My experience with anxiety, and my benzo battle...

My anxiety started about 3 years ago, seemingly out of nowhere. I mean yes, I had a lot of stress over my career as a chef, and dealing with the trappings of a less than gratifying industry, as well as the break up with my fiancée. And possibly the grief I was feeling over the loss of my grandmother, all good explanations I'm sure. But nothing in life was to prepare me for the anxiety that I would soon learn to loath. I was having such bad anxiety attacks that I ended up in the old cycle that many of us go through, mistaking heart attacks, etc, and ending up in the ER on a fairly regular basis. After a while I began having some semblance of control over my anxiety, first taking Xanax on occasion during those bad days, then more recently the occasional .5 mg Ativan, about every other day or so.
One day several months ago I woke up with chest pains, this time I was sure it was a heart attack. I went to the ER and all tests came up clear. I was stumped. They continued to assure me my health was fine, even though I was experiencing acute chest pains, breathing problems where I felt I was panting a lot, headaches, nausea, stomach problems, etc. I thought anxiety is the cause for a lot, but not all this. I really thought there was something wrong with me, that I was slowly dying of something they couldn't determine.
I came to eventually determine the cause. Diet soda. I was drinking a lot of diet sodas, chewing sugarless gum, using toothpastes and mouthwashes, and taking Airborne,  all containing aspartame, sucralose (Splenda), sodium saccharine, or some form of artificial sweetener. I came to research this topic extensively, and found that aspartame is an excitotoxin, and over time builds up in your body, causing all sorts of neurological damage. Once it warms to 82 degrees it converts to a form of formaldehyde, literally eating the brain. No joke!!! I immediately quit drinking all diet products, even stopped using conventional toothpastes and mouthwashes, and even went so far to stop eating MSG's, another known excitotoxin, nitrates, and as many artificial flavor agents that I could learn about. I began jogging on a regular basis, eating good, and lifting weights again, and began to feel pretty good. My anxiety was finally under control...or was it?
I had gone a pretty long time after this profound discovery, feeling victimized of sorts, and wanted to tell the world. I wanted to make the government put warning labels on exactly how dangerous these chemicals are to people. But then my anxiety started up more and more. Did I have GAD? Was there still something wrong? I was having dizzy spells a lot, and headaches. I was taking my Ativan now almost on a daily basis, never more than 1, but always when I began to feel crappy. This was becoming a serious mental health issue that was taking over my life. I was unable to work consistently, and although now I was able to run for 30 minutes on the treadmill with no problems, and bench-press more than any one of my friends, and my BP was 104/68 at nearly athletic levels, I was still suffering unusual brain sensations. I'd wake up crying for no reason, I would feel less in touch with my feelings, somewhat disconnected, and every couple of days I'd suffer a great headache, anxiety, or dizzy spells. I ended up in the ER one night a couple of weeks ago, this time demanding that they do a CAT scan to determine if there was something wrong with my brain.  Guess what? Yep, nothing. It looked perfectly fine.

