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Avatar universal

My adult son hates me!

Hello, I am desperately seeking guidance that may provide me with the tools to build a better relationship with my 25 year old son.  I married at 18 and I had a very turbulent marriage for 16 yers to an alcoholic...divorced him when my son was 14...during that time I tried my best to be a good provider, mother and role model...my only son never went without anything....I was a very strict, organized and scheduled kind of mother....yes whether it was right or wrong I did punish my son for inappropriate behaviour...perhaps today being wiser I might have chose different options... I did not know anything else.  I raised my 4 younger siblings.  My husband was the good guy and I was the bad guy....
Today, I am only 46 and have been divorced for 11years...emotionally I feel like I am 80....since the time of the divorce my son has constantly alleged that I severely abused him...anyone that will listen is told this story...and it gets embellished....I have spent the last 11 years of my life desperately trying to show him that I love him, accept him and would do anything for him.....now he is cohabitating and has a one year old daughter...his current partner is a very jealous, manipulative and controlling personality...she hates me terribly and now my son is even worse than ever before....he allows her to scream and yell and disrespect me terribly....he says he supports her....the situation is very bad and unpleasant...
I have gone many times to a counsellor looking to fix whatever it is that I have caused....I just don't know what to do....anything he wants I provide for him...just recently I stopped the financial flow and all the 'taking advantage of me' behaviour....I am an educated, logical and fair minded woman...but when it comes to the relationship with my son I am a total emotional basket case....I cannot stop thinking about this situation, I have acid reflux, headaches, I am depressed and angry at the world....I want to lash out.
I try to occupy my life with warm and fulfilling activities but I cannot stop obssessing about my son and granddaughter...I don't want to go the rest of my life not having a relationship with them but more importantly having my son truly feel, think and believe in his mind that I abused him...it is tearing me apart...he will not go to counselling and now has cut off all communication.

I am only telling you the tip of the iceberg of my heartfelt story....I am hoping that someone may have some suggestions that I may employ to make my son realize he is wrong, to show I love him and build a better tomorrow and have a wonderful future.
Thank you to whomever.
Mary Lou
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Avatar universal
Being from the perspective of being that son who hates his father, I searched 'my son hates me' and looking at the stories here I can see the problem:

No one ever admits the reason their son hates them might be themselves!

I'm seeing tons of "i was the best mother/father I could", erasing any self-critique from the assessment of the situation. If your son hates you, it's more than likely your fault.

- If you treat your son the best you can he might hate you because he will not be ready to live independently once an adult
- If you treat your son like trash he might hate you because you made him believe he's worthless
- If you just don't give much attention he might hate you because you weren't there when he needed most

A son does not simply hate his father/mother for no reason, it takes years of abuse/overprotectiveness/neglect for a son ho hate his parents. If your son all of a sudden starts turning away from you, it's not because he started hating you out of nowhere, it's because he stopped fearing you, therefore doesn't see a reason to please you anymore.

I'll suggest a few things:

- Do self-critique! This is fundamental because you most definitely have a part on this, you need to get informed in behaviour to see anything that could be a result of parenting mistakes;
- Sit and listen with an open mind, and be ready to apologize for any suffering you might have inflicted;
- Do not dump your son into a therapist thinking that will fix the problem. It's probably you who need a therapist not your son;
- Do not assume your son owes you, even if still dependant. THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT! What your son needs/needed is love and care not a paycheck, using financial aid as an excuse will only make it worse because it will feel like you're trying to buy his love;
- Alternatively
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I'm that son too and I noticed the same thing. I imagine my clueless parents say this to their friends and they all sit around telling each other how wonderful each other is even though they obviously didn't do a good job raising kids or their kid wouldn't hate them.

The worst part of it is that they, my parents included, will probably die alone thinking they were the best parents ever.
You gave the exact right advice too. You get it. I'm sorry your parents don't see it.  
This is an old post but I guess a timeless problem.  Your comments are sad.  Most likely you are not yet a parent. Al parents mess up but most have nothing but good intentions.  It takes incredible sacrifice to raise kids and it's hard to always make the best choices.  I sure hope my sons who are still just young kids will eventually understand the imperfections of their parents and know that we tried our best. The best part . . . parents dying alone is really a cruel and sad statement and I've realized that when I'm feeling bitter, it helps to speak to a therapist.  good luck to you
While there is some truth in what you say absolutes don’t really work.  Sometimes it’s the parent’s fault and sometimes it’s not.  Some kids have personality disorders such as sociopathy, psychopathy, and malignant narcissism.  It is doubtful that such disorders are caused completely by parenting in all cases.

