My adult son seems to hate me

[jeddygirl]

I am trying to do what is right for my son right now, which is walk away from him and no longer try to contact him.  But my heart is breaking, I think of horrible things; anger, depression, revenge (not to him - a long story).  I have chronic depression, had it since I was 16.  I am 55 years old now.  My 27 year old son is my only child (well I had a baby a few years before my son that died after being delivered at 6 months.  His father had beaten me, I went into labor.)   So when this son came, he was so special to me.   Maybe too special.  I felt that God had given me another chance and I tried so hard not to mess it up.  Stayed with his father for 22 years, a very negative, depressing man who kept me DOWN all of the time.  He would call and read the obituaries to me, or call and read me stories of men who killed their wives.   When my son was a Senior, and started treating me much like my husband, I couldn't take it anymore and left.   I have tried for nine years now to maintain some kind of relationship with my son.  Recently he stepped over the line by telling me off about something simple that I had said to his girlfriend -- and it really was nothing -- but he took the opportunity to rage at me and cuss me out.  You could feel the venom in his voice.   I was shocked and devastated.   Surely I had to be a terrible mother to cause this.    Such confusion, pain, heartbreak.   I e-mailed him (because I know he wouldn't answer my call) and said Look, this all got out of hand.  I was wrong for what I said, and your yelling and cursing at me wasn't very nice either.   So why don't we just start over?  You only have one mother and I only have one son.  Life is too short to let these kinds of things separate us.   Can we start over?

I have gotten no response from him, and I don't think I will.   I am sure that he is still angry at me over the divorce, and his behavior and attitude towards me are far worse than his father's ever was.  My son is 27 years old, isn't he old enough to see the reality of things?     I am struggling very much and trying to go on.  But it gets harder as everyday goes by and I feel the separation growing wider.    Suggestions?   Anything that I can hold onto????

[Skydancer110]

Oh my gosh your story is nearly identical to mine.  Im so sorry to hear you have to go through this too.  I am devastated by my 37 year old sons venom and his brutal attacks on my character, i am 57.  I ache and weep all over.  Its just too much, i am so shocked that it has come to this after all these years of loving him and trying my best.  He is a bully.  Not physically but with his words, identical to his father.   Dont know what i can do anymore, im in a bad way with this really i am.  I feel i am subjecting myself to abuse but i am desperate to continue seeing my only grandson who is under 5. Best wishes to you and much solidarity from me x

[specialmom]

Oh, that's so hard.  What is his wife like?  Are you able to deal with her instead without making a scene to do so?  I agree it is worth seeing your grandson.  What do you think the core of this horrible anger toward you and meanness comes from?  I have a teenager and I sincerely think sometimes that I  know in the course of parenting him, I've made countless mistakes but have always tried my best and loved him more than anything.  I just had a row with him about college.  He has artsy ideas and I'm pretty practical.  He's never taken an art class in high school but talks about art in college and career . . . I feel like I just trampled his dreams but I'm trying to look out for him.  Ugh.  Anyway, my point is that I'm sure you always parented the best you could even if not perfect so why is he now in this position of being hateful to you?

[Paxiled]

Mom, be careful what you wish for your son.  Families are very odd concoctions, through most of history the community or village was the unit, not the family.  We've put a lot of emphasis on our blood relatives lately, but there are other ways of building family.  And what I meant, Mom, was, my wife has a nephew who had a lot of options, as I did when I was young.  It came down to, for him, physics or studying film.  Physics would be the practical choice, but he chose film, and he's now a successful commercial filmmaker working for a member of Robert Altman's family.  Where you have passion can lead to a better career choice sometimes than something more predictable.  But it can also not work out at all.  It's tough being a Mom, you know your children are going to grow up to be adults, but life isn't really about money.  You need to have it, but you need health and passion more or you might not get it no matter what you study.  I know that I became a lawyer but wanted to be a writer, and then got agoraphobia which made it all hard to get.  But I had no passion for being a lawyer and a lot for writing, and so I didn't stick with the lawyering but also didn't get to stick with the writing and the music, either.  He has to make his own way.  Peace.