I was at another crossroads, me vs. anxiety/insanity. Who is going to win? Soon after, I came to this forum, as well as many of the more thorough benzodiazepine websites, researching the effects of benzos, their effects over time on the brain, and the possibility of dependency.  I was astonished at what I came to discover. Xanax and Ativan for me were just a once in a while pill for me, to take the edge off during those high anxiety days. It never got out of control, where I had to take more than usual, although it grew to a point where I would take them for a week or two almost daily. But I never thought about addiction or dependency, because I felt I was at such a low dose and infrequent enough to where it would have no long-term effects. I was definitely mistaken. I decided after reading up on weaning schedules that I was not at risk of seizure or anything serious, so I stopped taking my Ativan cold turkey. The next day I had the day off and decided to go see a movie. I spent the majority of the movie nervous and anxious as a 9 tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs. I couldn’t concentrate, I was on the verge of a panic attack, and I knew my Ativan was out in the car, but I resisted. Eventually it passed, and I was proud of myself, and Danny Ocean and the gang, as usual, put me in a great mood! I felt tingles of elation that I hadn’t felt for a while. What was this? I felt, ahem…happy!
I spent the entire day feeling dizzy and weird, but was convinced that I was only suffering the side effects of benzo withdrawal. It’s been 7 days to the day now without taking my Ativan, and I gotta tell ya fellow benzo takers, I feel pretty darn good. My dizzy spells and frequent  headaches are gone, and I feel like I am generally able to experience my emotions more fully, and I don’t get that confused feeling in my head like my sanity is derailing, like my mind is spinning out of control, or like my emotions are all over the map. I feel more in control. So, to all you who are suffering like I did, and still may in the future on occasion, give natural living a try. I truly believe that if we take proper care of yourself, that our bodies are a naturally regulating machine, which will adjust and adapt to environmental or emotional changes in due course. The drugs, when used too often, I have found, limit the serotonin production, yes making you calmer, but if taken over time will make you feel slower, dumber, and more mentally unstable. Your experiences will feel duller, your memory will be less acute, and your anxiety will rev up and attack you every time your body’s serum levels of the benzo goes down, and you will generally have more trips to the ER, more trips to the counselor( yes I went too), and more trips into self pity and self-debasing. My suggestion is to get off all pills for a time, just to adjust back to your natural state, to see how you feel. Then you can slowly test various factors to see if they are culprits in your mental health. Test your diet and exercise levels; sometimes anxiety is exacerbated by the foods we eat, the supplements we take or do not take, and the level of activity or inactivity that we are getting. Test to see if you feel better without the benzos. I can’t seem to sleep well yet, but I do feel better, and I feel over time my body will self regulate and put me in a state of homeostasis and calm. And guess what? No anxiety yet, knock on wood!

God bless, and good luck in your progress…

[Raine9]

TO: ZOMBIENOUGATMADNESS,

Okay, I don't have time to read your entire post right now.  But I just had to say that I love your screen name.  Whatever it means!  Haha

[ZombieNougatMadness]

Whyyyyyyy, thankeeee!

Oh, I just wanted to post a couple of websitres here, for those interested in learning more about Aspartame and excitotoxins, as well as a great website that many of you already probably know about, about Benzos.

Aspartame:

http://www.holisticmed.com/aspartame/

http://www.newstarget.com/aspartame.html

Benzos

http://www.benzo.org.uk/

Great site, go to FAQ's, good start.

[Raine9]

Okay, read your entire post.  

Congratulations!  I believe in your method of recovery.  It may not work, however, for everybody.  But I guess your point is to try it.  I don't go near artificial sweetners.  Didn't know about toothpaste and MSG though.  YIKES!  I have been meaning to switch to Tom's of Maine toothpaste.  I think I better do it like yesterday.  I also believe excercise is great for the mind and body.

Anyway, it's a refreshing change to read a story like yours on this forum.  I enjoyed it and found it inspirational...but with a name like ZOMBIENOUGATMADNESS, how could it not be?

Take care!

P.S. I will check out those websites.

P.P.S.  How did you get your entire post to fit?  I thought there was a maximum word limit.  Guess not anymore.

[heartfluttersflyawayplz]

wow thanks for yoour story, i have done the same thing mine started 3 monthjs ago lots changes in my life so i went 5 weeks anxiety /stressed out could not stand my self went to cardio twice and pcp every week for 4 weeks, put me on drugs i did 3 days and wanted to come off of them yes i felt better but why now was i out of my head never had i had problems before with this , so i ve been off of them for 2 days still anxiety but not as bad, i also have ativan to take if needed but i will fight all day before i give into it . its not a easy road and not all can do without meds and belive me i understand them, take them if you need them, but my anxiety was over being anxiety, so i can do with out the meds . its still tingling ears/head and i feel like running from time to time but i rather get up and run on treadmill,walk outside in sunshine go to store anything but take a pill so am trying it myself. and i feel better about it. i wish everyone could get back to a peacefull life but for some its not going to happen and if taking meds makes your life better than do it . God Bless

[ZombieNougatMadness]

I am so glad you could relate to my storry. It's truly inspiring to me when I hear about people who are experienceing practically the same thing as me. I feel like I have been through a lot, but I am now finding my path to a more natural way of coping. I'm not certain that I will never take Ativan ever again, but I do know that prolonged use only made it worse than when I was on nothing at all. I feel empowered for the first time, and that I'm finally in control of my mind and my emotions. Thanks for sharing, and good luck with everything! I am routing for your sucess and happiness.