I have one grown kid who hates me and is a pathological liar and a drug addict who would cut your throat for a line of coke.  I have another son who loves me and is an honor roll student.  Is it completely my fault the first is the way he is and completely to my credit the second is the way he is?  Probably not!

Good luck to all kids who hate and judge their parents and blame us for all their problems.  You think all kids are just blank slates and you have the formula for perfect parenting?  You don’t think having a kid is to some degree rolling the dice?  LMAFO.  Good luck!!
Avatar universal
I dont know. I'm in so much pain. I don't get to see my grandson, either . I gave my son  my life and he makes up stories about how miserable he was, growing up.  Everything my son says is untrue.  I'm so lost.
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oh gosh, I'm REALLY sorry to hear this.  I'm a mom and of boys . . .  and wow, that would hurt more than I care to think about.  We give them our all.  I had a therapist tell me once that staying in touch in a positive way can help over time.  What if you sent a written letter to your son that was upbeat once a month.  Maybe sharing a positive memory, a quality about him that you really like, ask about his children in it and his wife.  Tell them all that you miss them.  Ignore what he is saying---  and maybe if he softens with the positive monthly letter----  you can say that you are so sorry he feels things weren't great in his childhood, that you love him and really wanted him to have a good childhood.  You're open to talking about it if he wants to.  That hurts----  I know.  And he may have a spouse that spins things in such a way that he has bought into it.  Be positive about her always because being on her good side is in your favor.  Anyway, let me know what you think.  hugs
Avatar universal
Adult children cut their parents off when they give up all hope of ever having a normal relationship with them. Lying about what you did and deluding it away will not get you your adult child back. It wont work on me either, you wont manipulate me into believing your air brushed recollection of events so dont even try.

With your own childhood traumas driving your behaviour then while what happened to you is not right you have spent your life obsessing about it. Your failure to move on and with you constantly projecting your trauma onto your son has destroyed your relationship with him.

If you have had a significant negative impact on his life you might never get him back. But either way you will not get him back until you face up to the fact that you have a problem and you need to get help with it.

If you wont acknowledge it to yourself, if you wont take the steps to improve, then there is no point asking for help here or expecting anything to change with your son. The ball is in your court.

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Hi, welcome to the forum. I don't know but now that I'm a parent, I'm fairly certain I have and continue to make 9,000 mistakes with my kids.  I hope they don't hold it against me!  I sincerely love them and am trying but also am a flawed human myself. I will say that I'm introspective and analyze things I do and where I go wrong. And TRY to change.  I'm a work in progress, pardon my dust. :-)  

But I do agree that a child may cut parents out if they feel there is no hope in resolution and the relationship is causing them pain.  I also do think some leave their family and because of THEIR flaws, it creates a large divide that maybe could be overcome.  They are human too.

