  They are both using the baby as weapons against me.

I have helped with the baby when asked but try to keep a stand back approach.  But of course I enjoy holding him and interacting, and they are not allowing this at all, and basically ignore my pressence.  

I have to figure out a way to get my son out of the house without a big blow up.  My health and my marriage are suffering.  It breaks my heart, to be treated this way, and to know they can very well use the baby and withhold him from me.  And like many others, I have tried very hard to be supportive, providing a home, food, and baby items, maternity clothes etc.  

So back to the original question--has anyone used a counselor to help them deal with how this situation is affecting them?  I went to one and she suggested that I needed to try to improve and repair the relationship.  I have been so very nonconfrontational and accepting with the situation and past experience indicates that they will deny there is a problem or treat me badly, and I am already way to beat down and depressed to take any more of that.

[Mindy006]

Hi,

I hope that at least some of you are doing better.   Things continue to get worse here.   My son (has 2 children) who lives with us has a new fiance.   She has 3 children.   She was nice to me at first, but is now rude.   She dismisses me by ignoring what I have to say.   If I talk, she will start talking to her kids or to my son and she ignores what I have to say.   My son is trying to pull my grandchildren away from me.    I cannot wait for them to get married so that my son leaves our house.    I just hope I don't lose my grandchilren in the process.   My son talked about wanting one big happy family, but it seems like that includes everyone but me.   He won't even let my granddaughter sit with me at Church anymore.   He insists he wants all the children together in the back.   It's all so hurtful and I am SO tired of crying over it all.    I think that once my son leaves it might get better for me.   However, his fiance is pregnant, so that's another issue.   At least, I can make it a point not to get attached to the baby.  I am sick of being used.   I don't do my son's laundry, but I do my grandchildren's laundry.   If I don't, it doesn't get done and they have nothing to wear.   I have stopped buying them new clothes and we have cut off any money to our son.   The tension on the weekends is so horrid.   It was my birthday recently and 3 of my boys just ignored it-----including the one living with us.    It's not that I want an expensive gift, but just some little thing that shows they care or at least remember.  (Mother's Day is always the same way.)  The new fiance sent an email but no gift or card.   A month ago I gave her a few lovely gifts for her birthday.    That is the last time for that.   I think we just plain did too much for our kids.   It's so disturbing to see awful way they treat me.     I have always heard that a man will treat his wife the way he treats his mother.   But my boys are all absolutely wonderful to their wives/girlfriends.   Not sure what that means.

No, I have not tried counseling.   I really can't afford it and none of my family would agree to go.   My health is also suffering.   Hopefully, I can hang in here for a few more months.   My son and I used to be so close when he was younger.   It's so sad to lose that, but I can no longer stand the stress.   It breaks my heart to see so very many of us in such pain------especially when the pain is caused by those who should love and care about us.  

[tinamreese]

hi, read all the stories. so sad. im going through the same thing. first my daughter 24 met a man on the computer a school teacher 52 and married him. everything was good till they had there first daughter. she lived with me till nevaeh was 7 months old then he wanted them to come live with him. he was married at the time. so then i didnt get to see my granddaughter nomore. he picked so bad on me she would cause so many problems and lied so bad. i had a break down and had to get on medicine. 2007. just this year we started talking again. but she had a baby boy i didnt know about. they are 4 and 16 months. i missed so much of there life. now my son 25 he has put me through so much for years. he has bipolar wont take his med. so he self medicates by beer and drugs. i have done so much for my kids. i never raised them to do this. he controlls all his girl friends, wont let them do anything. he cheats, abuses them. he punches his fist up against my face. calls me horrible names.this last weekend he went to jail for 3 days for dui. he not talking to me again. he said he hates me. he was pushing me in parking lot and gave me whip lash, it hurts so bad, numb arms, fingers. so stressed out. he said he will never tell me sorry. i cant take it nomore. i dont know how to cut off the money. it seems like i try to buy there love and i need to stop it. i cry myself to sleep all the time asking god to take me. can anyone help me? i need advise. i have a very big heart. thanks

[Avina2011]

Hi Mary Lou,
I feel your pain. I sympathise with you. I wish I could give you a solution but I can't. I don't know what to do myself. I am in the middle of an awful divorce and my beloved children have broken off all contact with me and I am going out of my mind over it. I just can't turn off my feelings. I can't beIieve this is happening to me. I love them. I write to them but they never reply. I had to leave the house because of the laws of the country I am living in and since then they have totally taken the side of the man I was married to and his mother. They don't see me as having any rights.  I used to think I got on well with them. The pain is excruciating. I hope things work out well for you. I am sure you were a good mother. From what you write, you seem like a good person.  Anyway, I wish you well. We don't know what is in the future. Maybe, things will work out, for you and for me. Good luck.