[Shannon Wyatt]

Hey guy, great post!  I, myself, have been experiencing anxiety for about 2 months now.  I also believe in the holistic approach -- and have given up caffeine, soft drinks, chewing gun, etc.  Although I did not know about the toothpaste.  Further, over this past 2 months, I have used very sparingly the Ativan given to me by my doctor.  When I get to the point where I can't relax myself with breathing or walking outside -- then I'll take a .5 Ativan -- but this is like maybe once every 2 weeks.  Everything seemed to be going great -- the anxiety seemed to be under control and all of a sudden, WHAM, I started getting these crying spells.  At first they were infrequent -- maybe once a week or so -- but now they are almost everyday.  To the point that I went to see my doctor today...he thinks I have a moderate case of depression because of my anxiety - and have prescribed me Celexa to take.  I have been seeing a therapist for "talk therapy" for the past month now -- and everything seemed to be going great there too.  I'm just thrown for a loop about the crying spells.  I wonder...is it really depression?  Or just anxiety?  When I took an on-line test for depression -- it came back as "moderate."  So, I guess I do to some degree have depression.  I read that if depression is not treated then it can become much more serious than the initial inset.  So, now I'm in a pickle -- should I start taking this SSRI and face the side-effects, but feel better after a while.  Or fight it -- like I've done with the Benzo's?  What do you think?

[heartfluttersflyawayplz]

i have the crying spells to had two today but got through them and felt better after words ,always makes me feel better after a cry relaves the stress if i could cry everyday i would be great lol. i take ativan only when i cant fight no more, i have 3 kinds nerve pills here ativan,klonopin,xanax but am taking none and if i need to i will pop the .05 ativan before going er. but am doing good with it i keep telling my self there is nothing wrong with me , i dont worry about that i worry about being anxiety not heart or anything like that . i just walked on my treadmill took a nice hot bath and going to lay inbed watch tv. tomorrow going get up and not think anxiety but if my mind does i will just get busy doing something, do ya have the tingling like me , i get it in my ears/on my head and sometimes i feel hot there , thats how i know am having the anxiety and oh yes on my face sometimes. ,i dont have heart dizzy spell any  of that just the tingling and feeling like am not me and the sick stomack. week ago i ws weak and sick most of the days now just sick stomack off and on through the day, and tingling so i think its getting better , but i have a hard time eating to can eat maybe once a day which didnt hurt me to lose 18 pds but dont want to keep losing so am forcing my self to eat when i dont feel like it , and than there are hours i feel good . so just dealing with the things as they come taking them day by day . hang in ther shannon, it gets better ,i wont do any ssri to many sde affects for me to handle than at some point they want to take you off , no i will stick with the benz and try and and get through it myself without because i was not like this 5 weeks ago i wont belive i will be like this rest of my life . keep head up . God Bless

[ZombieNougatMadness]

Well Shannon, first of all I believe you just described me and the majority of us to a tee! I definitely relate and sympathize, as doctors have been pushing SSRI's (anti-depressants) on me for months. I wondered for some time too if I had depression, as I was also having crying spells. I believe the crying comes from two things; the buildup of stress, fatigue and frustration over time, and then possibly, the chemical changes in our brain brought on by repetitive benzo use. Let me elaborate for a second, then I'll get to the anti- depressants...

I found that I would go a day or two and feel fine, then on day two or three, bam, a nervous and unsettled feeling would set in. Then came dizzy spells and headaches, about every few days. For me, even though I, much like you, took a benzo only once in a great while, those "once in a whiles" become only slightly more frequent. Even though we may not be abusing them, and I definitely was not, nor does it sound like you are either, I believe that it is just frequent enough to create a small chemical change in our brain chemistry. Xanax, Ativan, etc are meant for short term relief, and are labeled as such. If we get into a habit of using them for any length of time, even a week or two, I believe this significantly creates a change in our whole brain processes, having virtually immeasurable possible effects; some good, some not so good.