My hope is that all families can mend.
Avatar universal
There is a little of my story in all these stories, married young, 5 sons, neglectful husband/father. I worked 2 jobs, took care of our 4 bedroom house on 5 acres with a push mower,, 3 dogs, 4 cats, the whole 9 yards was on my back, including running all my kids to all their different sports and practices and even Boy Scouts, everything was on me, my (then) husband would hide in the bedroom after work, watching tv and ignoring all of us. I went without so my kids would not, I gave them all I could,  I ate last if I ate at all, I fought tooth & nail when I thought my kids were unfairly treated, they were fed, taken care of, protected and loved, and not to copy the other parents, but yes- I did my best with what I had, and to the adult children reading this & automatically blaming the parents,  my story is true and unless you've had kids and are the perfect AAA parent, don't judge me.  My middle son was the sweetest little boy, big blue eyes and then at about age 10-11, getting in trouble at school, blaming everyone else for when he got in trouble, got so bad that if the school called I could pick up the phone and say what did (blank) do now. At home, he would fight with his brothers, not clean his room, steel from me, hide in the barn smoking, and yes I was a spanking kind of mom, NOW before ever spanking,  unless they endangered their life, there would be time out, groundings, privileges taken away, the talk or lecture., you name it, I tried it,  his continuous and escalating behavioral problems were that bad, to the point I was called to school a few times during his first shot at 7th grade, and the police were there, fighting and trying to buy pot,  (there was no drinking or drug use by me or their father)  I begged the school to test him, I thought maybe ADHD or ADD, but they said he was ok and that he had a accepting responsibility issue, anyway,  yes I spanked my kids when I felt it was needed, and only as a last resort, with 5 kids, I don't think I can count all my fingers the total of spankings or azz whooping's or whatever you choose to call it, in almost 20 years of raising my sons. and yes one time I totally lost it, (13 & taller then me) 7th grade, multiple calls from the school, many meetings with teachers and principals,  failed the grade (teacher hated him), failed the summer school program that I had to pay for and transport him to and from, and again it was the teachers fault, she hated him. and I lost it, I whooped his butt, he repeated 7th grade and passed,   finally got divorced and moved to a new area, 2 weeks in the new school (8th grade) and was called in, the round table, each teacher stood up and said how they couldn't tolerate him anymore.  Things sorta settled down, and he was promoted to the high school 9th grade, I truly feel he only passed as their way of getting rid of him, once in the high school he got in with another kid, who had made up problems at home, it was a bragging or trying to out do each other of who had the worse mom or home life, my son ended up in the custody of CYS, to which he would tell everyone how he was abused, he made up events that never happened, and wouldn't take responsibility for all his behavioral problems, everything from A to Z was my fault.  the CYS people cleared me of abuse and they realized he was manipulating them, he was diagnosed with Bipolar and Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  He's 31 now, has never held a job for more then a few months and gets fired (not his fault) money issues of which I would try to help, they were late on their furniture (rent to own place) and I paid them up,  we had 5 recent years of peace,  he has 2 daughters from 2 women, the current mother of his youngest child, he married, and she too has had some past mental health issues as well as family issues with her dad and step mom, anyway skip ahead to now and his older daughter (10) told some lies to get out of trouble, about him, and when he called to tell me about it, (he thrives on drama) I tried to say I was sorry he had to go threw that as I know how it feels, it exploded in a hot second, and opened up the can of worms to which all the old accusations of abuse started again and even some new accusations we'd never even heard of before.  I mean some real whoopers, example, now saying I smacked him infront of a social worker when he was in the custody of CYS !! Like WTH, they would have called the police and locked me up IF that were true. Ugh CYS only returned him back to be when they were fed up with his behavior and manipulation of them. And him being home only lasted a week before he went off his meds and went right back to his bad behavior & I had to send him to my ex husbands to live, I'm the bad guy, but yet anytime he had a problem or needed advice he'd call me.. . Anyway, his daughter told a lie about him and now its old accusations from almost 15 years ago and hate mom again. to blaming me for his lower back issues, I was waiting to be blamed for his kidney stone too, I didn't want to but I had to cut him off again, screaming at me on the phone,  2 min voice mail screaming at me, his wife screaming at me, nasty screaming text messages, etc. I can't go thru this anymore, last time I cut him off for a year, now it might be forever. even if it means I don't get to see my 2 granddaughters anymore.  Apologizing for the past isn't good enough for him, he wants sympathy, needs to be the victim, and get a pound of flesh from me when I'm dealing with very serious health issues with my current husband (quadruple heart bypass and kidney failure & dialysis) I'm tired of being crucified for raising him and his brothers (who don't have any issues with me) the best I could.  
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517872 tn?1623105664