[Avina2011]

I couldn't breathe as I read this because what you wrote is just exactly what I feel. The only differences are that I don't have grandchildren and my children were daughters. Everything else you write, I could have written too. I also stayed in an awful marriage for my childrens' sake, thinking it was the right thing to do. And while my husband made me terribly unhappy, my children brought me great happiness. Now they have cut off all contact with me. I can't stand the pain sometimes. At least we are not alone. No matter how awful we feel, there are other people in the world who feel the exact same. Let us just hope that things will improve some day, for us and for everyone else with the same problem.  

[Ronda5]

I went to see my 25 year old son who has a girlfriend-not engaged, but stay together.
I seen her car in front of a bar....I went in and was not really mean, just advised her that while my son was at work, she needed to be home, and not all souped up in the bar....apparently she is a drinker.   As for my son, I don't believe he is a "drinker".  She is 22, and already into the bar scene-he supports it and tells me and flies off at me in front of her....taking her side.
I just simply told both of them that I suspected they "she" drove under the influence to get home.
My son went off on me...in front of her, he disrespected me and then she had her say as well.
What is wrong with this picture?  Someone help me.  They are not engaged and I do not want my son marrying a drinker.

He was reared in a Christian home.  Well, not to drink like "she" is drinking.

[Ronda5]

I went to see my 25 year old son who has a girlfriend-not engaged, but stay together.
I seen her car in front of a bar....I went in and was not really mean, just advised her that while my son was at work, she needed to be home, and not all souped up in the bar....apparently she is a drinker.   As for my son, I don't believe he is a "drinker".  She is 22, and already into the bar scene-he supports it and tells me and flies off at me in front of her....taking her side.
I just simply told both of them that I suspected they "she" drove under the influence to get home.
My son went off on me...in front of her, he disrespected me and then she had her say as well.
What is wrong with this picture?  Someone help me.  They are not engaged and I do not want my son marrying a drinker.

He was reared in a Christian home.  Well, not to drink like "she" is drinking.

[molly1680]

Few words, but exactly how I feel as well, as soon as my son finishes his HSC in four weeks, he can go too.  My husband died two years ago and I have  tried my very best with him, but he is verbally abusive towards his younger sister and myself and was so years before my husband died.  The past two years especially has been an emotional as well as financial nightmare, but it is wonderful reading everyone's comments to know that there are other people out there who just seem to have a child who simply doesn't like them, and are advising that we really have  done our best and have to look after ourselves.  Life is just too short.  My husband always used to say that I tried too hard with my son - maybe I have - but it worries me that my son thinks of it as a weakness and treats both my daughter and I with such disdain, verbal abuse and disrespect.  

[molly1680]

Few words, but exactly how I feel as well, as soon as my son finishes his HSC in four weeks, he can go too.  My husband died two years ago and I have  tried my very best with him, but he is verbally abusive towards his younger sister and myself and was so years before my husband died.  The past two years especially has been an emotional as well as financial nightmare, but it is wonderful reading everyone's comments to know that there are other people out there who just seem to have a child who simply doesn't like them, and are advising that we really have  done our best and have to look after ourselves.  Life is just too short.  My husband always used to say that I tried too hard with my son - maybe I have - but it worries me that my son thinks of it as a weakness and treats both my daughter and I with such disdain, verbal abuse and disrespect.  