First of all, what the benzo is doing is blocking what are called GABA receptors, which are the neurons which allow communication of other neurons in the brain. This allows our brain and CNS to feel calmer, and allows us to feel less overwhelmed by our sensations and thoughts. Over time what this does is lowers the serotonin levels of our brain, basically lowering our ability to create "happy chemicals" which allow us to feel elation and joy. So even like us who are barely using the stuff, we are using small amounts over time just enough to create an imbalance, making us feel fine when the serum levels of the benzo is in us, then feeling discombobulated and edgy when it finally begins to wear off. For Ativan, it has a half life of 8-20 hours. This means that the drug wears off in that amount of time. No big deal for occasional use. But when our brains are used to ANY level of the drug for comfort/calm/sanity, I have learned through extensive research and personal experience, that the side effects, withdrawal symptoms, call them what you will, are rather debilitating, and we mistake the anxiety, nervousness, depression, or whatever we feel as another anxiety episode, when really our brains are saying, "feed meeee Symoooore!" Even though we show no conscious dependency for the benzos, our brains are spoiled little whores, and want what they want. ;)

So do I feel you should give SSRI's a shot? Honestly? No. You sound like an intelligent and sensitive person, much like me, who is suffering, much like everyone, the chronic and gradual mental and physical breakdown caused from your anxiety, fatigue, and life stresses. As a sensitive person myself, I see all the wrong in this world, and much like John Coffey in The Green Mile, the sensitivity to my surroundings and the negativity that exists out there feels like "little shards of glass poking into my brain." We are a unique bunch, dramatically affected and sensitive to everything, I have come to find. Is it a blessing or a curse? Both.

I do suggest you stop the benzos for a little while, and see if your brain doesn't readjust to doing without them. If after time you are still unable to cope, by all means don't give up, or give up hope. I'm not anti drug, as I still have my little safety net of Ativan on me wherever I go. Kind of like a smoker who keeps one around but doesn't light it! But I do feel that in all honesty my crying spells where often times the result of my brain chemistry altered due to the benzos. Since then I feel happier, less mentally fragile, and in more control. If in time you are still depressed, you must ask yourself if you are ready to make the leap to an antidepressant. Ask yourself if you have actual, clinical, chemical depression caused from an uncontrollable imbalance, or is it situational, or both? Ask yourself if you have taken all the holistic, natural preventative steps possible to thwart off your anxiety/depression. Are you active? If not walk or jog some. Are your problems from the inside, or are they largely due to not liking the world, your situation, or yourself.

I for one will keep the Ativan around, and use it in only extreme cases, like when I feel the ER is going to get its bi monthly visit from me. Short term use seems benign enough, and I do feel that in some cases benzos are good for that. Antidepressants seem to work for some, though it seems from my research that about 65-75% seem to hate the side effects more than the initial cause to start them. Anyway, I hope I answered your question, and will come back now and again to chit chat, or to answer any questions any time. God bless and good luck.

[heartfluttersflyawayplz]

hi its me again i have a question, can you take klonopin at half in morning and half of .5 at night or do you have to end up taking .5 am .5pm. i started out half an and pm for 3 days than went off of them because i though i could do with out and so far ok still stress but nothing i cant handle right now , never got to the 5 mg twice a day, but would it reach state mind at just half twice a day or not. trying so hard not to take anything but can never tell . thanks for helping out . barbara. and when on it does this mrd have like hot flashes that come with it until you get used to it or not, i know i ws feeling better on the .5 a day but i guess i just didnt give it enough time to make me feel great , i just wanted to do it on my own and still trying . thanks

[suzi-q]

I am a really really big diet coke "user"!!!  Very big!!  I sip diet coke like a person who sips water...what kind of damage can I be doing to myself and my brain?  I would say that I drink a 2 liter bottle every day!!  (I know that is a lot...and I realize I have to stop..)

Also, can that be aggrevating my anxiety problem?