I am sure your son would not stop thinking about you as her mother including the love even when you have stopped the financial support to him. Such relationships are one of the strongest in the whole world.  And love needs not displaying all the time. But that doesn't mean it is not there. It's just that there is so much else in the world that needs our thought. Take care
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20797011 tn?1513631048
I had some resentments and I realized my mom did the best she could with what she had to work with and what she knew.  I hope your son will realize that someday.  You, unfortunately can't change someone's attitude, they have to do it themself.  It sounds like you are enabling their behavior wth the money flow, you did stop, however, hich is the first step towards tryng to compensate for the past
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Avatar universal
Is there any solution to this problem...i know all about having made a lot of mistakes like being over protecting ..trying to provide because the father was absent etc etc what is the sokution if there is any
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Avatar universal
I am glad I found this website.   My relationship with my son has been a roller coaster since he graduated from high school.   He blames his father and I for everything that didnt work out for him.   He feels that his father didnt show him enough love and support and I was overbearing and smothered him, did too much for him and caused his anger issues.   He had a baby while he was in college and we did everything in the world to help him.   He resents how close his daughter and I are.   He is so angry at the ex-girlfriend (babys mom) for everything.   He never lets the past stay in the past.  He is just as angry today as he was 8 years ago.   He has told me in the past that he is very lucky that he had me to help him thru really bad times in his life.   He has acknowledged that he took his anger out on me because he knew I would always love him no matter what.  He has acknowledged to my daughter that he has been horrible to me and regrets it.   You would think with this insight he would not still treat me like he does.   He acts like I am such a bother and burden.   If I call him because Im trying to make plans for something, he acts like he cant stand to speak to me.   When we are together in a group of people he acts like I turn his stomach.   Like he cant stand the sight of me.   I have learned that the harder I try, the more annoyed with me he gets.   I know Im all over the place with this.   But back a few years ago when he was having a hard time and so angry after he blew up and cussed me out and had a fit about something, at least there was times when I could see my little boy in there.   Now, things have settled for him.  Things are good with his work, with new relationship, his daughter is awesome, you would think he would not still show so much resentment toward me.   It hurts more than anything I could ever imagine, the looks or the comments he gives me.  He just doesnt like me at all.   I have probably ruined my health somewhat.   I am an emotional wreck.  I worry about everything.   A bottle of wine helps me forget how sorry I feel for myself and how much I love and miss my only son.   Now, having said all this and after reading other mom's struggles and comments, I know Ive got to start living my life for me and distance myself.    I'm not going to have the relationship that I want.   Ive got to let him set the boundaries and learn to live within them.
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I really feel for you.  I am glad I read your message as I can see so many traits of my own son and our relationship . Keep strong .
Avatar universal
I'm really glad I stumbled upon this website, your stories are very much the same.  I was a young mother,his father was abusive. I left him when my son was only five. Now my son is resentful after rekindling his relationship with his father 30 years later.
I was always very close with my son. My daughter-in-law is a little bit iffy she totally turned against me and started exposing herself to my boyfriend... I had to  back away and protect my son from this activity, I immediately ended my relationship with a boyfriend and tried to talk to my daughter in law. she lied to my son and now he hates me.   I haven't been able to see my grandchildren for 5 years. Like these other persons telling their story; the pain is unbearable, I have done myself work for Mind Body Spirit and I feel good about myself and my life.
I have a few supportive friends but they have their own lives.
I am by myself for the holidays I continue to send loving messages and pictures to my son, no response.
So I say enough is enough I remove myself from this pain and go on with my life, and forget that I have a family and maybe someday my granddaughter will contact me.
At times over the years, I felt I have no purpose for life, now I give myself permission to cry... I love me for taking the high road.
My son has become the abusive jerk like his dad.
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13167 tn?1327194124
In the last several years, is there anyone at all that he has a close,  loving relationship with?
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13167 tn?1327194124
Savvyae,  what does he say?  It seems like he must have said something to indicate what is making him unhappy with you.  Whether it's valid or even happened is one thing - but it seems like he must have indicated what makes him distant from you?