[ria49]

I cant believe what I am reading! I too am going through the exact same thing with my son! I have cried a river and nothing I have done has ever been enough, my own mother tells me to get on with my life that my son is now a grown man and I did my best, but like you I am distraught! I know the pain you are both feeling so well. And I totally know and understand every word you are saying. What we are to do I do not know, as like you I have done everything I possibly can. The pain is so bad and the tears never seem to dry up. Thinking of you Both during this dreadful time x

[ria49]

To Every Heartbroken Mum, we are all united in our Pain, together may we all find the love, courage, and strength we all so badly need to repair our Broken Hearts. x

[mcg64]

You could be telling my story. My youngest son (age 41) will not call me. The only time that we are together, I make the move and invite them over or they feel guilty and invite me over. This is a rare occasion. He and his wife of three years have nothing to do with me unless they have to.

I was married to his father for 27 years in an emotionally abusive relationship because I needed to stay for the children, then his father left with the latest woman that he had been involved with during our marriage. I was a "hang right in there" parent. with my children. My ex husband had little to do with the children during the marriage or after it. He lived his own life.

Now that my son has married he has adopted his wife's parents as his own. I hear about them doing fun things together. I'm never invited or included in their lives. I have not done anything to hurt them but, when my children were small I had depression and migraines often. I don't know if he is holding that against me or not.  I had a hard time, but I didn't leave because knowing that I could not raise my sons on my own financially.

I have asked him if I have done anything to make him mad at me. He says no but then acts like he hates me. I live alone and my other son and daughter in law live far away. They are supportive and call me.

From what I am reading, I think the best thing that I can do is to stop contacting them at all. I will go to my sister's at Thanksgiving and I will go somewhere else at Christmas. My heart is just broken, though. Every time I think of him, I'm in tears.

mcgriffin64

[sue158]

my son has a new baby I never ask him for anything never have done hes 34 I have given him lots in his life and in my eyes been a good mum.
the other night I sent him a text saying "can I ring " as i didnt want to wake the baby
he sent one back saying no im busy with the baby then going to bed .
For all he new i could have been lying at the bottom of the stairs or anything .
Has anyone anything to say about this .
I feel so hurt .

[vstotc]

I too have a son who hates me. I have been struggling for many months now on how to deal with this, Im losing sleep, nothing makes me smile anymore it seems to be affecting every aspect of my life. I think I know what the problem is, his father whom Im still married to was never a good father, he was in the military so he would be gone alot and when he was home he really wasnt there. Never did anything for his kids. My son wanted his father I would try to compensate for him and he would just push me away. My son had ADHD and I raised him mostly without medication and he probly should have been on it, he was very difficult to raise always fighting with his sisters never really had friends cause no one could stand to be around him. He is now 23 years old and still lives with us, were in an apt and hes on the lease so I cant legaly kick him out. I try to do everything I can for him but he just pushes me away a few months ago he tried to buy a car but couldnt get financed so I financed it for him, these are the things I do but I continually get spit upon by him I have never ever in my life seen a child totaly disrespect a parent like my son does to me, he tells people I beat him as a child OMG no I did not I may have busted his butt a few times but he was not abused. His father just  sits there and totaly disrepect me and and dosent do anything cause he doesnt want to cause waves, but its ok for me to cry, just this last Sunday I really had a melt down I cant take it anymore Im so sick  of it.  I told my husband I cant even look at him as my husband anymore I have lost any emotional ties to him what kind of man allows a child to treat his wife like that, he says he doesnt want to create wave because he is afraid he will move out and right now financially were not doing ok, but at this point I dont care let him go I can go with out cable Ive done it before I'll even get a second job if I have to, Im at such a loss right now I just dont know what to do

[blackhatdialina1]

you know I have read so many of these stories and I think to myself what the hell is the matter with our kids now days, they have grown into selfish uncaring inconsiderate adults that have to respect or compassion for the ppl that raised them & brought them into the world.  I am appaled at the stupid advice given by those who think they know more than the next person about how to be nicer or more understanding and what not or even the so called psycological opinion.  It is all stupid,  kids today are not being taught respect for their parent, grandparents, elders, teachers etc.  all they seen to know anymore is they have to be cool or have the most expensive designer shoes, pants, shirts.  They are not learning anything about values or kindness and all the people that differ can differ, but that is my opinion & that is why our kids are mean to us and disrespectful as adults.  My mom was strict when I was growing up and I still treat her with respect.  our kids just find excuses to be total brats now days.