If I quit diet coke...cold turkey..will there be side effects???

wow!!!  I am talking about my "diet coke addiction" like a drug....HMM...I guess it is!!!

[ZombieNougatMadness]

Ok, so maybe my data was perhaps slightly off, but I am speaking from a lay person having done research on the matter. Yes, seretonin does is not limited "DIRECTLY" ith th euse of benzos, though indirectly, you must take into account that any time you use any type of sedative, no matter how it works, it will change brain chemistry, how we percieve pain, joy, relaxation, etc. I have found that with prolonged use of these "short-lived" benzos, that I get dizzy, more anxious, and headaches as soon as the drug begins to wean fromm my system (that is once I have grown chemically dependant over a period of a couple of weeks or longer). I was also finding myself more depressed; if you think about it, anyone who is taking benzos is depressing the nervous system, including the brain, and therefore seretonin WILL be reduced dramatically, directly or indirectly, is no concern to me You speak as though you really know what you're talking about, and I certainly respect that, but you also are a tad hyperintellectual, and share no subjectivity in your knowledge/wisdom. Perhaps try correcting people a little less, and start reading between the lines, and think about this matter a person, not a robot!!! Seriously...

Suzi, I had terrible problems with anxiety, and it was completely out of control while I was drinking Aspartame. I strongly urge you to stop consuming it immediately!

Ryan, Aspartame may not "accumulate" in the body, as you say, but remember that a toxin need not accumulate to cause damage, it's presence does not need time to build up, as it is toxic and will destroy tissue wihtout the need to hang out in the liver, or any other vital organs. It need not convert to these chemicals as it is an excitotoxin BEFORE it converts. It only becomes worse when it becomes these pConsumed in Suzi's quantities is serum overload as it is. It will still break the blood/brain barrier, it will still course through her veins, and it will still cause neurological damage simply because it is there. You sound so right because of your medical jargen, but you're not, sorry. Smart kid, but you lack the human touch.

BTW, I agree, my doctores are incomprtant. Most doctors are nothing but C students who barely eeked through med school. They're ego gratifyers. Guess work in a white coat...

There is a lot doctors could learn if they actually took a pill or two, and figured out how **** MOST medications make people feel. Instead they push whatever the pharmaceutical companies are promoting, all the while never knowing the realities, but what they read once a million years ago in some outdated medical journal.

But thanks for your advice, it's appreciated, even though I don't think you're trying to help. I think you're trying to shwo the world how smart you are. Hey, maybe you should be a doctor!

[Raine9]

Well Zombie dude, I'm sorry that you got offended with Ryan's response.  I don't know Ryan at all.  However, I've read many of his responses and it really seems like he is a very intelligent guy and just want to give people the answers to their questions regarding meds.  Many people on this forum are grateful for him and his assistance.  It's unfortunate that they need to resort to Ryan for answers.  If their doctors took the time to talk to them, it wouldn't be necessary.  

I think sometimes, thoughts and suggestions in written form can easily be misinterpreted.  It's happened to me before. Not on Medhelp.  In the past, at work!  I tend to have a sarcastic sense of humor but mean no harm. You gotta be a very laid back person to understand where I'm coming from.  I have pissed off a person or two with my emails.  So now I am very, very careful when I write things.  I apologize profusely throughout my emails.  

Anyway, none of that matters.  The important thing is that you fought your anxiety and you do not require the use of meds on a daily basis.  You are leading a normal and happy life.  That is what I strive for and I like reading stories such as yours.  It inspires me and I think, "If he can do it w/o meds, then so can I!"    

Peace.  

[ZombieNougatMadness]

Ryan I do believe you're trying to help. But please remember a few things:

1. You're not always right just because you are more knowledgeable/accurate. There is a discerning difference between knowldge and wisdom.
2. Drugs are not always the answer. We live in a culture that has a very dysfunctional faith in modern medicine, and I find (here's where widom comes in) that more times than not, people become Guinea pigs for the medical community, a human cocktail of sorts, and ultimately many of these poor souls go through years of side effects, fatigue, and psychological problems that stunt their ability to progress, simply because they beleived a pill could correct them. In nature, some animals are high strung and pee on themselves in fright, some are angry, some are well adjusted. Not every temperament requires a pill, nature makes us all different just like animals for a reason.