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He has nothing specific to say just once he said he could never share his feelings with me- but i sat with him every evening as soon as I came back from work to ask him about his day and he always said - nothing happened- says we were always angry with him , which is not the case at all, he is was and is very laid back , won't lift a finger to help out with any chores, won't clear up after himself, and when he was younger we did tell him stuff like - set the table or get the washing in or put his clothes in the laundry bin, make his bed etc and insisted he did, we don't even do that anymore. There has never been at physical disciplining beyond "go to your room"
He was easy to dea with - woke up on his own, had breakfast and got dropped off at school by his dad and picked up and brought back by me after school and I would go back to work, then our housekeeper fixed his snack and he spent hours on his computer games and play station , till we got home, he was never nagged to study, which he rarely did, we never had to make him do his homework , he did it on his own- he got good grades at school, was headboy in senior school, is polite to everyone, but simply hates us, gets along better with his dad than me but is extremely Rude and disrespectful to the both of us, swears, yells, just finds everything I do wrong, mocks, ridicules, tells me what I should do instead . even now, al he does when he gets back home is play his computer games every evening , every weekend .  And I try to go and speak to him , or try and do things together - but he just does not engage- either is rude or says something nasty . But when he speaks he has so much hatred , my husband has given up on him ever being normal with us . But I still keep trying as he is my only child and I can't stop loving him or caring for him, even though it's hard to like him anymore
Avatar universal
I'm glad I stumbled into this community and appreciate everyone's sincerity and honesty.  I'm 67, mother of a 32 year old son. We are on very rocky ground,  especially since Christmas, and particularly since late Mother's Day.  We communicate rarely and briefly now. I'm a retired lawyer, raised him alone and he has an alcoholic, angry father with whom he gets along well and spent regular time with always. He has a graduate degree and a great job with a tech company.
Our relationship was extremely fraught from 8th grade straight through until after his graduate degree:  almost no time hanging out together, communicating rarely after he went away for college, horribly frosty or harsh 'visits' for Christmas. BTW I've apologized profusely for the unspecified-by-him  whatever he doesn't like about me or what I've done or not done.
We have never had classic fights or raised our voices other than briefly a couple of times. He walks away or refuses to listen or 'engage' if I brought something up or whined about how he treated me, by email or in person. Nothing seemed amiss between us to others. He got mad at me often, sneered, was critical, passive aggressive, lied, about money mostly, while I was paying for college. He moved from L.A. grad school to his San Francisco job, and suddenly we had 4 years of nice times, us visiting each other, going  out to dinners, hikes, bike rides, and he called often.
The 2015 Christmas visit, bringing his new and first true-love, was yucky for me; I hardly saw them, he was critical, judgmental and rude outside of her presence. Our calls and emails almost vanished, and were fakey.  He abruptly invited me out for Mother's Day to their new apartment. With some pleasant times, it was often unpleasant. They left me alone a lot, like suddenly at 6 p.m. saying they were 'going out' for the night, and like girlfriend spending hours in their bedroom, door closed. By Sunday night I realized the accumulated awfulness as we all faked niceness. When he drove me to the airport Monday we had a brief, hostile conversation after I said I felt he was in a tough spot because his mom and the love of his life still hadn't had a conversation after 3 weekends around each other, and that I wouldn't be coming back for awhile til they got more used to their life together, or something.... He said a list of harsh things about me, which he hadn't done before.
Do I sound self-pitying and exaggerating things?  I'll see them at a family wedding in several weeks. What do I do now?
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Same boat.. I have retraced the past 20 years and looked and relooked at it critically - to see where I went wrong in my parenting for my son to hate everything I am. As a Working mother I  worked very hard in juggling my work and home and what kept me going was that when he grew up he would be my friend and appreciate my sacrifices. Instead he simply cannot stand me and blames me for everything. The irony is he had and has privileged life - private schools, university education - engineering degree, 4 years of tuition and one bed flat paid for by me, holidays 3-4 times a year and now works in the business my husband and I set up from scratch, drives our car and lives with us but hates me and hates us . What did we do wrong? Why dont we have a loving kind and affectionate son?
Avatar universal
When I was a young teen I made some mistakes. My family has never let me forget, I'm 55 now have 2 grown childern and 3 grandchildren. My kids grew up listening to their grandparents aunt, my aunts and uncles remind me what a terrible person I am. My daughter and I have a great relationship. My son has stolen from me and his mom, lied about me abusing him, blamed me for all of his problems. His girlfriend and mother of his 2 kids (2 of my 3 grandkids, the other is my daughters) recently died. While she was alive it was getting a little better. Now he blames me for her dying won't let me or his mom around his kids. He blames me for his girlfriend dying. Says I'm not fit to see his kids. Yet he always wants money to help with daycare. He cannot manage money, has been to prison admitted to the cops he robbed the store, then blamed me when his lawyer couldn't get him off. I'm sick to my stomach most of b the time, I think about giving up a lot. I'm tired of being the bad guy, tired of being blamed, tired of having my reputation ruined. I want him to be respectful and stop lying. I would love to have a good b relationship with him even though I really don't think it will ever happen.