[practical206]

i totally agree with you my son treats me like crap .he takes it all from me .he is 26 and a weak man

[lidia695]

Seems to be an epidemic these days with parent-child estrangements.It also seems to be very common with sons.My relationship with my son is heading toward estrangement.He is married with two children also.I don't blame his spouse,she is the only one who will acknowledge any communication from me.Texts aren't returned,e mails either and the only time my son wants to talk with me is when he is having a marital problem or other issues.

I don't text or call often as I don't want to interfere with their lives and have decided the next time he calls me up to complain about his marriage he will be told "I hope things improve,good luck".

I am careful what I say as it is but I am tired of the one sided relationship.I am also tired of disrespect,verbal abuse and emotional outbursts.There is a mental illness issue with my son and alcohol problems as well.He's been to counselors in the past but the only person who can decide he needs help and get it is my son.

It's hard and has caused me many sleepless nights but have come to the conclusion if I continue to bend over backwards to reach this child my mental,physical health and marriage will deteriorate.

My son's father and I are divorced and I acknowledge we both failed our son because of this.Either of us were perfect parents.Being a perpetual victim however is doing my son no good at all.

He also has no problem being disrespectful to me in front of his children who are thankfully too young to understand it except for the tone.To be taught to be disrespectful to family members through example is what I fear my grandchildren will learn and one day dish out the same to my son and their mother.I also fear they will be taught to treat me the same as my son does.Although that will hurt me I am more concerned with the damage it could cause the grandchildren and may have to go the route of walking away as difficult as that will be.

As I've admitted his father or I  either one were perfect.He is all about his Dad though,receives help from his Dad, including babysitting services and his Dad and wife have money.

My husband and I do ok but we aren't as well off.We send or bring the grandchildren birthday,Christmas gifts and I have sent items to them other wise but due to living a distance away I can't give the babysitting services.

My son has always followed the money so to speak and I suspect when my ex's wife burns out doing so much for son and the grandchildren his attitude toward his father will change.My ex and his wife work long hours,especially the wife.Her career is extremely demanding and how long she will be able to keep the help up is debatable.

He has already complained to me a few things his Dad "did"
to make him angry.Things which to me are very small,petty and disrespectful of the fact his Dad and his wife are making sacrifices to help him and his children.He has also stated he wanted to move away from everyone but the fact is my son and his spouse can't make ends meet or run their life without help from family.

I have slowed down that help as it only enables him and I can't afford to help pay rent,provide basic everyday needs to the children,food,etc.They provide that much help,yes.

I don't have it but his Dad and other family do and they give it.I will send to the grandchildren a little bit until I am forbidden to do so. I'm sure that will be next.Its to the point I am stopping sending my son anything at all as its not appreciated,no thank you,nothing.Helping him too much over the years from many family members is a huge part of the problem.He feels entitled to it and I have heard him demand things from my Mother and she gives,gives,gives and defends him no matter what he says or does.He has been bailed out of one mess after another.

I can't change or talk sense into my Mom but I can stop doing so myself and am.Over compensating by giving backfires,it teaches nothing but dependency,disrespect and it's ok to use your family as doormats.This holiday I will send a card and wishes for happy holidays but there will be no gift.What the result of that decision will be remains to be seen.

[LookingEast]

