Aa
My adult sons don't look up to me anymore
What is the best way to continue my life and start over? I have two adult sons. We were very close as my boys grew up. They are now 30 yrs old and 32 yrs old. We don't have a relationship any more; their choice.
They are much like their dad w/ anger control issues and the attitude of their dad that "they know it all." ANYTHING I say is discounted. They always interrupt me and disagree w/ me and always conclude that I never know what I'm talking about. They aren't the sweet smart boys I raised. They appear just like their dad, and w/ his attributes, in which aren't becoming; that's why we ended up divorced when my boys were 13 and 15. My ex is very emotionally and verbally abusive. Now my boys do it to me. I feel it is disrespectful.
My boys were w/ their dad for a couple yrs before they came to live w/ me. They didn't change towards me until they got older and w/ their wives. I understand the dynamics; they are mirroring their dad and his treatment to me which is a learned behavior. I used to think by my not staying w/ their dad, they would understand one doesn't treat people as my ex treated me, and it be acceptable. Maybe I tried staying w/ their dad too long.
The end result is loosing my boys to their wives; they maintain disrespect towards me, (although they disagree w/ that,) and continually make comments against me; yet maintain they got their smarts from their dad, and continue to downplay my successes and MY DADS successes; as if they discount me and my side of the family. And I have a very educated, good, loving side of the family in which they refuse to acknowledge. Their dad has no family. He has always disowned anyone on his side of the family.
It hurts badly, to see my boys put their dad on a pedestal and give him credit, when he was such a tyrant to me and them growing up. But now that he's older he's not the tyrant any more. How quickly my boys forget what they and I went through w/ him.
I became ill w/ agoraphobia a few yrs back and my boys appeared to degrade me since then. They never seemed to understand my anxiety. Therefore call me crazy behind my back.
I think I need to continue to stay out of their lives as long as I feel disrespected. I gave the best yrs of my life to them and their dad. Now I have nothing or no one and at age 55, need to start my life over. I joined this because I thought maybe there are other moms out there who lost their sons for no good reason, and I would like to know how they are handling it and getting through life.
Thank you for letting me vent. I would appreciate any and all responses. The way my sons treat me is devastating for me. I feel my life was wasted and ruined because its not like I'm young enough to start my life over again, but in essence, I need to. Thank you.
They are much like their dad w/ anger control issues and the attitude of their dad that "they know it all." ANYTHING I say is discounted. They always interrupt me and disagree w/ me and always conclude that I never know what I'm talking about. They aren't the sweet smart boys I raised. They appear just like their dad, and w/ his attributes, in which aren't becoming; that's why we ended up divorced when my boys were 13 and 15. My ex is very emotionally and verbally abusive. Now my boys do it to me. I feel it is disrespectful.
My boys were w/ their dad for a couple yrs before they came to live w/ me. They didn't change towards me until they got older and w/ their wives. I understand the dynamics; they are mirroring their dad and his treatment to me which is a learned behavior. I used to think by my not staying w/ their dad, they would understand one doesn't treat people as my ex treated me, and it be acceptable. Maybe I tried staying w/ their dad too long.
The end result is loosing my boys to their wives; they maintain disrespect towards me, (although they disagree w/ that,) and continually make comments against me; yet maintain they got their smarts from their dad, and continue to downplay my successes and MY DADS successes; as if they discount me and my side of the family. And I have a very educated, good, loving side of the family in which they refuse to acknowledge. Their dad has no family. He has always disowned anyone on his side of the family.
It hurts badly, to see my boys put their dad on a pedestal and give him credit, when he was such a tyrant to me and them growing up. But now that he's older he's not the tyrant any more. How quickly my boys forget what they and I went through w/ him.
I became ill w/ agoraphobia a few yrs back and my boys appeared to degrade me since then. They never seemed to understand my anxiety. Therefore call me crazy behind my back.
I think I need to continue to stay out of their lives as long as I feel disrespected. I gave the best yrs of my life to them and their dad. Now I have nothing or no one and at age 55, need to start my life over. I joined this because I thought maybe there are other moms out there who lost their sons for no good reason, and I would like to know how they are handling it and getting through life.
Thank you for letting me vent. I would appreciate any and all responses. The way my sons treat me is devastating for me. I feel my life was wasted and ruined because its not like I'm young enough to start my life over again, but in essence, I need to. Thank you.
It is very hard for anyone that does not suffer from anxiety, depression, ADHD, OCD etc.to empathize with those that do. Since they don't understand it they tend to feel that you are crazy or aren't really trying to control yourself. I, myself, didn't believe that people could not control anxiety or panic attacks until I was the victim. Then I felt horrible for all the people who are afflicted and suffer in silence because of people like your sons. I had similar problems with my son only not that extreme. He is ADHD, but didn't consider that a problem. After holding a job for a couple of years, his self-esteem picked up and now we are close. Are you sure that your sons aren't suffering from there own issues and it makes them feel superior to put you down? It would be great if you could get them involved in counseling with you so that they could better understand your agoraphobia and realize you are NOT crazy. I'm sure they love you, but just don't understand or know how to deal with your problems.
I assume you're in counseling for the agoraphobia? Best thing to do is stay with this train of thought, to sort out with the counselor how to take proactive steps forward. Either with or without the boys in your life.
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