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@Badger131:  You are NOT the "bad guy!" so next time, instead of saying "I am tired of being the bad guy," tell yourself "I am tired of him MAKING me out to be a bad guy."  Because it's not what YOU'RE doing, it's what he's doing.  Give yourself a break, god knows you deserve one, as we all do on this webpage.
Avatar universal
I know you posted this a while ago, --- is it still happening? I am having the exact same problem.
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Avatar universal
I just want to say how sorry i am that you have been through all this abuse.  You don't deserve it.  I think you son got messed up from watching his father treat you so badly.  Who knows maybe he disrespects you because you took the abuse, but i understand the fear.  You know we do the best we can at the time.  I hear that in you.  We have to forgive ourselves and ask God to forgive us.  And believe His Word that He does.  My son has put me through a lot.  I think he hates me too.  I think he even destroys his own life to get to me.  It is crazy.  But I can't live like that any more.  I am getting support at my church group.  And i do go to a cournselor every couple months.  But it is expensive.  I guess we can't look to our children to give us our value.  Our value comes from God.  I have been reading some Max Lucado books, very good author.  Maybe get some at the library.  So helpful.  I will say a prayer for you.  If i can help let me know.  I too have been through a lot.  Trusting Christ is my saving grace.  But I still worry at times.  But am praying and getting prayer from my church family.  I hope you have a good church to go to.  We need support.  I feel badly for you.  I am glad you are not with your abusive husband anymore.  Don't give up.  God has a plan.  Seek Him.
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4 Comments
I need to join this group
I need to join this group
All of your stories are similar to mine. I raised two children alone,without any help or support.I sacrificed,worked 3 jobs,and did everything to give them a happy, consistent childhood. I put them through college while living in a tent,so they could live comfortably. I love them fiercely and would do anything for them,although I seldom get thanks,or acknowledgement. My son will not call,or respond to any communication from me, but he remains in contact with family members who have been very abusive to me. He has made it clear that I am nothing to him. My health has suffered from working so hard for so many years. He considers me weak and pathetic. He has earned a lot of$, because of the start I gave him, but he claims to be a self made man. It hurts me so deeply that I cannot sleep,eat,or even breathe at times. I  recently realized that he is a true NARCISSIST, something you all should read about. He is incapable of empathy,remorse,and cares only about himself,and the attention/admiration he gets from others. He was so cruel when I asked him to join me for my 60th birthday, claiming I was pressuring him, and he has no time for such "frivolous" activities. I have had to accept that he will NEVER change. His world is only about him,and I am to blame for everything that goes wrong in his life. I could go on, but most of your stories are things I have experienced as well. I lived for my children for so many years that I don't know how to live without them. Losing a child is the worst thing to happen to a parent.when a child removes you from his life,it hurts even more,as you always carry hope, guilt, questions,and know that they are out living their life, but don't want you to be a part of it. That pain is unbearable, knowing that the person you gave life to, and loved forever has no feelings for you at all,and you have no happy memories beyond childhood to hold on to.somehow it helps to know I am not alone. I appreciate all of you who share your pain. It seems that those of us who gave the most,loved the deepest,and worked the hardest are the ones who suffer the most.
Ignore ignore ignore cut off completely it's the only way to have a happy life it's NOT your fault
Avatar universal
I'm so lost as why my sons have disconnected.  I'm going to let go.  I can't stand it...we used to be close and now they treat me like crap.  Glad to know I'm not alone.
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I dont know and understand this im going through the same...
Im also going through it. Ive let go, but it hurts. My heart is breaking. He also treats his crazy, controlling 18 year old girl friend horribly. Ive had to step away. They are pregnant, no job, he got fired from the family business and are beginning kicked out of her father's home.
My son is an awful human being he just turned 18 Saturday and I can't wait for him to leave he's so very very cruel to me and it constantly breaks my heart. He's been that way to his father who just sent him back to me. It's like he'll try to be good at first but he's just not capable of kindness or empathy long term. So he needs to go, he's adult now, he definitely doesn't want to and tries to put every blame on me, I can't wait to be released. I'm in hell and long for peace.
Good for you Riley!
Avatar universal
I am a new member, and went looking tonight on the net under search terms "Why does my son hate me?" and found this group.  