Hi. I just spent about an hour in tears reading all these stories. It's very sad to read about all us moms who have lost the love, respect, or communication of and with, our children.
My son is 23. He grew up very loved in a modest home. I kept lines of communication open and spent a lot of time with him, even through his college years. My daughter is six years younger at 17 years of age and always felt I loved my son more than her due to the fact that my son and I seemed to talk about so much and share many activities.
After college my son came home almost a stranger. He was secretive and showed little interest in being with his sister or me. He wanted only to find a job QUICKLY and move out. Even though he had a 4.0 GPA honors degree get said he would work as a telemarketer just to get out. I bought him his first car, a used Dodge and he got a job and moved out. Before he left I asked him to tell me what the URGENCY was for him to leave. He kept saying nothing. I asked him if he were seeing someone; he in finally admitted he was.
To make a very long story short, my son was seeing a 43 year old married woman and had been since the summer of his first year of college.
Needless to say I was stunned with this news and did blow up at him. I said some things I truly regret but made it clear to him that I loved him very much, that he always had a place in my home and that I blamed "her" for taking advantage of my son.
She soon after broke it off with him and had no intention of leaving her home and husband to live as paupers with my young son.
My son struggled with his pain Over this and kept a large distance between us. Within six months our home finally sold after three years on the market and we left the state. My son opted to stay back in Texas with his friends and job and put off going to grad school.
He also started drinking and going to those all night Rave parties.
He comes from a long line of alcohlics and had promised never to drink to avoid that fate.
He came to visit us in Pennsylvania last Christmas and his drinking came up. Within eight hours he took off at 1 am and went o the airport to retun to Texas on Christmas eve instead of spending it with us. His sister and I were devastated.
Before he left I asked him why he was so distant and he told me he no longer thought we had a mother child relationship.
I was crying and asked him why he thought that.
He told me it was because I had gotten so angry about his girlfriiend two years before (the 43 yr old married woman) and that I did not show unditional love.
That is the last time I saw him. He does not write or call me or his sister who needs him so much since moving and who is going through all the things he went thru getting ready for college etc.
He calls for a minute or two on mother's day and birthdays but has stopped emailing me, or sharing anyof his life with me.
Prior to this we would shop, cook, go to movies together and talk all the time.
I miss him more than I can say.
I know I hurt him by disapproving of that married woMan but I had hoped that by now, nearly two years later he would understand why.
As I write this I wonder if all this is all my fault? I can't see myself being supportive of my then 19 year old son having been seduced and taken advantage of by this older married woman but should I have accepted it? I told him since he was still living in my house when it was going on that it was wrong of him to do it and he should have come forward and been honest with me and moved out before he had this adulterous affair under my roof. Was I wrong? I raised him to be open and honest and was always so happy with him and proud of him.
I can see on Facebook he still drinks And goes to these Rave parties. He has a decent job but the people he now hangs with all drink, smoke and party. some tell me this is just a phase but it's been two years ...

[4Boots]

Well, in my experience, I feel like we almost have to go down to their level in order to cope with them.  My son is 43 years old and let me tell you, it has been one rollercoaster ride after another.  One time we didn't speak for 3 years. I finally learned that I had to treat him the same way he treated me in order to get his respect.  There were times I cried, got angry, broke his pictures, tore up his pictures, walked out on him. After every episode, I would think, "next year he will grow up".  They never do.  To this day he still makes me angry sometimes, but I have learned how to cope with him.  I just roll with the punches and try to understand him. I still don't have the kind of relationship that I would like, but at least it's do-able.  At least we do have  a relationship. I see him and his wife once in awhile.  For that I'm thankful.  It is heartbreaking to read some stories on here. I can relate because I've been there and done that. I wish every parent on here a wonderful holiday season.

[LauraAnn821]

Like you, I've spent a great deal of time reading through these stories, and although it is comforting to know others have gone through what my family is enduring, none of these stories offer me hope.  :-(  It is really so sad.

I have always been a very outspoken person, and when I see my son making mistakes, I'm the first one to tell him and offer my thoughts.  When he was younger, this type of relationship was fine and we were very close.  As he went through his teenage years, the relationship deteriorated.  If I said green, he'd say blue.  If I said I love you, he'd say I hate you.  He is a very intelligent person, but he almost did not graduate from High School.  We had to push him, kicking and screaming, right to the finish line.  We never allowed him to get a drivers' license while he lived with us because his grades were so horrible and then he kept getting caught doctoring his report cards in an effort to convince us the grades were better.  He was suspended from school a handful of times for doing this, and actually missed his senior prom, due to one of these forgery suspensions. I could go on and on about how stressful those years were for everyone.  I did not always deal with things well, and yell and screamed an awful lot.  I'm sure I slapped him pretty good a time or two as well.  I wish I could go back and do things differently, but we all know that's impossible.  