[coolruddy]

I am the victim of domestic violence i left my husband for a kinder, more caring man.  My children 2 girls have never forgiven me and never will and my grandaughter, thanks to her mother also hates me.  They take their fathers side even tbough he hit me on numerous occasions in front of them. I cant change it, i am depressed and upset but i have to accept it.  I made mistakes but not as many as my ex but i am the devil, and hes the angel.  I have stopped feeling guilty whjch makes things easier and i try to just live every day as well as i can.  If you son changes his mind thats great, if not you did your best, hes an adult.  Dont beat yourself up.  Get on with your life

[STPBLP]

Thank you much for your commenting on the topic of an adult son who has made it clear that he does not like his mother, is very disrespectful, and makes his feelings well known.  I too have this identical & heart-wrenching situation with my oldest son.  I so wish I had access to the internet while my son was growing up and starting acting up at around the age of 15.  I was a single mom (raising both my sons alone from the ages of 6 months & 4 years) when there father left me for (oh so familiar story right?) a secretary he worked with.  I did take my son to numerous counselors, basically to no avail.  At the age of 18 (+ a few weeks) I finally told him he had to leave and instructed him to go to his fathers house, which he did do.  To this day he swears I kicked him out of the house.  No, I've told him many times that I did ask him to go, but not just out on the street, directly to his dads house.  Too many stories are rolling around in my head right now to explain what transpired from the age of 15 - 18.  But, it was very, very difficult to try to raise him.  My youngest son (now 22) was almost a breeze for me to raise and is doing well.  I'm sure you need more information, but wondering if you have any suggestions for me at this time.  This is an extremely painful situation for me to deal with, it hurts.  Any helpful comments you have would be much appreciated.  Thank you!!!  SS

[am18]

I am so sorry to hear that someone else is feeling the pain of a chidl who hates them.  My son seems to believe everything his wife tells him about me.  It seems that he picked me to be the one to hate.  He know that his wife is a pathological lier, that she has addictive behavior, and that she dislikes me, but he dosen't care. He lashes out at me every chance he gets. I am always trying to help out in anyway that I can, but he just hates me.  I never thought I would give birth to a child whom I thought could walk by and see me in need of CPR and he would keep walking.  It's all because I won't accept his choice of women he wants to bring into our life. i.e., drug users, unfit mother, practice prostitution,; you name it she dose it. He seems to migrate to these type women. His first wife was a GOOD woman; hard worker, gave him his space,  and she loves the family. He is very hard to read; he HATES me because he says I am the one who can make things work. He blames me because I won't accept the life style his wife lives and allow her to bring that life style into my home.  When they got together we acepted her into our home and continured to do so until we found out what she was doing.  At that time, everything changed and he realky started let his hatred for me be known..  I love him, but I just can't keep allowing him to walk on my hear and feelings.  Is there anyone who can help me with "letting go"?  He is 44 years old, but he is still my child.
Am64

[SLD53]

my son is 19 he walked alway from me also because of his sisters and a women iam hurt he is my only son and baby boy i miss him but i will not stand for him hurting me anymore with his words my daughter mean well but sometimes they hurt me also  let god and let god work it out    by SLD

[Nathansmum]

I am new to the internet - this discussion is like an answer to my prayers - too upset to say more - thank you

[remar]

No, your not a bad mother. His father taught your son how to act this way. I'm my family you learn at a very young age not to disrespect your mother, it's just not done.
Your son needs counseling and this is something only he can decide to do for himself. You can talk to him about it but you can't make him go.
I do understand about him being your only child. I have an only child myself. But you can not put up with the way he treats you.
It might take you separating yourself from him for awhile for him to come around and see that he needs help and can not treat you this way.
I hope things work out for you. I'm always here to listen. Take care. Remar