First I want to say "Thank You" to all of you for being brave enough to share your stories.  It has given me hope just knowing I'm not alone.

Second, in reading over these posts, I begin to see some common "themes" in cases where sons (who I always heard, when he was born, would always love and be there for their moms) end up hating their mothers.

One common theme seems to be turmoil while growing up--mostly from disrupted or abusive marriages, or the presence of drug / alcohol abuse, or severe financial hardship.

Another common theme seems to be the mother neglecting her sons to give more attention to her husband / boyfriend, her own interests, or her own pleasures.

The last theme I see is that of boys for whom their mothers sacrificed themselves---"I gave him everything";  "I did everything for him<"  "I did all I could for him to be successful"---and young men who respond to that sacrifice with contempt, which develops into total disrespect.  Coupled with the self-sacrifice are often comments about "we gave him whatever he wanted" and / or "we spoiled him."

I think I fall into the last category, and a little of the second.  

I have three sons, one special-needs, one a struggling learner, and then my very bright, very capable middle son---who spends as little time with us his parents as possible (about 15 minutes a day at suppertime), spends literally every waking moment that he isn't working on his schoolwork (college) on the internet (FB, emails, games, etc.), and hasn't worked since he quit his part-time job at a drugstore in December (a job I helped him get, though my friendship with the pharmacist) because of a "sure-thing" job with a friend's father in computing--a job that never materialized.  He simply sits all day long---in his car driving to school, in his desk at school, or in his chair in his room on that computer.  

I always felt a little sorry for him because of his having an older special-needs brother and the extra strain that put on our family and the extra time it took me away from the other two boys.  My youngest understood, but my second-born never accepted it.  He was always resentful of his older brother's disability, then of the attention he got when it became obvious he was greatly gifted in music.  In about 4th grade, he started cheating in school, not doing homework, having to repeat grades.  I kept trying to coddle him (a word used often here) and "make up" to him for the "hard life" he was having to experience, by trying to make sure I watched for and then supported to the max ANY area in which he showed great interest or ability---so he would feel as "appreciated" and noticed as his older brother.  When he fell in love with Legos, we bought him all the Legos he wanted and encouraged him to build---developing creativity, right?  When he loved Medieval knights, we looking into fencing classes (too expensive) and jobs working at Medieval Times.  When he wanted to try music, we bought him a trumpet, paid for lessons, and I even started a children’s community band so he’d have a group to play in nearby. When he fell in love with acting, we put him in a private fine arts academy where I worked as a janitor to pay part of the tuition (along with his youngest brother, who volunteered to help so I wouldn’t work too hard).  

But his greatest downfall has been computer games.  I curse the day I disobeyed my own rule and ever let him start playing online games---that opened the floodgates to what, today, is full-on addiction to the internet and computer games.  It was somewhat better when he was working--then he didn't have enough time to be on it constantly;  but now as I said that's all he does.

And he blames me--as many of you said your sons do--for every single problem in his life.  It's my fault he's depressed, my fault he has a bad self-image, my fault he can't stand to be around me (yet he can never seem to explain "why" he can't stand to be around me---though I've asked repeatedly and all he ever says is "I've tried to tell you already--what's the use?"--when in truth he has NOT told me at all, though I've begged with tears for him to tell me what I've done wrong so I can ask forgiveness.  So I've had to "guess" what it might be---spending too much time taking care of his special-needs brother?  Being distracted by the turmoil in our home life when his dad got repeatedly laid off (5-6 times in 25 years)?  Being stressed by my own health problems (3 serious surgeries---two on my eyes to prevent blindness) during his childhood / teen years?  Financial stress?  Family stress (we had problems with my husband's family)?  For all of these, and more, that I thought "might" have made him feel I didn't give him enough time and attention, I've asked forgiveness, even though I had no control over any of them and had to deal with the cards I was dealt.  Yet---still, no forgiveness---only bitterness, abuse, and rejection.

Now, he's a young man (20) living in our home.  He will not work (though he does go to college).  We've told him we'll pay for his college in exchange for him paying "rent" in the form of helping out with chores as we ask and being available to help us with our needs, and in showing respect and courtesy (note we didn't even say "love") to us.  But even that, he can't do.  He wants to go and come in our home without any regard for us, our needs, or our schedules. The car he uses is in our name but he (until recently) drove it recklessly and if he has a wreck (and doesn't, God forbid, hurt himself) but hurts someone else, we would be liable--yet he can't afford to have a car in his own name because he has no job. He takes our electricity to run his computer, our internet service we pay for to play his games, our food, our shelter, the clothes we bought him, the bed we gave him to sleep in, the many personal items in his room we gifted to him over the years, the money for his college tuition, his cell phone, and a car he drives to school but which will be "his" car once he graduates--he takes all this with no complaint (but also no thanks) from us----but then has a fit if we ask him to do anything;  spews out hateful talk, today he told me "screw you", won't spend time with us but is in his room like a hermit all the time, won't even talk to or even LOOK at us, and speaks to us in the most hard, cruel, evil, hate-filled voice I've ever heard.

I see now the truth of TWO things my mother used to tell me:

1.  The more you give a child, the less they will appreciate you.
2.  The worst thing you can do for a child is feel sorry for them.

I've done both--and I'm reaping the results of what I've sown.

Is there anything I can do now?