Long story short, my husband (my son's adopted father) convinced him to look towards the military after high school.  We were convinced that this course would be best for him, giving him independence from us, with a safety net for him.  It was so hard to let him go.  He did enlist, right out of high school in 2008, Air Force and was trained for a high level security job at the NSA in Maryland, where he now is stationed.  We've traveled across the country to every graduation or ceremony, swearing in etc.  We've done our best to be good parents.  He is 21 (will be 22 in March) and our relationship has slowly deteriorated.  He has become more and more distant from us, his sister, his aunts, cousins, etc.  He has now decided he does not want any of us in his life anymore and has told me that he is never happy to come home and see us or talk to us, because of me.  He feels that all I do is criticize him and being around me makes him miserable.  As a result, he took his dog and left this Thanksgiving in the wee hours of the morning, without so much as a goodbye.  (We had taken care of his German Sheperd for two months while he moved into a new apartment, and he never even thanked us, instead accusing us of holding it over his head because we expected him to be polite to us while in our home).  He slept the entire time he was here, even in front of our extended family during Thanksgiving pushing his cousins off the couch so he could sprawl across it. He was embarrassingly rude. The final straw was when my daughter and I awoke to his dog barking and barking at 3:30 am, only to find that he had locked the dog in a crate in our basement and gone out somewhere.  He then came home at 4:15 am, showered and promptly left, without saying a word to me.  Since that time, the only communication he has had with us was through FB - and he's mad it clear - he no longer wants anything to do with us.  He has blocked all connections to his entire family.  We do not even have a physical address for where he now lives, so I cannot even send him a Christmas gift.  I am abosultely devastated and heartbroken, and I have not been able to function.  I sent a heartfelt letter apologizing for anything I may have done to hurt him, and he replied with "leave me alone".  I told him that I was concerned about him, and he ignored me.  I finally told him that he is being an absolute immature brat and jerk, and that we love him and want to be his family.  We will always be there, but only when he grows up and learns how to be the mature adult he claims to be. Now I have to let him go.

I go through so many emotions on a daily basis from being angry, to sad, to broken, to physically ill.  I don't know how anyone deals with this pain.... honestly I feel broken to the core.  

[LauraAnn821]

Also, my son is doing a lot of drinking, smoking, etc.  He hates being at home, because we won't let him smoke and drink in our house.  He views this as us trying to "change" him.  Just as a point of reference, we only see him 2X per year, at the holidays.  

[topr8]

Nearly two years ago my son (30) met an Australian girl and they got engaged.  I met her and had an instant sense that she did not like me.  It was confirmed later by my brother inlaw that she hated me before she met me.  Prior to her entering my sons life he had been in a relationship with a girl that I had known since she was 11.  He started going out with her when she was 16 and I was aginast them getting together from day 1.  In fact I begged her mother not to allow my son to stay at her house as you could see that it was not going to end well.  It didn't, and he took the gutless step of just leaving NZ and not telling her.  She in fact was expecting to see him after work to take her to a new flat they were getting!!!

Anyway, I have remained friends with his ex as I had her in my life for a long time and she was ripped out my life by his cowardice.  So cutting out alot inbetween I sent my sona letter for his 30th and it was all about the day I found out I was pregnant right through to his 30th birthday.  All the awesome memories I held so dear and all the times that had been special.  In the letter I put the words ' I have loved your father for 34 years with all my heart and would not change a day of that.  When you find a love like that you must protect it with all your being, for it does not come around that often'.  My relationship with my son ended that day based on those words.  SHE told HIM that what I was meaning was that HE didn't love HER!!!!!

They have since had a baby and I am not allowed to have role in her life or my sons as SHE has deemed me to be toxic, poisonous and manipulative.  I have cried buckets and my heart is squeezed so tightly sometimes it is almost too hard to breathe.  He has told me that he supports her and that I can't be in their lives.  My husband and I have given both of our sons the best life possible, and my husband could never be faulted as a dad.  She is poisoning my son and interprets everyting I have said in an amail or verbally, in a negative light.  He has no contact with my other son either and cut him off because she has said he is not loyal.  I NEED TO KNOW HOW TO LIVE WITHOUT THEM IN MY LIFE.

I can't stand the pain the hurt, the rejection any longer.  If only there was a switch to push..........I could just forget they existed!!!

[bunny199]

Where;s the website for parents of Estranged  children?