My advice, loosen up th eol' necktie and be a person about things. You seem to get joy from the martyrdom that you recieve here. Oh well, whatever works for you. Just remember that bedside manner is just as imortant as knowledge. Afterall, we're human beings afterall...

[heartfluttersflyawayplz]

i for one want to thank you for all you have done for me, you helped me out when i was in such a anxiety mind i could not think for myself, you helped me with meds that i did not know was out there and if not for you i could not talk to my dr about them , yes i did get put on the klonopin and it helped me out in my time of need, please keep coming back as there are a lot of folks on here that look for you to ask you questions, yes we understand we have to go to our dr and get meds and see what they think ,but it helps to have someone here that knows about the meds who can shed some light on it . thank you so much if not for you i might still be going crazy. keep up the good work .Barbara

[debaser23]

I'm not sure why you're attacking Ryan, but you're making yourself look pretty silly.  I know for a fact that he knows his stuff AND has personal experience with it.  My advice to you would be to look up the word "wisdom" in the dictionary.

Martyrdom?  I'm not sure you know what that means, either.  You're not very good at ad hominem.  

Anyway, he's right.  You're taking your personal experience and representing it as fact.  That's flawed reasoning.  I could suggest that you wrote what you did in order to satisfy some longing for self-affirmation, not to help people.  I don't know if that's true or not, but it could be.

Ryan presents facts.  Facts are helpful.  Anxiety sufferers are often suggestible (like Ryan said) because they are in many cases desperate to find a solution.  You're coming in with opinions (some of them I agree with and some I don't) and trying to convince people to ditch their faith in medical science.  I have a pretty big problem with that.  People who are suffering with anxiety and panic disorder need objective information.

Benzodiazepines have been around a LONG time.  We're not guinea pigs.  There's a lot of data on what they do and how they work.  While some doctors may not know how to prescribe them, most probably do.  Anyone with half a brain can do some cursory research on the internet and determine whether or not their doctor knows what they're doing.

Anyway, how would you feel if you were taking Klonopin and it was working well for you, then suddenly some guy appears out of nowhere and says what you said?  Or what if a competent doctor has just prescribed Klonopin for you and you read that just before you were to take your first dose?  Many people with anxiety issues FEAR medicines.  You're not doing anyone any good by writing what you're writing because it's based only on ONE SINGLE EXPERIENCE.  And not only that, it's been only SEVEN DAYS since you quit Ativan!

That's ridiculous.

Personally, I'm on Klonopin: .5 mg bid.  I've used it for several months and my personal experience has been very positive.  It has stopped panic attacks dead in their tracks.  What it hasn't done is eliminate anxiety.  As a result, I have relied upon more holistic methods in order to keep my mind under control: exercise, art, writing, etc.  It's working out for me.  But that's my PERSONAL experience.  I have a blog at which I write about all this stuff but I would never, ever suggest that my own personal "treatment" would be universally beneficial for all anxiety sufferers.  I think it's worth reading because some of it might work for some people, but that's that.  

Anyway, you're not the anxiety messiah so just chill out and stop playing doctor, urging people to stop their medications.  That's reckless.

[fearfactor]

I am trying to combat my anxiety free of SSRIs though the doctor keeps trying to push them on me everytime I go in.  They made me feel awful when I was on them and I truly believe they are toxic.  Plus, they never helped my anxiety but seemed to worsen it.  I am taking Xanax right now, I have weaned down to .25 in the morning and .25 at night.  I hope to go off it completely when I have the bar exam out of the way (next month!).  I want to fight this med-free.  I like what you said about us being like John Coffey - I love that movie and I do thing we people who feel anxiety are more sensitized to the wrong in the world and that it deeply bothers us more than most people.

[kimmi3333]

i have anxiety how can get out of the state of mind besides medcations.i do walk but when its to hot i cant  with my asthma kicking in when its hot.can you give some advice?