I feel like I've lost power over him.  If I say, "My house, My rules", I'm scared of what will happen.  Will he just argue but keep on doing as he pleases, as he is now?  Will he leave and go live with his friends, where I will have no chance of influencing him at all?  If I ignore things, they'll only get worse--and this isn't helping him learn responsibility---or ANY sense of appreciation and gratitude toward us or toward God for what he's been GIVEN. If I stop paying for things, I fear he'll take on mounds of college debt--the current slavery most kids are foolishly taking on, and like them will be a slave to that all his life. I'm trying to help him launch, not hold him back--but trying to teach him to be respectful of us while he's doing so (he is VERY respectful to others--it's just US he fights obeying and spews hatefulness when we insist on it) .  It's like he's very spoiled, and wants to have his cake and eat it too---be independent while being dependent on us.
Thanks for any advice, for sharing your stories, and for letting me share my own.
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Avatar universal
CALL a church pastor.  Tell him you are a victim of "elder abuse." (and that IS what this is).  Ask him to help you locate the proper authorities, or to put you in touch with a lawyer at his church.  They can help put you in touch with the right people.  Please do so.  Your life is in danger.
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Avatar universal
Quoting you:

"She wanted to pass the time by talking about a bunch of trivial and unimportant things going on in her life."

"trivial and unimportant".

Yet---isn't that how YOU just got through saying SHE saw and treated YOU---as "trivial and unimportant"?


It just goes to show the PROOF of something I heard long ago:  "You who judge another ARE DOING THE SAME THINGS."

I hear a lot of self-pity in your post---"I'm this way because my mother did so-and-so."

Well, you know what?   She isn't Hermione Granger and doesn't own a Time-Turner.  She can't go back and "re-do" the past.

Neither can you.


Solution?

FORGIVENESS.


It's the only cure for bitterness---and bitterness is a poison.  Stop feeding it to yourself.

Good luck.
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Avatar universal
You can do that.  You can even apologize.  But if your son REFUSES to forgive, and prefers to hold on to his bitterness, and to take no responsibility for who he IS and who he CHOOSES to be TODAY----then what is left for you to do?
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13167 tn?1327194124
Does your husband have any input on what the problem might be?  I think sincerely,  when people say "I have absolutely no idea what the problem was",  they really do know.  

I'm curious  what political views you were espousing that caused him to explode.  I'm not asking you to state them - that would cause a distraction in the thread - but there are political views that would make me want to tell someone to shut the F up too.  
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Avatar universal
I'm in the same boat. My only son and I have always been close.l was going to help take care of his first baby. I went there and all of a sudden, he turned on me. Overnight, he hates me. But won't say why.

Yes, his dad and I were always supportive, probably even coddled a bit him as a child. No new cars and freeloading though. We had high expectations...

..I now know better than to talk politics with him even though I get it in both ears from him and his wife. I said one thing a bit too political and he yells viciously. " Mom, What the f--- do you even care for. You'll be dead soon anyway." That hurt. ....Anyway he is acting like a prick.

Mean......And I've always helped with anything financially. He has zero student loans. 10G for wedding, Down payment for home, half of car, ten G for child's 529 plan, and on and on. Always generous and thoughtful.......never wanted anything back.....In fact this, (Is it an argument?)  began a few days after I arrived.I asked him if we could go have a cup of coffee and talk a bit. After all, I came 3000 miles to see him. He says what do you want? You got my wife and daughter to talk to. When I mentioned we hadn't talked in person for over a year, he lost his cool.

Actually I'm wondering. If he is getting some kind of mental illness? I asked him to go to therapy. But he will only agree to "Skype Therapy" through a computer screen. Heck, I'll try it. Thought there was a lot of love between us. But now I don't think I could ever trust him again.
And the worse part is the pain I'm enduring. I was not prepared to be stabbed in the heart.It's been 3 months and I can still barely move. I've been shaking, barfing, and gut level crying. It's killing me. It's like his gentle soul is transformed into something strange. I just wish I could find peace and get back to life before I lose my husband. Or my life.

I must admit, I removed him from my trust this week. He does not deserve a huge  amount.I have to have something coming back, from him, like love and respect.
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Avatar universal
If he is 24 then he needs to support himself. Give him 6 months to stop all this abuse. Ifvhe doesnt then calmly tell him to leave.and stick to it.
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Avatar universal
Give him space and time and I believe he will come around. In the meantime live your life for you. Life is short good luck to you I hope you find what you're looking for. I will pray for you your son and granddaughter
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