[MandM686]

I began reading your post, thinking I had written something on here, & didn't remember doing it. Your story IS my story. My son is 25, I'm 46, I was married to his dad at 18, (I divorced his dad at 21 though), and my son's gf is EVIL, and my son hasn't spoken to me in 11 mos. I'm an emotional mess myself. The holiday's are coming, and I just don't know what to do either. He moved in with his alcoholic drug dealing father 2 yrs ago, when I asked my son to move out. My son was drinking, doing drugs & wouldn't get employment, so I asked him to leave. He was mia for about 5 mos. & in that time I had reached out to his father. He claimed he didn't know of his where abouts. My son had moved to his father's gf's sister's house, (about 6 miles from my house). His father LIED to me. Nice guy, isn't he? My son was there for about a year, then moved to his dad's in another state. Since 2006, my son has been dating a Muslim girl. I didn't approve of the relationship once I realized she was bringing Islamic material into my home, (in attempts to convert him). We discussed it breifly, and the vain attempts stopped. The comments & innuendos did not. Her motives & actions are carefully planned. She has been very disruptive, combative, quarrelsome, manipulative, controlling, sneaky, lying, deceitful, & dishonest. She's caused a tremendous amount of chaos in my home. My son sees NONE of this. She asked me once, "If you were in your 20's & you weren't ****'s mom, would you go out with him?" Meaning, would I go out with my own son if i were younger & not his parent. I simply answered her, "I do not think of my son that way". She asked me a 2nd time, & I responded the same way. She's reminded me of decisions I've made in the past regarding my son's life. Insinuating I could've chosen other options. She made references that my son was frightened of his step father (of 11 yrs) & that he made his life hell, & why didn't I protect him better? Etc...My current spouse & I are separated, & she made frequent visits to his new residence playing both sides of the fence. She told him lies that I was still in love with my son's father & that we talk all the time. She then told me things he said, etc... I caught on to her shenanigans in depth immediately after the last incident on 1/21/11.
My son came to visit, and 4 of us (my gf came with us) went out for a few drinks & to listen to music. At one point, my gf was wanting to leave & expressed hostility. I was not aware that she wanted to leave. My son's gf took quick advantage of this situation, & explained to my gf (behind my back) that she was OK with leaving, & that she wouldn't give her a hard time about it. Something like that) I walked up behind her, & over heard the tail end of the conversation, "... & don't tell ******". I politely asked her what she said about me, & she ran off. I followed her, & i tugged on the hood of her coat so she would turn around, & then I felt someone tug my coat. My son was following me. I then realized he must've thought I was going to hurt her or something, so I stopped pursuing her. On the way to the car, we never found his gf. I kept asking my son why he was so upset with me, & he wouldn't acknowledge me. I was persistent. He blew up in my face, screamed at me told me I was messing with his future wife, & some other stuff I can't rememher. I told him I didn't like the way he was speaking to me, & that he & i need to talk about this some other time when there's no alcohol involved. I haven't seen him since. I've mailed letters, I've called, I've sent a package, a birthday card, & I've heard nothing. It's been 11 mos. & the holidays are here. I'm a mess. I realize I should've never gone out with them, but I honestly didn't think it was going to turn so ugly. I know she has a plan to make him hate me. She's tried to get my friends against me, (and failed) she's tried to break up my marriage (failed) but I think this battle is going to be one I can't win. I've tried giving it to God, but I am a mess about it. We should exchange emails...M&M

[scarlet123]

I raised my son on my own from the age of 9 he is now 32.His father never gave a penny towrds his upringinging.I wrapped him u in cotton wool adorded him gave him everything.I supported him throug 2 degrees and he didnt work in London for  ayear and i paid for his living and flat **** two jobs.I had my faults like all people i will not say i was perfect I wasnt but i love my 2 sons more than my own life.
He has a girlfriend who oviously doesnt like me .My son is a lawyer so is she i am not  good enough.I have been a specialist nurse for 30 years .They are now engaged and she prefers his stepmother so all of a sudden he has had a dis areement withh me and i am now banned from his wedding as are allof my family and his father and all of his ep brothers etc are going.He has never had real contact with his father and i am shocked.His elder brother has real problems with his father and he ahs been told by his brother he ahsa to attend and be civil to his father and a group of people he doesnt know.This is breaking my heart .He refuses to speak to me I have treied everything and he has told his brother that he will have minimal contact with him in case he tells me anything about his wedding which will be in Ireland in the village where a lot of my uncles and aunts live.I am in shock i am having seizures and the consultant has said it is the stress.I would welcome any advice. Thank you

[jeanice622]

Same thing here except he still lives at home wont hold a job and now as I sit here and type this he's in jail over a fight. I couldn't take it any more, but I was in so much pain as they were fighting with him to arrest him I just wanted it to stop. People tell you it's for his own good but is it? I was feeling his pain and frustration and couldn't do anything.  

[nevergiveuphope]

One post stands out...it states that the moms that comment blame their child for the poor relationship. I as a mom know that is not true. I have said and done things to my son that can never be forgotten. The same goes true for him. Now, he is 18 and living down the street with his grandfather. He is going to college, doesn't do drugs or drinking, but sleeps at Pop's house. He at times comes down. Not much. He doesn't really want much to do with me.  My husband and I disagree how to handle the issue. I pay for his college and supply a phone, clothes, and food if he is in our house. I stated that to get you must give. I want some of his time, sleep here, be involved in our laughter, our conversations, show that he does love us and is appreciative. Be our son! Dad feels that he goes to school daily, stays clean, and tries...then it is best for him to stay at Pop's house. He says that my son and I are not good for each other right now. In time he will grow-up and come back.  When he is around, I admit I ask lots of questions, look over his shoulder, he would say bother him. I don't want him to emotionally pull away from, but I can see it has already started. I take responsibility for not nurturing a positive healthy relationship. I have asked many times for forgiveness and for himo ome home. He says, I love you mom I just feel comfortable at Pops. I don't know what else to say...

[nikhel]

Many thanx for your story.Im going through a similar story, where my best of efforts and intensions have been disregarded.The worst of things have been said to me because life did not turn the way they wanted it to be.The BLAME is all on me.Still im asking for forgiveness,but alas.Praying hardthat Jesus will melt my son's heart of stone and put a heart of flesh instead.But there is total resistance.Regards

[nikhel]

Many thanx for your story.Im going through a similar story, where my best of efforts and intensions have been disregarded.The worst of things have been said to me because life did not turn the way they wanted it to be.The BLAME is all on me.Still im asking for forgiveness,but alas.Praying hardthat Jesus will melt my son's heart of stone and put a heart of flesh instead.But there is total resistance.Regards

[davidl366]

Dear suffering parents. What you are all experiencing is a result of government/corporate interference in parenting. This cultural shift has been going on since the early to mid 90s.  The break-up of family units is desired to shift dependency from religion and families to corporate govenment entities.   For example - the curricula at schools has shifted from core subjects to social type studies.  This undermines parenting.  

On the corporate side kids a channeled into media which portrays parents as a hindrance to their perceived freedom. Music, films, video games, reality TV all fall into these categories.  The corporations have also skilfully managed (via constant propaganda) to portray parents as "wallets" for their products.  Examples for this is cell phone family plans, various savings schemes for college tuition, constant supply of new electronic goods, etc etc.

Read some of Edward Bernays work if you want to read up on this some more.

Your kids have been hijacked to use as economic batteries.

[BonnieKM]

Why would I chastise you? I can't see that calling your son and asking him about this was doing anything wrong. There is no excuse for his actions. No matter how old a child becomes, he should never disrespect his parents.  I think he let his guilt take over and lashed out at you.  I know it's hard; but try to find things to occupy your time.  Volunteer. Go to church. But stay as busy as you can with fulfilling activities. He owes you an apology.

[disaster78]

OMG ... look at all of us! Society rules, Drugs rule. We don't matter. WTH do you think will happen to them after we are gone? WTH can we do for us? We are hopeless and helpless or we would not be writing on this forum. What is the point?

[mothers_pain]

My sons hate grew to cause him to physically assault me with a deadly weapon.  He is 34 years old and now its time to stop it.  He has to stop blaming everyone else including me for his Issues in Life he has to take the steps to change Himself and the more i tried to help him the worse he got.
   I had to have him arrested to protect myself i have lost him. But i pray everyday that he realizes He is the only one who can choose where his life goes . So tell your son that his past is no longer a vital part of his life now. He can handle it however he likes but he has to stop blaming the past. If he does not he will never stop hurting You . Walking away and giving him time sometimes help but it breaks our hearts.
   I tried i went from trying to compensate for all that I felt he had lost for many years to enabling him for many years but now I had to stop it. for my own safety and the saftey of the rest of my family. It has affected us all. there is no answer so I pray for you and for him Til he is ready to grow up there is nothing you can do but care for Yourself
mothers-***@****